Disney Bootlegs/Transcript

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(JonTron intro plays.)

(Title card shows Jon at Disneyland selling bootleg merchandise under his coat, when suddenly a horrific, zombified Mickey Mouse with his upper lip drooping down to his stomach slowly shuffles towards Jon from the left of the screen. Jon looks at this monstrosity in terror, slowly inching away from the bootleg Mickey before eventually speeding off to the right. The bootleg Mickey says "{KILL...ME}", then the real Mickey Mouse runs in from the left and stops his bootlegged self in its tracks. The title "Disney Bootleg Games" then appears at the top of the screen.)

(Shows Jon on his couch, conversing with a strange version of Mufasa from The Lion King.)

Jon: ...So, do you think you could run that whole thing by me one more time, about where the light goes or whatever it is?

Bootleg Mufasa: (in bass-boosted voice) Everything the light touches... is our kingdom.

Jon: ''Say it again. Say it to my fuckin' face.''

Bootleg Mufasa: (in same distorted voice) Brother... help me!

Jon: Wow, Bootleg Mufasa! You sure do suck! And I wish I never invited you over!

(Heavily distorted music--if you can call it that--plays in the background as Bootleg Mufasa's head expands, and a smaller version of himself sprouts from his mouth, most likely representing Bootleg Simba.)

Jon: I DONT LIKE IT!! Okay, look, just as a heads up, I- I think somethin's wrong with your friend Bootleg Zazu over there! You might wanna check it out!

(The slimy fetus of a red-billed hornbill is shown on the ground, twitching in a puddle of likely amniotic fluid. A heartbeat can be heard, presumably that of Bootleg Zazu. A bootlegged version of Jacques then appears, accompanied by fanfare and with a scroll attached to his feet.)

Jon: Oh, hey! It's Bootleg Jacques! What do you got for us today, buddy?

Bootleg Jacques: (WillfromAfar voice by "Acapella Group") Tally ho! I've come bearing news from the higher-ups! Please advise!

Jon: Oh... Thanks. (takes the scroll from Bootleg Jacques' feet)

Bootleg Jacques: You will never know my suffering, forever trapped inside this robotic husk!

Jon: Alright, that's great, Jacques. I'll see ya later.

(Bootleg Jacques departs.)

Jon: What do we have here? (unfurls scroll) Ohhh, look at that: a cease and desist from Disney! Yeah, that's probably about right. Alright! You two! Get the hell outta my house. It's over.

(The distorted music resumes, showing Bootleg Zazu surrounded by glitchy textures.)

Jon: (nervous) Uuh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh!

(Cuts to Jon on his couch, this time facing the camera.)

Jon: Well... unfortunately, Disney's lawyers can get to me a little too easily. But I'll tell you what is much farther away from U.S. jurisdiction, and far better at Disney bootlegging... (extends a pointer and slaps the end onto an easel) China!

Jon (VO): Such examples of their bootleggery include "Bear Of The Interest", the self-purported baby's toy, and also high-class weapon, who farts his, uh, very well-known catchphrase, "Please play under the adult inspect to protect". Hey, don't pretend; everyone knows that one.

(A demo video of the toy is played, with the Bear moving its head from side to side while its eyes blink with a white light, and a scrolling picture shows on its TV screen. A weird song playsfrom the toy while this occurs.)

Jon (VO): THERE IS NOT A CHANCE I AM INTERESTED IN THIS BEAR! Yes, even a company like Disney, who is well-known to be so very protective of its brands, wasn't exempt from the videogame bootlegging phenomenon... much to their dismay.

(Footage from both a bootleg A Bug's Life game and a Finding Nemo game are shown, the latter showing the text "[LIBERATING LOBSTERS! NEMO, YOU DID IT!] after Nemo enters a pipe.)

Jon (VO): These games, as usual, take all forms and are generally cobbled together, producing hilarious results much at a time. (begins glitching) So let's have ourselves a m-m-m-mag-mag-magical d-d-d-d-day… Sh-sh-sh-shall we-e-e?

(The screen cuts to black.)

The Lion King (The Jungle Book Rip-off on NES)
Jon: First off, let's have a look at some bootlegs based on the Lion King films. Starting with, quite simply, a game called "The Lion King"!

(The title screen of a bootleg of "The Jungle Book" for the NES is shown, though the title says "The Lion King". The title theme, that being a chiptune rendition of "The Bare Necessities" from The Jungle Book plays.)

Jon (VO): Hm. "Copyright: the Walt Disney Company"? Well, at least they were nice enough to attribute it to the right people.

(While looking at the title screen, a strangely anthropomorphic lion runs onto the screen, screeching to a halt before he crosses the leftmost border of the screen.)

Jon (VO): Uh, that music. I don't think that's The Lion King...

(The intro scene is shown.)

Jon VO: "Mowgli begins his journey through the LION to find the man village." Mowgli, huh?... A tru- true to whole lion, huh? Also, Mowgli's head is down here-- Why is this just The Jungle Book?! This is just the Jungle Book game for NES with minor things changed. Like, instead of Mowgli, it's a bipedal lion that doesn't look like anything from The Lion King. Y- You're still ripping off Disney with "The Jungle Book". Why didn't you just rip off a Lion King game?! This is some ass-backwards logic!

("The Bare Necessities" starts playing again, and the lion character starts repeatedly crouching over and over again in an almost twerking motion. Cuts to Jon, who seems to be holding back an emotion of some sort. Cuts back to the game as the lion character keeps doing the same motion.)

Jon: Welp... if ya can't beat 'em... join 'em.

(Cuts to Jon's living room where the lion character twerks on the left of the screen, and Jon joins in on the right.)

The Lion King V: Timon & Pumbaa (NES)
(Cuts to the next game, "Lion King 5: Timon & Pumbaa.")

Jon (VO): Okay, next up, we have another one: "The Lion King 5". Dunno where 3 and 4 went. I'm sure they'll give some sort of synopsis for those of us who missed out. Timon is really havin' a good time here, okay? You can tell by that mad flailing. In this game, you can select from 3 characters: Timon, Simba, and Pumbaa. Simba and Pumbaa look correct, but Timon has no ears and is wearing a bowtie. Like, what? You got the reference right on the other two! What's wrong with Timon?

(Cuts to gameplay, where little Simba is assaulted by disembodied white hands using their index and middle fingers as legs to walk.)

Jon (VO): Oh dear God, it's walkin' fingers! I mean, have you guys seen the movie? Uh, you couldn'ta just put somethin' here that wasn't walking fingers? A lizard, y'know. A wa- wildebeest. Not walking fingers, is the main point I'm tryin' to make. This game is basically a reproduction of the one for Super Nintendo, but it controls much worse and it's super glitchy. Sometimes you can get farther by manipulating the edge screen scroll. It's pretty wacky.

(Cuts to gameplay where Jon struggles to make Simba move how he wants, instead dying over and over.)

Jon (VO): Agh, it's so- God- hard to control- GODDAMMIT, NO! Agh... Outta lives.

(The game over screen shows Simba hang himself. That is not in any way an exaggeration. "Circle of Life" then starts up to the chorus as Jon reacts.)

Jon: (autotuned to the tune of "Circle of Life") ♫ ''Oh my GOOOOO-OO-OO-OOOOOOOOOOOOOD! Oh my God, my GO-OOOOOOOOOD!'' ♫

Jon (VO): Are you kidding me?! Simba fuckin' hangs himself when you get a game over?! He just steps into a noose! He didn't even kick over a chair; the earth beneath him just gives way! Yes, as you see it, this game is apparently infamous for its ridiculous game over sequences, which also include: Timon crying while digging his own grave, and Pumbaa jumping into a pot of scalding water. Somebody made this, folks. This is real. I can't understand. The rest of the game is pretty standard! It's not meant to be shocking or anything. Maybe they just thought that made sense?

Jon: Psh! What can I say? (holds up a Lion King DVD case) Circle of Life... (holds up a noose) Circle of Death, huh? (points out the shape of the noose with his finger) Because y'know, it's, uh... it's a circular-

(Smash cuts to Jon pretending to hang himself.)

Jon: Ah, I can't live in this world anymore!... I saw Timon bury himself while cryin', I saw d- Pumbaa cook himself!... It's over for me!

The Lion King II: Simba's Mighty Adventure (Sega Genesis)
Jon (VO): Ah, nevermind, I'll keep goin'. (holds up game case) I got "The Lion King II" on Genesis here, okay? How can I say no to that face? (zooms in on Timon and Pumbaa's terrified faces)

Jon: They're gettin' very close to just calling it The Lion King and having it be about The Lion King. Very close! We're almost there.

Jon (VO): Now, most bootleg games of this nature are made with recycled sprites and assets, but this one here is unique in that it was made from the ground up as its own game. You never know what we're gonna get with this.

(Fades to the intro cutscene, where Mufasa and Simba are running down a path surrounded by brick walls.)

Jon: (to the tune of "Circle of Life" again) ♫ From the day we arriiiived on the plaaaaneeet... I was scaaaaaared of Muuuufasa's faaaaaaaace ♫

Jon (VO): Seriously! Maybe they coulda taken some of the face they gave to Mufasa and funneled it into little Simba over here, who looks like he got his head door-slammed by Uma Thurman in Kill Bill.

(The cutscene continues, with Mufasa and Simba running in from the right of the scrolling screen. The environment looks remarkably different to the actual African setting of The Lion King.)

Jon (VO): Hmmm. The Lion King is looking markedly more... uh, how you say, Chinese... this time around?

(Simba and Mufasa run up onto a cliff. Mufasa then roars, and when Simba tries to copy him, he only manages a whimper.)

Jon (VO): (as Simba) "Ehhhhh...!"

Jon (VO): (as Mufasa) "What was that pussy shit?! Get the fuck outta here!"

(Mufasa uncharacteristically swats Simba away. Simba then runs back in and produces a much better roar.)

Jon (VO): (as Simba) "AAAAAHEGHHH!!"

Jon (VO): (as Mufasa) "Alright, whatever. That's a... little better, I guess. I'm not gonna scold you twice in a row. Whatever."

Jon (VO): The Lion King 2. We're in China now. Deal with it.

(The intro screen for the first level is shown.)

Jon (VO): "Zone 1: Guilin"? What the hell is Guilin?

(The level itself appears on screen.)

Jon (VO): Well, I guess this is Guilin! Good ol' Mufasa over here seems to get the joke, huh?

[HUH?]

Jon (VO): Once again, given that this game was made from the ground up, I don't understand why every single enemy has nothing... to do with The Lion King. This one kinda works on Mario rules: if you grab the BIG BALL OF GAS, you turn into older Simba, and if you get hit, you turn into smaller Simba.

(Simba is hit by a monkey enemy for his last piece of health. The Mufasa lives icon shows no lives remain.)

Jon (VO): Ah, crap! I died.

(The game over screen shows Simba desperately clinging onto a vine, very slowly slipping down.)

Jon (VO): Wait, what--? Why? Why again with the brutality? He's just hanging here, again from a rope! This time, not around his neck, granted! He's clingin' to dear life while ominous music plays. I mean, d- do the Chinese just resent Simba or something? You can tell this game is supposed to play like the SNES version of Lion King, which the sprite of Simba is directly ripped from, but it can't quite pull it off. Jumps are hard, everything is floaty, and it's overall just pretty tedious.

(Cuts to the intro screen for the third level.)

Jon (VO): Ahhh, yes! Qin's Tomb! hOw CoUlD i FoRgEt?! The terracotta soldiers reeeaaally tied it all together! And Scar was there... (shows Scar's head from the movie plastered on a terracotta soldier) Yeah, 'round here they start gettin' too cute with their level design. It's like makin' a linear platformer wasn't enough for 'em. They had to show off their programming skills, too. Like in this level, you come to a dead-end door that makes a weird noise when you show up to it.

(As Simba tries to enter the door, he makes a strange airhorn-like noise.)

Jon: (mashes the button on his controller) Ah, come on! What is it, a glitch?

Jon (VO): What a joy.

(The airhorn-like noises are replaced with that of a real airhorn.)

Jon (VO): So after, like, thirty literal minutes of me running around wanting to blow my brains out, I finally figured out what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to kill all the enemies in the section you're in, and only then will the door open up for you.

(Simba enters the door and the screen quickly slides over to another door, where Simba at the top of the level in an equally frustrating location.)

Jon (VO): (echoing announcer voice) Buuut good luck, baby! 'Cuz that's only door number one! Out of, like, two hundred! ''Agghh! AAAH, NO! NOOOO!'' STOP IIIIT!

Jon (VO): (normal voice) Not to mention, you end up going back and forth between the same doors on accident, 'cause it all looks the same! Also, why is this game set in Imperial China?! The longer I play, the angrier I get about it! How'd the lions walk from Africa to there?! It's pretty far! I honestly don't know why I'm still torturing myself by playing this. I've been here for over six hours, and I've got nothing to show for it.

(Simba suddenly comes across a flying platform with a very blatant swastika plastered on the side of it. The camera even zooms in on this swastika just so you can get a good look.)

Jon: All my life... leading up to this moment... has been worth it. Every last second... I am truly blessed.

Jon (VO): BEEP BEEP BEEP!! Oh, sorry! What's that? Oh, that's just the You Can't Make This SHIT UP Alarm!

(Cuts to a digital clock on a wooden stool. The clock's face flashes "[LOL SRSLY?]" repeatedly.)

Jon: GET OUTTA MY BRAIN!!! (smashes the clock with a sledgehammer, sending it through the stool)

Jon (VO): No, guys, honestly, c'mon. If you're wondering where this imagery of Simba cruising atop a swastika-laden blimp comes from... Well, it's very simple [WELL IT'S VERY SIMPLE.], okay? Hitler was a big fan of the Disney Renaissance!

Adolf Hitler: (subtitled) ♫ Hakuna Matata... what a Reich-worthy phrase! Hakuna Matata... no Jews, crips, or gays! ♫

Jon (VO): Well, anyways, after that life-changer, ya just walk off-screen to the right, and the game ends. What a way to go. And don't you see, the final boss was confronting the Nazi inside of all of us. Hell, I think, at least. I dunno; it's all I got.

Mulan (Sega Genesis)
Jon: Okay, moving on from The Lion King, we have "Mulan" for Genesis.

(The intro animation is shown. Jon dances along to the catchy theme song.)

(Cuts to the intro screen for level one, where Mushu stomps across the screen from the left, creating the level's title from the dust clouds he kicks up.)

Jon (VO): 'Eyyyy! Calm down, Mushu, would ya? Maybe tread a little more lightly? Some people are tryin' to sleep around here.

(Mushu exits the screen and the level title is shown in full.)

Jon (VO): "Wanna Be A Man".

Jon: (exhales) Well, I mean... I dunno, I- I- I've considered it! I don't know if I'm ready to make the decision, though... But thanks for the offer.

Jon (VO): If you haven't seen the movie, this is a horribly mistranslated reference to the song "Be a Man" from Mulan. But hey, at least they're tryin' to give us the option, huh?

(The first level actually starts.)

Jon (VO): Alright, the game starts, and of course, they don't use the song that this level is based on. Why would they?

(The background music in the level is heard. [WHAT EVEN IS THIS MUSIC???] appears at the bottom of the screen.)

(Mulan begins attacking the other characters on screen)

Jon (VO): Mulan, what the fuck?! You know those people! They're your friends! Yeah, in- in the movies, she's friends with these characters. But I guess in the world of pirated games, it's just a free-for-all.

(Cuts to another scene where a sword keeps popping up out of the ground.)

Jon (VO): Oi, what is this? A Freddy Krueger glory hole?

(Cuts to a boss fight against what appears to be Li Shang.)

Jon (VO): The absolute most I can say for this game is that at least it attempts to be somewhat familiar with the subject matter. The characters look pretty convincingly like they could be from an actual Disney-licensed game, so alright.

(Cuts to one of the next levels' intro screen, where Mushu once again stomps across the screen and the dust creates the level title "Greatest Wall".)

Jon (VO): "Greatest... Wall".

(Cuts to the level itself, where Mulan fights atop the Great Wall of China.)

Jon: Mmah... It's completely subjective.

(Cuts to the next level, "Snow Planet"... That is indeed its name.)

Jon (VO): (chuckles) "Snow Planet"?? Yeah, as you know, Mulan has always been the best sci-fi.

(Cuts to the final boss fight against Shan Yu. Mulan parries a flame projectile back at Shan Yu, is struck by his sword, then she strikes him down.)

Jon (VO): Aaaaaand he's dead! Alright, nice job guys, except for on those hearts. They're terribly... terribly asymmetrical, and you should be ashamed.

Snow White and the 7 Clever Boys (PS2)
(Cuts back to Jon's living room. A living boot with a creepy face appears.)

The Great Bootleg: Hey there, Jon.

Jon: Who are you?

The Great Bootleg: I'm the Great Bootleg.

Jon: (points at Great Bootleg) That's hokey! And old JonTron was better!

The Great Bootleg: Wanna see something re-e-e-e-e-e-al bad?

Jon: Nooooooo...!

The Great Bootleg: Too bad, bitch.

(The Great Bootleg then begins vomiting up a PS2 disc. Jon looks on in utter horror.)

The Great Bootleg: Dying, dying, dying, death-death, help-help, barf, barf, barf, barf, barf, barf- No one can stop the pain. Please, can you stop the pain?

Jon: Oh... that's... gross, man. What the hell? (picks slime-covered disc off of floor) Oh, it's horrific.

Jon (VO): And-then-magically-Jon-got-the-box-for-that-disc.

[AND THEN MAGICALLY JON GOT THE BOX FOR THAT DISC]

(A laugh track plays, an explosion is seen, and fade back to Jon, now holding the case for the game.)

Jon: "Snow White... and the 7... Clever Boys"... (pauses to take in the sheer magnitude of whatever the hell kind of game he's holding, and gives a heavy exhale)

Jon (VO): Okay, every now and then... you see something... you just can't believe is real. This is one of those moments. How could anyone have let this happen?? "Seven Clever Boys"?? A- Are these the boys? They don't look so clever! Uh, come to think of it, neither does anyone in this picture. They look like they were the result of a brother and sister who liked each other... maybe just a little too much. This is an actual... licensed game for the PS2! Shit, I woulda preferred Lion King 2 over this nonsense!

(Cuts to the menu screen, which is an island surrounded by swimming cartoon animals and inhabited by Snow White and the boys, which for the record are not dwarves, but are actually all different prepubescent human boys.)

Jon (VO): (chuckles) Oho-ho-ho, this is real, alright. Look at that menu screen! (chef's kiss) Okay, we got a confused starfish, an artistic crab, a VERY... stupid alligator... and this thing!

(Quickly cuts to a zoom-in of the purple inflatable moose pool toy talking about something.)

Jon (VO): Oh, also, we got the main cast here in the middle, feeling very stranded and VERY helpless to amend the situation they're in.

Jon (VO): Snow White and the Seven Clever Boys- SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN CLEVER {BOOOOOOOOOOYS}! ''WHAAAT IS THAT FUCKIN' NAME?! WHOOOO MAAAADE THIS?!'' I'm not gonna get over that. I- I absolutely guarantee you I'm NEVER... gonna get over that name. (quick cut to Jon) I'm a clever boy. Put me in, huh? (cut to Jon's face Photoshopped over one of the "clever boys" on the game's cover) Put me i- on that. Get me in that.

(Cuts to the game's opening cutscene.)

Jon (VO): But I digress. This game starts off with, like, a film.

Game Narrator: "Not quite so long ago, and not so far away, near the seventh town across the seventh river, there was a beautiful forest, kept perfectly in order by seven clever and thoughtful young boys. And here they are."

(While the narrator introduces the story, Jon scrolls over the icon at the bottom of the screen. It talks over the narrator, saying "Back to menu. Back to menu. Back to menu. Back t- back t- back to menu.")

Jon (VO): And here they are! Let's get right to it! (snaps fingers twice) C'mon!

Game Narrator: "First, there was Cubby, who was like a small bear..."

Jon (VO): A small bear? In what sense is this child like a small bear? He's not even wearing a bear, uh, t-shirt or anything.

Game Narrator: "And then there was Big Basel, who was... huge. Well, for a boy, he was huge."

Jon: Aaaah, it's TOO LATE, narrator! Y'already called the kid fat! S'no goin' back!

Game Narrator: "And then Sonny, who took care of the plants and the animals..."

Jon (VO): WHAAAAAAT?!! And, was also a very... racist depiction of a black person! This game was approved by Sony with THAT in it?! Nice call, guys. Really good one. Also, maybe... y'know, next time don't take too much fashion advice from Uncle Sam and the Harlem Globetrotters.

(Smash cut to a loop of Snow White flailing over a flashing background, while Mario Kart music plays over top if it.)

Snow White: ♫ This is my sooooong, I am siiiiinging it noooooow ♫

Jon: Aw, sick lyrics dude! Sick song! (pulls out a lighter, lights it, and starts waving it) Get outta here! (waves fist) Get outta here right now!

Jon (VO): The "real game" ["REAL GAME"], if you could call it that, is just... absolute nothingness. It's literally just minigames of sliding puzzles, jigsaw puzzles, and coloring books. I don't know what convinced someone that this... is the thing that they should make for the world to see. Well, you out there who made this, I got one thing to say to you... alright? Follow your dreams. But not this hard. Don't- Don't follow them so hard that this happens. But follow your dreams.

[BUT FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS]

(Jon completes a slide puzzle.)

Game Narrator: "Well done!... Back to menu- Next."

DressUpWho
Jon: Well... I think we covered it all. I think that's everything.

Zach Hadel: (screaming in the distance) '''LET IT GOOOO!! LET IT GOOOOOO!! DON'T HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!!!'''

(Jon looks around in bewilderment until Bootleg Jacques descends, holding a scroll.)

Jon: Another letter? (takes the scroll from Bootleg Jacques' feet) Ugh...

Bootleg Jacques: I feel unexplained joys and sorrows! But alas, I am synthetic!

Jon: Alright, Jacques, c'mon. I'm doin' something here. (opens the scroll, which contains only the DressUpWho logo) "DressUp...Who"? Ohhhh... I gotcha.

(Cuts to Jon dressed as Elsa from Frozen.)

Jon: THIS WAS A MISTAAAAAAKE!!!!!! (tiara falls off)

(Cuts to the DressUpWho website.)

Jon (VO): Well, actually, DressUpWho is a... website, I guess? With dress-up games and girl gaaaaaaames! We got "Pou Kitchen Slacking"! It's GIRL GAAAAAMES! [IT'S GIRL GAMES!!!!!] We got "Clean Up Horse Farm 2," no boys allowed! Also, I gotta check out "Clean Up Horse Farm 1" sometime. Sounds- sounds pretty good.

Elsa: Frozen Brain Surgery
Jon (VO): Easily the most fascinating thing about this website is its section on Frozen games, which...there are so many of. But nothing... nothing comes close to the majesty of the crowning jewel of this website. The one, the only... (shows the game's title screen) "Elsa: Frozen Brain Surgery!"

Jon: Frozen... Brain... Surger-- (brain breaks internally) Whaa?

Jon (VO): I cannot even fathom this! At this moment... I'm truly dumbfounded! It's elegant. It's wonderful. It's... got a low chance of survival.

(While playing the game, it asks Jon to inject the anesthetic directly into a bald Elsa's head.)

Jon (VO): Oh my God, right there? (chuckling) Right in the- right in the brain? Okay... (injects her with anesthetic) Nighty-night, Elsa. (she falls asleep) It's... magical!

(Cuts to a segment of the game where the top of Elsa's skull has been removed, exposing her brain. For some unknown reason, Elsa's brain has a tiara, a rock, Olaf's head, and a pair of Hello Kitty-brand glasses stuck onto it.)

Jon (VO): Why, Elsa, I think I- I- I see the problem! I see where y- w- where you mi- where you might be havin' some problems. (uses surgical knife to remove Olaf's head) Just gonna- Just gonna remove these off you, Elsa. Just don't worry... okay? The rock? (removes rock) We're gettin' the rock right outta your brain!

(After surgery, a spinning, glittery snowball appears over Elsa's head, restoring the top of her head.)

Jon (VO): And like nothing ever happened. This game was barely girly enough for me. I'm gonna need to see, uh, more great girl games, please.

Elsa Pregnant Check-Up
(Shows the title screen for "Elsa Pregnant Check-Up." Elsa herself is shown in a hospital gown-like top and hair cap while disembodied hands perform an ultrasound on her very pregnant belly. The baby, who looks remarkably like Elsa, is shown on a screen next to her.)

Jon (VO): Y'know... (chuckles) this is... fucked right up!

(Cuts to a scene in the game where the baby inside Elsa's womb is measured.)

Jon (VO): There she is. (a measuring tape with no numbers measures the baby) Let's measure that baby. How big is that baby? Yup, that's about- That's the size of a baby, everyone! (checks baby's heartbeat with a stethoscope) Yeah, that baby's got a heart, too! Unlike the creator of this shit. How many of these are there? Is this a thing? Is this just, like, an unknown genre?

Elsa's Zombie Baby
(Cuts to the title screen of "Elsa's Zombie Baby". The title remarkably has zombie hands and eyes on it.)

Jon (VO): (laughs heartily) What the... fuck? Noooo! [NO!]

(Shows a cutscene of Elsa holding her baby, who looks remarkably like Jack Frost from Rise of the Guardians.)

Jon (VO): (reading Elsa's dialogue) "You are the most adorable baby in the world."

(An evil princess then comes up to them.)

Jon (VO): (reading the evil princess' dialogue while chuckling) "I wouldn't say that!"?

(The evil princess casts a spell on Elsa's baby, turning him into a gruesome zombie with sickly green skin, multiple patches of skin that have cracked and rotted away to reveal the flesh underneath, unfocused eyes that leak an unknown fluid, weird nostril tentacles, a fanged mouth leaking a greenish fluid, an angry-looking eyeball on his left palm, scraggly hair, a curled blue horn on the left side of his head, and a zombified hand on the right side. The tips of his normal right fingers and toes are also peeking through the zombified versions.)

Jon (VO): (laughing) Ohhhh my Go- you're just gonna walk away?! You're gonna turn somebody's baby into a zombie and just gonna- w- you- wha- dawdle away?! Your beautiful baby has a FUCKING HAND coming out of his head, and now you're just gonna look mildly disappointed sh- while she just walks away?!

(Cuts to a segment in the game where Elsa's zombie baby is now on a surgical table.)

Jon (VO): Is th- Is there a procedure for (chuckling) zombification of baby? (puts ointment on baby) Just put a little ointment on it? (uses tweezers to remove baby's fangs and extra appendages) Yeah, get some of that. Just drop that in the petri dish... Get that horn. Yeah, take the hand off. See, that was really bugging me.

(After the procedure, the baby is still all green and covered in spots, greatly resembling the Jolly Green Giant.)

Jon (VO): Ohhhh! He's fixed!

Elsa Hand Doctor
Jon (VO): (sees "Elsa Hand Doctor") Oh, what the hell is this?!

(Cuts to the game, where Jon has to remove germs from Elsa's hands while she gives him a sly, knowing look.)

Jon (VO): Elsa, don't give me that cheeky look... alright? [ALRIGHT?] You got yourself into this mess; I'm the one helping you get out of it! Y- You're not doing me any favors here.

Jon (VO): (hovering over other games) "Elsa Baby Birth," Elsa milking a cow... "Pregnant Elsa Foot Check?

(Cuts to "Elsa Pregnant Foot Check".)

Pregnant Elsa Foot Check
Jon (VO): (looking at Elsa's royally messed up foot) Oh my '''GOOOODDDD! '''(zooms into a particularly gruesome cut) AAAAAAH!! Absolutely horrific. Elsa, what you been doin' ah- out there? (laughing) Why this? Why pregnant foot doctor? How do these... concepts sync up? At least there's a nice snowman in the background.

Elsa Throat Doctor
Jon (VO): (sees "Elsa Throat Doctor") Oh, what the fffffff''fuck?! ''

(Cuts to the main menu screen of the game, where Elsa has her mouth wide open and a bunch of strange germ-like masses are present on the inside of her cheeks and on her uvula.)

Jon (VO): WHAT THE FFFFFFUCK?! Oh, God! Oh, jee-- Oh, Lord in Heaven, whyyyyy?! I'm gonna throw up! I'm gonna actually throw up! I'm not even-- (gags and coughs) Oh my God, I'm actually gonna barf. I'm not fucking around.

("Ride of the Valkyries" plays over a montage of Jon playing more absolutely disgusting Frozen games and various shots of war disasters.)

Jon (VO): (still in his Elsa costume, but now with an Elsa beanie) Well, I can firmly say... I didn't like Frozen before, but that was a solid ten outta ten for me. Gonna go watch that movie again, give it a- give it a- give it a- give it a two thumbs up... I'm scarred for life. Tha- th- that's- This is not a joke. This is not a part of the program; this is for real. I'm- I'm-- (begins receiving flashbacks of the games) I can still see it... (receives more flashbacks as he cries and pounds his head) Get out of my brain...!

Outro/Sponsor
Jon (VO): WOW! WHAT A RIDE! Thanks for WATCHING! This episode of JonTron was sponsored by the wonderful people at Loot Crate!

Jon (offscreen): They are a monthly subscription box service that specializes in pop culture and gamer gear. They guarantee over 40 dollars worth in value in each box, you get about 4 to 8 mystery items in there, some are limited edition, and you get at least one T-shirt with every box.

Jon: They got a theme every month; this one is power. Power. Alright, let's see what's in here. (opens box)

(Jon pulls out a T-shirt with a design from the 1986 film Labyrinth.)

Jon: Alright, it's a pretty cool Labyrinth shirt. (chuckling) I'll actually wear that.

(Cuts to Jon with a pair of Harry Potter socks.)

Jon: (dramatic voice) Harry Potter socks! (normal voice) Harry Potter doesn't suck. (regrets previous statement) Don't keep that.

(Cuts to Jon holding an Uncharted poster featuring Nathan Drake and the text "I am a man of fortune and I must seek my fortune".)

Jon: Mel Gibson! (looks at poster) (chuckling) Oh, wait; that's Nathan Drake... (looks back at camera) Mel Gibson!

(Cuts to Jon holding a cloth sack containing a Viking-style drinking horn.)

Jon: (pulls horn out from sack) I think this is my personal favorite one by far. It's like, um... It's that old-timey drink the beer thing, (imitates taking a swig from the horn), y'know? Or just, like, a sacrificial... (imitates stabbing himself in the heart with the horn but pushes a bit too hard), y'know... Ow. Ow, for real.

(Cuts to Jon pulling another item from the box.)

Jon: (pulls out a booklet entitled "Quest: Adventure Awaits) "Quest: Adventure Awaits"! (reading text on back) "You enter the forest at the darkest point, where there is no path." See, honestly... just a bad idea.

(Cuts to Jon holding a cyan lidded container with the inside shaped like a 20-sided die.)

Jon: I think this is a 20-sided die holder... but the 20-sided die on the inside, not the outside. That's a shame, 'cause then you coulda just rolled this as a 20-sided die... (rolls container like dice) Who needs it?

(Cuts to Jon with the Loot Anime box.)

Jon: And also, if you're so inclined, there is the Loot Anime box. (opens box) What do we got in here?

(Jon pulls out a box of Pretz, a pretzel snack food made by the same company that made Pocky.)

Jon: Hot chili salad-flavored PRETZ! (chuckling) You know you can't say no to that.

(Cuts to Jon holding a box of two Tokyo Ghoul-themed shot glasses.)

Jon: Tokyo Ghoul! Now, that's ghoulishly cool.

(Jon pulls out a patch of the Soul Eater logo encased in a clear plastic sleeve.)

Jon: (smacks patch) Who is this??

(Cuts to Jon holding the standard Loot Crate box.)

Jon: So if you like that, you think you want it, you can use my special link, Lootcrate.com-slash-JonTron, or if you want the anime one, Lootcrate.com-slash-JonTronAnime. 3 dollars off on each. (smacks box and smiles at camera)

(Zooms in on Jon, showing a very threatening aura.)

Jon: Get it... '''before I get you. '''A great birthday present. (laughs playfully and tosses Loot Crate box onto table)

(Cuts to end card.)

Jon (VO): Also, if you wanna watch a Did You Know Gaming I voiced on Disney games, click right here. ("Did You Know Gaming - Disney" video flashes)