The Zoo Race/Transcript

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Jon: It's Christmas time. Time to spend with friends, family, and of course little baby JC over here! How you enjoying your birthday, buddy? You ain't got much time left, so live it up now, you know, I mean, they do some fucked-up shit to you, like they fuck you up, dude. And finally, the Christmas season is about taking a break from the hustle and bustle of life. Now, I'll tell you, playing these games is hard work. So I'm gonna kick back, relax, turn on a Nintendo game and try to get my brain to rest it so dearly needs.

(Gameplay of The Zoo Race appears, featuring a horse jumping into a cannon and getting launched into the air.)

Jon: There's no rest for a JonTron, is there? There's no rest.

Alright, I suppose it's my duty then. One more, in the spirit of the season I give you this gift to hold warmly in your heart like a Yuletide log, brace yourselves, for The Zoo Race.

Jon (VO): Zoo Race is... is a game. Someone made this. This is a thing that exists and was put into the world knowingly.

Let me give you a taste. In one picture, I'm gonna show you what Zoo Race is all about.

(A screenshot of the game appears, with explosions.)

Jon (VO): Did you get that? Is that all sinking in for you?

Jon: Let's get broken. Let's get broken together this Christmas, you and me, you know. Forget Rudolph, forget Frosty and Charlie Brown, I just wanna get- I just wanna get real sad.

[THE TRAUMA BEGINS]

(The opening cutscene of the game plays, featuring a man and a woman talking; both are badly animated.)

Hannah: Hi Ruben, may I ask, what book are you reading?

Ruben: Oh, hi Hannah, yes it's a book about Noah's Ark.

Jon: Oh boy, here we go.

Jon (VO): Look at Albert Einstein over here, just perfectly placed for this meeting of the minds.

Hannah: Ruben, do you actually believe in the Bible story of Noah's Ark?

Jon (VO): Two sentences in, she's already asking about his beliefs, now, first off, that's just rude, and second off, uh, hey Hannah, where the fuck you goin'? You're gonna just ask him and run? Okay, just repositioning yourself then?

Hannah: Ruben.

Ruben: Yes Hannah?

Hannah: I must recommend for you to read perhaps some more informative books.

Jon (VO): Now Hannah, frankly, I don't know what the fuck you're talkin' about. This is like the most exciting shit — it's a book about a guy collecting every animal. It's like, the original Pokémon.

Hannah: There's always the dictionary, encyclopedias, and also many history books to choose from.

Jon (VO): Oh, is that how you get smart? Ah, pff, that would explain it. I've been trying for ages and failing.

Ruben: No Hannah, I like books about animals, those other books are boring to me.

Jon (VO): And my dialogue was written by a four-year-old.

Look at this lady walking down the hall, once she gets in earshot. She's out of there. She's a smartest person in the room.

Ruben: Do you think that Noah had any creature races in those days after the world flood?

Jon: Now Ruben, you know that's a loaded question.

Ruben: Did Noah play and have fun with the animals?

Jon: Now Ruben, you know that's a loaded question.

Hannah: I think that maybe you read too many books, Ruben.

Jon (VO): And Ruben, this is a librarian telling you this. Clearly, she can see you're a man who's been reading one too many a dusty of skis great works. It must be the vacant, existential stare that tipped her off.

Hannah: You have too much imagination, Ruben.

Jon (VO): Oh, that's the hand of a defeated man right there.

Hannah: And who would actually start in announce such a race? Maybe, God himself, maybe? {laughs} Yeah, right.

Jon (VO): {laughs} Yeah, that's totally the weirdest thing about this.

God: Actually, I would love to, but this is a very busy time of year for me. I've got my son's birthday, and don't laugh at me!

Jon (VO): Now Hannah, while this man's brain may be filled with as many holes as a fine Swiss cheese, that's th- that's the thing you're gonna single out? That he couldn't announce a race?

Ruben: But, but, you know that God can do it. Because God can do anything.

Jon (VO): Is anyone else getting the feeling this conversation has about as much depth as two five-year-olds arguing over who the best Ninja Turtle is?

Ruben: Come on, Hannah, let's race! You and me, let's race!

(Ruben walks quickly around the library.)

Jon: {gasp} Oh, and he's off!

Jon (VO): Look at this guy go, he's Homeward Bound! Come on, buddy, keep going, you're making time for the holidays! You do it, big guy!

(Ruben suddenly rises up from behind the desk, and a flushing sound plays.)

Jon: Cut it back up a bit there.

Jon: For the first time in my life, I'm... I'm fu- fuckin'- fuckin' speechless. I have nothing.

Ruben: Come on, Hannah, are you going to race me? {laughs}

Jon (VO): I shit back here.

Hannah: You need to get a brain, Ruben.

[SICK BURN]

Hannah: And besides that, well... I don't think that I can race even if I wanted to. I'm not very strong or anything.

[UNWARRANTED SELF-LOATHING]

Hannah: I don't feel very well. Ugh.

(Hannah and Ruben are turned into animals; a horse and rhino respectively.)

Jon: Actually guys, I think- you know, maybe- maybe it's me right now that's not feeling so good.

(The others in the room are turned into animals.)

Jon (VO): WHAT?!

Hannah: I'm a horse, now. {horse sound}

Jon (VO): Uh, yes that statement is true, care to go on?

Hannah: And you Ruben... You're a rhinoceros!

Jon (VO): Ah, Hannah, come on, that's just rude, that's tasteless.

[RHINO SOUND?]

Hannah: What else could ever happen to us, today?

["What else could ever happen to us, today?" 〜Horse]

Jon (VO): Lady, you just got turned into a horse. I'm gonna say sky's the limit.

(The animals go out of the building, which is revealed to be massive ark.)

Oh my God. Yeah, this one's for real, isn't it? Hey, where you guys going over there? Is it somewhere else? Take me with you!

Alright, so this is The Zoo Race. I guess subtitled Noah's Adventures 2? Is that like follow up to Noah's Adventure 1, the video game that doesn't exist, or is it actually a sequel to the Bible story? If it's the latter, interesting move from religious texts a video game. Bold choice! Also, what is this, J-Pop?

Jon (VO): Lovely, you could look at the credits.

(The credits scroll up very slowly.)

Jon (VO): Yeah, if they ever get here.

Ah, yeah, I don't know what I was expecting. It would appear that a man named Taco Cohen wrote a whole seven lines of code for this game! What they do it in, C--?

Oh, and by the way, this is very important to remember, so write this down, Tamar the Tiger was created by Dan Silverman. Dan, we couldn't have done this without you, buddy.

(Jon goes to the ‘Creature Party’ screen, which has a lot of Christian songs.)

♫~ Creature party, creature party, it's more fun than nothing! ~♫ Is that Tamar the Tiger over there? Oh, well I'm take it all back! I can see now that an explicit credit was necessary!

Hey, Tamar, is that rigor mortis set in for you yet? Yeah, I feel you, man, it's tough.

♫~ Jewish rhino, top hat pig, dancin' lamb dusn'no he's bout to get slaughtered! I don't know what- that- is on the right, I think- it might be a PHARAOH GOAT! ~♫

All these screens look like a website from the early internet days. "The earth was filled with great violence in Noah's time as the Bible describes." yeah, just Noah's time, thank God that's over.

"The Game Story - Fiction" Woah, thank God they cleared that up.

Alright, time to pick a character, I guess. What's with these titles? Warrior, Courageous, Swim Champion? ♫~ One of these is not like the other. ~♫

One of them fought and died for his cause. The other, eh, he did a mean backstroke at summer camp.

Well, here's Tamar, again. Yeah, I'm just gonna s- I'm gonna say, that's just a fucking Tiger. I'm not so sure you can get credit for making a 3D model of a fucking Tiger! I think the only person who should be credited for this if anyone is God himself, and I think, you know, in light of this whole thing, is a bit blasphemous to try to take credit for that.

Jon: Or at the very least, it's just plagiarism.

Jon (VO): "Priscilla the Pig" I gotta hand it to you, you really are the Entertainer. yeah, there's something about you I just- I can't put my finger on what it is.

You know, I'm gonna go with the pig, because I feel like, you know, maybe there's some real dire consequences for not going with the pig.

Announcer: Priscilla the Pig!

Jon (VO): Oh God, you don't sound so good. You get enough sleep last night?

Oh, oh there she goes, oh there's no turning back now, we're head to the starting line!

Is that just- Is the word "Nectarine" just gonna be there the whole time? Alright, I'll roll with it.

OH My- holy shit! I think- I think I got- I think I'm bleeding from the chest. {chuckles} What the fuck? Oh god. {laughs} Is this real life? Ooooooo. Ooooh noooo, Harry.

Jon: You know, when I got on here to play this game based on Noah's Ark, I remember saying to myself, I said: "If they don't have a shitty version of Van Halen's Jump as the background music, I'm out!"

Jon (VO): {chuckles} Oh, I think I found a defector over here. Looks like one of Satan's boys is trying to claw his way back to Hell. Yeah, no dice, buddy, that would have taken at least eight lines of programming. Listen, man, I'm really sorry about your situation, but I got a race to win.

O-ho! 'OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH BOAT!!!! HO!! HOO!!! HOOOO!!!! HO-' Is this a- Is this a glitch?

{chuckles} What the fuck? I don't know, I don't know, I d- Oh, I think that was a gli- No, it wasn't! It wasn't a glitch! Presumed! Resumed!

This almost looks like Mario 64. Yeah, I should slap myself for saying that.

Jon (VO): Oh, that g- that goddamn gorilla is staring at me again. I will- I will not have it. This is like a bad day at the Bronx Zoo.

{chuckles} Holy shit! This is awesome! Was that- Is that John 3:16 over here, throwing goddamn ra- radiated barrels in my way?

Oh, hey, I actually won! What's my prize? Other than of course, you know, getting the privilege to stare headlong into Noah's dick.

"Shalom"? Am I missing something? Isn't that one different? Ain't that like going to Disneyland and ask him for a Bugs Bunny hat?

Jon: Oh- No, no, just do- Don't- Don't do me like this, please, just- just don't do me like this. Is that-

Jon (VO): Is that him? Is that Noah? Oh, here he comes! Comin' in from downtown! Dunk that ball, Noah!

Jon: ♫~ It's a living. ~♫

Jon (VO): There is nothing in the known universe that science cannot explain, but this appears to be beyond the realm of sciences. Is this meant to test my faith, or to lead me to faith?

Also, you may be wanna, you know, set off a few of those fireworks a bit farther from the pig?

Unless, of course, your aim here is to make bacon rain, which I admit, is also a very admirable goal.

Announcer: Give thanks to the God of heaven.

Jon (VO): You wanna run that by me one more time, maybe this time, one less Vicodin jam down your throat?

This game is a train wreck of the most beautiful kind. The controls are wonky, the courses consist mostly of straightaways and 90-degree hairpin turns, and there doesn't seem to be any ulterior goal except winning the race and watching Noah through his magical firework dance.

Let's check out the second level.

"Avoid the obstacles", one of which is God himself, it seems. Come on, you guys have given me conflicting messages here.

This race is pirate and Egyptian themed? I'm pretty sure those things existed at different times, and I think maybe one of them didn't even exist at all.

(As Noah) All the gold is yours now. Also, I'm the Lincoln Memorial with gold or banana peels. Uh my graphics aren't good enough to tell... You still get to stare my dick, though.

♫"...No one like the Lord our God"♫

Jon (VO): Dude, I don't think that was weed we just smoked.

Everybody's up for a Noah party, Noah's in the house and let it hey go, lemme hear you go in a Noah party, gonna say Noah and imma say no to this, money kid(?) mom told ya "Say no to drugs", she also meant to say no to this!

Let's check out Seth's Safari.

Avoid the dinosaurs, okay, this one, I got it. This one makes sense to me.

'''THIS IS UNFINISHED! DO NOT TAMPER WITH, PLEASE!'''