Bootleg Pokémon Games/Transcript

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(Title card shows Jon in a brown trench coat, sunglasses, and a red Pokémon trainer-styled cap with a green copyright symbol on it. He opens the trench coat to reveal that he has bootleg Pokémon merchandise for sale, including a standard Poké Ball, a Master Ball, two Pokémon game cartridges for different consoles, and a toy Pikachu head. Jon also sports two compressed Poké Balls on his belt. Jaqcues also pokes his head over the opened coat.)

(As Jon talks, the camera pans over a small collection of Pokémon merchandise, which is composed of a copy of Pokémon X, a Nintendo 3DS with Pikachu decal, 3 packs of Pokémon trading cards spread out in front, a 4th set of cards in the back in a box with a small Fennekin figure included, and plushies of Tepig, Pignite, Emboar, Pikachu, and Fletchling.)

Jon (VO): Pokémon. A series dearly beloved by many. Few games can claim to harness its gravitational pull. This golden goose has sold millions upon millions of copies, spawned countless varieties of merchandise, and touched multiple generations of kids and adults alike. How many franchises do you know that bridge the generational gap?

(Jon appears standing next to the merchandise.)

Jon: Now, I know what you're probably thinkin' to yourself: "Why are you tellin' me this? I've played 'em all. I've been to 'em all. I've been to Kanto, Johto, Ancho, Habanero, Poblano, Antonio Banderas; I've swung 'em all, sister! Swung with the best!"... But you ain't never seen... (takes cartridge out from his pocket) the likes of this. (slams cartridge down on side table) That's right. With every big fish... there's a leech on the belly.

(Cuts to Jon sitting on his couch.)

Jon: Today, we're gonna have a look at the fascinating world of bootlegged Pokémon games. N- Now, these aren't games you can find in stores. They're games that made their way into circulation one way or another. None of them are licensed or acknowledged by Nintendo, and... they're pretty damn hard to find.

Pocket Monster (Super NES)
Jon (VO): First off, let's look at what's known as Pocket Monster. It's inferred that it was released in the year 2000 by DVS Electronics, because on the box art, there are two small icons reading "New Game" and "2000"... Hey, it's not empirical science, but what can I tell ya? I'm a simple man.

Jon: It's strange. The label on my game says "Pokémon: Pikachu Edition," which first off isn't even the name of the game at hand, but if you peel back the label, there's another label that says... "Picachu" and it's spelled wrong?? What is this game?! WHO MADE IT and WHY?!!

(The options screen appears, and a Pikachu is seen to the left, looking as adorable as ever.)

Jon (VO): Look at this Pikachu. Seriously, is it any wonder why he's so popular? Even when he's half-assed and bootlegged, he still melts my heart. I can feel the money loosening from my wallet already.

(Dollar bills fly from Jon's pocket and slam onto the television screen.)

(The game's title screen appears.)

Jon (VO): He's like- (chuckles) He's all like, "Fuck you."

(The game begins. Intense background music plays as the player character, a Pikachu, drops from the sky flailing his arms, before landing without any fall damage. Pikachu then proceeds to start walking goofily to the music.)

Jon: (stands up) No, I... I can't.

(Cuts to Jon about to leave the building.)

Jon: Alright, I just- I gotta leave, okay?

Paul Ritchey (cameraman): Jon, we just started. Come on, man; we- We gotta--

Jon: Listen, listen. There's a lot to see in this life... Not wastin' it here. (leaves)

Jon (VO): Well, there's a shocker for you! Five seconds into the game, and it's already like- (makes raspberry noises as the game glitches). Look at his arms flailing. Even he's confused and terrified. Hey, I'm not blamin' him! I would be, too! Listen to this music! This is not Level 1 music!

(The music, which is shamelessly stolen from the SNES game based on the early 90's Disney cartoon Bonkers, is heard again.)

Jon (VO): Talk about putting the player on edge right away. This game is extremely hard to play! When Pikachu jumps, the entire game lags. Every... single... time! But then when you just wanna go forward, he speeds up like a power walker with a New York minute to spare! So, It's like you're constantly in a battle between game speeds. Makes the platforming real difficult right off the bat. Also, could we take a minute to talk about the fact that Pikachu has the face of a, uh, a balding middle-aged man? Curly Howard, is that you? Did you come back?... Did you come back from the ground mausoleum? Even more ridiculous than all that is his walk cycle. I mean, look at that thing! Coupled with the music, it's like a vaudeville act in here.

(Cuts to footage of an old vaudeville act accompanied by appropriate music. Pikachu walks around accompanied by the same music. )

Jon (VO): Maybe it really is Curly, because I mean, they... started as a vaudeville act back in 1925. But that's not that funny, though, 'cause th- they're all dead. I thought they were supposed to be funny.

(Cuts to Jon in front of his TV screen as the game flashes on the screen.)

Jon: It's so bizarre seeing a Pokémon game actually playing on my SNES.

Jon (VO): Ah, this game's like a breath of fresh air, 'cause it showcases all the Pokémon that we've come to know and love over the years. You can see Beedrill... Porygon... Monkey... Mario Dinosaur... Poop... Abomination... (focuses on Abomination, which is an enemy from Syd of Valis) WHAT IS THIS?!? Is this what happens when illicit Pokémon breeding goes unchecked?! I'm lookin' at this from every goddamn angle there is; I can't tell where it starts and where it ends! Well, it's got a pinecone for a body, it's, uh, wearing a fez... and it's got that one staring... unblinking eye that reminds you that this creature lives in never-ending, ceaseless agony.

(Cuts to a different segment of gameplay.)

Jon (VO): Oh, by the way, this game's pure bullshit. [?] You can never see what's below you, so you always have to take leaps of faith that more often than not lead to your untimely demise. And it doesn't even matter how far you get. There's no checkpoint. So if you die... it's straight back to the beginning. When you drop back into the game after death... {THAT'S YOU}! That's an accurate representation of you saying, "NO! DON'T PUT ME BACK IN! {PLEASE}!!"

(Cuts to the game's continue countdown screen, with a bruised Pikachu lying near a Poké Ball accompanied by sad music which is also shamelessly stolen from the Bonkers game.)

Jon (VO): The continue screen looks like a PSA for abused Pokémon. To me, it's as if he's laying there, wounded in the light, and a Poké Ball rolls up to him and Ash says, "Keep going, Pikachu... or it's back in the ball for you."

(Jon struggles some more on the first level.)

Jon (VO): NGH!... MMM! NO, I DON'T WANT IT! Godda- {AUUGKCK}! Shhhit! [SHET]

(Cuts to Jon defeating the first boss.)

Jon (VO): So I finally beat the first level. Boss is a Snorlax. It's pre- Pretty energetic for a Snorlax, wouldn't you say?

(Cuts to the Level 2 intro screen.)

[IT'S HOT]

Jon (VO): So at the beginning of Level 2, you just see Ash say, "It's hot"?

(Level 2 begins, with more intense fast-paced music yet again shamelessly stolen from the Bonkers game. The level scrolls down for a bit and takes quite a long time to let Pikachu appear)

Jon (VO): Oh, he's comin'...... Any minute now...

(Pikachu finally appears and lands on a rocky platform.)

Jon (VO): Oh, there he is! Okay... {Byoutiful.} Oh... by "It's hot," he meant... l- d- literally; it's a-... a- a- it's a- it's a fire level. Thanks for lookin' out for me, Ash. I really appreciate it.

(Pikachu encounters a crab-like creature here. The camera zooms in to it, where it's seen performing a dance.)

Jon: ECH! OH! That's DISGUSTING! What is that?! Is- That's RANCID! Is that a- Is that a tap-dancing crab demon?! (hushed tone) Is that nightmare?... Is that true nightmare?

Pokemon Stadium (Super NES)
Jon (VO): Strangely enough, there's another SNES Pokémon game. It's a port of Pokémon Stadium for the N64, it looks like. The biggest difference being that there's a predetermined roster of 12 Pokémon. (notices mistranslated names) Hmmm! Don't those names just look... strikingly familiar? Who could forget Spia? And Dagut... And... Raif...

 Vileplume Raif: RAIF-RAIF-RAIF-RAIF-RAIF-RAIF-RAIF-RAIF-RAIF-RAIF-RAIF-RAIF-RAIF-RAIF--

Announcer: {MASSIVE DAMAGE}!

Jon (VO): It is a fully-fledged game, but there's not much to say about it. I'm just baffled that it exists at all.

Pokémon Adventure (Game Boy Color)
Jon (VO): Next up is Pokémon Adventure on the Game Boy Color. Ah, man! This one looks great! It looks like a game Nintendo actually could've made. Let's do this! I'm ready to go on this balloon-based adventure with Pikachu!

(The game begins, and the Sonic the Hedgehog-styled mechanics confuse Jon to the point that he accidentally runs into the very first enemy, dying instantly.)

Jon (VO): Wha- What's happ--? Ah- no! Goddamn- fffffff{FUCK}!!

Jon: ...Can't I just have a break? Can't I just have one break?

Jon (VO): I'm not playin' this up, okay? These were my actual first moments with the game. Complete confusion! Y'know, this game sets up a certain special scenario for you. It says, "Welcome to the game. That's the one thing you can see... (cuts to Pikachu dying) "Fuck you." [FUCK YOU] This is clearly a platformer! Why is the first enemy unkillable? Is that just a way to condition me for the journey ahead? Something you might notice is that Pikachu jumps like Sonic. He's even got those super-fast spinny feet when he runs, like in Sonic 2. Oh, hey, and he even charges up in a- in a... in a ball [BALL] e- like... Sonic... the Hedgehog... Yep, that's Son- that's Sonic. It's So- IT'S SONIC!! [SONIC] It turns out that this is actually a hack... of an existing hack for the Game Boy Color called Sonic Adventure 7. Yeah... what happened to th- What happened to 3 through 6?! Do you even realize what this means? Ladies and gentlemen, we are playing what could be the world's very first DOUBLE HACK.

(Jon starts typing on two different keyboards at the same time.)

Jon: OhhHhHhhHH!

Jacques: Warning, Jon. You are in danger of reaching hack capacity.

Moemon
Jon: Next one up's a bit weird. It's called Moemon.

Jon (VO): Ehhhh, th- th- ah, this one's weird. I dunno what to say about it; it's Pokémon with little girls... ugh. I mean, it's very obvious that a lot of, uh, care and passion went into making this. I mean, you can actually tell which Pokémon is which by lookin' at those... beautifully crafted sprites. But... 'WHYYYYY??? [WHY???] 'Do you realize that for this to happen, someone had to sit down, look at Pokémon, and say, "Y'know, this is great, but it, eh, j- it needs more little girls. I'm gonna go downstairs to my basement now next to my little girl dungeon and program this game." Welcome to planet Earth, ladies and gentlemen.

Pokémon Diamond and Jade (Game Boy Color)
Jon (VO): The next two games I wanna talk about are Pokémon Diamond and Jade. Huh, I guess someone beat Nintendo to the punch with Diamond there. But, oh, this is not the Diamond version you're thinkin' of. Because that would be... a time machine. And I know you don't have any of those layin' around! In this particular instance, we know Diamond is better than Jade, because Jade has a... a- a g- a goat demon on the box, and look at the... just look at the eyes. I j- I think there's feeling behind those eyes.

Jon: (wipes brow with a towel) Feelin' a bit of a... a bit of a chill... Sorry, I think I'm- ah, startin' to maybe feel ghosts or somethin'.

Jon (VO): Uhhh, I just want to point out that at the beginning of this "Pokémon game" there's a, um, an armadillo on a cell phone! I mean, presumably just tryin' to get reception in this forest, 'cause let's face it: there's not much reception out there.

(Jon notices a texture in the background that resembles a man with an erection.)

Jon (VO): (chuckles) Hold on a second. Talk about rockin' out with your cock out. I bet you $50 that's the guy who made Moemon back there. That's Mr. Moemon. This game is taking something completely fantastical, the world of fantasy monsters, and bringing it down to the most mundane level. He's like, "Did you remember to pick up the baking soda?" So this game has some weird fascination with cell phones. Yeah, totally gets me in the Pokémon spirit.

(Text reading "Decide Time!" appears.)

Jon (VO): Oh, it's Decide Time! It's time to make substantial decisions about my life and career... OH, wait! Never mind. Literally wants me to tell the time. I bet at this point you're all saying to yourselves, "Jon! What is this shit? Get it out of my face! This doesn't look anything like a Pokémon game!" Well, if that is what you were thinkin', you'd be right. It is in fact a Japanese cell phone themed RPG called Keitai Denjuu... Telefang. [Keitai Denjū Telefang] Okay, now get this: It means "Mobile Phone Beast......Telefang". [Mobile Phone Beast TELEFANG] Goddammit, that was the word I wanted to know most. What in God's name is a Telefang?! Listen, Japan; I know this was in the early 2000s, but I just can't see a series about monsters talkin' on telephones ever catchin' on.

(Cuts to a scene in the gameplay where the protagonist gets into a conversation.)

Jon (VO): "{Damn it! He's nothing!}" Yeah, you could say that again.

Pocket Monsters Crystal Version (Game Boy Color)
Jon: Now, the next one's actually one of my favorite ones. It's called Pokémon Vietnamese Crystal. Yeah, that's actually what it's called.

Jacques: That's racist.

Jon: (turns to Jaqcues) Now, you listen here, pip-pip: A racist mind is a racist kind. Now, y- you- you take that to sleep with you tonight, 'cause I know it's not- I'm not gonna change hearts and minds in a day... You don't... give a man a peanut, expect him to have a farm the next day. But, it's all right... It's all right. One day, we will all be equal on this earth. Until then, I'm gonna give you a kiss, muffin. (kisses Jacques)

Jon (VO): This game is exactly as advertised. It's Pokémon Crystal for Game Boy Color, but translated to Vietnamese and sold on the street as a bootleg. Oh, but that is not what sets this game apart from the rest. What makes this one so special is the bizarre translation.

(The game begins and things are immediately off.)

[WELCOME!

IT'S ELF'S WORLD]

Jon (VO): "Welcome! It's Elf's World...?" 'ELF'S WORLD?!? 'Oh, man, the game's bringin' the nostalgia right back! How could I forget the first time I ever met Professor Oak? Oh, oh, excuse me, I'm sorry; how could I have been so rude? I meant to call him by his preferred name... Elf Monster. He literally demands that not just me, but everyone call him...

Jon: Elf Monster. I- I couldn't make this shit up. I couldn't make this shit up if I tri- I'M SAD, THAT I LACK, the TALENT, to make this shit up!

(Cuts to a screen with a Wooper standing over a text box.)

[ELFS, HERE ARE

CALLED MONSTER]

Jon (VO): "Elfs, here are called monster." Well, that's good to know. He looks happy enough about it.

[THEY EXISTED

EVERYWHERE]

Jon (VO): "They existed everywhere." Oh, that's terrible! What happened to them?

[THEY PLAY FRIENDLY

HELP EACH OTHER]

Jon (VO): "They play friendly help each other."

[THERE ARE MANY

SECRETS INSIDE

TO KNOW THESE

RIDDLES]

Jon (VO): "There are many secrets inside to know these riddles."

Jon: Oh... philosophy-wise, he's up there with the greats. Aristotle, Plato, Confucius... meth head down my street that forgot how to speak English from too much meth...

[PLEASE CHECK

THE TIME]

Jon (VO): "Please check the time"?

Jon: (looks at his clock) ...Well, it's about quarter past one. Why'd you want me to do that?

[HOW MANY MINUTES?]

Jon (VO): "How many minutes?" Uhhh, I dunno. There's about 60 of them in an hour. Are we talking days? Weeks??... Years???

[WHAT TIME IS IT?]

Jon (VO): Oh, okay. Looks like I gotta set the time.

[WHATAF 3HIN TIME?]

Jon (VO): "Whataf 3hin time?" Well, that's a fantastic question. I dunno myself.

[WHAT!17 M?]

Jon (VO): Oh, I'm s- I'm sorry! I mean, you don't gotta yell! I didn't know it meant so much to you.

[AF 3H17 MBAD!SLEEP

TOO LATE]

Jon (VO): "Af 3h17 mbad!Sleep too late."

Jon: Yeah, I think I'm gonna quit here. This game's startin' to judge my lifestyle, and I just- mm, I don't- I don't- I don't need that. I made it past age 18, I pay my bills, I pay my taxes. I'm gonna fff- sleep late if I fuckin' want to. Fuck you.

Pokémon 4-in-1 (NES)
Jon (VO): Let's get back to the real games here. Pokémon 4-in-1 on the NES. That's just so weird to me; a Pokémon game on a console 10 years older than the original game. Who thought this was a good idea? Essentially, what we've got here is just a collection of mini-games based around Pokémon, three of which apparently revolve around pica, the eating disorder which causes people to ingest inedible objects. And speakin' of food, Pikachu himself looks like, uh, a fuckin' potato. Picaclick, Picaslot, Picadance, and P-... P-... Pacman? That one is just called fucking Pacman! Okay! [OK] Hold on! NNNO! That is the only game that had a "P" in it to begin with! They coulda just as easily called it Pikaman, as all the others are themed with "Pika"! But no, they just left it Pacman. Alright, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they didn't want the subtlety of their, uh, blatant theft to be lost on the masses.

Picaclick
Jon (VO): Picaclick is just a game where you match blocks. I dunno what's goin' on with this one, I don't even know if you can lose. Okay, click, click, click- Fuck it, I don't give a shit.

Picaslot
Jon (VO): Picaslot is stupid, too. It's just a slot machine. Literally. It's just luck. Press the button and watch it go! The only feedback you get from this game is the "Win" box on the right. Who would d- Who would play- Who would play this? Who would, eh- d--

Pacman
Jon (VO): Pacman! Oh, now this one's good. This one has some depth to it. Probably because it's Pac-Man; literally, it's Pac-Man, and it changed the course of the gaming market when it came out  'cause it's ffffffff{FUCKING} Pac-Man!

Picadance
Jon (VO): Picadance is great. Oh! Look at 'em go! Set to the song "Butterfly" by Smile.dk.

(Shows gameplay of Picadance, which is a Dance Dance Revolution-style game where 3 different Pokémon--them being Pikachu, Marill, and Cleffa--slowly spin and rise to the top of the screen, and the goal is to hit buttons as the Pokémon pass over the stylized Poké Balls in time with the simplified, 8-bit version of "Butterfly" by Smile.dk that plays in the background.)

Jon (VO): Where are these Pokémon going to? I think I wanna head up there with 'em. Oh, not to mention, every single high-score on this game is DDR... DDR... DDR... DDR... Didn't bother to hide it! '''DDR! DIDN'T BOTHER TO HIDE IT! PACMAN! DDR! ''LOSE! LOSE! LOSE! LOSE!! LOSE!!! LOSE!!!!!!!!'

Lavender Town Syndrome
Jon: WELL, my work's done here! I'm gonna go get a... goddamn glass of bootleg milk, calm my fff-... goddamn nerves. Feel like Geppetto in the goddamn Pinocchio musical.

(Suddenly, as Jon goes to open his fridge, what sounds like a Pokémon cry is heard. The Lavender Town music then begins to play and a black cartridge with the Pokémon logo appears floating behind him. Jon slowly turns and moves towards the cartridge in disbelief. He then snatches it out of the air.)

Jon: Wait a second. Isn't this that version of Pokémon where the... Pokémon actually die instead of faint? And it had that version of Lavender Town that causes all those Japanese kids to get mysteriously ill... Oh, I- I should get rid of this.

(Jon appears in the dark, holding a pair of scissors to the cartridge with the intention of cutting it in half. The infernal spell of Lavender Town Syndrome forces him to stop and reconsider.)

Jon: Well, maybe I'll just have... one play.

(Jon inserts the cartridge into his SNES' Super Game Boy peripheral, then slides the SNES' Power button forward. The TV screen erupts into static and a Haunter appears on the screen, partially emerging from it and also shooting a curvy rainbow beam into Jon's mouth before quickly cutting to black. The screen fades back, showing the cartridge still in the console. We then see Jon as a Pokémon trainer sprite in the game, with a text box below him that reads as such:

[JON, are you

ready?]

(Now integrated into the game world, Jon proceeds through it, leaving Jacques to watch helplessly. The screen then cuts to black again with a crash sound.)

Jacques: Boobs.

(3 crash sounds are heard with the camera closing in on Jacques with each one. Then with a 4th one it suddenly cuts to a obese man with his man boobs prominently displayed, followed by a cow's udder with a partially cut-off 5th.)

Outro
Jon (VO): Thanks for watching! If you wanna stay current with all the JonTron going-ons, don't forget to subscribe to the YouTube channel, Like me on Facebook, and follow me on Twitter. And if you wanna see somethin' else cool, just click this annotation here. It'll take you to an episode of Did You Know Gaming I voiced on Pokémon science! (chuckles) That's mysterious! Heh, I'm like, (chuckles softly) the Carl Sagan of Pokémon. (snorts)