Aquaman: Battle For Atlantis/Transcript

Video Here ---\/ [Text in brackets = text not spoken but shown on screen]

Jon: You know, I like games! And- And you know the best place to where to find your games. Youtube comments! Now let me just log in right here and I'll get on my way. So let's just uh, go right here over to the channel page, and, uh, let's check out some comments!

[OMG LMAO PLS MAKE A VIDEO WHERE YOU SAY BHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAEAEAEAEAEAEA]

[this is way there is a really easy guy at the end o fallout 3 - ok....... U JUST WENT THROW A WAR WITH ALLLLLL UR STIMPAKS AND KILLING A BUNCH OF GUYS AND U KEEP DIEING AND DIEING AND DIEING WHEN U FIMILLY MAKE IT TO THE END AND REACH THAT GUY DO U REALLY WANT A GIANT ROBOT OR SOMETHING!!!]

Jon: Oh. OH. OOH! OOHHGGH! OHHHGGGHHH! OOAAUGGHHCH! EEAUUGHHCHHHGGG!!!! I'm? Am.. Am I alive? Am I in Hell yet? All the things I could've been. All the things I didn't get to say, Jacques! I love you, man! I- I wish I could've been a better woman to you. (Jon shown having a stroke)

Jacques: Jon! Jon, bro! Wake up! You must've read at least three to four of those comments in a row.

(Jon wakes up)

Jon: OH! OK. I think I gotta pretty good idea of what i'mma play today...

(Shows footage of the classic Aquaman cartoon)

Jon (VO): Aquaman! Everyone's... Favorite... Superhero? What's he do again? Talk to fish? Yeah, cool.

Aquaman: Now. Hold tight! I'll get help!

Narrator: Now, Aquaman's brain telepathic emminations van out through the deep. Summoning a giant sea turtle!

[WHAT?!]

Jon (VO): Seeing as Aquaman possessed a BLISTERING popularity in the eyes of the mainstream gamer, developer... Uh... Lucky Chicken? Decided to take it upon themselves to bring the masses of games starring the "Fishy Fundamentalist" himself. Lucky Chicken can be credited with such masterpieces as Battletanks... On the Game Boy Color. Their labor of love would eventually come to be known as "Aquaman: Battle For Atlantis"! And by "Labor of Love", of course, I mean they spent 45 minutes in a basement one night with a 1987 "Macintosh". Aquaman hit store shelves for a full $20, and received such crowning scores as [2.3] [3.0] [27] RUN! RUN FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, RUNNNN!!!!!

So, here we begin! This game was published by TDK which is short for "They don't kare" about their reputation. Little known fact. The fact that this is actually backed by DC Comics is just proof that they wanted to drown out Aquaman more than they currently have. Heh.. Hoh, I did a pun! I did a PUN! So let's start that new game.

Which character do I want? Aquaman, or question mark, question mark, question mark? Hey, whoa. What is this shit? I.. I can't pick that character! God, you could at least bug test your game before releasing it, GUYS. Guess I'll have to go with Aquaman...

Jon (VO): Alright. So, ooh. Oh, Ok. So this is how it's gonna be, huh? Mmm, yep. Already getting some good vibes here.

So, as if I should have expected anything different, here’s how the cut scenes present all, and I mean ALL exposition. Comic panels! Yep, mhm, yeah. Completely silent, completely horrible, one after another. And it's one of those games that's just so horrifically lazy, so TERRIBLY incompetent that they just loop one ridiculously mundane track through everything!

(Jon gives a sample of music and the comic panels)

[MULTIPLY EFFECT BY ∞]

Jon (VO): And if this weren't pitiful enough, these scenes aren't even drawn by a professional cartoonist or anything, they're just like Garry’s Mod-ed with in-game models. I-if you're gonna do this, why didn't you just animate them???? Ah, well let me guess, that would’ve taken up 3 minutes of your 45-minute time budget, couldn’t fit it. I understand, really, I do; One time, I had to build a popsicle house in 30 minutes for my kindergarten class. it's really hard, I had to cut out all the C++.

Honestly, the text doesn’t even fit in the bubbles- and wh- and that guy is wearing a suit of bacon!

I honestly don't know where to begin. It appears that the right stick is used as a "make-you-wanna-vomit" function. It's just moves a random directions when you touch it. There's no rhyme or reason. I don’t even know why you’d ever use it.

Wait- wait hold on a sec, is issa- what’s that? Is that a hook hand? As far as I recall, Aquaman has always had his hand. Did he lose it down at the old aqua-mill or something? Gotta get those aqua-union benefits. Aqua- aqua-dental, hmm. I guess this version of some weird reboot of "Aquaman" doesn't even exist anymore. LULZ. I went there...

Please, if you're an Aquaman fan and you know the reason behind this hook hand fanfiction, Step 1: Email me the reason or leave a concise comment below! Step 2: Fuck you!

So the first thing you do is swim around a bit, running into some red guy and you gotta water punch him to death. You like this? You like this scenario right here? Well, you better get USED to it! Cause that's all you're gonna be doing for the next 14 hours.

LITERALLY! All you're doing for this first level is swimming around a barren city with an interestingly low draw distance. And I guess this is supposed to be Atlantis.

You know, call me crazy. but this game is starting to bear an uncanny resemblance to another notoriously terrible, flying superhero, low draw distance game.

(Jon shows gameplay from Superman 64)

Jon (VO): Mmm, coincidence?

And apparently you're saving merman from these guys, I mean, not to be a sexist, but why merman only? I mean, there’s nothing wrong with it, it just seems weird that there's not even one mermaid in distress. Especially given the easy sex appeal factor they could’ve easily slipped in. And maybe Aquaman is trying to tell us something by wearing those tights all the time… Like that he likes tights. Hey, good hiding spot bro, they'll never find you there.

Oh, did I mention, there are invisible walls everywhere! Giant, blatant, invisible walls!

Now, these are something a lot of people complain about, but I’ve never really had a problem with. Games can’t go on forever unless it’s the sole point like in Minecraft. You gotta draw the edge somewhere. And in most games, they’re usually out of your way, or in a place that’s obviously somewhere, you shouldn’t go. But in "Aquaman", they're just fuckin' everywhere!

[WTF?!?!]

Jon (VO): There in places that look no different in any other places! Like, what? You can't do that! You can't do that! You know, it’s apparent already that this studio was either completely incompetent at everything ever, entirely indifferent to the final product of the game, or just scamming the hell out of their investors and doing quite a good job at it. Great fucking Scott!

Oh, wait a sec, I think I found it. I think they poured all their programming resources into coding his hair. Check that shit out. That is some legit GameCube underwater hair physics. Oh god, what!? I think they forgot one thing. If you swim at certain angles, you can make the poor fucker a bald spot, eeeuhghghg! Aquaman: King of Atlantis and conqueror of Rogaine. I quit. UGHHHH!

What’s this blue pants? What’s this blue pants? What’s this blue pants? I can’t get it. I can get the gold pants, but I can’t get the blue pants. And don’t even get me started on the purple pants. I don’t know what anything in this game is! Oh, but I did find out that you can call sharks and dolphins and shit to take out your opponents.

Wait, what? A-a combo list? Oh my god, look at all this! What is this, a fighting game, or a superhero action-adventure? Well, neither. But, seriously, this shit is so complex, I-I’ve been able to beat everything just by jamming on the A-button!

You see, there is this little thing in game theory called “Dominant Strategy”, it tells that if you’re given an ultimate method of disposing of obstacles in a game, you’re always going to use it!

(Jon demonstrates this by blowing up a Goomba with a nuke)

Jon (VO): Why even make this complex moves list when you can just one-button-mash your way through the game?! Did the creators think it’d be fun to pull off tedious, and might I add difficult combo strings?! No! Iss naht! So basically, what I’ve come to accept is that this game is basically Mortal Kombat, except every enemy is Sektor, and you’re underwater. Sounds good to me!! Oh, but there are other kind of levels… I mean one other kind of level.

Ever wanted to play the worst level of Star Fox 64 on the Aquaman engine, 12 times? Wazzat? You said no? You sa- wha- you said no? Well, that’s unbelievable, I don’t even see how you came to that conclusion!

Oh no, Atlantis is under attack! Oh, the hu-manatee! And the bad guys are literally just shooting at buildings, with guns. Like, 5 of them. Okay, this is not a siege on the city of Atlantis, this is a group of fucking pissed off teenagers taking out their antics on a building! I’m pretty sure this little situation right here is manageable. Why is this city even worth saving?! There’s nobody in it!

More like dread-not! Ehhehehhhh!

Ah, you know, I had some problems with this game, but you know, I think they’re really getting into their stride. Now it’s timed!

Literally, LITERALLY, this game is just the same missions over and over, with an artificial layer of tedium and game design sins plopped on top. It’s just you swimming around and fighting packs of 5 Sektor’s over and over and over and over with a timer, or a palace health bar, or bombs you have to pick up, just, Christ! Seriously, look at even how lazily they did that!

So you have to defuse this bomb here strapped to this building. So what do you do? You pick up the bomb and you blow it up on the building in the same spot, what? JUSTHAT’S- That’s the exact same thing as just letting it blow up. They didn’t even try when making this game! They didn’t even try!

Nothing is right, nothing! The controls are sloppy, the graphics make everyone look dead, Aquaman doesn’t have fucking eyes, Aquaman doesn’t have a fucking hand, things don’t make sense, the draw distance is two feet, there’s one music track that just plays forever! Besides one or two minor exceptions every level is the same exact thing! It’s just- I-I could honestly say from the bottom of my heart that this is one of the worst games I have ever played.

Just like BioShock is the spiritual successor to System Shock, Aquaman: Battle for Atlantis is the spiritual successor to Superman 64. I’m telling you, the resemblance is frightening. It almost feels like the same game. Even the way you have to pick up things awkwardly and fly ‘em around. It’s like the developers of this game looked up to Superman 64 as their role model.

Alright well, better get my golden pants on and try to finish this game. Okay, so we beat this here giant battlecruiser, which is operational. Okay, it’s going down, almost to the end of the game. He- h- he- hey Aquaman? Hooa-, I think it crashed.

(a confused looking Jon breaks into a triumphant pose as Joe Esposito’s “You’re the Best” from The Karate Kid plays)

Jon: Well, time to celebrate this occasion by playing a real game! H-P-7-P-2-P-LEGO! Uh, bre-break it down captain stingray, sting-stingray beats! Sh-Skrillex.

(end slate)