Hercules Games/Transcript

Video Here ---\/ [Text in square brackets = text not spoken but shown on screen.]

{Text in curly brackets = text both spoken and shown on screen.}

Jon: And they said Kratos was the best hero! Shish... They got it wrong, sisterrr.

(Jon's TV screen shows the Nintendo 64 version of Disney's Tarzan.)

Jon: Hercules is clearly better.

(Tarzan throws coconuts in-game.)

Jon: He even has a coconut weapon.

(Suddenly, Jaqcues enters the room, accompanied by "Arrival to Earth" from Steven Jablonsky's Transformers: The Score album.)

Jacques: Jon, I'm finally back from Vietnam. LOL.

[JACQUES IS BACK FROM WAR GUYS!]

Jon: Jacques! Come here! I wanna show you. I'm playing a game based on my favorite Greek legend, Heracles.

(Shows Disney's Tarzan main menu screen.)

Jacques: I'm glad to see nothing has changed around here.

Jon: (singing) ♫ Two worlds... one faaaamily... ♫

Jacques: Fuck this shit.

Jon: (slurred) ♫ SON OF MAN, LOOK TOOOOO THE SKY! ♫

(Jacques explodes)

Jon: Wait a second, Jacques... I've got it! (stands up) Hercules went through his 12 trials to become immortal, right? Well, I mean, I don't wanna stop playing games, or... doin' the things I love to do with you, or even makin' this show!

Jacques: Hasn't stopped you before.

Jon: I want to become immortal too, Jacques! Just like Hercules! By playin' the 12 games of Herc-- wait, what did you fuckin' just say to me?

(The shot freezes on Jon's accusatory face.)

Jon (VO): KICK IT! {LET'S START THE PARTY}!

(Explosion of flames transitions to JonTron intro.)

(Title card shows Jon as a marble statue resembling Hercules, flexing his arms and popping his pecs. Jaqcues stands off to the side preening his wings, then turns towards statue Jon with a stylized [?] before turning back around.)

Jon: Hercules!

(Ta-da sound plays.)

Jon: Greek myths have always been a fascinating subject to me. Tales of... treacherous journeys and epic voyages across the sea! Mythological beasts of old, and the very fabric of nature itself. They tell of humans... creating larger-than-life heroes and gods... in their own flawed image. No one... is safe from his or her own... hubris.

Hercules (Commodore 64)
Jon: So to make an example of my point, I'mma play a Hercules game on the Commodore 64... It's called Hercules. What a name. I g- I guess they didn't have to try back then. It was the 80s; all they had to worry about was Ronald Reagan talkin' about Gorbachev!

Jon (VO):: More like the Commodore Sixty-Bore! (chuckles) I'm just kiddin', it was actually revolutionary.

(The game's intro screen shows pixelated images representing each of the 12 Labors scroll from right to left. Super catchy game music plays in the background.)

Jon: (clicking his fingers to game music) That's what I call music.

Jon (VO): Now, you know me and everybody's favorite part of the Hercules myth was horse, sheep, lion, barn... (zooms into what seems to be the Lernaean Hydra) Uh... Not sure what this is, but it fits in. It fits in good.

(Game text is shown that describes the story of Hercules' 3rd Labor: the capture of the Ceryneian Hind.)

Jon (VO): Alright, good thing, we got some backstory here. Let's begin!

(The game begins, and not even a moment passes before the floor below Hercules turns to fire, killing him instantly. The screen then switches to game text describing Hercules' 1st Labor: killing the Nemean lion.)

Jon: (stares blankly with joystick in his hands) .......OOOOOOOOOOH!

Jon (VO): So yeah. Apparently, you die instantly if you don't start to move. I'm not fuckin' around; I'm talking like instantly! I mean, what kind of legendary reflexes do they expect people to have? I mean, a- at this point they b-- barely mastered ''Galaga! ''As soon as you die, it skips you ahead randomly to the next level or something, so you don't even have a chance to learn what you did wrong in the first place. And before you know it, it's over. What the hell is this shit?! This was so jarring to me that I had to actually go online and check if that's the way the game was supposed to be, and it's not just broken. And yeah... that's the way the game is supposed to be... Who would do this? Who would DO THIS?!

Jon (VO): It's absolutely random! It's like the 1980s version of I Wanna Be the Guy! You jump here, platform turns invisible! Fire! DEAD! You jump there, fire! Dead!

(Shows multiple shots of Jon dying in the game, ending with a scene of a car exploding from the 1995 film Casino)

Jon (VO): DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! DEAD!

Jon (VO): Hey, at least I can get the big sleep, so I don't have to play this game! And I'm not... talkin' about the Salvador Dali painting. Oh yeah, Herc. Climb those ropes. Climb those ropes, baby, so close! Almost at the exit--so close, come on!

(Jon dies)

Jon (VO): Oh, come on! I'm done with this.

Hercules: Slayer of the Damned! (Commodore 64)
Jon: Believe it or not, there's actually another Hercules-related game on the Commodore 64, It's called Hercules: Slayer of the Damned. I guess they just (snaps his fingers) couldn't get enough of that... generic 80s mythos back in the day! What, with the hot pink?!

(Shows Jon holding a cassette tape, which is apparently Hercules: Slayer of the Damned.)

Jon: Whoever heard of a game being on a cassette tape? (flicks the tape) Let's boot it up, ladies and gentlemen.

(Jon inserts the tape into a tape player and presses the play button. The player produces a loud static noise.)

[(ACTUAL NOISE IT MADE)]

(Cuts to the actual gameplay.)

Jon (VO): ....... (chuckling) Well, hi there! What are you up to today?

(A skeleton enemy slowly shuffles in.)

Jon: Pffffff... what?

Jon (VO): Well, I gotta say, there is not much to this one. You just... you just sorta beat the shit outta this guy... and then th-... there's aaaaall these things goin' on in the corners of the screen that I just... I just have no idea what the hell...

[What The Hell....]

Jon (VO): There's actually other versions of this game on consoles like the ZX Spectrum and the MSX.

(Jon knocks the skeleton enemy's skull off, causing it to stumble a bit before collapsing and falling to pieces.)

Jon (VO): Yeaaaaah!

(The first enemy fades away, but then another skeleton enemy exactly like the first one shuffles in.)

Jon (VO): (chuckles) Is that the way you're gonna pla-? [NO THANK YOU]! I'm not dancing this dance today! Or should I say, shufflin' this shuffle. {NEXT}!

Tōjin Makyō Den: Heracles no Eikō (Famicom)
Jon: As for some of the early video game industry's more interesting takes on the Hercules fable, we have... (holds up a cartridge and points at it) DFC-HE... It's a- It's a lady... (points to the title in Japanese) I dunno what that says...

Jon (VO): It's a Famicom RPG, and quite honestly, I could not tell you what the hell is goin' on in it.

[Called Glory of Heracles!]

Jon (VO): This rather unknown series is still going on today on the Nintendo DS, under the same name! Who'da thought?

Herc's Adventures (PlayStation)
Jon: So, here's a little known classic for the PS1... Herc's Adventures, and it's all thanks to--

(The audio track cuts out and is replaced with Jon narrating.)

Jon (VO): The military industrial complex.

[The military industrial compelx]

Jon (VO): (while inserting the disc) Truth be told, I don't even know where I'm gettin' all these games from.

(The main menu screen for Herc's Adventures is shown.)

Jon (VO): Now, if we're bein' strict on mythological canon here, this is actually Hercules. As you can see here, he is the Hercules of legend... Just call him Herc... It counts.

[IT COUNTS.]

Jon (VO): You can also pick from mythological characters Atlanta and Jason.... {IF YOU'RE STUPID}! I don't know who'd wanna play these two! One's a... city in Georgia, THE OTHER ONE'S A REGULAR NAME! Nah, I wanna play as Hercules!

(The gameplay for Herc's Adventures is shown.)

Jon (VO): ...that sounds just a bit too much like Dan Castellaneta.

Herc: "Don't worry... I'm Hercules!"

Jon (VO): So, it's basically just a Diablo-style beat 'em up. It's pretty cool, honestly. One of the better lesser-known games out there for the PS1. The art style's sweet, and the music sounds a near-lawsuit level similar to Star Wars...

(The game's music plays, and it does indeed sound suspiciously similar to that of Star Wars.)

[EPISODE IV

HERC'S ADVENTURES

At one point in time, the creators of Herc's Adventures decided that they did not give a shit. They were like, whatever, I like Star Wars, and so do most people, so why don't we just use the music from that and just change a few notes.

"That's genius, Arthur!" said Milton from the back of the room. The funny thing about this is that Milton had been dead for about 13 years. In fact, it is still a mystery how he knew Arthur's name given that Arthur was a recent tranfer from Montreal.]

(Shows Luke Skywalker on Tatooine gazing at the sunset as the Herc's Adventures music plays.)

Jon (VO): (gravely) How'd dat happen?

(Cuts back to the gameplay, where Zeus appears out of a bolt of lightning.)

Jon: AH! NOT YET; I'M TOO YOUNG!!

Zeus: "Ahhhh, good work so far! But you still have a long way to go. Seek out the help of my fellow gods Hera, Poseidon, Athena, and Dionysus. But be careful!

Jon: (taking notes) Oh yeah? Yeah? Yes. Yep. Gotcha. Fantastic. Unbelievable.

Zeus: "Hades has many allies. In fact, there's a couple of hundred of them just up ahead.

Jon: Couple of what of them?

Zeus: "Couple of hundred of them--

Jon: Couple of hundred of them?

Zeus: (distorted) "COUPLE OF HUNDRED OF THEM just up ahead. So, good luck!

Jon: Thank you.

Zeus: "Uhhh, I mean... good luck!" (leaps into air, leaving a lightning bolt trail behind him)

Jon: Thank you...?

Hades: (chuckles) "I shall defeat you, and then, you shall serve me in the land--

Jon: 'Scuse me, Hades! Do you think you could speak up a bit?

Hades: (softly) "You shall serve me in the land of the dead."

Jon: "You shall serve me in the land of the dead..." (whispers) That's how he talks!

Jon (VO): Everything here really shines- W- Wait, what's- What's that?

[EAT GYROS TO RESTORE HEALTH!]

(A slow, orchestral version of the JonTron theme song plays as Jon gets up)

Jon: The day has come... The news that was sent to change my life... has fallen upon me.

(music abruptly stops)

Jon: I'mma be right back.

(Jon sings over a synthpop based ballad)

Jon (singing): ♫ He's goin' to geeeet a gyrooooo... [GYRO] although it's technically pronounced ''yee-ROOOOO! [YEE-ro] Although, I still wanna call it a GYRO  'cause it sounds coolerrrrr!''~ ♫

(Cuts to half of the gyro eaten back at Jon's house)

Jon: Ughh...! My stomach!

Cameraman: Dude, are you gonna be all right?

Jon: Dude, shut uuuuu--!

Disney's Hercules (PlayStation)
Jon: Disney's Hercules! Finally... a familiar face. And, hey... this movie's always been one of my favorites, so let's see what this one has to offer.

Jon (VO): (while inserting the disc) These games just keep showin' up at my house while I'm sleeping, man!

(The game's title screen is shown. It then cuts to gameplay.)

Jon (VO): This game is actually freaking awesome! Awesome music, awesome and punchy sound effects, responsive controls, and DANNY DEVITO THAT TALKS TO YOU! [KICK IT DANNY]!

Phil: "Knock 'em! Woo-woo-woo!" [Encouragement] "Alriiiiiight! [Excitement] "Rule number 95, kid: Concentrate!" [Wisdom] "JEHCK-OO KHOOKHOO!" [???????????] "What are you doin'?! Get your sword!"

Jon (VO): [I'LL GET MY SUOOOOOORD FOR YOU, DANNY!]

Jon (VO): (beating up ragdoll with sword in-game) Well, that's... Well, that's... That... Well, that's just not right at all, I wouldn't think.

Jon (VO): The game functions on a 2D plane and largely consists of sprites. It's all very interesting and exciting, and just ''dang fun to play. ''I'd have to say, it could easily be considered a hidden gem on the PS1. I mean, come on! Just listen to Danny DeVito's conviction!

Phil: "{JEHCK-OO KHOOKHOO}!"

Jon (VO): It's- It's a thing of beauty, okay? You hear that guy? You hear the truth in that dialogue? We're all livin' in the human condition, but he is speakin' it. I mean, after something like this, it couldn't get any better, right? It's tops! We had fun! We're at ecstasy. WRONG! The Game Boy version's a piece of shit! Have a look for yourself. I'm sure it'll be an enriching experience.

Disney's Hercules (Game Boy)
(The game loads up, and the story flashes on the screen)

[HERCULES! LOOK FOR THE BONUSES IN THE TREES!]

Jon (VO): Now, listen to me. If everybody was critical about everything all the time, the world would be a dull place, so let's start with the positives. At least it gave me a milliseconds preview of the game before {SHOVIN' A HINT IN MY FUCKIN FACE}!

Jon (VO): "Hercules, look for bonuses in the trees!" What does that mean, dude? Hmmm... If there were anything to give me the goosepimples... it's probably that. Now, that's just weird! That's like startin' a game off bein' like, "Hercules! Remember the scent of Mother!" LIKE, WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE?! I'm- I'm receptive, but don't start me off like that! Ease me into this shit! Ohkhay?! [OHKHAY?] Don't just start off gung ho; don't play your f- royal flush right away! I always save a royal flush when playin' poker. Th- th- The thing is, don't play poker with me.

(The game's music plays, sound very distinctly not like that of Disney's Hercules.)

Jon (VO): Oh my God, that music. That sounds nothing like Disney's Hercules! That doesn't even sound like it could go in the special features on the DVD! It's just one of those songs that drones on and on and ON! 'Perfectly complementing the gameplay, I might add. 'And these hints just keep popping up! "Hercules, beware of fireballs."

[HERCULES! BEWARE OF THE FIREBALLS!]

Jon (VO): "{Hercules! Beware of Spite and Jealousy!}"

Jon (VO): This game is pure action. I- I'm not talkin'- This game is so much action, that if th- if there was a war to protest, this game will be there in Time Square picketing... before the feminists got there. That looks more like Luke Skywalker than Disney's fuckin' Hercules. He does some weird run if you mess around with the buttons. I don't know what it does, though. This game is an ungodly amount of hard. One fuck-up and you're dead. And back to the beginning. Lovely. I mean, come on! How do I get on this vine?! I'm inching so slowly, and I {CAN'T}... d- I CAN'T GET IT! Oh, I see. Ya gotta do this bullshit to get it. Of course. Good luck landing that! This game is clearly meant to be an acrobatic platformer, as you can see. Well, while we're here, we might as well rave about it!

(Footage of the gameplay plays with rave music in the background.)

Jon (VO): I gotta say though, It's kinda cool when he swings his sword... Feels like there's some real weight to it.

Hercules 2 (Sega Genesis)
Jon (VO): Now, that would be all there is to say about the Disney Hercules games, but there's one last strange addition to this collection. Hercules 2 for the Sega Genesis? Okay, that's right. There's a pirated version of the PS1 edition for the Sega Genesis. Called... Hercules... 2. That sure makes a lot of sense.

(Cuts to a kid playing Call of Duty)

Kid: WHAT?! YOU DIDN'T EVEN ADVI-- OH MY GOD!!!

Jon (VO): Where was Hercules 1 exactly? Someone fill me in on this?

(A snapping sound plays from the game.)

Jon (VO): Also, what's with the snapping? Did you mean to use this sound effect, guys?

(A ringing sound plays.)

Jon (VO): This game is really odd. It uses a lot of the same sound bites, just incredibly bit-crushed.

(Hercules winds up his punches while whaling on a dummy before it explodes, leaving nothing but the head. Footage of Hercules slicing the rest of the dummies apart and swiping at bats with his sword is shown sped up.)

[GAMEPLAY!]

Jon (VO): Yeah, no. I'm not gonna... I'm not gonna do this. Hercules does what Nintendercules.

(HERCULES DOES WHAT NINTENDERCULES)

(A car crashes into the text and a picture of the Sega Genesis cartridge, exploding on contact.)

Hercules: The Legendary Journeys (Nintendo 64)
Jon: Alright, last on our list! Hercules: The Legendary Journeys.

Jon (VO): You know, like the TV show. With Arnold Schwarzenegger. Or whoever the fuck that was. Fabio? Albert Pacino? Fonzie? The fact that there's a game of this verifies that someone out there hates me.

Jon (VO): Hercules, TV edition!

(The file select menu is shown, and the music that plays in it is... something.)

Jon (VO): God, this menu music makes me feel like I'm about to embark on an educational adventure or something. I'm not knocking that. 'Cause I wanna do that. [CAUSE I WANNA DO THAT.] So I hope that's what's going to happen.

Jon (VO): (imitating Carl Sagan) The brain is made up of billions and billions of neurons.

Jon (VO): "Stay a while, friend, and I will tell you an epic tale." Yes, Hmm, I'm buying it. Clearly, that is the gait... of a man who has an epic tale to TELL. [TO TELL]

Jon (VO): Okay, blah blah. Blah blah! Okay, the- probably something about Dracula or werewolves. ''Let's, uh, do this hoopderscotch! ''[UH DO DIS HOOPDERSCOTCH]

Jon (VO): "Good morning, Hercules! It is time to train! Follow me outside so that we may begin." I don't feel like I... I don't feel like I'm bein' treated appropriately here. Hmmmm... there's somethin' about this game that seems eerily familiar, isn't it? (sarcastically) But I can't put my finger on it. Hmmm. What is it? The blue action button? The chicken cooing?

(A chicken coos.)

Jon (VO): That forest-like and cozy openin'? That t- holy shit! [HOLY SHIT] Teleportin' CENTAUR! Shoulda called it "The Legend of Hercules: Ocarina of Time," if you {CATCH MY COLD}!

Jon: (sneezes)

Jon (VO): Seriously, this game's introduction is nearly identical to Ocarina of Time. It's like they just want to get my Pavlovian goin'. My Pavlov. [MY PAVLOV]

Jon (VO): (while Hercules stares intently at a crate) ...Hey, I'm sold. [HEY, I'M SOLD.]

Jon (VO): "I need you to clear these rocks out of this field for me, Hercules."

Jon: Riveting.

Jon (VO): I mean, honestly. You get the deadliest and strongest demigod on the planet, and THIS is what you use him for. This is his best application? {Well, I mean, yeah....} Who else could pick up rocks that big? Your sister? Sister can't do it. Y'know, as far as a licensed game with an IP this mundane, it's really not that bad. Kind of impressive in scale. Although, ultimately, it's nothing I'd write home about.

(Cuts to a segment of the game where Hercules is pummeled relentlessly by wolf skeletons.)

[Except for this part...]

Jon (VO): But let's be honest. Bring down the mic! Best thing about this game, is the over powered-ass PAUSE SOUND!

(The pause menu opens, and the sound clip that plays in it is glorious.)

[PAUSE FX]

Hercules: The Legendary Journeys (Game Boy Color)
Jon: Actually, there's also a Game Boy version of this one. Let's have a look at it.

(Jon reaches offscreen and grabs the game's cover art, stretching and snapping it onto the screen.)

Jon: That's the box art...? I don't think that's Kevin Sorbo at all.

(The Titus Interactive logo is shown, accompanied by loud, ear-splitting "music".)

Jon: (in pain) Ah... Ah... Ahhh...!

Jacques: Owowowowowowowow-- (violently explodes)

(The game's title screen is shown.)

Jon (VO): So, the first thing you'll notice about this magnificent work of art is the score. Or should I say, the knives runnin' up and down rusty garbage bins. {That's probably closer...} ''This hurts my ears so bad! It needs to stop!''

[HLPME]

Jon (VO): It's like a mix between a fever dream and the Insane Clown Posse!

Jon (VO): Oh, man! Looks like Hercules has been eatin' one too many ambrosias! (awkwardly chuckles) Y'know what I'm sayin'? His walk cycle is amazing. I can't get enough of it. He looks like Eric Cartman tryin' to cut a jig.

(Jon dances around trying to impersonate Hercules' walk cycle.)

Jon (VO): Unlike the N64 version, this one's more like an RPG. It makes this annoying sound every time you talk to someone.

(Pixelated beeping sounds play that sound like they're out of a 1980's computer.)

Jon (VO): Like the world is comin' to an end or somethin'!

Jon (VO): "I only speak to sailors." Well, if that's the case, you're probably gonna be pretty much limiting yourself to port towns, honestly. And even then, [And EVEN then...] they're out to sea most of the time... Why aren't you on a boat? [Why aren't you on a BOAT?] A boat would really be a better fit for you! [A BOAT WOULD REALLY BE A BETTER FIT] Also, what the fu- who says that?! The fisherman also only talks to sailors. Okay, well, I mean, at least that one makes some sense. The stroller also... only talks to sailors. Okay, first of all, what kind of an occupation is stroller? What kind of town is this?! How did anyone even learn speech if everyone talks to sailors and there ain't no SAILORS {'ROUND TOWN??!?} Well... I guess if bein' a sailor is what it takes to be validated around here, I might as well take to the streets and give it my all.

(Hercules falls into the water and drowns instantly to the tune of the 1981 Donkey Kong intro music.)

Jon: (laughing) Oh my God! He... He didn't stand a chance.

Jon (VO): Poor hunk of a bastard sunk like a brick!

Jon (VO): Huh. Well, this sweet old lady looks kind enough. Maybe I'll finally get a hint about what to do around here. "Don't stay here, I might hurt you." Lady, you gotta work on that anger. I'm sorry to have imposed on you, madam! Good thing we're not in Florida, or this may have really turned ugly!

Jon (VO): "Leave me alone, can't you see that I am busy." Oh, don't you worry, Eury! It's plain for all to see! Also, I think it's prudent to point out that it's actually Mr. Eurydice who's the busy one. Busy, busy, busy. He can't even be bothered to clean up the dead CAT, he's so preoccupied! The cat's dead, dude; you can't just leave somethin' like this hangin' around. Gotta step up. Gotta be a man! Get rid of this! Put it in the trash! You can't be shirkin' responsibility! Now, I've played a lot of RPGs in my day, and I gotta say, hands down, this one has to have the most standoffish NPCs ever! I don't think even one of these people is happy to see you. They might as well not be there at all! Hey, guys! I don't think you should be so rude to Hercules! He's the son of ZEUS! [ZUES] Also, he can kill you real easily. I think that's the main thing... Alright, welp, if I can't find any help outside, maybe I'll find some help inside.

Jon (VO): "Get out of our home."

Jon: (chuckles and facepalms) Well, yeah! I mean, I... I suppose that's right. I think anything from that would be deviating from the norm.

(Jon tosses the controller away while throwing his arms up into the air defeated. He then gets a bottle of pills and downs its contents. After that, he gets a bottle of vodka and downs that, appearing passed out on his couch afterwards.)

Jon (internal voice): I didn't really wanna become immortal that much anyways... It's too much hard work. You gotta keep watchin' people goin' in and out of the White House for the rest of time. No thanks... Samuel!

[Dear Kids: Please don't kill yourselves then sue me.]

[POOP]

Outro
Jon (VO): Hey, guys. Thanks for stickin' with me! If you wanna follow me on Twitter, you can click that. There's more where that came from, so stick around! (slurred) Or just... make fun of me in the comments like you always do! "It's, uh... It's gonna be another year before it's another JonTron!" (normal) I have to eat Chipotle a lot! It takes up a lot of my time. Don't you get it...? Y- You g- s- This is past you. This is above- I'm a-... wavin' my h- hand above y- my HEAD!