User:Samdawghomie

Fuck it! I ain't above punchin' rats! YEAAAHHH!!!

Japanese Shoot 'Em Ups - Script
The Japanese make some crazy shit. And but what can you expect? They lived isolated on an island for like, what, thousands of years? Your brain's bound to make up some weird stuff.

At one time I saw Tom Hanks was living on an island, he became best friends with a ball. A BALL! And he was only there for like a couple of years! Can you imagine how many tentacles this ball would've had coming out if you gave him a couple more decades on that island?

But no where was this craziness better exemplified than the Japanese Shoot 'Em up genre. To them this meant no holds barred. You could make a game about an artichoke that shoots SCUD missiles and it'd probably sell. In fact I think that exists, I think I have that. It's, it's a platinum seller. Ah the memories with this one, I still have nightmares.

Well you got your classics like Galaxian and Galaga, the mothers of all modern shootem-ups. You got your arcade favorites like Raiden, TwinBee, R-Type, and Gradius. Then there are the ones that are a little more out there like Space Harrier, or Parodius.

Now most of them at least make some sense, but those aren't the ones we're talking about today. We're gonna look at some of the weirder games this genre has to offer.

Let's start with Fantasy Zone. A classic example of a sub-genre known as 'Cute-Em Ups'. Your objective is to destroy flowers and pollen and I dunno bugs and stuff. They're all really cute and it makes me feel bad because maybe I'm really the bad guy? This one stands out 'cause you can travel in both directions, which was a pretty significant deviation from the normal side-scrolling or vertical-scrolling shooter back then.

You bounce back and forth and blow up enemies to collect coins. Classic! You buy powerups for your ship, fight a boss and advance to the next level. What's interesting here is that it's structured like an iPhone game, or a flash game. And we all know how popular those kinds of games have become in recent years, so popular the market is saturated to the brim.

Thirty years worth of foresight. Damn SEGA, wanna use that, some of that nowadays, some of that, some of that on this?

[Sonic Boom television show screenshot appears on screen]

Fuck's goin' on with y'all?

The ship in this game, adorably named Opa-Opa has actually been considered on of SEGA's first mascot characters. Wow! To think this guys up there with the likes of Alex the Kid, Sonic the Hedgehog, and Billy the Sex Offender. What did, did you forget about that guy? Well I didn't. I'll never forget SEGA.

HEY, WHOA! Uh, maybe take some Pepto Bismol before you come into work, geez. Spittin' peas all over the dang place.

Next up is a game called Panorama Cotton a game about, you know. COTTON! I guess, uh and uh panara- uh panoramic pictures, those are nice.

Let me tell ya the story here is one for the ages. Like uh, ooh, alright, what's that? Yeah... Okay, yeah, alright, I'm into it.

[Lady with large breasts appears on screen]

OH now that's what I'm talking about! Alright that's all the motivation I need let's get this show on the road.

<p style="font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">[A cutscene with flashing lights and random pictures appears on screen]

<p style="font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">Man I don't know exactly what but some shit is going down right now.

<p style="font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay alright that's good, I think i know where i am again now. Oop wait no, I was wrong, still absolutely confused. This game is kinda like Space Harrier actually, and surprisingly it's pretty fun to play. It feels good to move, speed up, slow down, and grab the power ups.

<p style="font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">[QUEEEEEEEEEF]

<p style="font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">Oh now that was just inappropriate. <p style="font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">Alright what's next on the bill. Uh, lets' see, Harmful Park, High-Brow Gag and Pure Shooting. I'm mean, sho- should I be holding this? Can I show this on this show? This is fucked up dude. <p style="font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">High-Brow Gag & Pure Shooting. Sounds like we're talking about an aristocratic serial killer, what is that supposed mean? <p style="font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">Oh okay. Harmful Park refers to the fact that we are literally in a theme park that is dangerous. As in it is filled with enemies that will harm you. <p style="font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">OH I get it now, it's like my other favorite game, True Sword & Lots Magic: Adventure Boy. <p style="font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">Bizzare nomenclature aside, this game is amazing. I mean, it is simply one of the best shoot em ups i have played, and i had never heard of it up until now. You got weapons like pie, which is throwing pies. Ice, okay that's totally ice we're looking at. Potato, and um Jerry? JERRY? JON'S GETTING UPSET. I'm willing to take a guess they meant jelly, as in jelly beans. Because that's what it looks like you're shooting. <p style="font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">Oh my god. <p style="font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">Well this guys got a cat living in his head, that might explain the whole anger thing there. <p style="font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">[Gasp] <p style="font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">That Frankenstein just flipped me the double bird, and then lasers came out. Two can play at that game! <p style="font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">[Jon holds up Cinnamon and Jacques, and they shoot lasers out of their eyes] <p style="font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">Now i'm gonna wager the only harmful thing in this park is me. You know, the lady shootin' lasers at everything? <p style="font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">Next up is a game called Keio Flying Squadron for Sega CD. At least this one has a somewhat normal name. <p style="font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">Narrator: In the eigth year of the keio era, japan neared the end of its fuedal period, the shogunate facing an uprising by the anit government movement, asked France for military help to suppress the rebellion. As the french were unwilling to assist, the gov't turned to the American delegation that was visiting at the time to negotiate the Japan-US peace treaty. You see, America was known as the country which had established a unique scientific technology... <p style="font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">Jon: Uh, is that gonna be on the test? <p style="font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">Jon: Oh I get it now history science! <p style="font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">[HISTORY SCIENCE] <p style="font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">this game is great too honestly, it plays well just like harmful park. the animations are really smooth and it's got that whole Japanese mythological style going on. But it's uh, it's a bit overshadows by the uh. <p style="font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">In Game: HYPER CUTIE BUNNY CHANGE!! <p style="font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">Jon: I'm scared, i'm moving on. <p style="font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">When I set out to make this episode there were two specific games in mind i wanted to play. Two that really stood above the rest. The first one, zombie nation. I think this is going to be a treat just based on the cover. <p style="font-size:16px;line-height:26px;"> <p style="font-size:16px;line-height:26px;"> <p style="font-size:16px;line-height:26px;"> <p style="font-size:16px;line-height:26px;"> <p style="font-size:16px;line-height:26px;"> <p style="font-size:16px;line-height:26px;">