King's Quest V + Mailmen/Transcript

Video Here ---\/ [Text in brackets = text not spoken but shown on screen]

Jon: Hey, Jacques.

Jacques: What's up, Jon?

Jon: Shut up!

Jacques: Hi.

Jon: I'm gonna come over there. I'm coming! I'll come.

Remember when your computer looked like this and your screen looked like this? Ah, those wondrous and youthful days of gaming. Almost puts a tear right in my eye. Ah, ah.

Jacques: Are you trying to cry?

Jon: I gotta put on a good scene for the audience. I gotta put on a good show.

Jon (VO): It's hard to imagine that there was a time not so long ago when you couldn't bring up gameplay footage of any given game at any given time. I like to call this era "The Age of Mystery". Nowadays, if you're having trouble beating a game you're just like, "Eh, fuck it. Go on GameFAQs! Pick the one with the most ampersands and hashtags in it. Look, they made that logo out of bells and whistles! How could they possibly be wrong?"

Man, back then, it was a whole different story. If you didn't beat a game, that's it! Sorry, buddy. You're done for. Coupled with the fact that many of us still had our child-like minds when we played these games. The stakes were just built up so much higher. What's in that magical forest beyond the wall? Well, you'll never find out unless you BEAT THE GAME!

Jon: And at creating this vast feeling of adventure, no game even came close to Kings Quest...5. I chose that one because I like it. I have all of them, but I chose that one because I like it. I mean you can leave a complaint in the complaint box, BUT I DON'T CHECK THAT SHIT! (Wear sunglasses)

Jon (VO): "Kings Quest V: Absence Makes the Heart Go Yonder". How dare you say that to me. So, the game starts out with a wizard literally stealing a castle by using his magic. No, that is literally word for word how it begins. That is the beginning of the game. Well, the king of said castle appears to be blissfully unaware of the event, seeing as he's just, uh, picking flowers. Moseying along. Just taking his time. Just taking his SWEET TIME! Can you please, um, I have a place to be. So after about 3 or 4 centuries of sauntering, our hero meets face to face with the unfortunate news. He's like "What?!"

Graham: What has happened?

Jon (VO): I do not know, fine sir.

Cedric: Ooo, I know what happened to your castle. I saw it all, yes I did.

Graham: You did? Well then, what happened?

Jon (VO): Yeah, what? So, hoots here explains to you that it was the work of the evil wizard, Mordack, that caused King Graham's castle to vanish. Oh, that's King Graham, by the way. And that you should go back with him to the land of the MacGuffins. Now that sounds all good and fine except...

Cedric: Woo! Woohoo!

Jon (VO): Uh, Lord Graham, I know that you're really into standing there and having everyone admire your pecs, but, you know, you could look slightly interested in the fact that an owl just ate shit in front of you! That's okay. I'm sure you make up for your lack of personality with your pecs. So then the owl, oh, by the way, that's Cedric the owl, sprinkles some dust on you and tells you it'll make you fly.

Graham: What is that stuff?

Cedric: Ooo, just some old leftover fairy dust I've been carrying around.

Jon (VO): Is that what the kids are calling it nowadays? I mean the 90s... 'cause this game was made in the 90s...so I can't use that joke.

Cedric: Come on! Up here!

Jon (VO): Ha ha ha! Yes. Yes indeed. As gracefully as the beautiful black swan. How could it be possible to be so stupid and so magical all at the same time? Surely, we will never know. I mean have you goddamn seen this guy?

Cedric: Here! Come on!

Graham: Okay! Here I come!

Jon (VO): Oh my god, Graham, you're going down!

Pilot: Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! 9015! I'm in trouble! Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!

Cedric: Ooo, looks like the fairy dust just wore off.

Jon (VO): Oh, yeah! It's real funny, ain't it?! HA HA HA! I almost just died, you piece of shit! Fuckin' owl, you suck!

[A door slams]

Jon (VO): We then meet a wizard named- I don't give a fuck. He takes you into his shack and then presumably does horrible things to you.

Graham: What is that?

Crispin: That's an old piece of magical white snake, that's an old piece of magical white snake, magical white snake, magical white snake, white snake, white snake, snananananana-

Whitesnake: Here I go again on my own!

Jon (VO): I think I see a theme here. Naw, I really think I do. Let me just go ahead and use my patented Tron-Bunk kit real quick to sort this out. Yeah. Yes, I see. Oh, that's righteous, that's good. Ah, there it is. It's clear now, I've got it.

Jon:  Everybody moves fuckin' slow! Everybody moves really fuckin' slow!

Jon (VO): I remember this game being one of the very first I've played that had a true atmosphere to it. The birds chirping, the ambiance, it all brings back good memories. Yeah, by the way, speaking of slow. You gotta crank King Graham's speed if you wanna beat this game inside of the next century.

Cedric: Graham, watch out! A poisonous snake!

Jon (VO): Yeah, okay, yeah. Let's talk about this. Imma need you to never speak again, please. Is that- is- are we clear? Are we clear on that? I don't need a owl telling me what to do anyway- Ohhhhh, the owl was right. This game's just got so much polish. Every clickable key point has full narration to it and I think, just between you and me, that it might be Wilford Brimley.

Narrator: Cedric is too busy looking around, and doesn't seem to be paying any attention to Graham at the moment.

Jon (VO): That there is a Wilford Brimley impression, my pancreas doesn't work.

[ORIGINAL JOKE]

Cedric: Yes, you are going into town. I'll just wait for you here.

Jon (VO): Okay, sh- okay, okay, shut up! Shut up! Stop!

Cedric: I had a nasty run-in with a big dog once, and I feel much safer out here.

Jon (VO): Oh, yeah? Well, why don't I go find that dog and ask him to come back here. Es-scare you...again... Egh-

Jon (VO): That's it! I'm out! I'm going no one can ever hurt me again.

Cedric: No, Graham, don't!

Jon (VO): I have to admit, these are some of the funniest parts in the entire game. Just the multitudinous ways in which our hero can, how you say, bite the dust. Heh heh heh.

[OH THAT'S FRESH!]

Jon (VO): My god, he's a walking danger zone!

Narrator: Too bad, it looks like the eyes have it.

Graham: AAAAAAAH!

[O_O]

Jon (VO): Everything wants his head on a silver platter. The snake, the river, the desert, bandits, middle-eastern nomads, greed! Greed itself wants King Graham.

Narrator: Cheer up, Graham. At least you can practice your game of tiddlywinks.

Jon (VO): Hey, fuck you, man.

Hilariously enough, even as morbid as some of these deaths are, the narrator finds it in himself to recite a pun about each one of them.

Narrator: Dying for a drink, Graham?

Jon (VO): Well...

Narrator: He who speaks with forked tongues should never be trusted.

Jon (VO): Blatant racism.

Narrator: Never trust a bad guy, Graham.

Jon (VO): Oh, now that's some insight. You. You got a gift. You're a funny man narrator.

Look, I don't even care, let's go see what the bear has to say.

Jon : *chuckle* What the f- Oh. Okay.

Jon (VO): Look, there's no beating around the bush here. That bear just straight up decked me in the face. Just look at his stance! He's got the eyes of Muhammad Ali... and a butt of Bea Arthur.

I don't really know where to go in this game. I remember as a kid it was like, "Oh, hey, look! I found a fish! Do you want the fish? Do you want the fish?"

Pie Maker: Just one silver coin each, but take your time.

Jon (VO): Well, maybe if you weren't so picky all the time, you could sell a goddamn pie once in a while! I'm taking my business to the shoe place that's out of shoes.

Shoe Maker: But we don't have any shoes to sell you right now.

Jon (VO): I'm sorry, is it Christmas in here? I can't tell.

I don't know, uh, what the fuck to do. Okay, look at me. Do I look like somebody who would know what the fuck to do? I just wanna remind you, you're looking at the guy who gave up on level 2 of Monster Bash.

Jon: Phew, this is hard work. I think you all know what time it is.

[Jon types some code onto his computer, and brings up GameFAQs]

Jon (VO): I did it.

[THE END - Your score: 260 out of 260 possible.]

Jon (VO): Look at my pecs, I'm King Graham, do I look like I give a fuck?

Subsequently, as an addendum to that, uh, do I look at all like a king? No...Not really, no. More like a mailman. King's Quest V: 2 Day Shipping's Extra.