Home Alone Games/Transcript

Video Here ---\/ [Text in brackets = text not spoken but shown on screen]

Jon: Hey, guys. Quick announcement before you watch the video. This Home Alone video's going up a little bit earlier than it would. I know it's a bit weird 'cause we just launched the site, but due to some odd circumstances the next two JonTron videos are gonna go to YouTube and Normal Boots at the same time. But when it gets to March again, it's Normal Boots exclusive. So for now...!

(Festive intro)

(Title card shows Jon recreating Home Alone cover art with Jaqcues and Rockington peeking out from either side of the window behind him)

(Fades to a Yule log program playing on Jon's television which also sports a red bow on top; cuts to another television with two red bows on it, one on either top corner; then to Jon's plush dolls of Fletchling from Pokémon and Grandpa Lemon from Annoying Orange sitting on the top of the couch amidst Christmas lighting; pans up towards Jon's massive red Christmas stocking labeled "JON" on the wall as well as Jaqcues' puny little sock labeled "BIRD". Finally, we see Jon taking an egg out of a carton, cracking it on a martini glass full of eggnog and pouring the egg's contents into the glass. The shell is then placed on the glass's rim like a lemon wedge.)

Jon: (lifts glass and smells it) Mmm... Nothin' like the smell of 'nog on Christmas Eve, eh, Jacques?

Jacques: That's racist.

Jon: This year, I'm gettin' nuts. Every other year, I play it safe. Not this year. I'm gettin' nuts.

Jacques: Hell yeah, boi. Let's do this. Time to get nuts.

Jon: You feel me? You feelin' me on this?

(Jacques literally opens a peanut and eats it... or at least attempts to.)

Jon: ...Y'know, it never really struck me before, but I'm startin' to think there might be a pretty big species divide between you and I. Uh, very, very different interpretations on what "getting nuts" means. Now, some grandmothers are known to be on the same level, gettin' a roasted nut or two for the holidays. But this raw shit... that's nuts.

Jacques: (drops his peanut) Oopsie.

Jon: Ya like nuts, Jacques? I'll show you how to cook up a nut.

(Jon grabs a container of nuts from his cupboard, slams them into a pan, cracks two eggs on the pan's edge and mixes the contents into the nuts, then adds a literal cough of cinnamon. The burner then flares to life.)

Jon: You smell that? It's pure. It's ''Christmas spirit! ''♫ I see friends shakin'-- ♫

(The nuts pop, startling Jon.)

Jon: J- Jesus! Uh- ♫ Singin', howdy do-- ♫

(The nuts pop again.)

Jon: FUCK!

(Toxic green smoke starts emanating from the nuts.)

Jon: (smells the toxins) You smell that? It smells like the Hamptons in January! (laughs in delirium) Fresh fish comin' fresh off the waaaaater...

(Jon's laugh gets slower and more delirious as a skull appears in the nuts' toxic gas.)

Jon (deep tone): (drops the pan) You won't miss me when I'mmmm gooooone...

(Cuts to a neo-psychedelic sequence filmed from Jon's POV, where he stumbles around the house, reaches for Jaqcues' stocking but ripping his own from the wall, goes to his calendar and unsteadily marks off December 24th, then finally flops into bed as the screen cuts to black.)

Jon: (gasps as he wakes up) Oh! (wipes spit off his face) Ugh! (sits up and gasps) It's Christmas!

(Quick zoom on Jon's calendar where he marked it before)

Jon: (enters kitchen) Come on, Jacques. We got Christmas to do.

(Jacques appears to be nothing but a skeleton)

Jon: You doin', uh... you doin' alright there? You look, uh... yeah, you loo- You look a little different.

(The nuts, still on the stove, pop again.)

Jon: AH! What is it with these FUCKING NUTS?!!

(The ghost of Macaulay Culkin rises from the pan.)

Jon: Macaulay? Is that you?

Macaulay: That's me! I'm here to tell you it's not too late! You still have a chance!

Jon: Jesus! What happened to your face?! You doin' alright?

Macaulay: I'm dead!

Jon: I mean, honestly, seein' you in interviews, you seem like a great guy. You just got a bit of a corpse face.

Macaulay: Jon, it's January 25th! You slept for a month! You slept through Christmas, and starved your bird out!

Jon: Alright, Kronos. If I'm expected to believe it's January 25th, then why does my calendar say it's December 25th? Anno Domini, Year of Our Lord, bitch!

(Jon kicks the bottom of the stove, causing the calendar page to fall down, revealing that it is indeed January 25th)

Jon: Uh-oh.

Macaulay: By the way, I'm trying to help you here! I'm gonna go ahead and ignore how hurtful that last statement was about the corpse face, and help you undo this thing. I shouldn't help... I shouldn't. But I'm gonna; I'm a good person! I didn't do that much drugs! And my dad stole my money! The only way to bring your dead friend back, is to find a good game from the Home Alone franchise. Which is- there's a lot of 'em, so good luck. I need it. Please help me now. I got a couple-two-tree pokies on me and a few late car payments. (Holds up a car bill) Find the game, please. (tosses Jon the NES Home Alone cartridge) Start your search for answers here.

Jon: (holds up the cartridge) Home Alone 1 on the NES? You know how many hours of my life you wasted with th--?!

(Macaulay's ghost is gone)

Overview
Jon (VO): Home Alone, a franchise based entirely off this face.

Jon: (Holds the DVD case for Home Alone 1) See, this one's a classic. they knew what they were doin'. First one's got the face.

Jon (VO): Second one got away from the face. Y- you can't get away from the face. Third one didn't have the face, and that's why Jonathan Taylor Thomas or whoever the fuck this is didn't have such a good time. Around number four, they realized what they were doin' wrong. They got the face back, got the face goin', ratings skyrocketed, but see, the problem with this one, they got Ernest in this one. I mean, w- what are they t- what are they tryin' to do, bring him back from the dead? That's disrespectful.

[R.I.P. ERNEST YOU WILL NOT BE DISRESPECTED]

Jon: (holds the DVD case for Home Alone: The Holiday Heist) Five, though, oh... that's- this one, it's a classic one. The Holiday Heist. Now, look at that. Look at that face. (kisses the case)

Jon (VO): It's BYOUTIFUL!

Jon: (blows kisses) This one's for The Criterion Collection! They even got Malcolm McDowell! I'm sure they walked up to him, they didn't even have to do any explaining. He said, "I- I- I'm Malcolm McDowell, I- I've worked with the greatest; I've worked with Kubrick, I've been in Clockwork Orange... Get the fuck out of my house, you ask me if I'd do Holiday Heist, you wou- Would you ask me, 'Do you want the best caviar on the planet?!' You don't ask a man a question like that! Get the fuck out of my mansion."

Jon (VO): The later Home Alone films were just cash-ins on the series, but the first two were actually really good films. They were written by John Hughes, directed by Chris Columbus--who would go on to make the first two Harry Potter films, hilariously; the guy only goes in twos--and the music was composed by the one and only John Williams!

Jon: So naturally, they made a bunch of games to capitalize on the hype. Do any of them stand to capture the... childlike and whimsical essence of the films? Let's find out, because apparently that's the first step to gettin' my bird back according to the actor of the titular films, Macaulay Culkin. (softly) Where is that pasty-ass Skeletor motherfucker? Is he getting his ectoplasm on my toothbrush? I swear to fuckin' God...

Home Alone (1991; NES version)
Jon (VO): Let's take a look at Home Alone 1 for the NES first.

(The game's opening credits are shown.)

Jon (VO): What? This game is made by Bethesda? Like... Skyrim Bethesda??

(Shows the Wikipedia page on a list of Bethesda's games, zooming in on this game and highlighting it.)

Jon (VO): Yeah, it actually is! The same Bethesda that made Skyrim and Fallout 3 made Home Alone 1 for the NES. Weird...

[WEIRD...]

Jon (VO): In this game, unsurprisingly, you play as Kevin. And, uh... you wander around your house without parents, I guess. I mean, c'mon, you gotta give them some credit; that's pretty true to the film's core message. Ah! Look at this, they got people walkin' by! I didn't know they had AI street tech in the 19- 'OH JESUS, HE'S IN MY HOUSE! 'Okay, so that's terrifying! In the movies, the villains are in it for the valuables, but here they seem to be only interested in Kevin... Where's Chris Hansen and that suspiciously benign plate of cookies when you need him?

(Cuts to a short clip from the To Catch A Predator episode, "Michael Willis")

Michael Willis: You know what? I don't want this cookie. I just wanna get to the beach.

Chris Hansen: Come here- just one second!

(Cuts back to the gameplay, where Kevin is captured, cutting to the game over screen which just says "Oh no!")

Jon (VO):  Ah. Yeah. Tha- That's just- that's just about right... That's appropriate. A boy is captured and will likely be found dead in the coming weeks, and all you got is "Oh no"... It's good, it's got a good message.

(A newspaper appears with horrifying music playing, with the headline reading "BOY FOUND IN SHALLOW GRAVE" and the picture being the same "Oh no!" game over screen)

Jon (VO): So the point of the game--and I'm bein' generous here with that statement--seems to be walk around, pick up random objects, and place them as traps to halt the kidnappers. (chuckling) I can barely tell what's goin' on in this game! We got stuff like spider, toy car... what's this? Potato? Did I just pick up a fucking potato to stop robbers? Oh, well, there's the light bulb for it, at least! !hat's good! Now I can knock 'em out with my impressive SCIENCE skills! BRINKS NEW HOME POTATO SECURITY!

[BRINKS NEW HOME POTATO SECURITY]

Jon (VO): Are those... Are those nails?? E- d- w- d- Why can't I pick these up?! There are real robbers in my house; there are real hardened criminals in my house and about! I'm pretty sure nails would be infinitely more useful than potato.

(Kevin's sprite does a moonwalk.)

Jon (VO): Hmm. I see Michael Jackson made such a big impact on Macaulay Culkin, they put the moonwalk in the game. (chuckles nervously from the implication)

Jon (VO): Let's grab the spider, 'cause, y'know, that's not completely terrifying or anything.

(a man approaches Kevin's sprite)

Jon (VO): Oh shit, put it down, put it down, PUT IT DOWN--!

(Kevin puts the spider down, trapping the robber as he walks into it.)

Jon (VO): (laughing) Oh, yeah!

(Kevin's sprite does the moonwalk again)

Jon: Did I just trip up that robber, with a spider, and then do a moonwalk? (tosses controller away) That's it! This is the best game ever! CUE THE SONG AND DANCE!

(Jon pops open a beer bottle which then spurts out a rainbow, and then the entire screen is filled with rainbows as Jon drinks from the bottle and Kevin's sprite dances to the chiptune dance music plays in the background.)

Jon (VO): Okay, even though this is clearly just, mm, ah, one of the most sublime games ever created, I'm gonna go ahead and try to nitpick a bit. I think I'll start with WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH ANYTHING?! The perspective is completely bonkers! What's going on? What's this? What am I standing on? Is that my house? Is- is that another house across the street or is that a subterranean lair?

Jon: Home Alone? W-... Well, this is more akin to a Mobius strip!

Jon (VO): It's like a Klein bottle up in here. (chuckling) You better, uh, fill it up with hot tar, pour it on those pesky intruders!

Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992; NES version)
Jon: If that wasn't enough for you and your entire lineage, (holds up the cartridge for Home Alone 2: Lost In New York for NES) they also made Home Alone 2: Lost In New York.

(Swirling 8 bit music plays)

Jon (VO): This music's givin' me a fever dream of Macaulay Culkin's goddamn gremlin head. (Macaulay's gremlin head appears) AH! Get it outta here!

[IN MEMORY OF TOM HEIDT]

Jon (VO): "In Memory of Tom Heidt." Poor bastard... The last thing this guy worked on in his life, aaaall the things he did, just funneled down to Home Alone 2 on the NES. For his sake, I hope it's better than Home Alone 1.

(Shows cutscene of the concierge Mr. Hector on the phone... allegedly, as the pixelated art style makes it hard to decipher who the figure is.)

Jon (VO): I guess this is supposed to be Tim Curry's character, given that he plays the concierge that's after Kevin in the movie. Hmm, Tim, you been eating your vegetables? You don't look yourself...

(Shows a comparison between the cutscene sprite and the actual character)

Jon (VO): Literally. [At all.]

Jon (VO): So right off the bat, this game's a lot better than the last one. Take that for what you will. At least you're just dealing with left and right. (A math equation fades in) No theoretical physics in this version. But that doesn't mean they put much thought into it. As you can see, they've gone into painstaking detail to recreate Kevin McCallister's signature goiter hump. You can almost smell the ointment!

Jon: I dunno, waddya put on goiter? SAAAAAALVE?! (silence) (begins rubbing arm) SAAAA--

Jon (VO): Well, let's not forget the real star of the show: the fact that you can pull this shit!

(Kevin's sprite slides on his knees)

Jon (VO): [YEEAAAAAAAAAAH]! Pete Townshend! Risky Business! End of Platoon! (silence) Risky Business again!

Jon (VO): This game is goddamn madness. Everything wants to kill you just for the street cred. Possessed luggage, Frankenstein's monster, bloody mops! Even HHWITCHES! Who's running this hotel? The Aaaaaaddams family? Let me tell ya, in my experience, there are only two kind of old ladies can move like that: retired Russian Olympians and HHWITCHES!

Jon: You see that right there?! That's a parabola. Now, only a witch can pull of a parabola of this nature.

Jon (VO): I think this establishment's got bigger problems on its hands than Kevin McCallister running around with a fake credit card. The main point of this game seems to be to make a mad dash to the end of the level. But when you get there, the elevator doors are closed. I dunno what to do. You can get these, uh, what appear to be a necklace of pearls. I guess we might as well try to take out some of the enemies with it. Maybe that'll lead us in the right direction.

(Kevin drops the pearls in front of an old lady.)

Jon (VO): Bam!

(The old lady doesn't even remotely step on the pearls.)

Jon (VO): Ah, well, okay. That didn't do anything. 'Kay, I guess it's more of a trap than a projectile... Gotta use the ol' McCallister wits here. Come here, Chubby Checker! Time to do the Twist!

(Kevin drops the pearls, and the NPC just walks over them to zero effect. This scene is played again, overlaid with sad music.)

Jon (VO): He just walked right over my beads like it was nothing. Yeah, I hate this game. (sadly) It doesn't even let me have fun when I try!

Jon (VO): This game automatically goes on my shit list because keys kill you! What kind of sadism is this?! These are deeply rooted conventions, man! You don't mess with this stuff!

[ACCURATE EMOTION]

Jon (VO): And this game came out way after things like Legend of Zelda, alright? They had time!

Jon (VO): It turns out you're actually supposed to bang on the elevator button a bunch of times to get the elevator to come. Which I guess is about accurate. I mean, usually when you're trying to call an elevator, you just do it like--

(Cuts to Jon's finger repeatedly pressing an elevator button.)

Jon (VO): This is a video game, though. How was I supposed to know I had to wait for the elevator?! This isn't some experimental indie game! It gave me no indication it was even coming.

Home Alone (1991; Super NES version)
Jon: (holds up the SNES Home Alone cartridge) Let's move on to the SNES. That's one of my favorite systems. There's gotta be a good Home Alone game on that.

Jon (VO): Ah, that's better already. Decent graphics, and at least it plays like an actual video game.

(Cuts to what can be assumed to be Kevin's room with a lamp, a drawer with a horse picture hanging above it, and a bed with a baseball jersey with "1" on it, but most interestingly a ring with a large emerald set into it is seen on top of the drawer.)

Jon (VO): Whoa, hold up. Look at that giant emerald ring on the dresser over there. You could pawn that off and buy Kenya! It's no wonder people are tryin' to rob this guy's house all the time.

(Cuts to a hallway, where Kevin has encountered a suspicious man in a black suit and bowler hat who is looking around.)

Jon (VO): Okay, first off, uh, who- who is this cartoon mobster here and why does no one care that he's in my house? Is he just a weird family member? Is he my dad? Is th- Is that my- Is that my game dad?

(Cuts to another hallway where a bowling ball sits prominently on a shelf mounted dangerously high on the wall.)

Jon (VO): Also, I'd just like to point out that this bowling ball placement is exquisite.

(Jon listens blissfully to the sound effect the squirt gun makes.)

(Shows the scene slowed down with the sound effect with a psychedelic wallpaper superimposed over it.)

Jon (VO): So, basically the point of this fun kids SNES game is to run around and collect valuables from your house and then when you collect them, deposit them into these safes which drop the items into a... sex dungeon?

[SEX DUNGEON?]

Jon (VO): What is the significance of this? Is that a giant vault in their basement? Who has a giant vault in their basement?! I really have no idea why I'm supposed to do this. I- I can't figure it out! If you- If you- [IF YOU CAN'T... FIGURE OUT HOW TO PLAY] HOME ALONE 1 [ON THE] SNES [RIGHT AWAY]... WHAT- IT'S [BAD]! It's- REDO THE GAME! THROW IT OUT! ['''REDO THE FUCKING GAME]!! '''Also, for some reason, every item you deposit always turns into a candelabra. Was Liberace the executive producer for this game or something? Seriously, why?! I'm pickin' up emerald rings, sacks of money, but it always turns into a golden candelabra! WHY DOES IT ALWAYS TURN INTO A CANDELABRA?!

(Kevin shoots a robber coming towards him with water balloons from a slingshot, which just bounce off harmlessly. Afterwards, the robber catches Kevin, and the screen quickly fades to black and then to the game over screen, which is literally a clipped image from the scene in Home Alone where Kevin applies aftershave to his face and screams.)

[OH NO!]

Kevin (in-game): AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

Jon (VO): Okay, seriously... You're gonna tell me that a community of right minded adults made a game about a 10-year-old boy, and then decided that the best course of action would be to have the game over screen be a naked picture of him?? Let it be known that this is actually the only part in the movie where he touches his face and screams, and it's when he is applying nakedly aftershave applying it!

Kevin (in-movie): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--!!

Jon (VO): Oh-ho-ho! Looks like they caught old Kevin after all! His tricks and toy cars weren't enough to keep the fully-grown robbers with more developed brains at bay!

(Silence, then the horrifying music from earlier returns with a black and white version of the previous cutscene zoomed in, and typewriter-styled text reading "MISSING SINCE 1992" scrolls across the screen.)

Home Alone (1991; Game Boy version)
Jon: Is there a single good Home Alone thing after Home Alone 2 the movie? Exception of course, uh, episode 5 Holiday Heist... Uh, highly regarded as the... Strikes Back of the series, of course.

Jon (VO): Certainly not the Game Boy version. It's really just the same thing as the SNES version, with a few marked improvements that I'll go over right now. For one thing, when you shoot the mobster he turns into Michael Jackson Moonwalker!

(A 16 bit version of Smooth Criminal by Michael Jackson plays)

Michael Jackson: OHHH!

Jon (VO): Still got that bowling ball, though! That's how you know it's authentic.

Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992; Super NES version)
Jon: Maybe there's hope in Home Alone 2 for the SNES... ♫ But probably not no hope in heeeere, probably ain't no hope for the life of everyone! ♫

Jon (VO): This is exactly the same game as the one for the NES, but this one has much better JPEG. You can tell by the fact that Tim Curry looks like he has less jaundice in this one. But unfortunately, they didn't find out how to make him look like Tim Curry yet.

(Cuts to cutscene of Harry and Marv, the two thieves that are the antagonists of the first two Home Alone films, using a payphone.)

Jon (VO): Oh my God! I think they literally just cut out Joe Pesci's head and pasted it on this cartoon body! Look at the clipping on the pea coat! And don't get me started on Daniel Stern here; he looks like he's trying to cork out a hard shit he's been brewin' in his ass for a couple of weeks.

Jon (VO): Most everything here is the same, bar the graphical upgrade. Except this lady's different. (silence) Also, I think this bear is trippin' balls with that dog down there. That is the face of someone who's seeing some shit.

Home Alone (2006; PlayStation 2)
Jon: I don't know what I'm gonna do! Not even a single one of these games could be considered passable! Who made these?! Who would pay money to make these?! (silence) Shit! (stands up) WAIT!!....... There is... one more game. The rarest game of them all, only released in Europe for the PlayStation 2.

(Slowly zooms in on the cover for Home Alone for PlayStation 2 in Jon's cabinet)

Jon: And th- that's, like, 10 years newer than the SNES. They must've figured out how to make a good Home Alone game by then! I mean, they fucked up every other time. You can only fuck up so many times before someone fires you! Let's do this...I gotta save my best friend!

(20th Century Fox logo plays)

Jon (VO): Aw, yeah, the 20th Century Fox logo. You always know you're in for something good when you see that.

(The game's copyright info is shown and then the loading screen comes up, showing a childish drawing of Kevin)

Jon (VO): Ohhhh...! OHHHH! I- Are you serious?! Is that something that someone who calls themself a professional artist actually made and handed to their boss, and the boss went, ["Yeah, that looks good. Do that."

~Someone bad at life]

(The title screen is shown, and it sure isn't pretty.)

Jon (VO): (chuckling) Oh my God! This isn't some sorta hacked game; this is a real game with real box art and real money... that was exchanged by real people to really fucking own it! On PlayStation 2! Oh my god, this looks like something you'd see an 11-year-old post on DeviantArt.

(Shows the main menu.)

Jon (VO): Look at this house. Now l- look at this house bordering the text. I could literally make this in Photoshop in, like, 2 minutes tops. Here- no, e- [I'll do it]. I'll do it right now.

(A Photoshop drawing of the same house from the menu screen appears which has E=MCBoobs written on it.)

Jon (VO): I did it. I literally d- I literally made the exact same thing. With a mouse. And zero experience in art. Don't you remember these iconic characters from the film? Kelly? Carl?... Carly? My- my favorite scene with them was this one:

(Shows clips of loud explosions.)

Jon (VO): What is this? What am I doing? I'm alone... but I'm not in a home. I'm in some botanical garden. Also, why is this taking place during summer? Did anyone on this--and I use this phrase loosely--team of developers watch the film before sitting down and making the game? I know they had to put it together in one whole weekend but damn, son! That is some serious commitment to being unfaithful to your source material! You spend more time in this game walking around locking doors than you do laying traps for the bad guys.

(Shows the pause menu.)

Jon (VO):  'Scuse me, you can turn the effects down in this game? [What effects?} This game has effects... that you can turn off?

Jon (VO): So basically, you go around attempting to attack the two burglars with various things you find laying around. My personal favorite is the spider. Because you just throw a fucking spider at them! You j- you just throw another living being at their face. I can't believe this is a real game. It's no wonder they didn't release this game outside of Europe. The box art... the... I'm- I... I- I mean no exaggeration by this; the box art is literally the best part about this game! How did this happen?! No, seriously! How did this game happen?! It was released in 2006; that's, like, 10 years after Home Alone was even relevant anymore. Why did anyone opt to make this game?! Was there some sorta interdimensional being they had to keep at bay by making a new Home Alone game?

Jon: (despondent) Well, I guess that's it. I'll never see Jacques again. There's not a single redeemable game in this ENTIRE LIBRARY! (suddenly has an epiphany) Wait a second... I can see clearly now the rain has gone...

(Jon sits up scrambles to his computer, where Jon types on the keyboard frantically while the monitor shows the Home Alone 2 NES cartridge, Home Alone 1 SNES cartridge, and the PS2 Home Alone cover over a Matrix wallpaper.)

Jon (VO): C'mon, c'mon! I- I- I must've missed something! I mean, there were so many different competing companies back in the 90s that--

(The monitor fades to black and displays the Sega logo.)

Sega Logo: Seeegaaaaaaaa!

Jon: That's it! Home Alone for Sega Genesis!

Home Alone Games (Sega Genesis)
Jon (VO): Welp, this may be one of the first times that the Sega versions of a game are better than their SNES counterparts. But the Home Alone games on Sega are pretty sweet! At least compared to the horror that I just witnessed. Tight graphics, novel gameplay... Kevin looks and controls just as you'd expect him to... And y'know what? In the case of 2, this is a pretty accurate rendition of New York City as far as the Sega Genesis goes.

Jon: (walks into kitchen) I found it! Macaulay, wake up! (grabs and starts shaking the pot still full of nuts) C'mon! Wake up. C'mon... (starts banging the pot with the Sega Genesis Home Alone case) Get outta that stove corn. (sets the pot down and looks away) ...Shit, I hallucinated all that, didn't I?