Barbie Games/Transcript

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Jon (as Barbie): Hey Ken, I was thinking about, you know, maybe taking the year off, going back to college, starting my career...

Jon (as Ken): Nonsense, Barbie! You're staying home and having my kids!

Jacques: Jon, what are you playing?

Jon: Systemic oppression!

{several shots of Jon with a grim expression and Jacques accompanied by eerie music}

Jon (VO): The Barbie line of toys launched in 1959 and quickly became the desire of every little girl. Who wouldn't want to look like Barbie? She's bright, colorful, fun, and likely hasn't eaten anything since the moon landing in 1969. {Switch to Jon's floor} With those proportions, I think you're gonna be needing one of these, Barbie... {turn to reveal a doll-sized wheelchair which Barbie is placed in} ...what beautiful rims you have to offset the sadness.

It only made sense that Mattel would bring Barbie into the burgeoning market of gaming. Her widespread appeal was sure to sell.

Barbie (C64)
Jon (VO): Starting with Commodore 64's Barbie. Aptly titled. {holds the disk} Now I'm interested to know how they got a whole Barbie in this little disk! That's technology for ya'!

Okay, we're off to a good start. Classy music. Also, nice, uh, Playboy bunny costume, you got there? Wha- Why are you wearing that? Is that- This is a kids game. Is that just, how you dressed then, on a normal basis? Okay.

{Phone rings}

Barbie (extremely bitcrushed): Hello?

Ken (also bitcrushed): Hi, Barbie. It's Ken! Would you like to go to the prom?

Barbie: Sounds like fun!

Ken: Great! See you in an hour.

(digital motor sounds)

Jon (VO): So far, on the sound design, we're looking at a perfect ten.

(loud key presses)

Jon: Well, this was 1984. Maybe this is just, what people thought video games were.

Jon (VO): I can't move the car. Or do anything. What's going on? Is this...clock somehow related? Wait, do I seriously have to just wait and watch her drive for an hour?

Jon (VO): Oh! Okay, you can go into these businesses along the strip. That's cool.

{imitating Barbie} I'm going to look beautiful!

{normally} So I guess I'm just trying to get ready for that date with 56K-modem Ken.

56k-modem Ken: {loud modem handshake noises} See you in an hour!

Jon (VO): Okay, I'm already looking good, looking good, waiting for that hour mark, and let's go, Ken!

Barbie: Hello?

Ken: Hi, Barbie. It's Ken! Would you like to go to dinner?

Jon: {dressed in a blonde wig and red lipstick} But Ken, w- we already had a date. Dude, you can't just flake on me like this...

Jon (VO): Alright, maybe I screwed it up? Maybe he could sense I wasn't pretty enough over the phone.

Okay, I look great, one hour...

(telephone ringing)

Let's go!

Barbie: Hello?

Ken: Hi, Barbie. It's Ken! Would you like to go to the pool?

Barbie: Sounds like fun!

Ken: Great! See you in an hour.

Jon (VO): What is this, some kinda Twilight Zone episode where Barbie just keeps getting ready for various dates with Ken, when in reality Ken died in a horrific yachting accident that Barbie refuses to accept?

Barbie: Hello?

Jon (VO): {as Ken} Hi, Barbie. It's Ken! I miss you. It's so quiet after you die. There's nothing. But the voices, they never stop. See you in an hour!

{normally} Okay, so what it turns out you have to do is get into the right outfit which is very specific for some reason and return home before an hour passes.

So this game can be summed up wholly as: "Getting Ready for a Date with Ken". Also, If you ain't lookin' fine, he ain't taking you nowhere! You're going to McDonald's for dinner.

Okay, onto the next one. Ken, you're creepy, Barbie, you gotta stand up for yourself more, and if I were a small girl I'd probably never touch video games again after this.

Barbie (NES)
Jon (VO): Next up is Barbie for NES. Let's see if technology improved the Barbie experience.

(game music)

Jon (VO): Oh, GOD! What have you done to yourself, Barbie?! Why is your hair the same color as your skin?! Oh, God, it looks like you're made out of fried chicken!

(in soft voice) A glamorous quest full of fun, magic, and adventure.

(in fast legal voice) Barbie is a trademark of Mattel, Inc., copyright 1991.

Jon: That one looks like Mickey! And that one looks like a cease and desist!

Jon (VO): So, we find Barbie laying in bed, reading a book about...mermaids, which apparently she loves, as she literally proclaims it. "Tomorrow's a busy day, I'm having lunch at the soda shop, going swimming at the beach, and meeting Ken at the party tomorrow..." Poor, sweet Barbie! What a burden you carry in this life of ours! At least you'll get some welcome respite in your dreams.

Nah, never mind, I'm getting stressed out just looking at this. Speeuuuurrrrts!

This game is a basic platformer. You move left and right with Barbie and throw diamonds to solve puzzles and avoid obstacles. Boy...she does not have much power behind that throw. Well, maybe if you ate a piece of food now and again your muscles would come back from atrophy.

And here we have the terrifying first boss of this game, a giant cage of beach-balls hell-bent on destroying Barbie for some reason! If you pay this cat in diamonds, it'll close the hatch for you, defeating the boss. You hit the nail on the head, Barbie. Money can solve any problem!

The next level features an assortment of clothes throwing themselves at Barbie in hopes that she'll buy them. Shoes, hats, pantyhose—or, maybe, is that bacon, Barbie's dreaming about, 'cause she's hungry as fuck.

(ominous music) We'd look great on you, Barbie! Buuuy us! I want to feel your skin inside me!

Essentially, this is a game about Barbie dreaming about all the things she has to do tomorrow, instead of being a game about Barbie doing all the things she has to do tomorrow! I think they were trying to go for a David Lynch, Darren Aronofsky thing, you know, it's heavy stuff.

Whoops! Died from a fountain...fish?

Should I go back to sleep, or should I wake up?

Jon: Wake up Barbie! You've been in a coma for seventeen years!

Jon (VO): Also, you look like a gray alien. Aah. Don't.

At the end of the game, you find some magical shoes, turn into a princess, and marry Donald Trump. What else is new, it was 1991, who didn't want to marry Donald Trump, I fuckin' did. Here's my picture of me wanting to marry Donald Trump.

Barbie: Game Girl (GB)
Jon: Let's try the Game Boy companion to this title, Barbie: Game Girl.

(game music)

Get ready to play Barbie, bitcheees!

Barbie! What happened to your face? You look like (laughing) fucking Voldemort!

Jon (VO): In the actual gameplay, she looks a bit better, a-and by "a bit better" I mean she looks like a Star Wars deep lore creature.

(roar)

Jon (VO): Ohh, Barbie! Shooting diamonds out of your vagina again? Come on! I know you were raised in the arid Desert jungles of Tower Bot Six but have some respect! We just don't do that here!

So this is the exact same game as on the NES, but the platforming is incredibly slow. In fact, they were both made by the same company in Glen Rock, New Jersey.

No! Bad New Jersey! Bad state! Go to your room!

Whoah! She's SUPERMOM! Supporting the capitalist economy by buying hearty helpings of Crocs for everyone! What an American hero!

Barbie: Super Model (SNES)
Jon (VO): Let's move on to the SNES. Surely, there must have been a Barbie game on here that brought happiness to a child at SOME point.

Jon: Barbie Super Model, let's go.

(game music)

Jon (VO): So what—so what's going on here? Barbie's in a posh restaurant, drinking wine and journaling, but she's dreaming about driving down Hollywood Boulevard? You know, they say "dream big", but Barbie, you gotta dream a little bigger than that.

Allllright! Hollywood Boulevard. All the favorites are here. Hollywood Museum, vaguely Chinese theater, "New"... I mean, what's really going on here anyway? Okay, is some sort of funny business going on?

What does a sun need sunglasses for?! You know, (laughing) that's like if a, like a little dang ol' dog walkin' himself down the street! Stupid dog, can't do that!

You know, on second thought he must be shielding his eyes from Barbie's pure star-power. Or maybe actually maybe it's just her horrible pink Corvette.

A-haha. Come on! The first game I've run into is literally a matching game, where you just match Barbie with magazine covers. This is less thrilling than a round of bathroom Sudoku, and at least during that, I get to take a shit.

Back to driving...not really sure where I'm heading this time, but—

(crash)

Jon (VO): Oh, SHIT!

(ominous music)

Jon (VO): That's a hit-and-run! But, it's okay, forgive her, you would have done the same in her shoes. Because Barbie is TERRIBLY late for walking practice!

...This is just walking. You press a direction...hit a button... and repeat.

Uhh, this is game? I have seen game, th-this is not game.

So as it turns out, that is just a practice mini-game for the actual runway. So if you didn't memorize the walk pattern there, you won't be able to do it here. The most positive thing I can say about this game is that it does not revolve around getting ready for a date with Ken.

The fuck am I lookin' at right now? Am I looking at you dreamin' about you bein' on a beach while you're at the FUCKIN' BEACH?!

D- D... D-Do you know what a homeless person is? Have you ever stepped foot outside of a mansion before? Has anyone ever frowned at you? Oh, I get it; dis must ALL be a dream, cuz I've been in LA for more than 10 minutes and I haven't seen ONE hypodermic needle or used condom!

Barbie: Vacation Adventure (SNES)
Jon (VO): The other game for SNES is Barbie's Vacation Adventure. Sounds promising.

Here you explore some of America's most famous locations such as California, Florida, Texas, Iowa, W-what- Wyoming? Well that's literally America's least populated state, 50% of the population is just hostile winds.

Wyoming
Jon (VO): You know, I'm being hard on you, Wyoming, let's give you a shot.

Jon: Wow. That was just as bad as I thought it was gonna be.

Jon (VO): Each location serves as a different minigame. This one turns into some sort of tent puzzle outdoor adventure.

When you finally do get to some platforming in this game, it's atrocious. Ahhh, Da- Cha- I can't even land on these platforms! The edge distance changes each time, it can't make up its mind.

Wyoming? More like I'm going homing. {laughs} Am I- Am I fired?

Iowa
Jon (VO): Yeah, alright, whatever, let's go find fun in a regular part of the world, you know, like Iowa, as pictured here with its most famous resident.

Jon: Clowns.

(gameplay)

Jon: Clowns.

Texas
Jon (VO): Let's try Texas! Ye old home on the range! (laughs to himself) Tha- That- That's something they say there, right?

(gameplay)

Jon (VO): You get to ride a horse in this one. I-uh, I said the whole thing about this already.

Florida
Jon (VO): Alright, I usually don't like to say this much, but... let's go to Florida.

(Jon's mouth catches on fire. He recoils in shock and tries to recover his composure.)

Jon: Oh, I think just saying that just burnt my mouth for some reason...

(gameplay)

Jon (VO): Oh my god. This is literally just the Underwater Level from Donkey Kong Country.

(gameplay comparisons between Donkey Kong Country and Barbie: Vacation Adventure)

Jon (VO): The signs with the arrows, the fish, even the music is a cheap ripoff.

(cut to another gameplay comparison between Donkey Kong Country and Barbie: Vacation Adventure involving the soundtracks of both games for these parts of the game)

Jon (VO): Well, the one good thing about this is we can just give up and watch her slowly die. Just gotta wait for this meter to go down. Well, okay, let's just, you know, speed this up a bit then.

Jon (VO): The fish aren't obstacles. Nothing in the environment is an obstacle. Even the lack of oxygen isn't an obstacle. The only thing keeping me from completing this game is not giving a shit.

California
Jon (VO): Alright, last stop, Californ'I.A.

Jon (VO): "Welcome home, we've hidden your presents around the house"?

(as Ken): Yeah, welcome home! Good luck finding your insulin! Fuck you, might not even be in this apartment!

(as Barbie): (assortment of muttered angrish while being seen sorting through shelves) God fuckin' damn it, wh- where's my goddamn presents? Hiding my shit all over my house, you got to be kidding me with this Horse Hockey!

Barbie: Magic Genie Adventure (GBC)
Jon: Alright, let's move on to Barbie's Magic Genie Adventure for the Game Boy Color.

Jon (VO): Of which one of the back of the box selling points is "Teach baby horses to fly".

Jon: Looks like we're in for somethin' magical.

Jon (VO): This game starts off with Barbie and her magical genie friends having a magical picnic. But a dark wizard is lurking in the shadows looking at 'dey ass, and being a general creep. In reality, though, what this guy is doing is eyeing up their genie lamps, which is oddly not a sexual euphemism. And he's also got a big black unicorn...

Jon: ...which actually is a sexual euphemism.

Jon (VO): You're already riding a goddamn flying unicorn, how much power do you need, dude?

Believe it or not, hey, this one's actually pretty good. You fly around on your magic carpet through mazes while collecting items and solving puzzles, all of this to restore your friends magical powers. But something feels off here, somethin's not right, no one's told me to change my dress or to get ready for a date with Ken yet. Or excuse me... in this world, he's Kenkhmed.

They made a PC version of this game as well for some reason, and it comes with that stupid genie lamp. I have no idea how to use it. It's from the '90s, it has some weird DVI input.

Jon: I turned into a little boy and went in here myself. I can't get in there now i'm a grown-up.

Jon (VO): Ugh! Looks like Barbie's coming down with a bad case of E.T neck. Gotta say, it's an upgrade this one. Only three tanning salons and four Gucci stores in the whole thing. It's basically a classic.

Barbie Horse Adventures: Blue Ribbon Race (GBA)
Jon (VO): Maybe this one will have something? Barbie Horse Adventures: Blue Ribbon Race for GBA.

(The title screen shows up featuring some of the most horrifying music ever)

Jon (VO): I di- I did not... I did not add this music. I would never have thought to add this music! This is the real music. I'm never going to sleep again now.

Barbie Super Sports (PS1)
Jon (VO): Alright, but those were the days of old. I mean, what did we really expect, right? Maybe they turned a new leaf with the PlayStation games onward. I'm sure it's gonna be fine.

Barbie: Hi, I'm Barbie!

Barbie: Check out this new outfit!

Jon: Ack, it's still bad!

Jon (VO): Ah, come on, there's gotta be, what, something of substance to do in this room! What's over here? Oh, this is a buildup. Oh come on, baby, money's on black, this is gonna be good!

Jon: Byotiful.

Barbie: Explorer (PS1)
Jon (VO): And goat. Goat is here. G- old- old n- arch ne- enemy goat of Barbie's, behh!

[G--old Old n "Arch Enemy Goat of Barbie's" ?]

'''THIS IS UNFINISHED! DO NOT TAMPER WITH, PLEASE!'''