Goosebumps

Goosebumps is a Halloween episode of Jon reviewing the Goosebumps TV show. This is also the second Halloween episode and is a two-part episode.

Part 1
Jon opens the review by seemingly performing a ritual with candy corn. With Jacques telling Jon that there's "magic in the air," Jon decides to share it with the world, but a taxi driver yells at him. Jon decides to then review Goosebumps with Jacques at his side.

Goosebumps History
Jon talks about the original books, talking about how the books were scary to read when he was a kid. He reads the titles from some of the books with them getting increasingly sillier. He then introduces the TV show. The show was one of the shows that were designed for kids that would be a suitable horror show. He is excited to watch it again but is disappointed to find that it isn't as good due to bad writing and acting. He then introduces the first episode that he will review: Don't Go to Sleep.

Don't Go to Sleep
Jon opens the episode showing the main character Matt not getting anything while his older siblings talk on the phone and stay up late. His mother states that because he's younger he doesn't get the privileges that his older siblings get, saying "That's reality, Matt." Jon mentions that the mother has been talking to Matt directly during the first part of the episode. Matt then goes up to the attic and lies down on a "spider-ridden bed." Matt then gets scared by, then talks to a mannequin about how he doesn't like his life and doesn't care what happens.

His bed then begins to spin, sending him to an alternate dimension where he's the center of attention and is a popular hockey player. Jon begins to become confused about how the episode is progressing and compares Matt being a hockey player like Jackie Robinson. Two mysterious characters are then introduced as they spy on Matt. Matt mentions that he doesn't play hockey, but Jon mentions that this is his fantasy and not to blame the world due to his lack of "sub-thought."

Jon then comments about how Matt's falling down noise sounds like starting up his old 1990 IBM computer and how the ref talks randomly as if the director didn't care about what he said. Matt is then introduced to one of the men that are following him and slides into the hockey goal and into an emergency room where he is a surgeon which confuses Jon more. Jon comments about how the surgeons are letting a little kid be the surgeon for severe brain surgery and that the safety procedures are "top-notch" (Jon also adds an edit to a scene where it looks like a surgeon is severely cut by surgical equipment while wiping Matt's head.)

Matt then jumps into another reality where he has to diffuse a bomb and no one around him seems to know what to do. Matt attempts to tell the people around him that he doesn't know what to do, but everyone thinks that he's just making a joke. Matt then jumps into another reality where he is being wed, which confuses Jon once again. Matt finally finds himself in an "extra-physical court" where the two men who were tailing him reveal themselves as the Reality Police and tells Matt that he's "in trouble."

Jon then goes through an explanation in of how In Trouble is not a location. Matt is then taken to the judge who states that Matt is being judged for crimes against reality due to him not liking being the youngest. Jon then gets angry about how he's being prosecuted because he's fighting the system even if it's wrong and has the judge say that that is how they keep "Special Interest Groups lobbying so efficiently." Matt then wakes back up and gets out of the attic and never questions anything ever again. HAPPILY EVER AFTER! Oh except for the part where they still decide to fuck with him for the rest of his life. The attic door then closes with the text "Surprise buttsex" appearing and Jon tells the moral of the story: "Never think, or else the secret police might catch ya and kill ya no matter what!" Jon then states that there are still two more books to cover and that the next parts will be uploaded a day or two after this video is uploaded.

Part 2
Jon drops the viewer in where the last part ended, continuing the review.

My Hairiest Adventure
The episode begins with a kid named Larry Boyd being chased by dogs while having an "inner monologue" which unsettles Jon. Larry climbs up a tree where the branch that he climbs onto breaks and the credits roll. NOT REALLY

Larry's friend Lilly arrives and shoos the dogs away, while Larry thinks "She's pretty cool, you know for a girl". As you know, he's pretty cool for a girl too, heh heh heh, if you know what I'm talking about.

Larry then goes off to join his revolutionary shitty garage band. There's so much revolution with this one, especially the pianist, who is literally awesomeness in human child form. In this sex dungeon of a basement, they found some tanning lotion, which causes...Larry's skin to break out in a rash? Not only that, but the tan also gives people the ability to make their face and voice to look as DISCONNECTED AS POSSIBLE. Larry then goes home to exposition the shit out of his cat and discovers that he is growing hair where he applied the tanning lotion. Larry goes to the bathroom, and the sound of the razor alerts his parents. And so that they would MAKE SURE that he is doing something strange, he yells out, and I quote, "Can't a guy get some privacy?", and hums in such a way that only people who are pretending to act natural do. The next day, Larry encounters Lilly while on a walk and asks her if she has been growing hair in weird places. After having his question be ignored, they go to see their friend who doesn't appear to be home. Larry then asks if his clothes are still there, which is apparently very relevant when suddenly a creepy realtor guy exits their friends closet and states that their friend has moved. For no reason at all. This guy does not reappear after that and doesn't murder children, so why even have him?

The plot of the pile of shit that is Goosebumps then turns into a sort of comedic "Larry goes around and tries to hide his hair from people" bullshit scenario. After fleeing from Lilly's home and being chased by dogs, Larry heads home and decides to see if any more hair has grown on his body, which makes Jon beg for Larry to stop until the Department of Justice stops Jon's review.

Larry's parents then figure out Larry's hair growth and call a doctor to examine him. The doctor then makes his conclusion that the tanning lotion didn't cause Larry's hair problem and that it was probably Larry's band audition that is causing the hair growth, to which Jon impersonates the doctor and says "Now where did I put that MD?"

Larry then discovers that his friends are turning into dogs and goes around town "talking to some stock vague adults," which Jon states are his "favorite kind of them." Larry soon becomes fed up with his lack of detective skills and says the best line ever said: "I don't want food, I want answers!". Jon then states that Larry is "hard to love, but harder to hate." Larry then runs home quickly becoming covered in more hair and Jon states that he can't keep going after seeing Larry's head covered in hair. And he was a dog. And his parents were a dog. And everybody was a dog. The moral is good within this one: "Don't be unlucky and be a dog."

Ghost Beach
Oh, but everything else we have seen today was but Citizen Kane and Casa Blanca in relation to this butchering of an R.L. Stine classic. Enter Ghost Beach. Jon then pops the episode in before a hand reaches down to grab Jon in which Jon says, "Oh my god, not again!" as he shoos the hand away. The episode starts off with two kids named Jerry and Terry who are visiting their cousins on the ghoooost beach. Terry is busy waxing a gravestone with the name Harrison Sadler on it, which makes her brother mock her. Terry then states that she's "interested in things". Yeah. They're both pretentious fucks. They are then scared by Whoopie Goldberg, who is one of the other 2 children that also hang out on the ghoooost beach. Jerry then tells the two kids that they are staying with their cousins who were twice remodeled. Terry tries to correct Jerry, but hey, twice remodeled is better than twice removed.

Jon then states that his favorite part of the episode is the strange girls acting, as it is very awkward throughout the episode. The kids then tell Terry and Jerry that the ghost of Harrison Sadler still roams the beach. Then, they start acting spooky out of nowhere and say they gotta go. Probably for the same reason that guy from the closet was creepy.

After a sudden cut, Terry and Jerry are at dinner with their "cousins," who are actually an elderly old couple. Jon is confused about this, as he is not a scholar. Jerry then brings up the kids they met named Sam and Louisa Sadler, which causes their cousins to go quiet and cues in THE UNSETTLING MUSIC. The old cousin then states that he has some reading to do, in which the other elderly cousin states that she will "help".

Jon is confused by this, and makes a short skit, poking fun at the quote. In the skit, he states that he needs Jacques to help reading a book series by R.L. Stein that was written by "a bunch of chimpanzees." He can't seem to find it though.

The next day at the beach, Jerry and Terry discover a skeleton in the sand, in which Sam and Louisa suddenly arrive, which scares Jon, to tell them why the skeleton is there. As Sam and Louisa explains, Jon laughs at them and points out his confused anger as of why Louisa had to turn "backwards 270 degrees" to the cave.

Jon then states that he'll enjoy this holiday even if it kills him, in which a "scary jack-o-lantern" appears and states that the holiday will indeed kill him. Jon then launches a quick angry rant missile 2.0 2015 limited edition at the pumpkin, which makes him depressed. Jon apologizes and continues the episode.

Jerry sees a light in the cavern that it is said that Harrison Sadler lives in and brings it up at dinner with his cousins. Cousin Grandpa tries to explain this with aurora borealis and some other sciency shit like that, but they don't believe him. Terry and Jerry then decide to take the matter into their own hands and they sneak out to the cave. They discover that the light is in fact, not "aurora boring-alis" and they discover the ghost of Harrison Sadler. Except for the fact that it actually isn't a ghost, but a guy who studies ghosts. The kids point out that there is a gravestone with his name on it, but he states that he was named after his ancestor.

He explains to the kids that three hundred years ago, pilgrims sailed to the beach, but endured break-bones living conditions during the sudden winter and had "unbearable painful deaths" that made them stay at the beach as ghosts.

He then states that Jerry and Terry's friends Sam and Louisa are actually dead and are the ghosts and that he is studying them, which confuses Jon. He states that they should go to the graveyard to "find their answer" (SURPRISE BUTTSEX), which they actually do. At the graveyard, they discover the gravestones of Sam and Louisa as they suddenly appear behind them. They both say that they were named after their dead ancestors, in which Jon states that they used the same excuse again as he kicks his foot in the air. Sam and Louisa then show Jerry and Terry their own graves, which confuses Jon as it pops out of nowhere with no explanation.

They all then decide to formulate a plan to trap the ghost. And the plan is... Are you ready for this? Are you sure? TO USE ROCKS TO TRAP THE GHOST!

They all arrive at the beachfront to proceed with their plan, but Sam refuses to go with them. A lightning bolt strikes the ground and the man from the cave suddenly appears. He congratulates Jerry and Terry for bringing "the ghosts" to him, but Louisa calls him a ghost. Jon, impersonating the man, states that the ghosts tricked them to believe that he was a ghost when in reality they were truly the ghosts. A clever trick for a ghost! A dog suddenly appears which barks at Sam and Louisa, having them back up to the man. Terry then screams, which makes Jon wonder what she's screaming at. It is then shown that Louisa's face is now a skull, which also causes Jon to release a womanly scream. Another lightning bolt strikes, causing the cave to shut. Terry then tells Jerry not to wake her up anymore. Jon then states that the actual ghosts in the episode were the old cousins and that they eat dogs. He then insists that they could have saved them some time if they ate Larry from the second episode, but is stuck on what to say for the first episode since it was a long time ago. Jon then calls everyone in his apartment a ghost, including someone, notably a female, out of view.

Final Verdict
Jon calls the show the "cheesiest schlock this side of the planet," but that the books are better than the show and that they still stand to this very day. He then states to the viewer to kick back, watch the leaves change, and enjoy the month of October. He then takes a sip of beer and Jacques attempts to drink it. Jon then references a scene from A.I. in which Haley Joel Osment eats spinach if Jacques drinks alcohol, but then points out that since Jacques is a bird, he'll die of alcohol poisoning. The episode then ends on a close up of Jon's old hat from his previous episodes.

Quotes

 * "Hey everyone! Isn't it just a beautiful feeling?"  "GET OUT OF THE WAY ASSHOLE!" - Jon yelling outside his apartment with a taxi driver yelling at him.
 * "Go to fucking hell." - Jacques when Jon counts him in.
 * "'Eating you and burying your bones?' What is THIS Jack and the Beanstalk?  That...  That's Grimm's Fairy tales level!  That's like before we had reference to a large body of horror literature level storytelling!  Can you tell me something?  Why does a ghost need sustenance?" - Jon when Louisa explains that the ghost will bury Jerry and Terry's bones in their graves.
 * "If it's good for the kids, it's GOOD FOR THE ADULTS!" - Jon after reviewing "Don't Go to Sleep".
 * "So two kids are vacationing at the beach. THE GHOOOOOSTTT BEEAAAACCCHHHhhh!" - Jon when summarizing "Ghost Beach."

Trivia

 * This is the second Halloween episode.
 * The title cards "Part 1" text jumps to a smaller size as the card fades out.
 * The "Part 2" text grows larger as the title card remains on screen.
 * This is the second episode showing Jon out of his new home, the first being Hercules Games.
 * Jon puts the books with the episode titles mentioned into an NES, a SNES, and a Dreamcast throughout the two episodes.
 * The book titles that Jon reads are:
 * The Haunted School
 * The Headless Ghost
 * You Can't Scare Me!
 * The Cuckoo Clock of Doom
 * Why I'm Afraid of Bees
 * Piano Lessons Can Be Murder
 * The Beast From The East
 * Girl Who Cried Monster (which actually scared Jon when he was young)
 * Attack of the Jack-o-Lanterns (Jon's favorite)
 * References made throughout the episode:
 * Are You Afraid of the Dark? (Another child horror Canadian show similar to Goosebumps.)
 * Tales From the Crypt (Jon imitates the Crypt Keeper.)
 * A Christmas Carol (Jon imitates the Ghost of the Future when Jerry and Terry are shown their graves.)
 * A.I. (Jon references a scene in which Hailey Jo Osmond eats spinach and malfunctions.)
 * The two men that are chasing after Matt appear to reference Men In Black because of them being a secret police force and being a black and white two-man team.
 * The coach from Don't Go To Sleep is actually famed Canadian legend Don Cherry.
 * "Surprise Buttsex" and the reuse of the shows credits during scenes are running gags in the episode, but are only used twice.
 * Both of the episodes run times, 18:53 and 12:22, put together equal 30:75, making this JonTron's current longest episode.
 * The two parts were also added to Jon's YouTube channel on Oct 27, 2013 and Oct 30, 2013, which makes these episodes the fastest uploaded episodes in conjunction to each other.
 * The episode seems to have an exposure issue, as Jon's face appears significantly redder throughout the episode. There is a possibility that Jon could have been sick, it could be a deliberate post-processing effect, or perhaps it was due to the Halloween decor.