Plug and Play Consoles/Transcript

Video Here ---\/ [Text in brackets = text shown but not spoken]

(Title card shows Jon plugging a massive Spider-Man plug and play controller with Jaqcues and Cinnamon sitting on it into his TV. The plug and play controller then leaps into the air, leaving nothing but a pile of its own absurdly long cord that infinitely unravels as the console rise.)

(We begin with photos of crowds of people shopping on Black Friday.)

Jon (VO): Black Friday approaches, and that means one thing: Grandma's out gettin' trampled just to get you the same old gift... crappy video games. Oh, you got me Monopoly this year for the Nintendo 64? (briefly shows footage of that game) Well, this would have been great back in 1864! Y'know, when it was impressive just to not die from bein' 35!

(A picture of a Walmart bargain bin appears, most notably featuring a 50-game pileup of the Xbox 360 version of Max Payne 3.)

Jon (VO): We all got games like this. You know the ones: bottom of the bin, a- literally bottom of the bin at the grocery store. But in this category, one genre reigns supreme: the plug and play games.

Jon: Y'know... (presents a Namco Ms. Pac-Man plug and play controller) One of these.

Jon (VO): Why buy your loved ones a $50 SpongeBob game for their Wii in which you have to, y'know, put the disc in, then figure out which cords plug in from the box machine into the TV, and then you gotta maybe, like, switch it on, and who knows what else from there... when for $20, you can get them the magical device that plugs right into their TV, already has the game inside of it AND is also a toy of SpongeBob's face?! (plays with the SpongeBob controller's nose/joystick) That's like, what? That's like eighteen toys in one.

Jon (VO): Now, plug and play games have been around for decades, but their true rise to popularity began in the early 2000s, led by a company called Jakks Pacific. Remember, this was before downloadable content and virtual console re-releases were widespread. The most you'd see were those GBA ports of NES games, so at the time, it made sense. Of course people were gonna be like: "You're tellin' me there are ten classic Namco videogames in this one small box that looks like a tiny version of the bigger box it used to be in?!! Well, sign me and the rest of America up! We got a couple years before the housing crisis! Let's have some fun!" So basically, what started as an innocent way to port some classic videogames in a novel way spiraled into a massive business. I mean, these things were everywhere! Look at the ones I have.

Jon: (displays two Namco ones) These two are both classic Namco games. Pretty cool. Pretty cool. Standard stuff.

Jon: (presents one with a Spider-Man theme) There's a lot of these in the Marvel Superhero series. This one's on Spider-Man, I guess.

(The camera zooms in on the Spider-Man figure on it. It seems that Spider-Man is staring directly at the joystick.)

Jon: Hey, Spidey. Ya think you could, y'know, back off a bit? You know the saying: a watched man never plays.

Jon: (presents another Spider-Man joystick) A lot of these are just a penis. This o- this- This one is Spider-Man's penis. (messes with the joystick) Bombs away.

Jon: (presents a very suggestive The Thing console) This one is, uh, Fantastic Four's d- uh... d- creepy golem penis. Okay. Is this good? Is this bad? I- I- I'm sorry man, I kinda have to do this.

(Jon presents a Venom symbiote-covered Spider-Man controller, and takes note of the head placed on the joystick as if Spider-Man were somehow decapitated.)

Jon: Oh my goodness. That's a bit barbaric, isn't it? (tilts the joystick around a bit) Poor bastard.

Jon: (presents a Shrek-themed controller) Weird! Gross! (squishes the joystick's rubber Shrek ears) Ewwww! This is the- That's the Shrek one.

(Jon shows yet another Spider-Man one, this one with a figure of the titular hero pointing downward

Jon: This one is my personal favorite. Spider-Man po- points at your dick while you play. You can't make that up. That's really how they designed this. What the hell were they thinking?

(shows a controller based on Deal or No Deal, and with a missing piece, no less)

Jon: Deal or No Deal? No deal!

(Finally, a Scooby-Doo controller is presented. It shows the Mystery Machine with a ghost for a joystick and Scooby hanging onto the back of the Mystery Machine in a way that looks like he's humping it.)

Jon: Scooby's really, uh, goin' to town on the back of the Mystery Machine here. (points at a shocked Fred in the driver's seat) And Fred's like, uh, "Scoob, no! It's a kids show! Don't!"

(Shows footage from the Scooby-Doo plug and play game.)

Jon (VO): I mean, to be honest, most of the games aren't horrible. The Scooby-Doo one's pretty appealing. The graphics are nice.

(Shows footage of some of the Marvel games.)

Jon (VO): Even the Marvel ones aren't bad. They're basically side scrolling beat 'em ups, although I assume anyone would get tired of these before long. But don't get me wrong... there are the bad ones.

(Cuts to a Spider-Man game where the titular hero is hunting for the Lizard in a sewer maze.)

Jon (VO): Like the one where you plunder a sewer for the Lizard. Forever... A- And ever- Oh, there he is! Wonderful.

(Cuts to a Shrek golfing game... You read that right.)

Jon (VO): Shrek golf!... I asked for this?

(Cut to a flaming background and an image of Sonic in his Sonic X design alongside a backpack featuring a horribly miscolored version character, with the names "OBAMA" and "Harry Potter" written on it.)

Jon (VO): But of course, as to be expected, any good fad comes with its fair share of bootlegs. I mean, why don't you just go ask our good friend Robert Cop over here? (shows a Robocop action figure that has "Robert Cop 2" printed on the box)

Jon (VO): Oh, and of course don't forget everyone's favourite crime-fighting alliance: Sense of Right!

(The Sense of Right Alliance pack appears. Characters from left to right are a miscolored Lightning McQueen, a yellow Power Ranger, Superman, Batman, Spider-Man, and Shrek.)

Jon (VO): Everyone's here: Batman, Superman, Sh- Shrek, a car... Ohhhhh, nooooo...

Jon (VO): What I'm sayin' is, it didn't take long for counterfeiters to hop on the plug and play gravy train.

Game Fillip
(Closed curtains appear and a drumroll begins to build.)

Jon (VO): Ladies and Gentleman! I present to you... Uh... A-Are you sitting?

(The curtains open, revealing Jon holding the Game Filip box.)

Jon (VO): Game Filip!

(The camera zooms in to the child on the box. He appears to have no neck.)

Jon (VO): Perfect for children with no necks.

Jon: (mimicking the child) Finally! A game system for me!

Jon (VO): (reading the box) Digital stereo sound, high-tech controller, dazzling 3D graphics, and SPECTACULAR color! And to top it off, 88 games in one. What can I say? I'm sold! (notices something off) Uhhh, wait, hold on... "8-bit game"? I thought you said it was dazzling 3D graphics. Filip, make up your goddamn mind! This thing has the audacity to promote, as a selling point, that it comes with AV cables. Yeah, don't even get me started on the previous version.

(Jon walks over to a wooden box on a shelf labeled "OLD GAME FILLIP" in black marker. He opens it to reveal that it contains crayons in various states of use, cigarette butts, a cassette tape labeled "BOOTY JAMS", and a dead fish with one of the cigarette butts in its mouth.)

Jon: (unconfident) I can make this work.

(Cuts to the Game Filip menu.)

Jon (VO): Alright, enough about the box. Let's talk about what's actually on this thing. (opens the first listed game, labeled "Spider Man") Okay, "Spider-Man". I know that. This oughta be good.

(Footage of the NES version of Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Six appears.)

Jon (VO): Ohhhh, it actually is kinda good. But it's just a port of the NES title.

(Footage of the NES version of Donkey Kong is shown.)

Jon (VO): In fact, this whole thing is just NES ports with mistranslated titles! "634 Ken"? Eh, never heard of that one.

(Footage of Musashi no Ken – Tadaima Shugyō Chū is shown.)

Jon (VO): Oof. That's a- That's a REAL winner.

(The screen zooms in on the game's protagonist, who wildly slashes with his katana as a distorted noise blares.)

Jon (VO): "Small Mario"?

(The title screen for Xiao Ma Li pops up.)

Jon (VO): Hey, they were right! That's the smallest Mario I've ever seen! He's so small you can't fuckin' see him!

(Footage from ports of the NES games Onyanko Town and Challenger is shown.)

Jon (VO): Yeah, but these are just ports. I'm lookin' for something I've never seen before. When am I gonna get to the good stuff?!

Power Kracker 2014
{cut to Jon holding up the Power Kracker box}

Jon (VO): Maybe I'll find something in the, uhhhh, uh... Power... Kracker. Which, according to the game box, is the (faux-superhero voice) GREATEST GAME MACHINE IN THE PLANET! (normal voice) Well, what are we waitin for?! Get it outta there! Start digging! This one claims to have 76,000 games on it. DAMN! If that's true, I'll be playin' this for my entire life!

(Cuts to the Power Kracker's menu. As stated on the box, there are indeed 76,000 games on the system.)

Jon (VO): (stunned) Oh my God... (chuckling) There really are 76,000. I guess I'll order some takeout.

Jon (VO): "Toy Story"? Eh. Wonder what this one is like?

(The title screen for Circus Charlie is shown.)

Jon (VO): "Circus Charlie", huh? Yeah, I don't- I don't remember that from the movie.

(Footage of Circus Charlie, Contra, Devil World, and Karateka is shown)

Jon (VO): Again, this is just a bunch of mislabeled titles from the NES! I mean, there's not a single original game in here. What kind of human being does this? I mean, why'd they stop at 76,000? Why didn't they just say... a MILLION games?! A ''BILLION?! INFINITY?!'' Sky's the limit when you don't give a shit!

{Jon queues the 20th listed game, labeled "Mario Bros SCS"}

Jon (VO): Well, I mean, why don't we just try Super Mario? I mean, at least I know what I'm getting in to.

(The title screen for Mr. Mary, a Mario Bros. hack, appears.)

Jon: I have several questions.

Jon (VO): Mad? Who, me? No, I'm not mad. I mean, who's mad? How could I be mad when I bought a video game console that has "Circus Charlie" under '5000 FUCKIN' different names?! [I'M FINE]!!'

Jon: (takes out a hammer) Krack THIS! (kicks the controller twice, then uses the hammer to finish it off, smashing it to pieces)

Pro Games Player
(The camera pans across the plug and play controllers on Jon's table.)

Jon (VO): Okay. This is it. I think this may be my final chance to find a game machine that no one has ever seen before. Luckily for us, I think I saved the best for last.

(Jon takes out the Pro Games Player box.)

Jon (VO): The Pro Games Player! You a Games Player? You wanna be a Pro?

Jon: Then you're gonna need this, sucka! (takes out the controller and included gun, but the cords are tangled) Uh... (spends a few seconds untangling the cords) C'mon! (holds controller and gun accessory looking badass)

Jon (VO): (flips the box around) It's got 51 games in one, and they all look original, so I'm pretty excited to see what this has got to offer.

Jon: Let's load it up and see something life-changing.

(Jon inserts the cartridge in the controller. When the system boots up, the menu features more NES ports.)

Jon (VO): What- No, no, no-no-no... I- I- It- No, it can't just be NES games again! The back of the box said it had original games!

Jon: GodDAMMIT!!!

(Jon throws the controller to the floor in anger, knocking the cartridge out. This in turn causes the screen to switch to the Pro Games Player's actual menu.)

Jon (VO): (confused) What?

(Jon looks at the controller, then back to the screen.)

Jon (VO): Well, there they are.

Jon: (removes a pair of glasses) Whyyyyyyyy???

Jon (VO): Wait, wait, wait. Y- Y- You're telling me I have to take out the cartridge… to play the games? I think I'm supposed to be upset right now, but more or less, I think I've just gone fully numb. Well, we gotta start this off the right way, so of course, I'm gonna pick Hitting Mices. Y'know, this one really stood out to me, and I think they wanted it to, mainly 'cause they printed it twice on the back of the box!

(The two screenshots of Hitting Mices on the back of the Pro Games Player box are highlighted, accompanied by a "DING" sound.)

(Shows the title screen for Hitting Mices. The prominent gorilla is zoomed in on.)

Jon (VO): Oh, complete with nightmare!

Jon (VO): (chuckling) Hi- Hitting Mices?! Mices! What, "mice" wasn't good enough for you? You wanna hit more? You wanna pluralize the plural so you can hit more? You're a monster!

Jon (VO): In this game, you play as a cave gorilla throwing what seem to be... what is that, bean bags?... at mice who are climbing up your wall. Now, you gotta hit those mices, but you wanna cushion the blow. You don't want 'em to die from one hit. You wanna stop the mice before they curl up in these burrows. Also, it's got this power-up that makes you move faster and is impossible to play without. But that's basically it gameplay wise. There's nothing else to this game. Alright, next.

(Shows the title screen for a game called Exist.)

Jon (VO): Exist?... Yeah, I've been tryin'.

Jon: A good game poses a philosophical question. A masterpiece does it right in the title.

Jon (VO): Look at that copyright year. 200518784? Man, it's gonna be a while 'til fair use kicks in on this one. No modding!

(Shows footage of Exist.)

Jon (VO): Ah. It's a fish game. Yeah, definitely got that from the title.

Jon (VO): This is basically just Feeding Frenzy, except it's got this 8-second loop of music that's driving me crazy!

(The 8-second music loop plays.)

Jon (VO): Now, I'm not exaggerating here; I timed it! It's 8 seconds long. Come to think of it, this music's probably enjoyable for one kind of guy: a fish with a six-second memory span!

(canned laughter)

Jon (VO): Y'know, I got a philosophical question myself... Why am I still playin' this?

Jon (VO): Alright, what's next? Uh, let's boot up "Cute Fish".

(The title screen of Cute Fish appears. The camera zooms into the rather detailed and angry-looking fish.)

Jon (VO): OH GOD! Cute Fish?! Where is he? (zooms into the fish again) You mean this guy? I don't think you mean (disembodied hand points at the fish) this guy.

Jon (VO): Alright, well, at least we're past that horrible title screen.

(The screen shows six different baits to pick: a worm, a crab, a grasshopper, a beetle, a slice of cheese, and a strange caterpillar-like creature.)

Jon (VO): (confused) I... see! Yes, I certainly do understand what is happening here.

(Jon picks the cheese. He controls the cheese to hover over where he wants to cast, revealing Cute Fish to be a fishing game.)

Jon (VO): Ohhh- ohhh- Oh, ok- okay, yeah. "Cute Fish".

Jon: I get it!... (raspy voice) I don't get it.

Jon (VO): It's come to my attention that a lot of these games are... aquatic-themed?

(Cuts to the title screen for a game called Corridor, where due to the lack of space, the title is split into Corr Idor.)

Jon (VO): This one is called "Corr.... Idor"? What a beautiful name she has! Too bad she's gonna lose her pretty face soon 'cause-she's-goin'-headlong-at-the-goddamn-speed-o'-light-into-a-bunch-o'-bullshit- HELP!!

(the fish character crashes into an enemy and disintegrates)

Jon (VO): And she's off! And by that, I mean she disintegrated! She's dead!

Jon (VO): And this is "M_Day", with an underscore in the title because that makes sense.

Jon (VO): (chuckling) Also, we have... um... "Denger Zone". Oh, lemme tell you about it. What was so appealing about the underwater genre that they had to make this many of them? Is it 'cause it was easier to program, or was it just 'cause 90% of the backgrounds was just blue?

Jon (VO): Next game: "Water Fire".

(The game features a pink rabbit and a blue lion shooting bombs at barrels that are floating in water.)

Jon (VO): Okay, yeah. Seein' a lot of the water... not so sure about the fire. I've been sitting here for, like, ten minutes, and I genuinely can't figure out how this one works. I think you're supposed to shoot only one certain color of barrel, green or red, but it doesn't matter which one you shoot. The guy on the right always wins. Why? For what reason? 'We cannot live in a world of chaos! 'Also, in regular fashion, the sound will cut out at will... (the game's sound cuts out for a few seconds) and then come back! (the sound comes back) And then cut back out. (the sound cuts out again)

Jon: And just like that... it's gone like a- (blows a kiss) like an angel's kiss!

Jon (VO): Next up, "Xmas Gift". Oh, I just know it's gonna feel like Christmas in here in a minute. (zooms in on Santa) Bootleg Santa's on the watch! Looks like he's got a couple of them bootleg eyes up there. I wonder what he's seeing? I wonder if he can see?

Jon (VO): (referring to Santa's scroll that reads "GIFT X MAS") Now, hang on a sec! Is this game called "Xmas Gift" or "Gift Xmas"? Or maybe the title is an equation. Gift times mass equals...

Jon: The theory of happiness?

Jon (VO): Nah, scratch that. Some dumb idiot probably just don't get English.

(Gameplay footage of Xmas Gift is shown, which Jon narrates Charles Dickens style}

Jon (VO): One Christmas night, evil cloud Santa had a plight. His temper was not mild; he threw gifts at every man, woman, and child. (normally) Uh, hold on, actually; at just one child. Yeah, I'm talkin' shit like hamsters, bananas, leaded screws that cause brain damage apparently. (a screw falls on the player character, causing his hat to turn into a comb-over that flops around as he chews on the screw) I'm not sure what's happening here, but it can't be good.

(The character catches a lightning bolt, turning him into a skeleton with a thunder sound effect.)

Jon (VO): (chuckling) Oh my GOD! Uh... w- d- um, (snaps fingers and sings nervously) ♫ Merry Chriiiistmaaaas! ♫ Y'know, at first I was bein' harsh, but I've come to realize that this game is actually very well researched. It recreates the ancient German Christmastime tradition.

Jon (VO): (faux German accent) Ve go out in zhe snow vith zhe frying pan and try to catch Sinterklaas's evil gifts from the sky! It is a great time for all kinder in Deutschland!

Jon (VO): (normal voice) Okay, let's get outta here before Santa notices. I don't wanna get on this guy's bad list.

(The title screen for a game called Edacity Snakes is shown.)

Jon (VO): Okay, moving on. Ed- Ed- "Ed...acity Snakes"? (shows the title screen next to an image of a city) You talkin' about edacity or dis city?

Jon (VO): (referring to the snake head on screen) That's just the snake from The Jungle Book! That's Kaa! They used the same exact snake, except this time it looks like he peed on the rug and got in trouble for it. BAD snake! BAD!... You're copyrighted!

Jon: I really need to know what's in this game.

(Edacity Snakes is revealed to be pretty much exactly like exactly like Snake.)

Jon (VO): It's fuckin'... it's fuckin' Snake. It's fuckin' shitty- it's FUCKIN'  SHITTY ASS SNAKE!! (leaves and storms out the door, but stops himself and returns) No, no, y- No, but- Y'know what, I am not leaving until somebody tells me where "Edacity"... fits into all this! I'll just move on to the next game. I need to get through this before I get a goddamn coronary!

(The title screen for Pop Monster is shown. The camera zooms in to the monster character standing there.)

Jon: (seemingly has a heart attack) I'm goin'!... I'm goin'!

Jon (VO): Pop Monster is Jump To The Next Platform... The Game. Baby, you don't, uh, need to jump. You have your choice of not one, but three spiral staircases back there. You don't gotta risk it. It's just this. Over... and over... And the music is just this.

(Fast-paced 8-bit music plays.)

Jon (VO): OVER...' AND OVER... AND OVER''... NEXT!!'''

Jon (VO): This one's called "Trooper". (title screen starts glitching) And- Oh, I think the only trooper I see is the title screen itself. Hang in, buddy! We're sendin' backup! In this game, everyone is falling to Earth and it's your job to... y'know, murder 'em all. Press Y to blink around like a wizard. Am I breakin' it? Is this breakin' it? Please, God, let this be breakin' it! This type of game seems to be coming up frequently as well, these, uh, Space Invaders clones. It's not really a shmup 'cause you're not goin' anywhere and things are just kinda falling at you.

Jon (VO): Uh, we got "Robot". Literally the same as "Trooper".

Jon (VO): "Archer"! You play as a man who throws arrows with his bare hands. I believe we may be missing one of the two major ingredients in archery here. Perhaps this is how archery got started. Up there with "Exist" getting a bit of philosophy in here!

Jon (VO): "Aether Fighter". Just another version of "Trooper", except this time you shoot pineapples.

Jon (VO): And "Final Man"! That's epic. He's the last one!... Except he isn't. 'Cause there's at least two or three other men over there. You're a liar! Wow, I'm getting fuckin' tired of this!

Jon (VO): Oh, and please. Don't let me forget about the star attraction here: "Shootin' Ballons"!

(The title screen for Shooting Ballons is shown, but the "s" and "g" in "shooting" blend with the balloons in the background, causing them to resemble balloons themselves.)

Jon (VO): Oh, right. 'Scuse me, I'm sorry, I got this wrong. Actually, this is "Hootin' Ballous"!

(The title screen for Santa Claus is shown.)

Jon (VO): Another Santa Claus game?

(The game starts, and it appears to be very similar to Xmas Gift from earlier.)

Jon (VO): Hey, this is the same game as "Xmas Gift", except this time, Santa's not evil. And the graphics are kinda better, I guess. Hold on a second. Is "Xmas Gift" a bootleg of "Santa Claus"? A bootleg of a bootleg inside a bootleg system! What kind of Christopher Nolan Inception level shit is this?!

(The character is hit by a screw, said character being severely injured}

Jon: I'm goin' deeper, Leo!

(The screen zooms in on the character, as Inception music blares.)

(The title screen for Brave Boy is shown.)

Jon (VO): Okay... Next. We got "Brave Boy". At least the title screen looks decent on this one. And hey... I'm a fan of adventure.

Jon: (holds a Fire Emblem sword) I'm a brave boy.

(Gameplay of Brave Boy is shown, and it can only be described as pure confusion.)

Jon: Not a brave enough boy for this! (tosses sword away)

(Zooms in on a character giving a monster a bath.)

Jon (VO): What even is this? When a monster catches you in this game, you give it a bath? Not that you'd even be expected to know that you're doin' that, because the panel only shows up for a split second when you get hit. An- A- And it's not even you in the picture! It's just some blue-head kid in his underwear and a cape. Well, to elaborate, by this game's logic, you have to avoid giving things baths long enough to collect balls long enough to unlock this sword in the center that's encased in crystal. This little blue guy here can't catch you when you're in the houses or tubes, or whatever this is. But the big blue guy can catch you from literally anywhere. Even if the top of his head scrapes you when he's outside of the building and you're inside of the building, he gets you.

Jon (VO): (voicing big blue monster) "I want a bath, motherfucker."

Jon (VO): (trying to obtain the sword) Careful... Yep, ye- Got it! (victory screen appears, with a wildly different character model for the protagonist) Wow. That boy was so brave, he sent someone else to get the sword for him.

Jon (VO): "Magical Kitchen"!

Jon (VO): SURPRISE, IT'S HELL ON EARTH! IT'S BOUNCING SUICIDAL FRUIT ON A SPATULA! NEXT!

[NECKST.]

Jon (VO): Okay, this- this one- This one is just called... "Boxes World". Look at this bear, look at this smug son of a bitch. He knows, he knows- He knows what he's doin'. He's like, "Yeah, it's a game called 'Boxes World'. What did you expect? Mary fuckin' Poppins? You've seen the rest of these?" And to top it off, it's just a clone of another game on the Sega Genesis called "Shove It"... where you slide boxes around. Yay.

[YAY.]

Jon (VO): Yeah, I think I remember seein' this one on my TI-83 calculator!

Jon (VO): The vast majority of the games on this system are puzzle games. And most of them are terrible. There are memory games, stacking games, two of the games on here I would classify as lawn care games. Yeah, they would be "Radish Field" and (deep voice) '"LAWN PURGE''"! 'A.K.A. cutting the goddamned grass!'' Why would I want to play a game where all I'm doing is chores?! Isn't that what games are supposed to help us avoid doing?!! Especially when there are other such enticing titles on this console, like "Stub Game", or as I like to call it, STACKING FUCKING' CANS!! 'Alright, come on, what's next?! I'm here for the ride at this point! I'm here 'till the fat lady SINGS!

(The title screen for Germ Killer is shown.)

Jon (VO): Alright, we got "Germ Killer". Yeah, well... at least it means well.

(Jon attempts to play Germ Killer, but gets so confused by the game's broken nature, plus sad music and germ characters, that he's reduced to tears. He dabs away his tears with a towel.)

Jon (VO): I'm just so sad; I- I... I c- I can't explain it.

(One of the germs is killed by a pill, causing Jon to bawl harder.)

(The title screen for Way Out is shown.)

Jon (VO): Next game. It's called "Way Out". This game better just be a loaded gun or a noose. You promised me this!

(The protagonist goes in various directions seemingly incorrect as to what the signs say.)

Jon (VO): I- I- I really- I- I have no idea what's going on here; do you? She goes right when it points left, she goes left when it points right; there's no logic! There is no way out... is there? That's what you're tryin' to tell me, isn't it? I'm stuck here forever playing your barely functional games!

(The title screen for Xtreme Robot is shown. The logo slides onto the screen from the right.)

Jon (VO): Okay, one of the only playable games in here is called "Xtreme Robot". Surprise, though; it's just Contra. I'm gettin', uh... I'm gettin' a little worn out at this point! I think I gotta take a rest. How 'bout we book a room at the 'OOTOTOTEL' and have a nice na-na-na-na-NAP?!

[NaNaNaNaNAP]

Jon (VO): The bosses are really weird, too. They're just... I don't even know what they are. What is that, a Roomba? A cardiac valve?

Jon: Ohh! (blows kisses) This is the best; the finest bootleg. Four star, best in the city! ZAGAT!!

Jon (VO): Oh boy, I can't wait to see what's up next. We got "Boxing W-… Werstle". I'm drawin' the line at "Boxing Werstle"! Where they got Mike Tyson next to Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Are they different games? Or are they just... one big game? So they just, y'know, combine the sports then?

Jon: (holds controller away from himself) You can't make me!

Jon (VO): (plays game) Help!... Help me! I'm being held against my will! My address is '123 HELP'!

Jon: This is the werstle game I've ever played. (smile slowly turns into a frown)

Jon (VO): neheheheEXT!

(The title screen for Huarongdao is shown.)

Jon (VO): Oh, yeah? Oh, okay. I mean, that one looks pretty cool. I mean, it's ancient Chinese warfare! How could we go wrong? Just please give me this one, just this one!

(The gameplay of Huarongdao is shown, revealing it to be just a low quality matching game.)

Jon: It's... It- It's awful. IT'S ALL FUCKING AWFUL!! IT'S- ALL OF IT, ALL OF IT, AND EVERY SINGLE ONE O' THEM SUCKS!!

Jon (VO): This whole thing is just filled with rip-offs! "Police Skill"; it's Hogan's Alley. "Guard Farm"; it's Duck Hunt. "Desert Gunman" is Wild Gunman; "Diamond"'s Arkanoid; "Close Quarters", "Top Gun"; "Horrible Area"-you got that right! "Table Tennis"? Fucking POOOOONG!

Jon: (sighs) Alright... One last game... Let's give it a shot.

Jon (VO): "Star". The final frontier. The very last game... on the system. Could this be the one... to save them all?

(In less than five seconds, Jon dies due to the incompetent nature of Star, an obvious rip-off of the Tron light cycle minigame. He shakes in rage when suddenly, a beam of light appears from above and abducts Jon, who drops the controller. He is taken to outer space, where he encounters Bootleg Michael Jackson.)

Bootleg Michael Jackson: You did it, Jon!

Jon: Bootleg Michael Jackson?

BMJ: You made it! You're one with the coooosmaaaaaas!

Jon: No... No, this can't be.

BMJ: You played 'em all, Jon. Now you can become a bootleg master yourself!

Jon: No, no-no, don't use your magic on me!

(Bootleg Michael Jackson begins casting bootleg magic, and the screen flashes white.)

BMJ: OHHH!

(The screen then fade into an 8-bit game-styled title screen called "JonTron: The EXperience" with a Mario Paint rendition of the JonTron Theme Song, complete with an 8-bit version of his face. A few seconds later, the "JonTron" voice and Neo-Geo credit sound from the intro plays with JonTron smirking a bit with a gleam on his right eye.)

Sponsorship/Outro
Jon (VO): Thanks for watching JonTron! If you like audiobooks and good services, consider signing up for a free 30-day trial at Audible.com using my link, Audible.com-slash-JonTron. You'll get a free audiobook just for signing up. And if you don't like the service, cancel any time.

(A Question Block from the Mario series appears.)

Jon (VO): So this month, I recommend to you...

(The Question Block fades into the book's cover art.)

Jon (VO): Fifty Shades of Grey!

Jon: Ohhhhh, crap... That's not the right book...

Jon (VO): If you wanna see more JonTron, click these annotations.

(The screen fades to black after a few seconds.)