Titenic/Transcript

Video Here ---\/ [Text in square brackets = not spoken but shown on screen.]

{Text in curly brackets = both spoken and shown on screen.}

(JonTron intro plays.)

(Title card shows the Titanic itself slowly rise up into view, while Jon and Jaqcues fade in above in the same pose as Jack and Rose in the Titanic film's poster art. Jon quickly plants a smooch on Jaqcues' side. During this, a sped-up, 8-bit rendition of "My Heart Will Go On" plays in the background.)

(Fades into a boat in a port at the boardwalk. The camera pans across the port as Jon talks on his phone.)

Jon (offscreen): Yeah, no... Yeah, no, I- I- I see what you're talkin' about. She's right there on the water, but... I dunno, man. I just- I don't think we can make a game out of this.

(Cuts to Jon talking on his phone on the boardwalk.)

Jon: Nah, man, plenty of games have boats that ain't sank yet. I mean, look at Call of Duty Boats. Mediocre sales. (holds up Xbox One case for Call of Duty Sunk Boats DLC) But Sunk Boats DLC... 'platinum seller. 'Oh, okay. So I suppose what you're telling me is that we should NOT make a game... about the Titanic sinking?!

(Silence)

Jon (VO): Yeah... Believe it or not, someone out there actually decided it would be a good idea to make a game based off of the Titanic. You know, the great Titanic disaster of 1912 where 1500 people met their fate with Davy Jones in one of the deadliest maritime disasters in history! That's like makin' a game about the Pompeii volcano incident! Tap A quickly to not DIE AS FAST!

Titanic: Adventure Out of Time (Windows/Mac)
(The title screen for Titanic: Adventure Out of Time is shown.)

Jon (VO): For some of the games like this one, Titanic: Adventure Out of Time, I can kinda see where they were coming from, at least. The Titanic was sort of a mysterious event, so they tapped into that and created a point-and-click adventure mystery game about it. It's pretty atmospheric, but it has that old quirky 90s PC game vibe. You know the one... this one.

(Cuts to the gameplay, where a female NPC walks up to the screen and begins a conversation.)

Lady Georgia Lambeth: "You came! After all this time!"

Jon: Ack! Come on, lady. Gimme some space.

Max Seidelman (offscreen): "C'mere."

Jon (VO): Mmm, I'm tryin'. I'm- I'm- Oh, I'm gonna get there- Ohhhh, there he is!

Max Seidelman: Max Seidelman. Philadelphia, PA.

Jon (VO): Jim Belushi? Is that you? Did you travel back in time to hide from the fact that you were in Hoodwinked?

John Smethells: "It is good to see up and about. You've been in your cabin the whole voyage."

Jon (VO): (imitating cutscene style) I bought the ticket; I'll do what I want.

Titanic 2005 (Famicom)
Jon: But that's not why we're here today. Now, that game may be silly, but what I have to show you right now defies... explanation... (holds the cartridge for Titanic on NES) An NES game... based on Titanic... the movie...

...The movie.

...THE MOVIE!

Jon (VO): With any major commercial success, there's an inevitable influx of off-brand or unlicensed merchandise to capitalize on the hype. And apparently, James Cameron's 1997 film Titanic was no exception. The movie grossed over $2 billion worldwide, and the only movie to pass it up since is James Cameron's very own Avatar with $2.7 billion. I get it was popular, but a video game about... Titanic the movie? And an '''NES game?? '''We have a Chinese company to thank for blessing us with this game. Specifically, Shenzhen Nanjing, true prophets of our time.

Jon: Titanic came out in 1997! I mean, the N64 and the PS1 were already out! Uh- Who was this meant to be marketed to? No, really! Wh- Moms? Kids? Anyone? Eh- Iceberg fans? Anyone at all? Would you buy that?... None of y'all wouldn't buy that?! You're not fuckin' stupid!

(Jon inserts the cartridge into his Famicom console, then picks up the console and drops it into a fish tank that features Squidward's Easter Island head house from SpongeBob SquarePants.)

(The game's title screen is shown with the same 8-bit rendition of "My Heart Will Go On" from the start of the video playing in the background.)

Jon (VO): Oh, would you just listen to that! Majesty! Celine Dion would be so proud if she was still with us. You can pick from Rose or Jack... but with my thorough understanding of the film, I'm gonna say that Rose is probably the better option... Hey, but what can I say? I've always been a fan of certain doom! Let's go with Jack! For some reason, Jack's name has, like, a- a blood splatter on it. I- Is that supposed to be symbolic...?

Jon: Good God, China! All about symbols! Couldn't even make the alphabet!

(Cuts to a cutscene with Jack's face in the top left corner of the screen and Rose's face in the bottom right.)

[DO NOT GIVE UP, DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED!

YOU WILL BE ABLE TO GET OUT OF HERE!]

Jon (VO): "Do not give up, do not be discouraged! You will be able to get out of here!" It's not even poetic! It's just like they're on opposite balconies yelling practical advice to each other.

(Cuts to the gameplay.)

Jon (VO): Now, I gotta say, they knew what they were doing with this one. Starting us off right in everyone's favorite scene! Next to the sex car...

(Jack's sprite wipes his head and spits repeatedly.)

Jon (VO): Eh, so far so good... I haven't even touched the controller yet. This is just what he does when you stand still. Wipes head, spits, turns around, repeat- Alright, this is fantastic.

(Jon unsuccessfully attempts to move Jack around.)

Jon (VO): Oh! Wow. Okay. Uh, th- this game barely has any controls, apparently. I'm... Wh- I- I don't even understand how to... fuck- move- I- I be- I BET YOU... controlling the w- ROBOT ON MARS right now'd be easier than this, and to do that you'd have to send a... goddamn signal off the Sun, and into the robot and then BACK TO EARTH! '...... I BET THERE'D BE LESS INPUT LAG! 'What did I expect...? You're just trying to get from one end to the other while dodging rats and ghost barrels. Just another day on the Titanic, folks!

(Jon tries to get Jack on a platform composed of stacked storage crates, but he struggles immensely.)

Jon (VO): I can't quite- I... I- I can't quite get on the crate here. Ah...! GAH--!

(Jack dies.)

Jon (VO): Okay. Died to a rat. Probably shoulda just waited to die the cool way, Jack, alright? It was- It was comin' in, like, 20 minutes. You blew it on a rat. You blew it on 'a fucking rat. 'You can't even attack, or if you can... I dunno how.

Jon: But they had to stay true to the film, didn't they? I mean, can you blame 'em? This is a story about love, not violence!

Jon (VO): Man, low on hearts. I better pick one up so the rat doesn't get me again.

(Jack gets a heart, but the heart counter stays the same while the lifesaver counter goes up from 04 to 05.)

Jon (VO): Ohhhh... So hearts equals... lifesaver?

Jon: Then what equals heart...?

Jon (VO): Th- I- I- I can't even begin to wrap my head around that. I have no idea how to replenish health, and I don't even think you can. The next level's the hull of the boat or something. Wha- I can't get past this part. Where do you go? Seriously. There's spikes on the floor, and there's no way around that I can see. This sucks.

(The game over screen is shown, which displays a pixelated Titanic sinking.)

Jon (VO): (chuckling) Ohhh my God... There she goes!

Jon: I have never experienced a continue screen that made me feel that guilty! I mean, it's my fault that happened!... I did the Titanic!

Jon (VO): Oh, also, I just wanna point out that the two choices we're given here are Continue and Start.

Jon: Guys, stop! You're givin' me too many options! I'm only one man here.

Jon (VO): Playing with Rose is hilarious, though. She actually picks up her dress to jump. Hey, game journalists! Look at that! They're not sexualizing your women for once. Isn't it all you hoped for?

Jon: So, thank God that's over! (laughs) I mean, it's over, right? There's not- there's not MORE, right? I mean, surely... there weren't two companies crazy enough to do something like this.... (the mood turns somber) Right??... Everyone at home... are you sitting? I mean, it'd probably be weird if you were standing watchin' this. I mean, (laughs) what are you- What do you got- You got some sort of standing desk?... Y'think you're better than me, don't you?

Super New Year Cart 15-in-1 (Famicom)
Jon: Now, there was one more company that made a game based off this Titanic movie craze. And it's not really possible to find it as a whole game, or at least I couldn't. (holds up cartridge) It comes on this cartridge called the Super New Year 15 in 1 Cart...

ACCURATE NAME!

(Jon takes the Titanic cartridge out of the Famicom--which is still in the fish tank--and puts the Super New Year 15 in 1 Cart in its place.)

(The game's menu is a mixture of both Chinese and English, with the word "English" up at the top and the numbers in the standard Arabic numeral, but the rest of the text on the screen--namely the titles of the games themselves--is in Chinese characters. When it switches, only the game titles change to English.)

Jon (VO): Oh, lemme tell you; this game's expertly programmed. When you boot this game up, you're presented with a random selection screen that's sometimes in Chinese, sometimes in English, and sometimes without the full game list? If you're lucky and you get the right screen with all the games on it, you won't even know where to find the game, because for some reason it's been split up into two pieces?? If you wanna play as Jack, it's called "Hacker", and if you wanna play as Rose... it's called "Heroine". B- uh muhhh buh- buh-... {But why, though?}

(The title screen for a game called "Titenic" comes up, showing an 8-bit version of the Titanic movie poster and the title TITANIC misspelled, whether intentionally or not, as TITENIC.)

Jon (VO): Ti- Ti- Ti-Ti- (sighs)...Titenic...

(An instrumental version of I'd Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That) by Meat Loaf starts playing)

Chorus: ♫ Ahhhh-ahhhhhhh...You better believe it... ♫

(Fades to Jon dressed in attire similar to that of Meat Loaf himself)

Jon: ♫ I would play aaaaany game on Earth... Yes, I would play aaaany game on Eaaaaaarth...! I would play any game on Earth... but I won't play (points at the game) thaaaaaat! ♫ (shakes his head)

(Quickly zooms in on Rose and Jack in the image, then pans down to the misspelled title.)

Jon (VO): OH MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT?!?

Jon: I bet you thought that was a typo, huh? The name of the episode? "Hey, guys, look! Jon made a mistake on the Internet!" (points down towards the comment section) I bet there's a bunch of comments down there already about it, but I'll tell you what... I wish that was a typo. Because no one wants something like this for mankind. The fact that this exists... means we already lost.

Jon (VO): Why bother changing the name if you're just going to steal the likenesses of the two main characters ANYWAYS?!? Oh, let me tell ya, it's a good thing they didn't misspell Leonardo DiCaprio's FACE, or we woulda REALLY 'HAD A PROBLEM!! 'Alright... let's begin. "{In 1912, there is a noble American girl - Rose, she tried to get away from her arranged marri ed  which is forced by her mother. At the same time, she met Jack, who is the young man on Ti--}

Jon: (gasps quickly before resuming)

Jon (VO): "{Titenic. Since Rose made a friend with Jack he lighted on her life.}"

Jon: Yeah, based on that car scene from the movie, I think he mighta "lighted" on a couple of her other things, too.

Jon (VO): "{They were also fall in love with each other. It made up a very touching and tragic love story.}"

(Cuts to the title screen.)

Jon (VO): This is mostly just tragic.

(Cuts to the gameplay, which confirms the game is a side-scrolling fighting game despite being based on Titanic)

Jon (VO): Ohhhhh! OHHHH!! Hey, Jack! I know the ship's sinking, but gotta keep our cool here! You wanna add to the list of casualties?

(Cuts to an iceberg in water and pans down)

Jon (VO): I don't think it was the iceberg that killed all those people... (An image of Jack's sprite appears on the bottom of the iceberg) I think it was Jack!

Jon: Oh, the first thing when I saw the movie, the first thing I said out the theater... I interrupted the whole group, I said... "Where's the FIGHTIN'?"

Jon (VO): Well, to my surprise, this game actually controls well. The fighting is tight and responsive. It's pretty satisfying to punch dudes. You can finally punch the rats this time around. that's good.

(Jack's sprite sits down and draws in a notebook)

Jon (VO): Is he, uh... I- Is he reading a newspaper...? Ohhhhh, he's drawing. Get it? 'Cause he draws in the movie?? Remember? This is definitely accurate to the movie! Remember????

(Cuts to a segment where Jack's sprite walks by a grandfather clock, the pendulum of which looks distinctly like a proportionally-huge human penis.)

Jon (VO): Uh, excuse me? Uh, T- Titenic management? I think you may have a well-endowed man standing in one of your grandfather clocks. I just thought I'd warn you...

(In the same scene, the Titanic's chef comes in and starts swiping at Jack with his spatula.)

Jon (VO): Ohoho, the chef's fightin'! Oh, the chef's mad. I- I'll tell you what, that's bad. Chefs are natural pacifists. You piss a chef off, you've done something wrong.

(While fighting the chef, Jack accidentally hits a maid NPC.)

Jon (VO): OH, shit! Sorry about that, I- I didn't see you standing there!

Jon: What can I say? Tensions were high.

Jon (VO): In most games that involve burly men destroying everything, a health power-up would consist of something like a turkey leg or a roast chicken. But in this game, you pick up lobster and wine.

Jon: (in an old outfit with a monocle) The bougiest of beat 'em ups!

Jon (VO): Eventually, you get to fight a boss that's essentially if Mr. T was infused with Donatello from the Ninja Turtles. Now, that's a pretty dangerous combo right there!

(Cuts to another level.)

Jon (VO): Alright, we're on the next level... No, ALRIGHT! Okay, hold the phone! Rats? Understandable. Bats? A bit weird, but I guess I can see, but COBRAS?! Unless this ship was headed to a snake charming convention, this is absolutely unreasonable. Hey, okay, it's no wonder the ship went down, between Jack beating up every capable person running it and... fuckin' goddamn cobras everywhere!

[COBRAS EVERYWHERE]

Jon (VO): I can hear the captain right now: "Uh, yes, I'm looking out for icebergs, but currently I'm fending off a nest of cobras and a very aggressive man from Wisconsin." Also, I love when you punch the cobras, they react like they didn't even see it coming. They're just like "Wooooah! I'm out! That was a bad one."

(A lifesaver is bouncing around the ship.)

Jon (VO): Ah, okay... The lifesavers try to kill you in this game. I'm pretty sure... this is the literal opposite of what a lifesaver is named for and supposed to do? How did both of these games fail to use lifesavers as s- some sort of appropriate object? If y- If you're asking me, that is proof of a... grand deity right there, or maybe the proof of a lack of one?

(Cuts to another level on the deck of the Titanic, where an enemy resembling Herman Munster appears on the deck above.)

Jon (VO): Aw, yeah, that's right. I remember the part where Jack fights Herman Munster on top of a smaller ship on top of the Titanic. That was the' beeest paaaaaaaart! 'I don't even know what's this guy's problem. He attacks you by firing a gun angrily and thrusting his dick at you. I dunno, we're in international waters; I guess anything goes. But once you beat this guy he's like "You have bested me! Here is the deed proving so!"

Jon: Man, 1910 times were weird!

Jon (VO): This time around, we're playing as Rose... who's a geisha ninja, apparently. Oh yeah! C'mon! Get 'em! 'GET 'EM, Rose! YOU'RE AN INDEPENDENT WOMAN!'

(Shows Rose attacking with a flurry of punches and kicks.)

(Cuts to an eggplant... floating... through the hall... Yeah.)

Jon (VO): Can't forget the flying eggplants...

Jon: Man, 1910 times were scaaaaaary!

(When Jon says ‘scary’, the video becomes distorted with a skull face, and Jon’s voice sounds demonic.)

(Rose finally defeats the boss, knocking him off the edge of the Titanic and into the sea.)

Jon (VO): Alright, finally. Beat him. See you later, Herman Munster. Again for some reason...

(The game's credits appear.)

Jon: (whispering) Every night in my dreams... I see you... I feel you...

Jon (VO): (slight reverb) It's beautiful... It was the most beautiful love story I've ever seen...! When we have kids... we're sittin' out on a beautiful summer's night... I'm gonna look you in the eyes, Rose... I'mma be like, "Remember when... you beat up that fat guy who was trying to kill you with a shotgun, and knocked Herman Munster off the Titanic a couple times? I'm glad we made it through that... I love you."

(Fades to black, then fades back into the opening scene, where Jon is still talking on his phone.)

Jon: (sighs) Y'know what, I think you're right. On second thought, I- I don't think it's gonna work. But I got one for you better! (turns around) Schindler's List: HD Remix!

(Cuts to a scene where Jon's head is Photoshopped onto a white business suit sitting in a chair with a lens flare moving, and the background filled with money falling. In the background a crowd is screaming, cameras are flashing, and the song "Whoa I'm In Space Cuba" from the Mighty Switch Force! OST is playing)

Outro
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