BIRDEMIC: The Best Worst Movie Ever/Transcript

Video Here ---\/ [Text in brackets = text not spoken but shown on screen]

Jon: Hey, Jacques. Guess why today's a special day!

Jacques: I'm not going to do that.

Jon: Well, that's right! 'Cause today, we're doing a video about birds!

Jacques: How dare you say that to me. You know my mother was a bird.

Jon: Well, yes, yeah. Yeah, I'm... I'm aware.

Jacques: Are you trying to give birds a worse name than they already have? Has Pigeon Poopinheimer not done enough?

Jon: How dare you say that to me. You know my mother was Pigeon Poopinheimer.

This movie right here. Birdemic: Shock and Terror. Hoo, there is nothing that can prepare you for this. Now for better or for worse, this is gonna change your life. And I'm gonna be the one to show you the light, so let's cut to the chase and all take a gander...get it? It's like a goose! Birdemic Shock and Terror, there's nothing in here. There's no- I've cheated you. I've cheated all of you and you didn't even notice.

So, as you can see, our film of the hour begins with a wonderful Sunday drive through the hillside. You know, I gotta say, it's really progressive of the people who made this movie to hire a cameraman with only one arm. I know this overture stuff is here to set the mood, so hey, if the mood they were going for was sleepy, hold on to your hats...'cause you're gonna slump over and it's gonna fall off. Seriously this goes on for the first three and a half minutes of the movie! Ugh, finally. Let's get a good shot of that parking job. Excellent. Hey, if this guy acts as good as he parks, I think we're in for a hell of a ride. Hey, whatcha lookin' for? The director? Yeah, I know. I don't see him either. And introducing the world's first synthetic actor.

Terminator: I'll be back.

Waitress: Hi!

Jon: Mkay! What was that? Have I finally gone deaf from sitting too close to the TV?

Waitress: Hi!

Jon: I love how unsure she is about saying hello. Yeah, I don't... I don't think anyone was, uh...to sure about anything during the filming of this.

Waitress: Here is the menu.

Rod: Thank you.

Waitress: I'll be right back with you.

Jon: Oh, god, please! There's absolutely no need for that. I haven't seen any birds yet, but I'm already feeling the shock and terror. So Jack Skellington over here decides to literally run after this girl he sees in the restaurant to ask her a few questions.

Rod: I think I know you from somewhere.

Natalie: Really?

Rod: Yeah, did you go to San Mateo High School?

Jon: Oh my god, this is riveting.

Rod: So are you from here?

Jon: What is this guy? Commander Shepard? What can you tell me about the reapers?

Natalie: Thanks. Well then...

Jon: What's with these random audio cutouts? I, I mean there's not knowing how to make a film and then there's being so bad that I, I, I don't, I don't even, why is the audio cutting out?! Whoops, looks like they accidentally got a good shot.

Reporter: In other news today, the population of polar bears is declining...

Jon: Hey. Hey, j... Hey, ju... Just move the camera down a bit. Just da, du, the c...the camera's a bit HIGH UP! Let me tell ya. If you were afraid you were going to miss even one bit of this guy's day, you can put those qualms to rest. You get to see literally everything he does! I'll say it. I'll say it, just in case someone out there doesn't know: you're not supposed to show your characters in traffic, and then getting gas, and then in traffic, and then getting a fucking banana, and then driving, and parking, what is this?!

Rod: Can I place your order today? Great, thanks! We appreciate your business. Woohoo!

Jon: Seriously?

Rick (mumbling): Hey, what's with all the noise?

Jon: I'm sorry, what was that?

Rick (mumbling): What's with all the noise?

Jon: I th-don't know what you're talking about.

Rod: Caught the big fish.

Rick: Yeah? How big was the sale?

Rod: One million dollars.

Rick: Awesome, man!

Rod: Biggest sale of my career.

Rick: I'm proud of you.

Jon: Oh my god... How far are we into this movie? 11 minutes? Ugh... This is gonna be a long day. So, literally, everything ever is going well for all the main characters at this point. Literally everyone is like, "Guess what! You won the prize!" "Oh my gwod!"

Receptionist: You are welcome. You, you worked very hard, so, here's your chance to impress them. Congratulations again!

Jon: It's so absurd I can barely comment. Here's a basketball scenes. There's no birds. Here's a car scene. There's no birds.

Jacques: Here's a bird. There's no birds.

Jon: How dare you... So then I guess, as is the logical progression, there's a scene where a guy comes to his house, and I'm, I'm tellin' all here, says he's from a solar panel company and then installs a solar panel on his house. Literally. That's the scene! Think there's any more? Think this is a set up to something good? No. This...Look, I'm fucking serious.

Salesman: Hi, my name is Sherry Owens. I'm from Solar Power Accessories.

Rod: Where are you gonna put it?

Salesman: Come and I'll show you. ... And that, sir, is where we're going to install your solar panel.

[BRILLIANCE.]

Jon: Let me lay this down for ya: Hitchcock, Kubrick, Coppola, Nguyen. Okay, let's... can we get to the romantic subplot already? Please.

Rod: This is for you.

Natalie: Thanks, that's sweet.

Rod: I work at a start-up company called NCT Software. Got the stock option. Hopefully, if the company makes it big...

Jon: Never mind! I take it back! Oh, j- Oh, jeez! Birds! It's happening. There's birds! I've never been happier to see a bird!

Jacques: Well, I'm right here.

[Jon kisses Jacques]

Jacques: You didn't have to do that but you did it anyways.

Jon: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Romance, romance, NO-mance if you know what I'm saying! Heph heph heph heph! So next up, the girl goes home to her mom which, can I say this? This is true loveliness. The woman playing the mother is just so sincere it hurts! Have a look.

Mom: What's that smile all about?

Jon: Mmmmmm!

Mom: Well, I can understand that, you know. Look, keep me...you know, keep me informed along the way!

Jon: It's the little things that keep you going. So now, randomly, we find ourselves in a boardroom meeting. Okay, what does this guy have to say?

Boss: Ladies and gentlemen, I have some great news. Our board of directors have agreed to the acquisition of NCT Software by Oracle Corporation for a billion dollars!

Jon: A billion dollars?!

Boss: Billion...

Jon: This is the most amazing scene in the entire movie. The sheer amount of non-understanding of said medium is astounding!

[NOW WITNESS THIS GLORY IN ITS ENTIRETY]

Boss: You guys, you guys have worked hard and you've all earned your stock option. Congratulations! ... You, you, you, you, you.

[Everyone continues to applaud]

[Still going...]

Rick: Chicks love cars! If you wanna get into their pants, you better have a nice hot Ferrari.

Rod: She's my hot Ferrari. Besides, I love my Mustang, which is a plug-in hybrid. It gets 100 mpg.

Jon: The new Ford Mustang. It is a plug-in hybrid. Apply now for 0% APR financing.

Rod: Man, that was a good movie. An Inconvenient Truth.

[FOR REAL?]

Jon: I've seen wooden actors. I've also seen wood, and nothing... NOTHING comes close to Femshep over here. I mean, the other actors in this movie aren't anything special, but they don't even come close to this guy's genuine level of awful. This guy reads his lines like he's trying to do a tribute to Bishop from Aliens.

Rod: Yeah, I earned it. All those big deals I did with NCT...

Bishop: That explains it, and the A2s were a bit twitchy.

Jon: How did... How, how did no one just be like, "Hey, hey hold on for a second. Does anyone else notice that this guy's the worst thing ever?" Did anyone? Is it just me? 'Cause if it's just me then I'll go walk off that cliff over there. In fact, I'm gonna do it anyways.

Mom: Oh, hi!

Natalie: Hi, mom!

Mom: Rod, Nat tells me that you are a very successful salesman.

Jon: This mom character, this mom character- I can't even put into words the feelings she makes me feel! It's like the director forgot if he was filming a movie or a documentary about the sweetest woman alive.

Rod: So are you enjoying your retirement?

Mom: Ah, I love the retirement. I was a jeweler for 30 years and sometimes I miss not going into the jewelry store. But, you know, I really like retirement. I like to travel, I like to cruise, um, and I enjoy watching television, and...

Jon: Is this acting? C-Can this be classified as acting? Did they just film her on her lunch break? No movie's complete without a 4 minute Wayne Brady dance scene.

Singer: Just hangin' out, hangin' out... Hangin' out with my family.

[THIS LITERALLY GOES ON FOR 2 MINUTES.]

Singer: Havin' ourselves a party!

[*CLAP*]

Singer: Just hangin' out...

Jon: Look at those moves! It looks like the tin man has found true love at last. Now, he just needs a brain. ... Oh...OHH...STOP! STOP! No, I'm serious, stop! this is infringing on my rights! You stop that foot shit right now! Okay, we are 40 minutes into this movie and I don't see any goddamn birds!

[Suddenly birds fly into the shot, and explosions occur]

Jon: Well, that's about enough life for me for one day, let me check the time, yeah, it's about that time.

[Jon gets up from his chair and falls]

Jon (VO): I take it back! Go back to when there weren't birds! Are these birds... dive bombing? Like 1940s kamikaze pilots? With...with, with plane sounds? This scene just shows up 40 minutes into the movie. Did, dvjhw-#@!$HAT?! Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce you to rock-bottom.

Ramsey: And here they come!

[Birds fly towards the characters as they wave wire hangers wildly at them]

[SRSLY?]

Jon: Well, I hope they're proud of themselves. They've done it. They've broke me. I have no words for this. The best part of this scene isn't even what we're seeing here. The best part is just imagining what was going through these actors' heads while they were literally just standing there, swatting at the air with wire hangars. So, then they fire some M4s at the air and some birds for a while. That happens for a while.

Rod: Hey, look. There's an old guy on the bridge.

Dr. Jones: Hey, stand back. These birds are contagious. Now, go away!

Keeper: What is your favorite color?

Jon: Man, this guy is really standing his ground as troll of the bridge. I don't think they're going to be able to get across.

Rod: Can we just talk about it at the, at the picnic area?

Dr. Jones: You wanna talk? Okay. Alright.

Jon: Oh, well, well, that was easy. So, tell us, Mr. Expository Scientist, what horror is causing this outbreak? Did they break out from some evil lab? Are they genetic mutations?

Dr. Jones: These birds?

Becky: Yes.

Dr. Jones: No way. They're dead from the, uh, bird flu virus. But what I do know is global warming is causing viral diseases such as bird flu, West Nile Virus, and SARS. But there is scientific evidence to show that because of our burning of fossil fuels and creating greenhouse gasses, which is causing global warming, it's raising the temperature of the seas and, and species like the krill are dying.

Jon: Okay! Hold on, now! Am I watching a horror movie or an episode of Nova Science Now? What is this shit? Watching this movie try to explain itself is like watching Miss South Carolina.

Caitlin Upton: I personally believe that...

Dr. Jones: Global warming is causing viral diseases...

Caitlin Upton: And, uh, that Iraq everywhere like such as...

Dr. Jones: Because of our burning of fossil fuels and creating greenhouse gasses...

Jon: Bird acid. Global warming and the fossil fuels is causing bird acid. I don't know about you but this is flawless.

Rod: Hi, the eagles killed our friends, uh, do you have a phone I could use to call the police?

Clerk: No, I'm sorry. All phones, from the eagle attack, all phones are dead up here.

Jon: Wow, are we in a real store right now? Would you do me a favor and just look how real this guy is. And brace it for me.

Rod: Well, we need some gas.

Clerk: Well, you know, from the eagle attack, we are short on gas, but it's $100 a gallon if you want.

Jon: That guy right there is probably the guy that actually runs the store. They probably just walked in and were like, "Deh, you wanna be in this movie?" And he's like, "I, I probably ain't, can't be in this movie." "This movie is a masterpiece!" It blurs the line between reality and fantasy, and we're just sorta stuck in its limbo. Its beautiful, beautiful limbo. So, after being stuck for a while in this post-apocalyptic bird future, they buy some gas and drive off on their way. And then we have a run in with a guy I like to call Coolhand McStoneface.

Cowboy: Howdy.

Rod: Hi.

Cowboy: Can you sell me some gas for my truck?

Jon: You think you could move a few of those muscles?

Rod: Sorry, but we need it.

Cowboy: [He pulls out a gun and points it at Rod.] You're gonna sell me some gas now.

Rod: Whoa, take it easy, take it easy!

Jon: Whoa, man, those are some serious demands! "I'm gonna pay you extra for that gas whether you like it or not." And then he gets his neck sliced by a falcon. Yeah, I, I love it. Do you not? C-Can you not? Uh, guys, you ca-, you, you can grab that gas. You ca-, you're lea-, you're leaving it. You're le-, you're leaving it! So next they make their way to the forest to try and escape this birdemic as it were. And then, of course, what else? They meet a friendly forest creepman who informs them about...beetles?...eating the trees?

Tom: Even worse, the Spruce Bark beetles are eating these trees to death and turning them from green to red. I remember when those beetle used to die out during the winter.

[MAXIMUM ???????????]

Jon: Oh my god... Every character in this movie speaks in run-on sentences. I'm sorry, I wasn't aware this movie was written by Charlotte Bronte.

[SMART JOKE]

Josh: Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. Jon used our joke.

Nick: That's some dirty shit.

Paul: I know, man, that's our joke.

Nick: No, man. The book, man. It's dirty as fuck, man. Keep reading.

Paul: Oh, yeah, this is pretty good. King Misfit whipped out his hellacious cock.

Nick: You know, I have the weirdest boner right now.

Jon: I just don't get it. Why did the director feel such a strong conviction toward setting an environmentalist message. It's not even subtle.

Tony: So, you're a tree hugger?

Jon: Shit, for a guy who's such an environmentalist, he sure did drive a lot of cars around in his movie... for a long time.

Tom: I hear a mountain lion. I gotta get back to my house, you better get to your car.

Jon: Okay, good. Sure, I'll buy it. Move on.

Rod: Dammit! We ran out of gas!

Jon: Oh! I don't know what could've helped you out there. So, a whole lot of absolutely nothing happens, then they fight some more birds, and then... just like that? The birds retreat? Duh...uh, are we done? I- Is it over?! Hm, that looks familiar.

[...]

Jon: Yeah, it was probably a good idea to leave this shot hanging for so long. Is the cameraman dead? Is he dead? Am I dead? Let me check my pulse. Yeah, this movie killed me.

I mean I'm not gonna lie. I still find more enjoyment in movies like The Room and Troll 2. But I think this movie holds its own among the terror-bad titans that we've grown to love. Through all the putrid editing, horrible special effects, non-existent sound editing, cinematography of a toddler, droning music, cardboard characters, preachy as FUCK environmental message, and everything else wrong with it, there's just something charming and lovable about it. If you could say one thing for this film, I guess you could go ahead and say, "It's about birds." But on the other hand, if you wanted to say something that made you sound like a critic that wanted to feel important about himself, I guess you could call it "earnest".

So there you have it. The best worst movie ever- oh my god! What's that?! Get it away! Who brought-?!