Conan the Barbarian

Jon reviews several Conan the Barbarian games in his basement, in an attempt to find one of them that is good.

Synopsis
Jon begins with a voice over with no video announcing that he is destined to play the games nobody else wants to. JonTron is playing a barbarian, complete with sword and headpiece. Jon is asked what the best thing about life is. Jon replies to crush and kill enemies. The questioner is shocked. Jon discusses the movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Beginning with Conan: Hall of Volta (Commodore 64), Jon states that he is in his basement because it is the birthplace of fantasy. Jon is glad that Conan and Volta appear on the screen, otherwise, the title would be very misleading. Suddenly, an avian ally appears, Jon tries to get Jacques to see, but he left him upstairs. It cuts to Jacques when Paul is delivering his medicine. Jacques kills him with lasers. This game is just like any other Commodore 64 game, primitive and clunky - until the boomerang sword appears. Every time you die you get a frightening message such as "Your Struggles are in Vain" and "You beat a heated retreat".

Jon switches to Conan The Cimmerian for MS-DOS. Jon is excited by the title screen, only to be disappointed by the long wall of text of scrolls with flesh colored ink. He is then excited by the woman with breasts. Jon is angered when Conan decides not to attack a merchant. He can only use his sword on a rug, not on an enemy. Jon quickly gets frustrated by the stupid mechanics the game throws at him.

Finally, Jon plays Conan for NES. The mechanics in this game are confusing. Jon wants to try and find the people who made these controls (down long jumps, A+ down picks up items!). This game is based on Myth for the Commodore 64, but it has much better music than this game. Jon dances to the music from Myth with his sword. Jon really wants to find one good Conan game and commands his sword finds him one.

The sword summons Conan for Xbox Live. Jon starts playing and he is excited at how good it is.