Waterproofing My Life With FLEX TAPE/Transcript

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[The episode starts off with Jon doing...something on a computer, only to have his blood bag (which is present for yet unknown reasons) begin spilling onto the computer, causing it to short-circuit.]

Jon: Augh! I hate it when my computer combusts because my own blood for my blood bag is spilling on my computer! Ah! If only there was some way to fix this!

[A hand with noticeable black nails comes up and sloppily slaps a piece of Flex Tape onto the compromised blood bag, "fixing" it.]

Jon: Of course! The solution was Flex Tape!

[The hand gives Flex Tape a thumbs up] [Cuts to Jon looking at the viewer]

Jon: Flex Tape. Okay you heard about this stuff? I mean this is basically have you heard of Jesus?!? Well even He couldn't do as much as Flex Tape, apparently. I had never heard of Flex Tape until I was in the pub, and out of the corner of my eye I happened to catch, uh, this infomercial about Flex Tape, so I’m gonna let Phil do the talking for you, cuz I want you to- I want you to be a sold on Flex Tape as I am. Disclaimer: I am not actually sponsored in any way by Flex Tape, although I wish I was... [winks] Call me.

Flex Tape
Jon: Alright I’m just gonna let you enjoy this for yourself. Here we go this is Flex Tape.

[Infomercial of Flex Tape plays with Phil Swift introducing the product to the viewers]

Phil Swift: Hi, Phil Swift here for Flex Tape, the super strong waterproof tape!

[Phil slaps the piece of Flex Tape over the hole of a water tank]

Phil: That can instantly patch, bond, seal, and repair!

[A part of Nightwish - Ghost Love Score plays as the clip replays once]

Tourettes Guy: OH SHIT!

[After another replay of the clip, it ends, going back to Jon]

Jon: You gotta love it. It's always a guy like Phil Swift, Johnny Starr. You never get another guy coming out like "It's me, Josephi Krakowski with Flex Tape"!

Phil: Leaky pipes can cause major damage, but Flex Tape grips on tight and bonds instantly. Plus, Flex Tape's powerful adhesive is so strong...

[Phil puts a piece of Flex Tape underwater, repairing one of the leaks in another water tank]

Phil: It even works underwater!

Jon: You still left the other one, Phil!

[The same clip shows again, this time zooming into the tank, then to Phil himself]

Jon VO: You've done half a job and you got a full smile!

[Next clip shows a repaired car driving through sprinkling water]

Phil: Flex Tape keeps its grip even in the toughest conditions!

Jon: That is not the toughest conditions. That looks like you're going through a car wash. Who’ya think you foolin’?

[Next clip plays, showing a branch falling onto the rooftop] [A startled Jon jumps backward.]

Phil: Big storms can-

Jon: Alright, THAT might be the toughest conditions! You scared me! That wasn't even— does this have anything to do with Flex Tape? Are you alright, Phil?

[Other clips show the inside and outside of the pool, inside a boat, and an RV.]

Phil: Flex Tape is perfect for marine, campers, and RVs.

Jon: I love on these commercials literally it's like “you could just use this on anything! Ah, open heart surgery! [Cuts to video of an open heart surgery] Guys got an artery going? [Cuts back to Jon softly slamming the table] Flex Tape!”

Well honestly what they should do in these infomercials is just tell you what it can't do- just tell you the three or four things that Flex Tape can't fix— “a broken marriage! Even then, shown- shown to be slightly more effective than placebo!”

[Clip shows Phil Swift lifting a forty-five pound barbel weight with one hand and a piece of Flex Tape secured to the side of the weight]

Phil: Flex Tape is super strong!

[Cuts to Jon, surprised at what he saw]

Jon: Flex Tape ain't super strong, Phil! You're super strong!

[Cuts, returning to Phil lifting the barbel weight]

Phil: And once it's on, it holds on tight!

Jon: I got a couple of pictures.. of Phil on... in my house on the wall. May or may not have Photoshopped his undies off... [Jon begins to smile creepily] Might have may or may not have Photoshopped his wiener on... [Begins to laugh, then his face turns into a slightly, serious tone.] I've done it though, really, it's serious. It's a problem.

[Cuts to Phil with a saw]

Phil: To show you the power of Flex Tape, [The sound of the saw ensues, then it stops, followed by Phil pushing the perfectly symmetrical halves of the boat onto the floor] I sawed this boat in half!

[Cuts back to Jon putting his right leg over his left knee]

Jon: Phil what does that have to do with tape? No okay- I want to- tell me how the fuck- what does that got to do with Flex Tape?

Phil: I sawed this boat in half! And repaired it with only Flex Tape!

Jon: You repaired it with ONLY Flex Tape. I'm sure you did.

[Clip then shows Phil riding on the repaired boat on the water]

Phil: YE DOGGIE!

Jon: And you're on the boat! He's on the fucking boat! I'm sorry. Does that say "12 inch wide Flex Tape used on both inside and outside of the boat"? Oh, see, you gotta make sure you use it both on the inside and the outside. There is no fucking way that the only thing they use to put that boat back together is Tape. I-I will eat my-I'll eat my fucking Flex Tape.

[Clip shows the ending of the commercial]

Phil: Imagine everything you can do with the power of Flex Tape!

[Jon shows up with Flex Tape in his hand]

Jon: Alright, I got Flex Tape. For real, let's see if this works.

[Jon turns on the sink in the bathroom]

Jon: Alright. I no longer want water.

[He puts a strip of Flex Tape on the sink's faucet, with some water leaking]

Jon: Oh, shit! Okay, moment of truth.

[He turns on the shower and puts a strip of Flex Tape onto the faucet, again, with some water leaking]

Jon: Oh, jeez.

[Clip shows to Jon attempting to smother his cat.]

Jon: C’mere… c’mere now… plug up those eyes that nose is STILL BREATHING!

[Finally, cuts to a clip showing pictures of two infamous leakers, Edward Snowden and Julien Assange. Jon uses the strip of Flex Tape on the picture, literally covering it up.]

Jon: There we go... all patched up.

[Super Smash Bros Homerun Bat sound with EPIC JOKE showing]

Flex Seal: Liquid
Jon: The next one we have is Flex Seal... Flex Seal liquid let's have a look at this. Oh great Phil, our Prometheus... what fire of knowledge do you bring us mortals today?

[The Flex Seal Liquid infomercial begins playing.]

Phil: Phil Swift here with Flex Seal — the easy way to stop leaks fast!

[Camera zooms in on the Flex Sealed colander and then cuts to Jon]

Jon: It's a colander, Phil. It's supposed to, uh... have holes and leaks. What you've done is essentially you've made a bowl.

Phil: The easy way to stop leaks fast!

Jon: '''Phil! you make me angry, Phil!''' [Jon kicks something and grabs a pan] Could’ve just grabbed one of these, Phil! Don't need Flex Seal! Look at its curvature! The easy way to have a bowl without creating one out of a colander!

[Cuts to Phil demonstrating that Flex Seal Liquid can be poured into cracks.]

Phil: And now, there's Flex Seal Liquid, the super thick rubber that you can pour right in the cracks.

Jon: You could! You could- pour it right into cracks. You could do that, [philosophical voice]  but why ? Why would you do that? Why would you do any of that?

[Cuts to Phil dipping a wooden hammer's handle into a tube of Flex Seal Liquid]

Phil: Even dip all your tools, for a tough no-slip grip.

Jon: Even dip all your tools?! I can understand the other two, like, there's some application, but how do you go from like “you can stop water from going through cracks... weatherproof some of your outdoor materials.... dip your tools in this shit, I don't know!”

[Cuts to Jon with a drill which he claims is worthless in it's current state]

Jon: This product is worthless in it's current state. [Dips a drill into the bucket of Flex Seal Liquid.] Now that's good... just get that right in there, just soak that right up. Now you could basically see that [spinning drill] this is- a 100% improved product, thank you Flex Seal.

[BUT WAIT!! THERE'S MORE!!] [Cuts to Jon with his glove off, holding a bottle of alcohol.]

Jon: Grandpa been hitting the sauce a little too much? Think he's a little too old for that? [dips the bottle's lid into the bucket, pulling it out.] Done. He ain't getting in there.

[GRANDPAS HATE HIM!!!, accompanied by the Super Mario 64 pain sound] [Finally, Jon shows up wearing a glove holding a fork.]

Jon: Broken item. [Dips the fork in the bucket, pulls it out.] Fixed.

[Camera zooms in on the fork with money falling]

Phil: To show you the power of Flex Seal Liquid-

[Cuts to Jon]

Jon: Here it comes. Heeere it comes...

[Cuts back to Phil with an airboat made of screen]

Phil: We made this entire airboat and covered it in Flex Seal Liquid!

Jon: Another boat? Are you serious?

[Cuts to Phil riding on another boat.]

Phil: After a day on the water—

Jon: Aaaaand he's riding it again. Phil, you did not just roll some Flex Seal on that and go out in fucking gator-infested waters. I know you didn't. Uh, disclaimer: multiple coats used. Yeh, we didn't just, you know, slap some of that shit on and send it out.

Phil: And the inside is completely dry!

[Cuts to Jon mimicking what he thinks Phil would actually be like if this were really the case.]

Jon: “I can scarcely believe this is working at all! I guarantee you, in a minute or two, this whole operation's gonna come apart I’m gonna fall the water I- I might go blind for life!”

Flex Seal: Extreme Bucket Demo
Jon: All right, we got one more here, we got the FLEX SEAL Extreme Bucket Demo. Anything with the words extreme and bucket— you know it's gonna be good.

[Cuts to Phil wearing safety glasses and holding a knife, sound quality of the video gets a little louder this time.]

Phil: You may have seen a few people test Flex Seal—

Jon: Okay he’s go- he’s lost it. It’s over.

Phil: HAHAHA... [begins to stab the bottom of the bucket with a knife.]

Jon: Phil I knew for the moment I saw you slapping tape on holes, you mighta had a- [points to temples] had a couple holes up here! You needed some *slaps temples* Flex Tape for, you know I'm saying... keep the demons from getting out.

[As he stabs the bottom of the bucket with a knife, the blurb appears and reads "Don't Try This."] [Cuts to Jon]

Jon: Don't try- don't try this. DON’T TRY THIS… [clip replays] It's not even a don't try this at home... just "DON’T try this." Phil, he's gone insane, he came in here earlier with a knife and a chainsaw. Please, help! [typing] Send help!

[Cuts to Phil stabbing the bucket for the third time]

Phil: That's a lot of damage!

Jon: That's a LOTTA DAAA MIDGE!

[Cuts to Phil again]

Phil: That's a lot of damage!

Jon: It's not that much damage, really, Phil… It’s not... c- could be a lot worse.

Phil: How about a little more?

Jon: OH! he’s goin’ for the chainsaw.

Phil: AHAHAHA! [begins to destroy the bottom with a chainsaw and the blurb reappears, now with the addendum, "Seriously" in front of it.]

Jon: Seriously, DO NOT try- never attempt this! '''Phil has gone too far! He has sniffed too much Flex Glue, and now all he can see is Martians!'''

Phil: AHAHAHA! NOW, THAT"S A LOT OF DAMAGE! Let's see if it's gonna leak! [attempts to fill the damaged bucket with water, and well and behold, it leaks.] Yep! It leaks!

Jon: Yeah, it leaks. It leaks. Definitely leaks. Goin’... the water, is coming out the bottom, it’s leaking. Leaks.

[Cuts to Phil spraying the inside of the bucket with Flex Seal.]

Phil: Alright, let's seal it with Flex Seal. All you need to do is just spray a nice, even coating.

Jon: All you gotta do, just spray that round... squirt it round, get it nice and even… Before you know it,  you have your bucket baaaaaack! that you destroyed you'll get that  baaaaaack!

[Cuts to the blurb that reads "If You Still Have A Leak, NO PROBLEM! Just Add More Coats.]

Phil: If you test it and there's still a little leak, you may need to add a few more coats.

Jon: After all that Flex Spray, man, you're gonna have no bucket left!

[Cuts to a a skit of Jon playing a man who spent $356.87 on Flex Seal.]

Man who spent $356.87 on Flex Seal: You know, friends or family would ask me, uh, you know, why didn't you just buy a new bucket, or not destroy the one you had? You know, I’d just turn ‘em and say… speaks for itself done’it? [struggles to lift the bucket full of solid Flex Seal] No replacement for that, I tell you what. [hardly manages to pour a cup full of water into the bucket.] Look at that, look at that look at how it holds that water, it's just as good as new! [struggles to pick up the bucket.] I scarcely notice a difference!

[Cuts to Phil spraying the inside of the bucket.]

Phil: Once it's dry, hit it again. Just give it time. Have patience.

Jon: Have patience, it's not a miracle product. SLAP ON THAT FLEX TAPE! It's not a fucking miracle! SLAP IT ON WITH THE MIGHT OF ZEUS! What do you- just have some fucking patience?!

[Cuts to Phil]

Phil: Wow, we had to repair a lot of damage. Let's take a look.

Jon: Phil, you keep alluding to the- to the amount of damage you've done to the bucket. I know you got a bit of a Rambo complex, alright, I- It's not that serious.

Phil: We'll look inside. Well, this is where the knife went through.

Jon: Oh, you're just gonna show that on live television? You’ve got a full- full bucket autopsy here! Have you thought of the family of the bucket? How are they gonna feel seeing that on the nightly news?

[Cuts to Jon threatening the bucket with a knife.]

Jon: “Yeah, I bet you wish you were a little nicer to me now, huh? Used to call me Eduardo- Squidwardo behind my back you think I DIDN’T NOTICE, HUH? I’M GONNA GIVE YOU LOTS OF DAMAGE!” I feel like I could actually- actually kill myself this way by stabbing directly into my heart so I'm gonna probably- I’m gonna stop, for real.

[Cuts to the shower faucet spraying water into the bucket.]

Phil: Wow. There's absolutely no leaks. It's completely dry.

Jon: Oh, look at that, the water’s going in the bucket and it's being a bucket.

Phil: Now, that's amazing. Cameraman, you checking this out?

[Cuts to Jon]

Jon: Cameraman, you see that? you see-? Couple of turd stains and a jizz napkin in there? Never seen anything like it!

Phil: You know, Flex Seal is an amazing product. If you fill all the cracks and holes and you let it dry completely, Flex Seal works.

Jon: If you do the thing, and you do it right, and you don't fuck it up, it works!! It just works!!

[Cuts to Jon putting Flex Tape on his butt]

Jon: Slap it on my butt. Keep that poo in for as long as you can! When it finally comes out, by golly, that's gonna feel like the best shit you've ever taken! This is Phil Swift with Flex Tape, I'm a prostitute!

[Stops with a blurb below reading #1 Prostitute Approved, accompanied by the CALL NOW!!! blurb and a phone number saying 1-800-BUTTPAL.]

Woman: Call for free anal consultation.

[Screen cuts to the credits]

Post-Credits
Jon:[covered in Flex Tape, pours water on himself] Just let me die! [runs around the house.] Just let me die! [runs into the bathroom] Let me die in peace! [in the shower] I'm perfect! I'm too perfect! '''This is what happens when you try to play GOD! AAAAAAAUUGH!''' [screen cuts to black]