JonTron's StarCade: Episode 5 - The Phantom Menace Games/Transcript

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Jon (VO): Star Wars: Episode I. A film that famously lives in infamy. And I do mean Infamy. From Gungans to Midi-chlorians, I think it's safe to say this movie spawned more social outrage than the burning of the Great Library of Alexandria. And that was real bad. All my favorite books got burned up in that. Like this coloring book, for example, Mustaches of the Former Soviet Union.

Jon: It only comes with the crayon brown.

Jon (VO): Better not color outside the lines or else papa will have to go back to a concrete hole in the ground.

When people were watching this film, they had to be saying to themselves, I wish I could experience this for myself! I wish I could be there! Little did they know, their wish was already granted.

Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace (PS1)
Jon (VO): This is Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace for PS1...Okay.

It's kind of rare to get a game like this, it's not some spin-off, it's actually just Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace. And yeah, I pretty much is a scene by scene in the spirit of the movie, but obviously, there are some deviations.

First most glaring difference, of course, being the inclusion of wobbly pixelly chimp face.

Jon: Not that I have anything against that, it's just that you're all absolutely bone-chillingly deformed.

Obi-Wan: What is that gas coming out of the floor?

TC-14: It is excess steam from our troublesome ventilation system.

Jon (VO): Hmm, that's interesting because it looks an awful lot like poison to me.

TC-14: I apologize for any discomfort.

Jon (VO): No you don't, you son of a bitch.

This game would have been fun had it not been for the vomit-educing top-down angle that is at a slight tilt and way too close to your character. It's hard to tell where or what anything is, and if you do find out what to do, you'll still have nausea to deal with.

[LOL WHAT.]

Jon (VO): Ho ho, oh my god. What is going on that way? Yeah, I don't want to have anything to do with that, Obi-Wan, let's take path number 2.

Obi-Wan: *Screams*

Jon (VO): Holy shit! Obi-Wan, you gonna be alright, bro? You gonna be able to walk that one off?

Jon: So, this is canon then, yeah? How'd they get him back together for episodes II & III?

Jar Jar: Mesa clumsy, but mesa still help.

Jon (VO): Oh, Jar Jar. Your so quirky and lovable.

Jar Jar: Follow mesa. You sure doing grand.

Jon (VO): Anything for you buddy, let's go.

(Droids shoot at Jar Jar)

Jon (VO): Oh no, Jar Jar run!

[Jar Jar has been killed]

Jon: So long Jar Jar. He hardly knew you. Before you were viciously murdered by an actual firing squad. In an official Star Wars game for real.

Jon (VO): Most of this game is just traversing the landscapes of the film with familiar characters. It's a bit slow and clunky at times but I've played much worse.

I do find it interesting that they tried to do a scene by scene, but I don't know that it works. Which events happened then, the ones in the movie or the ones in this game? Split timeline much?

The graphics are generally appealing for PS1 though, and the environments are varied so... eh, whatever, ill give it a pass.

Star Wars Episode I: Jedi Power Battles (PS1)
Next up we have Jedi Power Battles where Sam Jackson looks like he just encountered a large spider, and Obi-Wan looks like he's listening to his friend's parents fight during an awkward family dinner.

Woman: I work, I work...

Man: You don't work. You work on your hair is what you work on.

Woman: I don't care about that.

Jon (VO): You can choose from all your favorite characters. Mace Windu, Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon Jinn and...Plo...Pyo...Pyo...Pyo Koon? What, you don't know who this guy is here, you have been living under a rock or something, like, probably he has because he's a godforsaken creature of the night?!

At first glance, I'm not exactly sure what the difference is between this and the last game, it looks and plays very similarly. But I can say that this one is definitely a lot less disorientating. It's got a much better field of view, I suppose this game can be described as more arcade-like in nature?

There are some minor platforming elements mixed in but it's mostly just about dismembering your enemies in style.

(Coin laughs)

Jon (VO): What are you laughing at, Yoda? Something funny? Something you want to share with the class?

(Coin laughs again)

Jon (VO): Are you laughing at me?

Jon: So what, I'm funny now? I'm a funny guy just because I'm dressed like a clown? I suppose you think I shouldn't have a gun either!

Star Wars Flash games!
Jon (VO): There also exists flash games about the prequels, I could find any worth mentioning on Episode I, but there are a few based on Revenge of the Sith.

Jedi vs. Jedi: Blades of Light
Jon (VO): The first one being called Jedi vs. Jedi: Blades of Light

(Shows Obi-Wan and Anakin fighting)

Jon: Ha ha ha ha!

I'm sorry! I didn't mean to interrupt you boys, I can see you're busy!

Jon (VO): Obi-Wan! Anakin! Do you not remember your days of friendship? What has brought you to such savage violence? I can't look!

Occasionally one of them will fall over like a child and then get back up. Come on guys, play clean, keep it above the belt, don't make me come in there.

Well, there is a reason that this looks so strange. These flash games were based on a marketing campaign around toys for Episode III. To animate this, it looks like they posed the actual toys in stop motion. No, like, this thing they're standing on even, in the background, you can actually buy that. Comes with the orange goo and everything.

Obi-Wan: You were my brother, Anakin! I loved you.

Star Wars Revenge Of the Sith: Scene Bot
Jon (VO): While we're already looking at these weird flash games, there's another one that ties in with the toys, Revenge of the Sith: Scene Bot. I think it's actually supposed to be called George Lucas: Special Edition Simulator. Why make one movie when you can just keep adding to the same one forever?

Just put...just put that there. One here. More. MORE. It must be perfect. Never clean. NEVER CLEAN! The past never happened, I'm in control of my life! (explosion)

Star Wars Episode I: The Gungan Frontier
Jon (VO): But I know what you're saying. Where's a guy gonna get a Gungan game, huh? Well fear not, The Gungan Frontier is here for you.

Boss Nass: Which of yousa will help us?

Jon (VO): Hmm. It's a hard choice, given that both the prospective candidates seem to contract a bad case of rigor mortis.

Boss Nass: Yousa be needing to know bombad many thing to make wesa a new home on the Moon.

Jon: *spits* The Moon!?

Boss Nass: The Moon.

Jon: Might want to scale back your expectations a little bit?

Boss Nass: Whosa gonna be?

Jon (VO): Oh, come on man, have some patience already. Who do I look like to you, Buzz Aldrin? This-This takes a decent amount of planning. I don't even know where to start.

Boss Nass: Mesa give yousa a sacred creature, holder of much knowledge. The Kresch!

Jon (VO): You know that's alright, I think you can hold onto that, you know I'm not gonna think twice about it.

Okay, what is going on here? There's the Kresch. Did not ask for him. That's good though.

Alright, let's-wooh. That guy is bigger than described on the uh, the ledger there. Okay, let's get two of those guys, maybe they'll make a family.

Alright, what's the Kresch do-oh god! Please tell me that's the only time that happens. Alright, Ronto, he's pretty nice, whatever. Rutiger Tree, very, very, it's a healthy tree.

Okay. I do not- I really- I do not know what is going on here. That is, this is something else.

Oh, who was that?

Oh come on Jar Jar, leave me alone for a second, I'm over here trying to plant your dad a new moon!

Listen, this game is great with all its, uh, putting trees down and... Pikobis, but it doesn't really hold a candle my personal favorite Gungan adventure/spiritual experience, Jar Jar's Jar Jar Jar.

Oh, shh, here he goes. He's gonna get it. He's gonna get it this time. Ah, poor little guy, he can never get that jar open.

Podracing games!
Jon (VO): But what about the art of the podrace? To the dismay of some, it played a huge part in the first prequel movie.

I always loved podracing, in fact, I think of all the scenes in the prequel trilogy, Anakin's podrace against Sebulba is easily my favorite. Each podracer is built uniquely for the character designated to it, so there's a very visceral sense of tension and imminent danger that adds to the drama. At any moment, your favorite player could be torn to shreds! And that's really what we all want deep down, isn't it?

Jon: Wow, I can do this all day, it's an amazing and -OH GOD!

Star Wars Episode I: Racer (N64)
Jon (VO): This is Star Wars Episode I: Racer for the N64. I don't know why they called it "racer" and not "podracer", I guess they thought that people would associate pods with peas, and, let's face it, no one likes those things.

Jon: Look at this peas of shit.

(Jon throws them on the ground and stomps on it)

Jon (VO): It's hard to squish the frozen ones, I can't do it.

Now I remember, in this game, you got to buy pieces from Watto to improve your pod racer. You know. Watto. The blue guy that looks like if Gonzo from The Muppets had sex with Jeff Goldblum from The Fly. Eugh. EUGH! Oh god, get it out of my head. Life finds away.

Watto: They come here, they look around, they no buy, why nobody buy? Eeeee...

Jon (VO): Oh, say I don't know. Maybe it's got something to do with the fact that it sounds like you're about to take yourself outback and go drink bleach.

The feeling of speed they were able to accomplish here is impressive given that it was N64. The controls were tight too. It felt like an accurate recreation of a pod race which, I'm assuming is what they were going for. And not to mention there were tons of awesome locations to race in and a multitude of racers to chose from. I think it's safe to say, I love this one.

Oh! Looks like Anakin won't be making it to Episode II after all.

Star Wars Episode I: Racer (GBC)
Jon (VO): They also made a GameBoy Color version of this that opens up with a sweet remix of Duel of the Fates.

The game itself isn't much to write home about though.

Ah, yes. So this is the sound of true death.

Star Wars: Super Bombad Racing (PS2)
Jon: Well, I guess that's it. That's all of them. Tune in next time on-

(Jon hears music)

Jon: Super Bombad Racing? That can't be good.

Jon (VO): What is going on here? What's a 'bombad'?

I don't know, who was in charge of this, but there are clearly an unrecognized genius. You had like, all the Star Wars lexicon and you chose this? You went with bombad? Is that some sort of artistic thing you guys have got going on here? Don't want to be too cliché? No, it's all good, really, you guys just keep doing you.

No, but I can't move past this part because what's a 'bombad'? Is it these things Jar Jar's riding on, is that a bombad? Well, no actually because that's what's known as a Tribubble bongo. See, I've done my research. I took to the internet to see what a 'bombad' could be after all, and it turns out, 'bombad' may refer to the Gungan word for a "superb"? So this game's title literally translates to "Super Superb Racing." What can I say, that's pretty super superb in itself.

Stop it, come on, why are you looking at me like that?

Jar Jar: Mesa back! Mesa bursting with happiness seeing yousa again! This is very very bad. Oh No!

Jon: *Gasp*

(Then Jar Jar raved)

Jar Jar: Oops...