Japanese Shoot 'Em Ups/Transcript

Video Here ---\/ (Title card shows Jon with Cinnamon and Jaqcues flying on either side in standard shoot 'em up format. The Samurai Zombie Nation cartridge and the cases for Keio Flying Squadron and Cho Aniki appear as enemies. Jaqcues fires off some shots, even destroying one of Keio Flying Squadron's CD projectiles, then Jon fires off a charged beam at the Keio case, destroying it before the screen fades to black.)

Jon (VO): The Japanese make some crazy shit. And well, what can you expect? They've lived isolated on an island for like, what, thousands of years? Your brain's bound to make up some weird stuff.

Jon (VO): This one time I saw Tom Hanks was livin' on an island, he became best friends with a ball! A BALL! And he was only there for, like, a couple of years! Eh- Can you imagine how many tentacles this ball woulda had comin' out if you give him a couple more decades on that island?

Jon (VO): But nowhere was this craziness better exemplified than the Japanese shoot 'em up genre. And to them, this meant no holds barred. You could make a game about an artichoke that shoots... s- s- Scud missiles and it probably sell. In fact, I think that exists... I think I have that; it's a pl- it's a platinum-selling.

Jon: Ah, the memories with this one. I- I still have the nightmares!

Jon (VO): Well, you got your classics like Galaxian and Galaga, the mothers of all modern shoot 'em ups. You got your arcade favorites like Raiden, TwinBee, R-Type, and Gradius. And then there are the ones that are a little more out there, like Space Harrier or Parodius. Now, most of them at least make some sense, but those aren't the ones we're talkin' about today. We're gonna look at some of the weirder games this genre has to offer.

Fantasy Zone (Master System)
Jon: Let's start with Fantasy Zone, a classic example of the sub-genre known as cute 'em ups.

Jon (VO): Your objective is to destroy flowers and pollen and I dunno, bugs 'n stuff. They're all really cute and it makes me feel bad, because maybe I'm really the bad guy?

Jon (VO): This one stands out because you can travel in both directions, which was a pretty significant deviation from the normal side-scrolling or vertical-scrolling shooter back then. You bounce back and forth and blow up enemies to collect coins. Classic! You buy power-ups for your ship, fight a boss, and advance to the next level.

Jon (VO): What's interesting here is that it's structured like an iPhone game or even like a Flash game. And we all know how popular those kinds of games have become in recent years, so popular the market's oversaturated to the brim.

Jon (VO): Thirty years worth of foresight? Damn, Sega! Want to use that- some o' that nowadays? Some of tha- some of that on this? (shows the Sonic Boom characters) Fuck's goin' on wit y'all?

Jon (VO): The ship in this game, adorably named Opa-Opa, has actually been considered to be one of Sega's first mascot characters. Wow! To think this guy's up there with the likes of Alex Kidd, Sonic the Hedgehog, and Billy the Sex Offender! What, did you- Did you forget about that guy? Well, I didn't. I'll never forget, Sega.

(A tree stump like boss appears and spews small green projectiles in bursts.)

Jon (VO): Hey, WOAH! Maybe you take some Pepto-Bismol before you come into work! Jeez, e- I-... Spittin' peas all over the dang place!

Panorama Cotton (Genesis)
Jon: Next up is a game called Panorama Cotton, a game about, uh... Y'know?

Jon (VO): Cotton, I guess? And panor- uhhh, panoramic pictures...? Those are nice.

Jon (VO): Lemme tell you, the story here is one for the ages. Like, uh, ohhh... Alright, what's that? Yeah...? Okay. Yeah. Alright, I'm- I'm into it.

(A scantily-clad female character appears and gives some dialogue in Japanese, all the while showing off her pretty glaring cleavage.)

Jon (VO): Oh, now THAT'S what I'm talkin' about! Alright, that's all the motivation I need. Let's get this show on the road.

(The main character, Cotton, appears and seems to throw a tantrum.)

Jon (VO): Man, I don't know exactly what... but some shit is going down right now.

(The scene transitions immediately into Panorama Cotton's pseudo-3D gameplay.)

Jon (VO): Woah! (chuckles) Woah, woah, OKAY! Alright, that's good! Yeah... I think I know where I am again now.

(Scene transitions to another level, this time with moving walls that Cotton must dodge, but doesn't do it effectively.)

Jon (VO): Oh! Wait, no, I was wrong. Still d- absolutely confused.

Jon (VO): This game's kinda like Space Harrier, actually, and surprisingly it's... pretty fun to play. It feels good to move, speed up, slow down, and grab the power-ups.

(Jon collides with an enemy, losing a life and showing a very suggestive Cotton.)

Cotton (in-game): QUEEEEEEEEEF!

Jon (VO): Oh, a- now that was just inappropriate.

Harmful Park (PS1)
Jon: Alright, what's next on the bill? Uh, let's see... Harmful Park. High-brow Gag & Pure Shooting.

Jon: I mean, sho- Should I be holding this? Like, can I- Can I show this on this show? This is fucked up, dude.

Jon (VO): "High-brow Gag & Pure Shooting"? Sounds like we're talkin' about an aristocratic serial killer. What is that supposed to mean?

(Cuts to the intro cutscene, showing an amusement park that is possibly the titular "Harmful Park".)

Jon (VO): Oh, okay. So "Harmful Park" refers to the fact that we are literally in a theme park... that is dangerous... as in it is filled with enemies that will harm you.

Jon: Oh, I get it now! It's like my other favorite game: (pulls out an NES cartridge, which is basically The Legend Of Zelda with Jon's new title) True Sword & Lots Magic: Adventure Boy!

Jon (VO): Bizarre nomenclature aside, this game is amazing! I mean, i- i- this is simply one of the best shoot 'em ups I've ever played, and I've never heard of it up until now.

Jon (VO): You got weapons like Pie, which is throwing pies; Ice, okay, that's totally ice we're lookin' at; Potato?? And J- um... Jerry...? JERRY?!!

Jon: JON'S GETTIN' UPSET!

Jon (VO): I'm willing to take a guess they meant Jelly, like in jelly beans, 'cause that's what it looks like you're shooting.

(Scene shows boss in the form of a blue whale that shoots various objects from its mouth that it likely swallowed beforehand.)

Jon (VO): Oh my God.

(Scene shows another boss, this time a Frankenstein's Monster with one hand at the bottom of the screen and the other at the right. Its eyes roll up and the top of its head opens to reveal a cat that fires yellow balls and is protected by a dome-like structure.)

Jon (VO): Well, this guy's got a cat living in his head, so that might explain the whole angry thing there.

(The boss then flips both middle fingers at Jon which shoot purple lasers at the player character, causing her to let out a scream as she flies out of the exploding ship to the left of the screen.)

Player Character (In-Game): AAAAAAAAH!

Jon: (sigh) That Frankenstein... just flipped me the double bird... and then lasers came out.

(Shows the lasers and explosion again, this time zooming in on both middle fingers one at a time.)

Player Character (In-Game): AAAAAAAAH!

Jon: Two can play at that game!

(Pulls out Jacques and Cinnamon, who both shoot lasers out of their eyes which produce the Mass Effect Reaper laser sound as the screen shakes.)

Jon (VO): Now, I'm gonna wager the only truly harmful thing in this park is me. Y'know, the lady shootin' lasers at everything-- Okay.

(A massive explosion from a boss erupts as the screen zooms in on it, transitioning to the next game.)

Keio Flying Squadron (Sega CD)
Jon: Next up is a game called Keio Flying Squadron for the Sega CD. Least this one has a somewhat normal name.

(The in-game narrator begins to tell the game's story as the game intro plays. This is interspersed with Jon trying to hear the narration and him taking notes on it.)

In-Game Narrator: In the 8th year of the Keio era, Japan neared the end of its feudal period. The shogunate, facing an uprising by the antigovernment movement, asked France for military help in order to suppress the rebellion. As the French were unwilling to assist, the government turned to the American delegation that was visiting Japan at the time to negotiate the Japan-US peace treaty. You see, America was known as the country which had established a unique scientific technology-- (interrupted and further muffled by Jon)

Jon: Uh, is that gonna be on the test?

Jon (VO): Ohhhh! I get it now! History Science!

Jon (VO): This game is great, too, honestly. It plays well just like Harmful Park. The animations are really smooth, and it's got that whole Japanese mythological style goin' on. But it's, uh, it's a bit overshadowed by the, uh... (cuts back to the game's intro cutscene, with the main character, Rami, transforming to her outfit)

Rami (in-game): Hyper Cutie Bunny Chaaaaaaaaange!

Jon: I'm scared! I'm movin' on!

Samurai Zombie Nation (NES)
Jon: When I set out to make this episode, there were two specific games I had in mind that I wanted to play, two that really... stood above the rest. The first one... Samurai Zombie Nation. As you can see, I think this is really gonna be a treat just based on the cover.

(He then puts the game in his NES, followed strangely by the Game Boy startup chime as it turns on. The game's opening scene then comes up on the screen.)

Jon (VO): Oh! Is that a witch?! Hey buddy, you alright? You gotta sneeze? Somebody get this guy a tissue, and also, maybe a paperweight as he seems to be getting caught in this light breeze. Oh, and uh, also, WHAT WAS THAT?!

Jon (VO): "1999- What appeared to be a harmless meteorite--" Yeah, I'm not sure harmless is the word I'd use for that. "crashing into the Nevada desert had turned out to be Darc Seed," Oh no... not him. "an evil alien creature with horrible powers."

Jon: Oh, alright, we're fine then; they just said. His powers suck.

Jon (VO): "Darc Seed had turned the helpless nation into zombies and had brought the Statue of Liberty to life to do his dirty work"?

Jon: But what Darc Seed didn't realize is that she's too big to do inside people things, so he had to come to terms with doing his own laundry most of the time.

Jon (VO): "These rays had also given him control over many deadly weapons, but none were more powerful than the legendary samurai sword, Shura. When the great head of the samurai, Namakubi, heard that the sword had fallen into evil hands, he set off immediately for the United States."

Jon (VO): Alright, familiar territory. First level, New York. Know it like the back of my hand!

(Cuts to the first level, where the player shoots down a building with eyeballs and tongues before getting crushed between the bottom of said building and the left side of the screen, dying instantly.)

(Cue "Ode to Joy" as Jon suddenly gets crazed out by the game, and visions of what he just witnessed appear in the background as well as in his eyes.)

Jon: (pitch-shifted voice) What the fuuuuuuuuuuck?????

(Cuts to the game's post-death continue screen.)

Jon (VO): "Continue?" Well- uh- Well, yes! Absolutely! I don't ever want to stop doing that ever.

Jon (VO): Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait. So, when they said "the great head of the samurai"... oh, they literally meant his actual head! Oh my God, why or how?

Jon (VO): Now, I'm not too sure if I'm the bad guy or the good guy, because I kinda look like the bad guy right now. But then again... bad guys don't go left to right.

Jon (VO): What i- What is happening here? I- e- th- First of all, this looks like Las Vegas, not New York. Now, I'm not quite really sure how this works, e- e- at all. I'm- I'm shootin' eyeballs out my head, coughin' up remnants of my trachea to the people below, and I think my life is measured in Abobos.

Jon: Could we look at this for a moment? I'm a goddamn severed head of an emperor's ghost come over from his creepy doghouse in Japan to the United States to save everyone... by killing everyone.

Jon: Where did this guy learn how to save a country? The United States?!

Jon (VO): And yes, this is supposed to be the good guy. In the intro, it says he comes over to stop Darc Seed and save the helpless Americans. Oh, we sure are helpless, there's no doubt there, but I- I- I don't know about the whole "saved" thing. Can you tell me that if this is what the good guy is doing, what is the bad guy doing? I need to see that shit!

Jon (VO): How many eyeballs that guy got in his eyes? I'm no eyeball scientist, but I don't think you get to have that many eyeballs...

Cho Aniki: Kyuukyoku Muteki Ginga Saikyou Otoko (PS1)
Jon: Alright, we have seen some pretty crazy stuff today, but we've only got one game left... Cho Aniki. I mean, what could this possibly throw at us to surprise us? I mean, we've seen it all by now!

(Cuts to the absolutely bizarre introduction cutscene with a blue clay man vibing while various figures scroll past in the background. JonTron literally transcends through space and time in disbelief.)

Jon (VO): I'm speechless. I- I- Quite literally. I- I- I don't- I don't even need to say anything, I think this does the talking for me.

Jon (VO): Well... here's Cho Aniki, a game for the PlayStation 1 that was, uh... something.

Jon (VO): You can pick from a guy or a girl character, and they both look so enticing, don't they? Which one you gonna pick?

(Jon picks the guy character, and then the two characters give a look to Jon as the view closes in on both of them one after another.)

Jon: AH!

(Screen supposedly shows the game's story.)

Jon (VO): Uhhh, here's the story. Willing to guess we don't need to listen to this.

(Shows the intro stage, where a huge man flies and shoots big blue lasers accompanied by weird music.)

Jon: Okay, maybe we did need to listen to it after all.

(Player character is shot down.)

Jon (VO): No! Not my wiener! My one weakness!

Jon (VO): So it doesn't matter what happens; you have to play that part before the actual game begins. I don't even know if it has any bearing on the actual gameplay. I even sat here and played until it ended naturally without me dying, and nothing happens.

(On the next level, Jon is now playing the girl character in an equally trippy cosmic-looking environment.)

Jon (VO): You know, this may come as a surprise, but I still don't know what the fuck is going on. You got a lady shootin' lasers with two angels; you got muscular guys scootin' by on computer chairs; muscular guys, uh, pogo-stickin' on other muscular guys; it looks like Adam's back there waiting for God to come create him!

(A strange bald man rises from the bottom of the screen, possibly giving some helpful dialogue in Japanese.)

Jon (VO): Oh. Hey there. How are you?

(The bald man makes a creepy face while at the same time uttering a short, strange sound.)

Jon (VO): OH! Okay, what do I have to pay to have you never look at me like that again?

(A very disturbing boss appears, looking pretty much as Jon describes it. A metal pillar with 2 turrets on it then rises from the robotic ball structure at the base of this entity.)

Jon: What did I just see? Was that Arnold Schwarzenegger with a comb-over... stickin' out his H.R. Giger dick?

(The strange boss's H.R. Giger dick turrets begin firing.)

Jon: (blocking screen with hand) I'm not lookin' again!

(Jon looks over to screen, which quickly shows the boss again.)

Jon: (now completely disturbed) Ohhhhhh, that's what it was! 'OHHH, THAT'S WHAT IT IS!! That's the last 'one! It's over!

Jon (VO): I... I- I literally can't believe what I'm lookin' at. I- I honestly can't believe it; it's a self-defense mechanism.

(Screen shows boss with very suggestive expression.)

Jon (VO): Alright, buddy, don't get too happy about this.

(A bald man on a long, fleshy stalk comes out of a port at the bottom of this boss and chuckles.)

Jon (VO): (audibly disturbed) Ohhhhhh. Oh my God, what is that?

(The stalk man strikes the player character, causing her to scream and fall while also causing Jon to fall holding a hand fan.)

Jon: (blowing self with hand fan) Oh Lord, I think I'm comin' down with a case of the vapors.

(The weird boss chuckles and sticks its leg out a couple times.)

Jon: I have fallen! And I choose not to get up!

Jon (VO): Well, at least Pope Francis decided to show up. Presumably to perform an exorcism on this shit.

Jon (VO): I gotta tell you, without this guy here to regulate this human pyramid fight, this would be truly chaos. Now, that's what I call a hot mess. Hallelujah, it's rainin' men! (laughs, then starts gagging)

Jon (VO): (in the distance)''' FUCK THIS! FUCK IT!'''

(A very strange boss appears, which is composed of the front half of a frog with the back half of a snail with a shell on its back, and it is accompanied by two floating muscular men.)

Jon (VO): What i- (sigh)... What even is this one, a snail frog?

(The snail frog boss sticks its mouth to the left wall of the cavern level and slithers back, stretching its face in the process.)

Jon (VO): Oh, guy, what are you doing? Really. No, seriously. This is your method. Did you practice this? Now, I gotta tell you, I'm scared straight over here.

(The boss begins creating translucent red rectangles in its extended mouth.)

Jon (VO): What is even happening here? Is this a glitch?

(The boss's mouth detaches from the wall and very slowly retracts, causing the rectangles to fly at the player character one by one. One hits the player character, killing him.)

Jon (VO): It is NOT a glitch! A- d- this one- this was ''explicitly programmed by someone! ''I've- I have lost faith! (begins walking away from microphone) I've lost faith!

Jon: (holding space helmet) I'm not goin' back in. No, I won't do it. Seriously, no, I'm not goi- I'm not going back in. It's- It's done. Cut. Can maybe somebody... put me back in the Kubrick? I wanna go back in the Kubrick. Like, somebody maybe can take me to the... room where I become an old man and watch myself die? Yeah? It's fine, like, you don't even need to give me the whole space baby thing. I'll- I'll go without space baby. Okay, fine, I'll take the space baby.

(Jon transcends through space and time again, this time laughing hysterically as he enjoys the ride.)

Sponsorship
Jon (VO): JonTron is supported in part by companies like Audible.com.

Jon: JonTron is free to watch, but here's a list of things that aren't free: (turns to other camera) Food! (turns back to main camera) So if you feel like supporting JonTron and helping it grow, consider signing up for a free 30-day trial at Audible.com, using this link: Audible.com-slash-JonTron. If you sign up right now, you can get a free audiobook, and if you don't like it, just cancel. It's hassle-free.

Jon: This month, I recommend to you: ''Fast-Food Nation! ''(very softly chuckles) Hey, let's not lie; I don't think I've, uh, had any shortage of that.

Outro
Jon (VO): Thanks for watching! If you need the Audible link, it's in the description as well. And don't forget to follow me on Facebook and Twitter. That's how you can stay updated with the show. And if you wanna watch more JonTron, click those annotations right there. See ya next time!

(Outro music plays)

(Screen fades to black, then shows flash of Jon screaming as he flies through the Kubrick.)