Takeshi's Challenge/Transcript

Video Here ---\/ [Text in brackets = Text not spoken but shown on screen]

(Title card shows Jon in a business suit and Jaqcues next to him, both of them texting on their phones. Text at the top of the screen reads [挑戰狀 takeshi's challenge].)

Jon: Throughout history, mankind has faced challenges far and wide. Building the Great Wall of China, combating worldwide plagues, and even escaping our own atmosphere to brave the perilous journey to the infinite. But there were some challenges that were never meant to be faced, some peaks too monumental, some chasms too great! There's bravery... and then there's just plain stupidity! But mankind doesn't get anywhere by playin' it smart. Some of us have to be the guinea pigs, do the work no one else wants to. And that's why I'm goin' where no man has ever gone before and come back to tell the tale!

Jon (VO): Mission Briefing: Subject, Takeshi Kitano, otherwise known as Beat Takeshi. Japanese film director, comedian, singer, actor, author, screenwriter, poet, painter--Okay, what wasn't this guy?--and one time video game designer.

Jon: Yeah, you hear that? One time, 'cause one time was all he needed.

Jon (VO): After that, the sea floor split open and swallowed the Caribbean, earthquakes ravaged the west coast of America, and goblins were still really, REALLY scary!

Jon: Ew! I don't like 'em! I don't like goblins!... Uaaaaahh!

Jon (VO): Although being more comfortable with directing and acting, Beat Takeshi was never one to back down from a new art form. So, when Taito Corporation asked him to lend his name to their new videogame, instead of simply saying yes and takin' the money, he chose to be directly involved with the creation of the game. He even starred in two Japanese commercials advertising the game. Perplexingly enough, both of these commercials were actually cryptic hints on how to complete difficult parts of the game.

Jon: And then... this. (Shows Takeshi's Challenge cartridge as thrilling music starts) Like Aphrodite rising from the sea foam of Uranus's severed ballsack-- (Music stops) E- nah, I'm serious, that's how it happened. Look it up, I... i- it- it's true, it's definitely true. (Music starts back up again) Takeshi Kitano cut from the balls of Taito and released this to the masses. This is universally referred to as one of the worst ranking and hardest video games of all time! And it's only known as Takeshi's... Challenge. God help us all.

(Jon puts the game into his Famicom and goes to take the controller, but the cable doesn't have much reach. He gives up and grabs the entire console.)

Jon: Ah, fuck it. C'mon.

Jon (VO): Here it is. You're lookin' at the very same image a thousand Japanese kids saw on Christmas morning, 1986! Put your mind into theirs. Feel the pain. Feel the anger. And now, first off, I just wanna say there's a password guard in front of this password screen here, a- and you can just punch him... and get a game over. Before you even play the game.

Jon: Game over? I think there has to be a game first for it to be over. Maybe they're talkin' about the game of life.

Jon (VO): The game opens up with you getting yelled at in your boss's office. L- Literally. You don't even get fired! It's not concrete; you're just getting reprimanded for your mediocrity. Oh yeah? You're gonna yell at me? Well, this is a video game! I can do what I want!

(The player character punches his boss in the back of the head.)

(Scene transitions to a meeting room where there is a poster on the wall that shows the player character's company's sales take a sharp dive off the poster and onto the wall itself.)

Jon (VO): Ohhhh... (Game background music grows increasingly distorted) Merry Christmas, Japan 1986...

Jon (VO): (chuckling) Oh my God... Why would I try to escape real life by playing a game that's more depressing than real life? A- Am I suppose to feel good by comparison? Well, at the very least, I can say this game was innovative for its time. It's open-ended and has heavy real life themes, which most concurrent games had little of, if any. But perhaps it's a bit.. too... open ended. Where am I supposed to go? The bank? The culture club? Grilled Mormon- Mo- MORMONS?!

(Cuts to shot of Jon's perspective as he stumbles to his bathroom in confusion.)

Jon: (slurred voice) Whoa, what's goin' on? Oh, go- I didn't know it was alright to eat those guys. Uh, be- better should check the Broble. Make sh- make sure that's okay.

Jon (VO): WELP, I already have no idea what to do! So I guess I'll do what I always do when I'm lost: drink heavily! L- Lots of drinks! Way... absolutely above the margin of necessary- Mom is scared.

(Game produces sound effects presumably signifying the player character downs multiple drinks.)

Jon (VO): "Huh? It's pitch-black?"

(Game screen goes mostly black, then instantly transitions to the interior of a house with a mother and her children.)

Jon (VO): Wait, where am I? Is this woman beating up on me? What's goin' on??

(Screen pans up to level name at the top of the screen.)

Jon (VO): "My Home"...

Jon: Welp, this explains quite a bit--

Jon (VO): So you talk to your wife, and your options are "Food", "A bath", "Let's go to bed", "I want to travel"... and "I want a divorce". (chuckling) Wh... This is a video game from the 80's! Keep in mind, at this point most games looked like this. (Shows footage of arcade cabinet game) Or- or this. (Shows gameplay of original 1986 Bubble Bobble game) They didn't usually have themes of domestic conflict in them! A- And they still don't, really. Let's give her the good ol' one-two divorce and see what happens. I mean, after all, she is violent.

Jon (VO): So you can pay alimony, or (chuckling) p-... punch.

Jon: .......Punch.

Jon (VO): Y'know, whenever I find myself in this situation, I find that "pay alimony" works out far smoother in the long run. But there is no denying that a punch is a much more satisfying short-term solution. [Also... I'd just like to point out] that there is a LICENSED NINTENDO GAME WITH DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IN IT!!!!

Jon (VO): (chuckling) You can literally murder your wife and children! Literally... murder your children! I think I need to repeat that: literally... murder your children! If the walls could talk... they'd say really bad things about that guy.

Jon: Now, this is the point where most people- like, 99% of people would do this:

(Jon drops the game cartridge in the trash, flips open a Zippo lighter, and drops it into the trash to burn the cartridge.)

Jon: (holding cross) Outta this house! Outta this house!

Jon: (holding incense candle) Spirits be gone from this house.

Jon: But this isn't most people.

(Remix of JonTron intro music plays while Jon dresses up in a snazzy suit and tie.)

Jon: This is JonTron! (coughs and chokes)

Jon: To take on this challenge, I have to think like a salaryman, dress like one... be one. Let's beat Takeshi at his own game, goddammit.

Jon (VO): You are not gonna believe this. This game requires an insane amount of trial and error, more than any sane person would be expected to undertake. For starters, you're supposed to ignore your boss at the beginning of the game 'cause you want to pick up the bonus he gives you later. So you go directly to the bank and close out your account to withdraw the 50,000 yen that are in there. Then you go to the local culture club and use the money to buy... shamisen lessons? Yeah, it sounds random, right? But, you're supposed to do this 'cause you actually have to start the game out by divorcing your wife. And when you do that, you have to pay her alimony. And that means that 75% of the money that you're holding onto at that given moment will go to her. And you need the money later, or else you'll get stuck. You won't be able to beat the game. So basically, you're tryin' to give your wife as little money as possible. Man, who said- who said chivalry's dead?

Jon (VO): The next steps are entirely steps made of logic:

[1) QUIT JOB]

Jon (VO): Quit job.

[2) REMOVE PLANT MONEY]

Jon (VO): Take money out of the office plant.

[3) LEARN TO HANG GLIDE]

Jon (VO): Learn to hang glide.

Jon (VO): All the while, managing to dodge yakuza toughs that are tryin' to beat the shit out of you as you moon-jump past. Yeah, by the way, they're unavoidable! I- It doesn't matter how hard you try; unless you get lucky 10% of the time, they'll teleport to you and take a hit. Now, normally in a video game, this wouldn't be a problem. But for a majority of time in this game, you can't replenish your hearts! And you only have four, which is not a lot, trust me. I- It's like the yakuza are just a tax, a toll! Every time you pass one, they take a part of you with them! The more you play the game... the more you run the meter. Better use your time wisely...!

Jon: It's just an allegory! I- It's just an allegory of our inevitable demise! I'm slowly dying! I'm slowly dying just like him! Each obstacle makes an etching in my soul!

Jon (VO): Now, this may seem very, uh, cryptic and convoluted, but that's because you haven't heard the next part! You're then supposed to go to the pachinko parlor and buy 500 balls... and lose them. "Sir, you don't have enough balls." Okay- okay, first off... rude. But secondly, yes I fucking do! Because they won't go down! I keep winning balls. Yeah, the one time I wanna lose at gambling, and I can't do it if I tried. Now, I don't know for sure what hell looks like, but I think it might be a bit like Takeshi's Challenge.

Jon: This is ridiculous!

(The second controller's microphone picks up Jon's frustrated exclamation and the game's AI responses)

Jon (VO): "Shut up, you dick"?!

(Jon slowly looks over at the second controller, then picks it up and points at it.)

Jon: (softly chuckles) ...You're supposed to- You're supposed to yell into the microphone... (starts laughing harder) ...on the second controller... (laugh quickly transitions into painful-looking laugh)

Jon (VO): A bunch of yakuza toughs fill into the parlor, and to beat this part you have to knock out at least one of them, which is really hard 'cause they all three pummel on to you quickly and you die in seconds. Oh, and did I mention? Any time you die in this game, you have to go to the beginning! And that means doing every single minute step all over again. And by the time you beat this game, you could write a strategy guide on it, 'cause you know it front to back. After you scare off the yakuza from the parlor, the owner gives you a bunch of balls which you use to buy a shamisen... What even i- what even... A- what even is that? Okay, it's that. (Shows a picture of a shamisen, a Japanese musical instrument similar to a guitar) That's what it is. I gue- okay. I mean, I guess I'm familiar; I just didn't know the name.

Jon (VO): Now we're off to the karaoke bar to sing the same song three times in a row, because Takeshi Kitano is an insane person. You actually have to sing into the microphone on the second controller, which is pretty innovative for its time. But it's incredibly difficult and precise.

(8-bit Japanese music plays.)

Jon (VO):  Once you've completed the songs, guess what happens? G- Guess. Guess what? A bunch of yakuza storm into the bar. And you have to beat the shit out of all of them again. On the same hearts. Then, just in the nick of time, an old man comes in and gives you a map... And then you beat the shit out of him! It's not even an option; you have to do that. But when you look at the map, of course, it's blank. To reveal it, you have to let it soak in water and wait 5 minutes, but not more than 10, and then cry into the microphone, or bathe it in sunlight and let the controller sit for an hour. Ah, arbitrary wait times. What do ya know? It's an early MMO! Now that we've got our treasure map, I say it's off to the South Pacific. (chuckles)

Jon (VO): No, seriously; you head to the airport and board a plane to the South Pacific.

Jon: ...Y'know, this only just dawned on me right now, but do you realize that this is a Nintendo game in which you quit your job, divorce your wife... and go treasure hunting? (Music changes to more unsettling tone) Ten-outta-ten. Ten-outta-ten. Hundred-outta-a-hundred. Best game. Best game.

Jon (VO): : When you get there, you get a gun! Well, getting the gun is kinda cool, I guess. I- It actually works. It's not just a bait-and-switch. Only now can you sleep at the hotel and regain your hearts.

(Slowly zooms in on Jon's new 7-heart health meter.)

Jon (VO): Oh my God... it's beautiful! It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen! Y'know, for such a bad game, when I saw those seven hearts, I was... happy. I guess it just shows that life's all about perspective.

Jon (VO): Okay, this next part, I can't even stress enough...

Jon: This is one of the hardest parts in any video game I've ever played.

Jon (VO): You have one shot at this flying segment, where you have to shoot a revolver abreast a hang glider, at giant dive-bombing pigeons and UFOs! If you get hit once, you're dead.

Jon: Game... over. And y'know what that means!

Jon (VO): Divorce your wife, sing the karaoke, question if it's ethical to eat Mormons... Do the whole thing over again just to have another go at this hang gliding segment! It could take you twenty, thirty times before you get this. And it wouldn't even be so bad if you could fully control the hang glider. But once you drop altitude, the only way you can go back up is to hit one of these gusts of wind, which you can accidentally shoot and destroy!

Jon: Never- Never in my life have I said "Goddammit, I shot the wind again!" and meant it. And meant that.

Jon (VO): Can you even fathom how hard this is? Was a human actually intended to be able to overcome this? After a while, it breaks you down! It j- d- The only thing that keeps you going is the thought of what's coming next, th- th- the thought of winning! You can't let 'em beat you! It was designed... to beat you. And you wanna know how hard this game is? I started this review in 2012!

Jon (VO): C'mon, I have to do this. I- I- I can't stop until I do this! Please, ple- Oh!... Ohmygod! OHMYGOD, I MADE IT! I DID IT! I got there... I got to the island! I'm finally here! I... I'm in the treasure cave! This is the final stretch!

Jon (VO): Of course they wouldn't give you a break, either. There's literally enemies oozing from every crack of this cave. Talk about... z- havin' some PTSD; you're lookin' at this while d- havin' flashbacks of havin' to do the... goddamn fuckin' pigeon section again! It's a non-stop barrage of scorpions, a- a- amoebas, pirates, skeletons, and flame balls! I swear to God, I don't even think you could beat this segment if there wasn't a built-in exploit to the game which is if you pause the game and unpause it, all the enemies reset.

Jon (VO): And then, finally... you see it! Just out of the corner of your eye. Not every one is created equal. Eh, not in a racist way; I'm talking more about willpower. Sorry if you thought that was a racist or sexist comment. Some are quicker to make an excuse than a commitment. But we live in a world where if you don't decide to be the very best, someone'll step up and be happy to take your place. Today we've scaled a new peak, and you know what? View's pretty good from up here. Takeshi... I beat your challenge. To the victor go the spoils! What do I win?

[I'VE FINALLY FOUND THE TREASURE!

''AMAZING! - THE END]''

Jon (VO): That's it? That... eh- That's- That's all it is? It s- It s- It s- It says "amazing," and it's just his- his-his face, i- in the corner...? After... a... after all that I just went through...?

(Cuts to footage of Jon writing a letter and posting it to Takeshi Kitano)

Jon (VO): 北野様、私は貴方の大ファンです. バトル・ロワイアルのあなたが本当に好きです. 日本は現代ゲームの誕生の地です. なぜたけしの挑戦状を作ったのですか？なぜ私たちに対して本案ことをするのですか？私のことが嫌いなのですか？誰かにやらせたのですか？この封筒は封筒と便箋が同封されていますから、これを作って、謝罪文を栄進してくれてもかまいません. 私は本気です. まじめにこの手紙をあなたは送ります. この手紙は私書箱あってです. どうか返信をください. これは書の一部ありません. この撮影が終わったら、本当にオフしに行きます.

{Kitano-sama, watashi wa anata no dai fan desu. Batoru Rowaiaru no anata ga hontō ni suki desu. Nihon wa gendai gēmu no tanjō no ji desu. Naze Takeshi no Chosenjo wo tsukutta no desu ka? Naze watashitachi ni taishite hon'an koto wo suru no desu ka? Watashi no koto ga kirai na no desu ka? Dareka ni yara seta no desu ka? Kono fūtō wa fūtō to binsen ga dōfū sa rete imasukara, kore o tsukutte, shazai bun wo eishin shite kurete mo kamaimasen. Watashi wa honkidesu. Majime ni kono tegami wo anata wa okurimasu. Kono tegami wa shishobako atte desu. Dō ka henshin wo kudasai. Koreha-sho no ichibu arimasen. Kono satsuei ga owattara, hontōni ofu shi ni ikimasu.}

["Dear Mr. Kitano, I've been a really big fan. I really liked you in Battle Royale. Japan is the birthplace of modern gaming. Why did you make Takeshi's Challenge? Why would you do this to us? Do you hate me? Did someone make you do this? Enclosed in this envelope is another envelope and paper, so you can write me back and apologize. I am really, actually sending this letter to you. It's in your PO box. I am actually going to send this to you after this video recorder stops taping me."]

Jon (VO): Ah- to- se- g- Bad game! [2/10] Two outta ten!

(The Gamespot logo flashes on the screen, spinning and becoming an epileptic's worst nightmare before exploding, all while metal music plays in the background.)

Outro
Jon (VO): Thanks for watching! If you wanna stay up to date on JonTron, Like my Facebook and follow me on Twitter. I promise... I'll use them. If you so fancy watching yourself another JonTron, well, click those annotations right there. They'll take you to the videos. You know by now, right? It's been, what, i- it, uh... eight years since this website--maybe more--since it's launched... You should really know. That's something- That's on you.