Clock Tower/Transcript

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Jon (VO): It's October. Come on, lay it on me! I'm ready! Get out the Draculas! The Frankensteins! The skeletons with a GUN in their hands-Uhhh wait. Hold on a sec.

Jon: Maybe scratch that last one. Yeah, I don't think that's a thing.

Jacques: Don't forget about the Scissorman.

Jon: (gasps)...Not the Scissorman!

Jacques: Well I didn't realize you were going to go apeshit.

Jon: MM, SCISSORMAN!!!

Jacques: Please stop.

Jon (VO): Clock Tower. It's a series best known for the game release on the PlayStation 1, but it actually had its start on the SNES, which most people don't know because it was never released outside of Japan. I've always wanted to try it out, seeing as it is one of the earliest entries into the survival horror genre. Some would say this game pioneered survival horror, but can a SNES game elicit the same kind of terror we associate with such titles as Resident Evil and Silent Hill? Somehow, I doubt it.

[C] [L] [O]........[W] [E]

[L]

Jon: Clock Towel? That's not very scary-

[Letter L changes to R]

Jon: OH GOD!

[Jon starts reading the intro]

Jon (VO): "Raised in the Granite Orphanage, Jennifer and her friend-"friendse"?" Oooh, typos. Already getting scary, "were wanted as adopted daughters."

[Gentleman Jon appears]

Gentleman Jon: Yes, I'd like to adopt the two of them like PUPPIES from a kennel! After all, anything can be bought and sold for the right OIIIL!

[Squishes oil in his hand]

Jon (VO): "It happened in September..." Aah, a bit of a missed opportunity if I'm sayin' so myself, I mean the-the scary month's just won over.

[Jon looks at his calendar]

[September changes to October]

Jon: OH, THAT'S THE ONE!

[Jon continues reading the intro]

"From now on, what kind of place will we be living in?" "That's the fifth time you('ve) asked!"

Jon (VO): Yeah, well maybe it'd be the last time if you just fucking told me!

"Don't worry. It's a very nice place. We're almost there. See?"

[The camera shows and zooms in the mansion]

Jon: Oh, majestic!

Jon (VO): Yeah, you know all it's missing I think is just a big ol' sign saying " Definitely.  Not. Haunted."-I-I think that'll be an amazing touch.

In Clock Tower, you play as Jennifer Simpson, an orphan girl who has just been adopted by a Mr. Barrows. The story picks up as you've just been brought to a secluded and creepy mansion in the woods.

Mary Barrows: "I gotta go get Mr. Barrows. Everyone wait here."

[Mary Barrows begins walking very slowly accompanied by the sound of footsteps]

Jon (VO): You think you can maybe gimme an ETA on that?

Man, this game sure is off to a slow start.

[Music begins playing suddenly]

Jon (VO): OH NO! That can't be good. A musical change like that can only mean one thing! I gotta get outta here!

[Jennifer begins hilariously speed-walking for her life]

Jon (VO): I AIN'T GONNA BE THE FIRST TO DIE, I'LL TELL YOU THAT MUCH RIGHT NOW!!!

[Jennifer attempts to open a door, but it's locked]

Jon (VO): Ah, locked doors, huh? But I don't know where to go.

[Suddenly, it becomes dark in the room]

Jon (VO): Oh, wonderful. The lights went out. Okay, well, I don't know. I guess I'll just try to go up these stairs.

[Jennifer begins walking up the stairs slowly]

Jon (VO): ...even though it's gonna take my entire goddamn life.

[Jennifer reaches the top]

Jon (VO): Okay, yeah, there's nothin' up here.

[Jennifer finally switches the lights on]

Jon (VO): Ohh, look at that! Turned the lights back on! It's almost like we got somewhere.

Jon (VO): I have to say, for this era of gaming, there really was nothing with this kind of intense atmosphere. Most horror competitors at the time were just platformers or action games that had spooky themes. Nothing quite got to this level.

[A sudden female scream is heard out of nowhere]

Jon (VO): Ah, what was that? Well I better hurry and see what just made that bloodcurdling scream.

[Jennifer enters the room, only to find girls missing]

Jon (VO): Oh no. I was too late. Maybe I shoulda ran.

Jon (VO): The game works on a cursor system, it's basically like a point and click adventure. I eventually found out that if you double tap, she starts to run, which is nice, cause otherwise, I'd be walking everywhere like that. As you walk around the mansion, crazy events can happen at random, which keeps the tension high.

[The indoor balcony floor right in front of Jennifer suddenly collapses, accompanied with a short scream]

Jon (VO): WHOAH, okay! Guess I'm glad I was walking this time. Honestly, the lack of a direct input on your character helps add to the feeling of helplessness. It's pretty cool.

[Jennifer enters a room with a picture in the background]

Jon (VO): Aah, yes, there is nothing like a portrait of a skull with no eyes to really bring a home together!

Jon: This is actually a, uh, original "Vincent Van Ghoul".

[Jon shows his own portrait of a skull on his wall]

Jon: People don't come over anymore.

Jon (VO): The game also brings itself to life by showing really detailed close-ups of the items you find. Like look at this broken picture of these two kids, the artwork is fantastic! So much terror is portrayed through this angle and lighting, especially for 16-bit graphics, it's genuinely creepy.

Jon (VO): Well just cause I'm being haunted, doesn't mean I can't be beautiful!

[An arm suddenly begins strangling Jennifer through the mirror]

[Michael Jackson's Man In The Mirror begins playing]

Jon's Voice: "I'm being strangled by the man in the mirror, AAAHH!!!"

[The arm turns and pushes Jennifer to the floor, who dies]

Jon: At least, he had the decency to be delicate! You know what I'm sayin', like SOME ghosts nowadays, too busy to-to float a-a old lady across the street!

Jon (VO): Heh, I'm sorry, I-I don't think I can get over this yet. He spins her around and gently pushes her after he's done strangling her! And she just daintily falls... What Even.

Jon (VO): Well fine, if you're not gonna be nice, I'll just have myself a refreshing talk with the bird!

[Jennifer opens the cage with the bird inside, who then proceeds to attack her]

Bird: I'll kill you!

Jon (VO): OH, GOD! Nope! Eh, please, stop! Are you talkin' to me? Are you sayin' something?

Jon: I tissue?

Bird: I'll kill you!

Jon: I kiss you?

Bird: I'll kill you!

Jon: I'm near you?

Jacques: "I'll kill you".

Jon: Ah, not now, Jacques! I'm trying to figure this out!

[Jennifer eventually dies]

Jon: GAAH, you messed me up! Dead from lack a' diction!

Jon (VO): I'm gettin' a bit sick of these dead ends, I just want the plot to progress already!

[Suddenly, Scissorman, along with a dead body of Anne, drops through a glass ceiling right before Jennifer!]

Jon: S-S-S-S-S-Scissorman!

[Scissorman then begins walking straight to Jennifer, who then leaves the room]

Jon (VO): You know, I'm having second thoughts about this adoption. I-I think I'll give you guys a call.

[Jennifer begins running back and forth]

Jon (VO): OH MY GOD I am outta here!(Switches directions)But then again, that did look like a bit like Angus Young(Switch)But then again, his signatures don't mean anything if I'm DEAD!(Switch)But, you know, I'm a huge AC/DC fan, so I think I'm gonna check one more time just to make sure it wasn't him?

[Replays last scene]

Jon (VO): What is this person? Is this actually the main enemy of the game?!

After all this time, all this atmosphere, and our nemesis turns out to be JAY LENO IN A SCHOOL BOY'S BODY WITH A SERIOUS CASE OF MOLDY PRUNE FACE?!? And what's he using as a weapon, exactly? Tha-That-That's hedge clippers. We-we're not getting 'round this!

Jason had a machete! Freddy had a creepy claw hand! SCISSORMAN? He's got scissors. That's it.-That's the end.-That's where it ends.

Jon: Edward Scissorhands? This is Edward Scissorman!

[Jennifer enters a garage room]

Jon (VO): Ah, uh what do I do? Uhh, I-I'd better grab that shovel! No, wait! Get in the car and get outta here! NO! Even better! I'll hide up HERE!

[Jennifer climbs up the ladder as soon as Scissorman appears]

Jon (VO): Heh, ain't no way his stubby legs are climbin' up this ladder!

[Scissorman begins leaving]

Jon (VO): Ha ha ha, that's right! See you later, buddy!

[As soon as Scissorman leaves the room, he suddenly makes a hole in the ceiling, drops down next to Jennifer and kills her]

Jon: I DID NOT FACTOR IN THE WARP ABILITY!

Jon (VO): Alright, let's try this again. This time, goin' straight for the car, no messin' around. The upstairs? Okay, bad idea, I can see that now. Car, made of steel, let's go!

Jennifer: "But... the others..."

[Jon thinks, as heartbeat sounds play]

Jon: Fuck it!

[Jennifer "drives" away in the car with explosions]

Jon (VO): As silly as he is, after Scissorman hits the scene, this game becomes ten times as scary. Every room becomes a trap! Every object becomes a game of deadly trial and error! He can appear literally anywhere at any time, so you better be careful because game over is back to the beginning like it is with these old games. That's almost scarier than the monsters!

[Enjoyable noise of Mr. Barrows eating Jennifer]

Jon (VO): Other random things can happen, too.

[Jennifer opens a meat locker with swarm of bugs inside, who begin crawling across the room]

Jon (VO): Oh, okay! Well...this is unfortunate. Now I gotta play the rest of the game as PIG PUN-PIG PEN-FRUDDA.-P-FOR-THE-PEANUTS!!!

Jennifer: "Picked up some ham."

[Jon grabs a piece of ham]

Jon: This'll kill him.

[Jennifer walks up to a window]

Jennifer: "It's a swimming pool."

Jon: Actually, that's a window!

Jon (VO): Ah, hole in the floor, we meet again! I guess I'll just put this simple wood plank over the top of it!

Jennifer: "Just a simple plank of wood."

Jon (VO): ...Who are you to judge?

Jon (VO): With everything this game does right, it still suffers from a lot of hiccups that old point and click adventures do. For instance, like when you think you've figured out the solution to a puzzle, but the game has decided that that is NOT the way the puzzle is gonna be solved. Which, of course, leads to you having to backtrack and put a piece of ham in your pocket or something.-Just, some obscured tiny object that you paid no mind to. ALL the way on the other side of the map is the key to progressing.

Jon (VO): Wouldn't it be funny if someone were like hiding behind the drapes like it was a horror movie or something-

[Jennifer moves the drapes, which reveals the Scissorman hiding]

Jon (VO): -AAALRIGHT!!!

[Scissorman raises and playfully moves his scissors up and down]

Jon: REALLY? There, Scissorman! W-What are you, fucking seven? Actually, I think you-Actually you are seven, aren't you?-Alright, checks out!

Jon (VO): Okay, well maybe I'll just see what's behind THESE drapes, it couldn't be worse than THAT nightmare inducing shit!

[Drapes move aside, revealing a giant, very ugly baby, Dan]

[Jon pretends to vomit candy corn, then laughs]

Jon: So can I start therapy now, or should I wait for the nightmares to set in?

Jon (VO): Eventually, you get to the top of the clock tower and find out that Dan Scissorman- yeh-yes, by the way, his name actually is Dan -REALLY hates the sound of tower bells, er, for some reason.

[Scissorman, unable to handle the sound of bells, breaks the wooden fence and jumps from a big height]

Jon (VO): Listen, even if you don't like the sound of bells, that was just a very poor route to take! Also this lady backs off a cliff, cause some birds were botherin' her. Yah. It's her story, folks. Remember that powerful scene from Star Wars where Emperor Palpatine backed off into the Nebulous Void because he was annoyed with some birds? I still cry.

[Jennifer and Anne stand in the top of the clock tower and watch the rain]

Jon (VO): Listen. Next time, YOU'RE gettin' adopted!

[Orphan Gurls logo appears]

Jon (VO): I'm dead inside forever now!

Jon: Ha ha! Man, I mean that was so enveloping!-I almost believed it was real, but, it's all in the spirit of the holiday.-I mean it's good to sit back and remember that scissors don't actually exist!... Oh...wait a second. What's this?

[Jon picks up a cut out newspaper article]

Jon: But that's impossible! If scissors don't exist, how did someone clip out this article? It can't be...

[Suddenly, Scissorman from the first person view enters the room!]

Jon: OH CRAP!

[Jon grabs a tape and tapes it to the other side of the room, like a police tape]

Jon: HA!

[Scissorman simply cuts the tape with his scissors]

Jon: OH NO, that's all I had!

[Scissorman slowly approaches Jon]

Jon: Come on Jon, think, think, THINK! I got it!

[Jon pulls out a piece of ham]

Jon: Ham! The harbinger of gout! And a Scissorman's worst friend!

[Jon makes a few tricks with the ham before throwing it at the Scissorman, which causes him to fall and disappear, killing him. All that's left of him is his coat and his scissors]

[Jon then spins the ham, puts it into his gun holster like a cowboy and gives it a few slaps. Jon then turns to the smoking coat of Scissorman]

Jon: Looks like you're out to lunch!

[Coat continues to smoke. Jon blows a gun with his finger]

Jon: Ha ha ha ha!...Wait a second. Why do I have a gun holster?-I-I don't have a gun!

[A skeleton with a gun in his hand suddenly comes out of the closet, firing a few shots out of it]

Skeleton: I've got a bone to pick with you!

[Laughs and shoots his gun in full auto]

Jon: People ha-haven't come over in-in several years. That was the last man, and he's dead now.

(Sponsor and outro with "Pumpkin with Face" and skeleton)