How To Play Counter Strike: Global Offensive

Jon gives some lessons on how to play Counter Strike: Global Offensive. And dies a lot.

The video opens with a warning stating that this is an unscripted video of Jon playing CS:GO.
Lesson 1: Pick a pistol - He can't pick the gun he wants, and shoots someone in a bedroom. He stabs a chicken.

Lesson 2: Don't let them get to you - he is killed upon saying this. He wants players to play this as realistically as possible. He gets kicked from the game.

Lesson 3: If they kick you... KICK RIGHT BACK! - He advises to be 'zen' (as he camps in a wall).He gets a grenade thrown at him. He screams and tries to run backwards, but dies when it blows up.

Lesson 4: Don't be afraid... - Jon is afraid. He gets killed a few times, and kills him teammate. Jon tries to talk to his teammates, and they ignore him. JonTron is killed, and calls 'hacks'. He manages to get first on his team, and admits that it is not a good sign.

Script
This is unscripted live audio and video of Jon playing CS:GO.

You have been warned.

Jon: Welcome to JonTron’s guide on how to play Counter Strike: Global Offensive. Now the first thing you wanna do is you wanna get one of these pistols here.

Uhh, I can’t have the P2000

Well you can’t tell me what the heck to do(laughing)You know what I’m saying?

But I’ll go with the Dual Berettas because I’m gonna play, I’m gonna play like a sport.

Ding, I don’t know what the hell that’s doing here.

As you can see we’re in some sort of person’s house which uhh

WOOAH you thought you were gonna pull a fast one on me, I pulled a fast one on you, I pulled a fast TWO on you, cause I have two guns. That’s a joke ladies and gentlemen''' '''Come here you son of a- get.

I feel remorse for my actions

SECOND RULE: Don’t let- Don’t let em’ get to ya’. Just don’t let em’ get to ya.

Hey this is a ploy. Right there what you’re seeing, that is a ploy.

So you wanna make sure you’re playing this a realistically as possible. So just imagine you were in this situation in real life and you will, uhh, come to find the style in which you should play this game.

COME HEEEERE BETTY! I'M HERE TO TAK- Chickens: 1 Me: 3 AW SHIT!

Well that’s how you do it

I got kicked (laughs hysterically)

Lesson Number 3 in Counter Strike: Global Offensive: If they kick you, well you kick em’ right back and you click find another server

Alright as you can see we’ve got we’ve got a (unintelligible Jon sound) I’M RUNNIN’!! I’M NOT sa- outta here. Screw the- aww back into the fishtank. I’m back, I’m back baby, I’m BACK IN BLACK.

Lesson Number 3: Be Zen. This is called Zen. This is Zen right here. You see I’m channeling my energy. NO YOU DON’T! Don’t you touch my friend. I will- listen I know we’ve had our hard times. Don’t you look at me like that when I’m talking to you.

This is called Zen. This is called ZEN GAMING. I’ve patented it, you can buy it at my website FRAUDS.COM.

I’m just, I’m just, I’m oozing Zen. I am OOZING. This is a very good Zen spot. I got, hold on what’s. Don’t you, YOU CAN’T PASS. That’s the line right? From the movie the Hobbit 2?

What’s this gun, I don’t even know.

I’m feeling it, I’m feeling, I’m feeling it, I’m feeling for it. I’m feeling for daisies in a push pond. Oh that's just BLAAAAAAHHH. It didn’t BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK you know.

Yeah it’s real nice of them to consider letting me deliver a present. I guess I just gotta take it over and. Holy shit that person doesn't like christmas.

Lesson 4: Don’t be afraid. Cause even if the enemy has an.. *IS AFRAID* Lesson 4: Don’t be afraid. Oh geeze you almost, you just ran, Ohhhh that is going to be me backing up.

Ohhhh noooo, well now at least we can't see our shame, now we can see it again.

Alright I was thinkin’ of goin’ for a bit more of a Zen weapon, you know. There we go. Zen, oh Jesus. Zen, I didn’t get him. Zen, I got him. Eye to Eye, that was a song from Goof Troop (Link here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0I2gTjRzxaw). I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU KILLED ME WHILE I WAS TALKING ABOUT GOOF TROOP.

Guys don’t you think they did a bad wrapping job on this? I don’t know if they’re gonna like this present. Mother FUCKER.

Alright so clearly my other methods of persuasion weren't working too well so I decided to go with the Zen-est weapon of them all. They call it the AWP. I suppose it’s like the root beer. Oh no you just BOOM, I made it. I wanna teach you the ways of the monk. I’m so good. There we go. It was all worth it, Agrippa da Rippa. Good name, good name, good name, GOOD NAME, GOOD NAME.

Buuuh, How do you do this? Ding ding ding ding. Put the number address on the birthday cake, ship it off to Mercury. What’s this, this looks even better than what I had. WOOO HO HOOOO.

(Hysterical laughing) This gun has so much bullets.

I win, It was all me.

FINAL ROUND.

I’m gonna go ahead and stick with the uh mobile lawnmower as they call it huh.

I don’t know what you, don’t shoot at me, don’t shoot at me, please no, don’t shoot at me, no, don’t shoot at me, I got, I GOT THIS ONE. YOU CAN’T OUT (Laughs)

* HACKS*