The Zoo Race

The Zoo Race is the 17th and final episode of JonTron Show Season 2, and the 34th episode overall. In this lovely episode, Jon decides to celebrate the holiday festivities by playing the infamous religious atrocity known as Zoo Race. A buggy, low-effort Christian-themed racing game renowned for its poor quality.

There is no rest for a JonTron, is there?

Synopsis
The episode begins with Jon talking to a Nativity display, urging the baby Jesus to enjoy his Christmases while he can, as the colourful events of the Passion loom in the distant future.

Jon levels with himself, feeling as though his efforts this season have truly been worthwhile, and he elects to take a brake this holiday. Only to suddenly be met with footage of a horse being shot out of a cannon while MIDI Christian pop-rock plays in the background. After realising he's trapped in an eternal spiral, he elects to instead review Zoo Race. Merry fucking Christmas everybody.

The game starts with its infamous opening cutscene where a er...we'll just go with deformed-looking man named Reuben is confronted by a librarian named Hannah. Hannah is appalled that Reuben is reading a book about Noah's Ark and recommends that he pick out more educational books such as dictionaries, encyclopedias, and history books...which begs the question why stock fiction and religious material if you only want people to read nonfiction, lady? Reuben is undeterred and insists that he enjoys reading about biblical stories. And Jon agrees with him, comparing Noah's Ark to an archaic version of Pokémon.

Hannah's dogging continues to the point where she calls Reuben's beliefs into question, but Reuben remains firm in what he believes...before spontaneously inquiring if Noah raced his animals. Before Hannah can really respond, Reuben begins sprinting around the library like a child before popping his head up from behind a bookshelf, complete with a toilet flushing sound effect, leading Jon to assert he took a shit on the floor.

Then something bizarre happens as Hannah begins to open up about her self-esteem issues when Reuben encourages her to race with him, only to suddenly be turned into a horse, and Reuben into a rhinoceros. Hannah maintains her ability to speak and points out the transformation that just occurred. All Reuben can respond with is a peacock noise.

Jon sees the menu screen, and there are people running away on it, with J Pop playing. Jon watches the very slow credits. Dan Silverman is singled out for designing the tiger. Jon watches the animal party and sings about it, and finds a pharaoh goat. All of the screens look like a website from the early days of the internet. Jon reads the introduction text, and is relieved to find that this is a fictional story! Each animal has a title like a warrior, courageous and swim champion? Jon wonders how someone should be credited for making a 3D tiger render. Jon chooses to play as the pig.

The word nectarine appears on the screen for some reason, and the race begins. Jon is speechless as the race begins. Jon finds a goat that is stuck falling down into a wall. The pig glitches down a hole - wait, it wasn't a glitch! The track reminds him of Super Mario 64. Jon begins to have fun as barrels are thrown at him. The pig somehow wins. Noah comes running towards the screen. Jon thinks the fireworks should be placed further away from the pig - unless they are trying to make bacon. This game is a beautiful train wreck. The controls are wonky, the courses are mostly straight tracks with 90 degree turns, and there is no goal apart from winning the race and looking at Noah.

The next track tells Jon to avoid the obstacles - and has a picture of God. This level is pirate and Egyptian themed. The graphics aren't good enough to be able to tell if Noah is standing in a room of gold or banana peels.

Jon sings a song about saying no to drugs. The third track tells Jon to avoid the dinosaurs in Seth's Safari, but the whole track is covered in fire and fireworks. Jon preys asking where this game is going.

The sheep goes from being hit by a train to driving it. The train crashes into a sign! Jon decides that he is done, only to find that the sheep are still alive in front of the sign it just crashed into. The only interesting thing about this game is looking at the weird designs and scripted events.

Most of the rest of the game is just confusion. The horse is way too eager on getting into the cannon. There is a pizza on the ground for some reason, and Jon gets stuck outside a fence. He gets onto a rocket and is launched to the moon. There is a NASA Space Shuttle, a goat, and a bear with a hat on the moon.

Jon decides to call up to cancel Christmas.

Trivia

 * This episode uses the Christmas theme