Food Games/Transcript

Jon (VO): Part 1
Video Here ---\/ [Text in square brackets=text on screen but not spoken]

{Text in curly brackets=text both on screen and spoken}

(Title card shows the video title in all caps, with two hamburgers acting as the O's in Food. Jon is seen on a couch playing a videogame as Chester Cheetah and one of the California Raisins sit on either side of him. Ronald McDonald from the Japanese McDonald's commercials slowly rises from behind the couch waving, then quickly sinks back down with no one any the wiser.

(Jon is seen talking on his Garfield phone with someone.)

Jon: Yeah. Hi. Uh, I'm calling about the Thanksgiving turkey I ordered this season... Yeah, well, the first of many problems is it doesn't appear to be a turkey at all. (a live miniature horse is seen in Jon's room) Yeah, this thing's still alive and kicking! A- Alright, e- i- it's walkin' around doin' its business like its got a report to file on Monday!

(The horse comes across a bust of Macaulay Culkin's head.)

Jon: (to horse) No! No, you be careful with that! Oh, that's my priceless, vaguely adult Macaulay Culkin head bust!

(The horse pushes the bust over, causing it to make a shattering sound.)

Jon: Oh, thaaaat's just wonderful! And what exactly am I supposed to worship now?! (back on the phone) Yeah, I- I dunno what you expect me to do. Deal with this myself? I can't deal with something myself. C'mon, this is America! (holds up a brick) Yeah, of course I got the brick! What're you talkin' about? (realizes) Oh.

(Cuts to black as the horse neighs in pain as the brick is seemingly thrown at it. Cuts back to Jon's room, where he is now attempting to eat a slice of the brick as the very much uninjured horse approaches.)

Jon: Dine with me, newfound horse friend! Oh, what? You don't like it? Huh? Come on, there are starving equine out there this Thanksgiving. Eh, y- you should know better, really.

Jacques: I don't know how I feel about this feast.

Jon: Quiet, you! You're just jealous 'cause there's a new cute critter in the house, alright? And I ain't talkin' about myself. Uh, definitely not objectively. (holds up a magazine with him on the cover) I was rated "Number One Ugliest Man in the Privacy of His Own House"... by What is the Point of This? Magazine. What a blessed Thanksgiving-- (realizes the sheer gravity of the fact that he has an actual horse in his home) Oh my God, there's a horse in my house!

(Cuts to images related to Thanksgiving and eventually fast food, mainly McDonald's.)

Jon (VO): Maybe Thanksgiving is a little gruesome after all. I think we need somethin' to wash over these hard facts of life with. Y'know, like, uh, a big ol' clown! What slaughterhouses? Look at the clown! Look at the Hamburglar! He stole the chicken nuggets! Ha ha! [HAHA] It always comes back to entertainment. Since the dawn of time, companies have been tryin' to find the most insidious ways to get in between your brain's folds, to lay an idea that'll hatch one day. An idea you probably thought was yours. But actually, it was this guy's. (KFC logo appears, followed by images of Colonel Sanders) Well, you really want this guy comin' up with your ideas? It looks like he owns slaves.

(Images of arcades and games appear.)

Jon (VO): So that's why when videogames hit the scene in the early eighties, companies were all over it, just shelling out money indiscriminately to plaster their mugs all over the place wherever they could. Oh my God. So greedy. So soulless! It stands to taint the holiday. Eh, but really, come on.

Jon: Thanksgiving is about being thankful and grateful for all the... wonderful amenities we have in the US of A. And at the end of the day... what's more American than... food, entertainment, and commercialism... all rolled right into one tight package? (chuckles while teary-eyed) It's beautiful.

Whopper Chase (Burger King; Commodore 64)
Jon (VO): One of the earliest examples of advertising in games is Burger King's very own Whopper Chase for C64. That's right, a full nineteen years before The King creeped out the world by storm. Strangely, this game is Spain only. (notices the programmer credit to someone named Jesus Medina) It was also programmed by Jesus! Many a long work day was had by Jesus. You could hear him typing away... typin' away in his Nazareth mud hut. It stars you as the Whopper shooting your leftover mayonnaise supply out at various creeps that I can only assume want to take a bite out of you because you're so goddamn delicious.

(A chef character appears and attempts to attack the Whopper player character.)

Jon (VO): Why is the chef an enemy here? A little late, dude. Throwing knives isn't gonna do much now. (referring to the game's enemies) What are these things? Is that a pickle? Is that a tomato or apple? What reason would they have to attack me? There's not much to this game, and it certainly doesn't make me wanna buy a Whopper. Nice try, guys, but I'm not that easily fooled.

Chex Quest (Chex; Windows/DOS)
(Jon dumps a box of Chex onto his table, and among its contents lies the Chex Quest CD.)

Jon (VO): Some companies even tried to package the game with the product. Probably the most famous example being Chex Quest, a DOOM clone involving green goo and a... television remote control. (sarcastic) Good job on this one, guys. Okay, but let's cut the crap and be honest: (whips out the Chex Quest CD) We're all really here for 50 free hours of America Online!

(Cuts to the America Online dial screen, with the infamous dial-up sound playing in the background.)

Jon (VO): 'THAT'S THE REEEEAL SHIT, BABY! GIVE IT TO ME!'

Cap'n Crunch's Crunchling Adventure (Cap'n Crunch; Windows)
Jon (VO): And of course, we can't forget the second greatest cereal hit: Cap'n Crunch's Crunchling Adventure. (shows footage of Cap'n Crunch commercials) I dunno about this guy, Cap'n Crunch. He doesn't strike me as being a very responsible person. Puttin' grody-ass CDs in children's cereal. Amd come on, this guy's always bursting through walls and shit. Who's gonna pay for that? '''What are you the captain of?! What's your rank?! '''Eh, Cap'n, be careful! You're gonna hit somebody!

Boy: "It's a disguise!"

Cap'n Crunch: "It's Jean LaFoote!" (subtitled and bleeped as "It's Sean Le F**K!?")

Jean LaFoote: (stereotypical French laugh)

(The game begins.)

Cap'n Crunch: "Hiiii! Before we get started, you need to choose the Crunchling you'll raise and train!"

Jon (VO): Yes, Cap'n. Which one of these mighty strong slave creatures should I purchase with my sack of crunch shekels? Which one will scream the least when I bite his succulent head?

Cap'n Crunch: "On the next screen, you'll give your Crunchling a name."

Jon (VO): You want me to name it? Well, I don't want to get too attached to the poor thing. Just put his name as Non Applicable, blast him with some colored piss and we'll be on our way.

Cap'n Crunch: "You're gonna raise the best Crunchling athlete ever! Crunchlings need lots of praise," (various transcribed bits of text accompanied by copyright symbols appear as he speaks) "as well as plenty of Cap'n Crunch cereal!"

Jon: Uh, yeah, lots of Cap'n Crunch to keep their bones from developing. You wouldn't want 'em to be... y'know, quick- too quick and nimble so that they can escape this literal dungeon you keep them in.

Jon (VO): Uh, okay, let's see here. What, do I pull on this? (pulls a lever, causing Cap'n Crunch cereal to fall into the cave for the Crunchling to eat) That's all you do? You just feed him Cap'n Crunch that falls from the ceiling when you pull a lever? What is this, a Quaker Oats wet dream?

(Jon pulls a lever on his couch, and a boatload of Quaker Oats flies at him in slow-motion while funky music plays in the background. The camera zooms in on his face to show a contented--or out of character--grin.)

Jon (VO): This game is really weird. You're just the caretaker of this Crunchling monster. Its got a food and happiness meter, which you can raise by feeding it one of three types of Cap'n Crunch cereal. And... tickling it? (a feather tickles the Crunchling and it laughs) I'm not sure what the end goal is here. I assume to train it for a gladiatorial Crunchling event where it will attempt to bathe in the blood of its rivals... (camera pans to the Speed, Jumping and Strength meters) uh, as seen here by the three training stats of Speed, Jumping and Strength. In the first minigame, you throw rocks at other rocks while a dinosaur in the background perpetually forgets why it's standing there. (upon finishing the game) Woah, this is a lot of hard work. I wonder how much training we got outta that. Hmm, hold on, lemme just see here. Let's just get closer...

(The stats merely show that a very tiny bit of Strength was received, and literally nothing else.)

Jon (VO): 'That's all the progress I made?! That e- tiny tip of a goddamn tick walkin' around on crutches and shit, about to expire an early death from polio?! 'How many times am I expected to play that minigame to level the stat up? You'd better win a lifetime supply of Cap'n Crunch for beatin' this.

(Cuts to a racing minigame set in a land called Backwardia, where even the signs are just straight-up backwards.)

Cap'n Crunch: "Anything can happen in this crazy place, but it always happens... backwards! You're going to race against this turtle on your skateboard."

Jon: What talk of madness is THIS?!!

(The turtle and Jon's Crunchling race down the street. The turtle is noticeably running backwards Tow Mater style, while Jon's Crunchling skates normally.)

Jon (VO): Wow, truly crazy place. It's so crazy, it even has a rollercoaster in the background. This game is complete bullshit. You're supposed to beat the turtle, but he's just, like, the most immaculate racer of all time. If you hit anything, even one thing... you can't recover. So what, I mess up once, the turtle's fuckin' gone?! He's just outta there. (finishes the race dead last) What can I say? The Cap'n, he expects perfection.

Jon: That's nice, Cap'n. But, ohhhh, that time you fucked up and your cereal was just all berries? (whips out box of Oops! All Berries and slams it on table) Huh? I still bought that shit. I didn't criticize you for it. You even gave it a sarcastic name... How soon we forget.

Jon (VO): Also, for some reason, there's a Gatorade ad inside this ad. Very effective.

Yoshinoya (Yoshinoya; PS2)
Jon: But not all companies were so sneaky about this. Some tried to sell you their own advertising outright!

Jon (VO): Take for example, Yoshinoya for PS2. Is this a videogame or their restaurant's smallest branch? (speaking into game case as if it were a menu) Yes, I'd like one beef bowl and a small Coke, PLEASE! I would have ordered large, but I am to believe you do not carry that size here!

Jon (VO): It's a Japan-only game, and the goal is to play as a minimum wage worker at a Yoshinoya beef bowl branch. Really? Couldn't I have at least been the boss? How is this even supposed to make me wanna buy more Yoshinoya? The game's not even free; you have to buy it! Mash square to pay off your student loans!

McDonald's Games
Jon (VO): Now, those are all great, but I'm sure what all you wanna see is how a true titan of a company would market their game. And you will not be disappointed.

Jon: (snaps fingers) Oh yeah, I'm talkin' clowns! Okay? Clowns everywhere!

(Footage of McDonald's commercials appears.)

Jon (VO): I've gotta say, I don't know how they've gotten away with using a clown as their mascot for so long... because Ronald McDonald does not make me wanna eat a hamburger. He makes me wanna call the police.

(Jon slams a Ronald McDonald doll down on the table.)

Jon: C'mon... Ain't ya hungry? Ain't ya hungry yet? (licks and smacks lips)

M.C. Kids (NES)
Jon (VO): First, let's look at McKids for the NES. Huh. Is it McKids or M.C. Kids? (an image of Michael Jackson and E.T. together appears) This was the 80's; anything was possible. The game starts off with two kids reading a story in a tent. "Ronald..." (notices and zooms in on the very off-model Ronald McDonald) Ech... What's goin' on with you, dude? You need a haircut or somethin'? A facelift? Somethin's off with you. Go get it fixed, please. "...was showing off his Magic Bag at a picnic in the meadow, when all of a sudden..."

Jon: I don't think you have to finish this story. I have a feeling I already know how it ends.

Jon (VO): Ronald, c'mon! Tuck away the Magic Bag back into your pants, alright? Nobody needs to see that! Take your meds!

(Ronald appears to one of the kids and asks him for help.)

Jon (VO): "Help! Help! The Hamburglar has run off with my Magic Bag! Please help us get it back!"? The fuck?! Get it yourself, you creep! We- Would you look at yourself?! You're a hunched over grown man clown... asking a child to help you get your... bag back! 'Back off! '"Search the levels of my Clubhouse and retrieve at least four of my Puzzle Cards."? Ronald... what are you, 46? You can't go around telling kids to scavenge through your Clubhouse!

Jon: This game is now promoting children... helping strangers, and then going into said stranger's private abode... for the promise... of a trade of a tasty hamburger... I don't see anything wrong with that if you don't.

Jon (VO): "If you come back to my house with four cards, I will show you how to get to Birdie's house!".

Jon: Is Birdie one of your backroom girls, Ronald?! When's the last time she's seen her PARENTS, huh?! You're a sick, twisted clown!

Jon (VO): It's so bizarre, isn't it? That games used to be used for marketing purposes like this? It fell out of style because it clearly doesn't work. It's too, I dunno, heavy-handed. I mean, get real already; we're not sheep. I mean, it's not as if this game would make me want to order a delicious McDonald's hamburger which has the perfect blend of crispy lettuce, meaty tomatoes, a patty sizzled to perfection, and all topped off with one... perfectly crunchy pickle. (unwraps and munches on a burger offscreen) Well, that's ridiculous.

Jon: (with a mouthful of burger) I'm two steps ahead of you, McDonald's, alright? Your marketing games aren't gonna work on me! (to someone offscreen) Hey, can you pass the ketchup? I mean, you can't have a burger without ketchup.

Jon (VO): Okay, first level. "Ronald's Clubhouse... The Clubhouse". Might wanna work on that name. This one is a direct rip-off of Mario World in terms of its assets and structure, but not so much the gameplay itself. That's pretty weird considering this was a high-profile commercial production.

(The boy destroys a series of tripwires in order to proceed.)

Jon (VO): Okay, beat that level... got that one... got that one... and we're good! Moving on.

(The boy can't seem to proceed to the next world as he lacks four Puzzle Cards.)

Jon (VO): Huh... What's goin' on? I can't seem to move on to the next world. Is this all there is? Oh, that's right. I gotta get Ronald's dirty cards to advance. But I can't find them. Shouldn't they be easier to find given that this is the first level?

(One of the Puzzle Cards is placed floating in the air below a platform, making it seemingly impossible to reach.)

Jon (VO): What about this one up here? I dunno how I'm supposed to get it. Am I supposed to throw a block at it? (boy throws a block at the card, but it merely ricochets back to the ground) No, that didn't do it. Ah! Maybe if I stack this block here, and... okay, I'll go get another one... bring it back... (the first block has disappeared) Oh, okay! The other one's gone. Whatever, this game sucks.

(The boy jumps into a tower of 3 stacked blocks each bearing an arrow pointing back, causing him to fly all the way back to the start of the level.)

Jon (VO): wooooooOOOOOO'OOAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! 'What is that about? I touch one benign thing in the level, it sends me aaaall the way back? I coulda gone out and bought another game in the time it took that to transpire!

Mick & Mack: Global Gladiators (Sega Genesis)
Jon (VO): Then we have Mick & Mack: Global Gladiators for Sega Genesis. Other than the random Golden Arches pasted everywhere, I'm not really sure about the relation to McDonald's on this one.

Rapper: "Are y- Are y- Are you ready?" (rap music) "Yeah!"

[YEAH?]

(rap music again; Jon cuts in)

Jon (VO): {WHAT?}!

Jon (VO): That's a hell of a soundtrack to start us off. So, as always, the scene is set at the local McDonald's branch. Two kids, who I'm assuming are Mick and Mack respectively, are seated at the table reading about what they call "Global Gladiators," who apparently they wanna become. "Yea! Being a Gladiator would be a blast!"

Rapper: "Are you ready?"

[ARE YOU READY?]

Jon (VO): I'm not sure, actually.

Rapper: "Aw- Aw- Awesome!"

[AWESOME]

Jon (VO): I feel like you're puttin' words in my mouth.

Rapper: "Yeah!"

[YEAH!]

Jon (VO): Oh, so you admit it!

(Ronald McDonald appears on screen.)

Jon (VO): "Hey guys! If you're looking for a blast... how about this?"

(Ronald casts magic on Mick and Mack, which sucks them into their comic.)

Mick/Mack: "Ouch!"

(Shows the same scene again, but this time all in red and with creepy music and a track of screaming people playing in the background.)

Jon (VO): ''What have you done, Ronald?! They were but children!''

Jon: You're gonna throw these kids into a gladiator world because, what, they were thinkin' about it?

Jon (VO): Every kid says he wants to be an astronaut! What are you gonna do, throw 'em into space?!

Jon: (holding burgers) Y'know, I could've bought 10 of these, Ronald, but I only went with 4 because I'm not supporting your reckless habits!

(The camera trucks back to reveal that Jon has purchased several burgers; he then looks down at them)

Jon: Okay, turns out... I bought 15. But my point is, you're a real monster! I don't agree with your ethics. (takes a bite out of a burger)

Jon (VO): Like I said, the only McDonald's branding on the whole thing is just the M in the corner. McDonald's corporate must've just really liked this game. Also, the game is very enthused to be paused.

(Jon pauses the game, and an upbeat rap sting plays.)

Jon (VO): What a sound effect. The gameplay on this is actually way cooler than you'd expect. If you took the McDonald's branding off it, you'd have a legitimate game here.

McDonald's Treasure Land Adventure (Sega Genesis)
Jon (VO): Okay, another one for Genesis. Wh- What am I even looking at here? McDonald's Treasure Land Adventure... Weird.

(Ronald McDonald moves across the level, throwing up tied handkerchief strings from his hands.)

Jon (VO): That's some batshit fruity shit there.

(Ronald then casts some magic)

Jon (VO): I wasn't even aware Ronald McDonald had magic! This is official? It looks like a ROM hack! Ugh, it's so wrong! Hey, maybe you coulda saved up some of that fairy dust to help cheer all the early-onset type 2 diabetes you helped create.

(Another off-model Ronald appears in a puzzle minigame.)

Jon (VO): Yes, eat McDonald! Am real humon! Am not faceless robot corporation! Am have real feelings, too!

Ronald McDonald in Magical World (Game Gear)
Jon (VO): Okay, one last McDonald's game to show you. Donald no Magical World for Game Gear. {"Ronald is always cheerful and happy,"}

(The camera zooms into Ronald's creepy blank stare.)

Jon (VO): Oh... Is that what that emotion is? {"..but a strange incident happened one day. It all started when Grimace found a strange looking box."} I'm surprised Grimace got outta bed this day. He's lookin' pretty checked out. {"When did you find that box?"} asks Ronald, the deadness on his eyes piercing Grimace's heart. {"It's going to explode, isn't it?"} First off, Grimace, a bit late there.

(A pointy nosed man appears from the box.)

Jon (VO): EW, GET OUTTA MY FACE!

[I invite you to join the Magical World!]

Jon (VO): You're inviting me to enjoy the Magical World? Well, what if I don't want to? {"Can you find the exit? Have a nice trip!"}?! What are you, Jigsaw?! There's not even for sure an exit in there? Yeah, good luck finding your way out! Hope there's not too much broken glass in there! What's with this trend of McDonald's games and people being thrown into magical worlds against their will? It's sadistic! Perhaps it's an allegory for our own lack of ability to resist the tasty confections of our fast food overlords. Our biological drive to endlessly dine on the sultry and salty goodness of a perfectly cooked burger.

Jon: Well, I think we're more than that, personally. I mean, we have more than just a base drive as a species! I mean... I'd like to think of us as a... a dignified and...

(Jon loses his train of thought, overwhelmed by the urge to consume more fast food.)

Jon: Food... Need more food.

(Jon checks the table, but there's only empty wrappers and cartons.)

Jon: Grimbo... Bring me more food! (grabs a chain and tugs on it) Jonny is hungry! Jonny is HUNGRY!

(Camera cuts to Grimbo, a Gollum knockoff, shackled to the chain, who hisses at Jon.)

Jon: Obey, Grimbo! Obey!

Grimbo: (chants in unknown language while waving his wand, which starts to crackle) I curse you, I currrrrse you!

Jon: Bad Grimbo! ''No curses, Grimbo! ''(yanks Grimbo's wand from his hand, causing Grimbo to hiss more) Go get Filet-O-Fish! Get Filet-O-Fish!

Grimbo: (hisses at Jon)

Jon: Go get it!

(Grimbo begrudgingly walks over to the counter, grabs a McDonald's Filet-O-Fish carton, and hands it to Jon.)

Jon: Good... Good Grimbo. Grimbo lives another day.

Grimbo: (blubbers in anguish, then goes to the oven and crouch-sits in front of it)

(Cuts to Jon taking a bite of the Filet-O-Fish, savoring it. He then looks around his room in confusion.)

Jon: Hmm?... Wait, what happened? Feel like I blacked out for some time there. (looks at the half-eaten Filet-O-Fish) What is this, food? (takes a bite of it) Eh... Yeh... Eh?... Could be.

[TO BE CONTINUED]

Sponsorship/Outro
Jon (VO): This episode was sponsored by the awesome people at Crunchyroll. Crunchyroll is a true-to-life premium anime streaming experience. You can't get better. Ad-free, 1080p, professionally subtitled, and episodes going up as soon as 1 hour after they air in Japan. D- Hot damn, that's fast! Please do yourselves a favor and go to Crunchyroll.com-slash-JonTron, or just click the link in the description to grab your free 30-day trial now. C'mon, that translates to, like, 30 days of Mobile Suit Gundam: Iron-Blooded Orphans! Well, lemme tell ya, those are some orphans you don't wanna f(bleep)k with.

Jon: I'm SCARED OF THOSE ORPHANS!

Jon (VO): So, I hope you all enjoy Crunchyroll as much as I do. See ya! And thanks for watching.

[THANKS FOR WATCHING!]

Part 2
Video Here ---\/ (The same title card from Part 1 is shown, except [PART 2] is now shown at the bottom, on the back of Jon's TV screen.)

Narrator: Last time on JonTron...

[LAST TIME ON JONTRON] 

Narrator: Drama.

[DRAMA]

Dr. JonTron: I'm sorry... We've lost the baby.

Woman: (distraught) Oh God!

Dr. JonTron: No-no-no, like literally lost him We can't find him... It's gone.

Woman: (gives Jon a confused stare)

Narrator: Romance.

[ROMANCE]

Dr. JonTron: Goddamn it! I love you!

Woman: (upset) What you mean you love me?! Why would you say that?!

Dr. JonTron: (sly) Playing hard to get, are you?

Narrator: Action.

[ACTION]

(Jacques is shown riding a motorcycle and firing an AK-47.)

Narrator: You don't wanna miss this. Stay tuned for more... of JonTron.

(Cuts back to reality so Jon can get things back on track.)

Jon: Wait-wait! Hold on, hold on! I- I don't remember any of that happening! That is not what happened in the last episode.

(Shows clips from the Cap'n Crunch's Crunchling Adventure segment of Part 1.)

Jon (VO): What I do remember is that we played a ton of games based on fast food marketing campaigns. But if you thought we were done... oh, how wrong you were.

Yo! Noid (Domino's Pizza; NES)
Jon (VO): Next on the list, the Noid. This was one of the strangest marketing campaigns of all time for Domino's Pizza. What exactly did they think this would do for their brand?

(An excerpt of a Domino's commercial featuring the Noid plays. The Noid reacts to the narrator mentioning the ways in which a pizza can be ruined.)

Narrator: "If you've ever gotten cold pizza, a squashed pizza, or pizza that just wasn't right..."

Jon: One time, I got annoyed the... pepperonis didn't come on my delivery pizza, that I... forgot to put 'em on.

(The Noid is seen next to a yellow device labeled "Pizza Crusher", laughing to himself and pointing at it.)

Narrator: "He loves to ruin your pizza."

(The Noid begins bouncing around on the Pizza Crusher, smashing holes in the ground below him.)

Jon: Well, then! He just... sounds like a bad guy to hang around then, doesn't he?

Narrator: "But at Domino's Pizza, we avoid the Noid!"

(The Noid sees the Domino's Pizza box and prepares to crush it with the Pizza Crusher. Upon doing so, the box opens, slapping the Noid away.)

Jon (VO): Is this really a testament to the pizza or the box it's packaged in? I dunno what the appeal was here, but apparently he was popular enough to get his own game.

(Jon opens up a pizza box to reveal the Yo! Noid cartridge.)

Jon (VO): Hm... Not gonna tip on this delivery. The game starts off with a 'YOOOO! 'Noid update... "Wild creatures led by 'Mr. Green' are assailing New York City."... Ooh, that don't sound too good. "The mayor knows that only the Noid has the power to stop them." The mayer. Spelt M-A-Y-E-R, huh? I'll assume he's referring to John Mayer. Uh, yes, very popular in the Yo! Noid universe for, uhhh, because of how much he looks like a big pepperoni. "Using his Super YoYo and other inventions, he will" (chuckles) "try." That's it? He will try? Well, that's all you could ask from somebody, isn't it?

(Cuts to the game's map, which notably looks absolutely nothing like New York City.)

Jon (VO): Ah, yes, the very accurate map of New York City we've got here. (pans all across the map) Of course, pictured after a devastating nuclear holocaust has ravaged the world, and grass and weeds have consumed the lands! (zooms into the lone tower) Eh- But at least Trump Tower still survived.

Donald Trump: I started off in Brooklyn, my father gave me a small loan of a million dollars, I came into Manhattan...

Jon (VO): (chuckles) Oh, God... This is the alternate universe where Trump wins, isn't it?!

(Level 1 boots up. The Noid jumps around a bit as the level sways up and down, continuously sinking into and rising from the water.)

Jon (VO): This first level is already excruciating. The perspective on the water is all out of whack. It's completely disorienting; sometimes you'll think you'll land on the wood, but you'll just touch the water and die. Or some fish will come up from beneath and fuck your shit up. There's no checkpoint, so you have to do each level in one beautiful run. It's hard.

(Jon passes level 1, and a minigame starts up.)

Jon (VO): "Welcome to the Pizza Eating Contest!"

Jon: Oh boy, I think I can win this one! (begins cramming several pizza slices into his mouth)

(Cuts to Jon laying on his couch in pain, turned away from the camera.)

Jon: (slurred from the pain) Ow... Ouch... I ate too much of the pizza. Oh, it hurts. It hurts real bad. (groans)

Jon (VO): "The area champion goes first", huh?... The fuck does that mean? After the end of each level, you get to this strange card game thing. Apparently, the pink guy's the area champion? I don't really understand the rules at all.

(Zooms in on the pizza selection part of the game.)

Jon (VO): How many pizzas do I want? W- What kind of question is that?! '''Gimme 'em all! '''From what I can gather, you just pick a bigger number than he picks. And whoever picks the bigger number wins the battle. (camera pans to an unlabeled meter at the bottom) The first to fill his pizza meter down here wins overall. Pizza meter. I said pizza meter. ["PIZZA METER"] Don't forget... that, ever. Tell that to your kids. Tell that to your grandchildren. So, it's just luck, I guess. Why would you ever pick the smaller number? "{Hee Hee! I creamed.} "Yeah. Okay, just as long as it's not on my delivery guy. "{Isn't that overdoing it?}" Hey, you're the one that's the supposed champion of this shit! You're the one makin' me do it! Oh, I get it now! I need to eat a pizza because I'm havin' a fuckin' panic attack over here! I need to g- I gotta stress eat!

Chester Cheetah: Too Cool To Fool (Cheetos; SNES/Genesis)
Jon (VO): Chester Cheetah also had his own game way back when... Chester Cheetah: Too Cool To Fool.

(The game begins, and Chester appears to move very sluggishly.)

Jon (VO): Oh, God! Ah, he moves so slow! Is that some sort of joke? He's a cheetah! I think this is the slowest video game character of all time! I mean, th- th- the turtle is faster!

Jon: But to be fair... he's on roller skates, so it's not really a fair fight.

Jon (VO): Maybe this is the actual speed of a cheetah who's been fed an exclusive diet of Cheetos his entire life. The music, too; it just... ugh, gets in your head, man.

(The game's music and sounds play over Jon as he displays an expression that can only be described as suffering.)

Jon (VO): If you wanna run--which is still not fast by the way, if you could believe it; it might be slower--you gotta hold down a button, and then he's like "Ah... Ah! I'm gonna do it!" And he doesn't even do it right away. It's the most unsatisfying, anticlimactic thing ever. But at least I can hump the ground in a pipe- in a cave. (Chester crawls through a pipe, the animation making it seem like he's humping the ground) Pipe... Can't get to the exit, but I can do this.

(Chester poses next to a monkey)

Jon (VO): (voicing Chester) "Yeah! Uh-huh, you ain't touchin' this! Come back when you're older, daddy-o!"

Kool-Aid Man (Kool-Aid; Atari 2600/Intellivison)
Jon: Hey, what about the Kool-Aid Man? He's kinda interesting; does he have any games? I could have sworn I had something around here, but I... thought I misplaced it!

(Jon looks over to the wall next to his door, seemingly expecting the Kool-Aid Man to come smashing through it like he tends to. Instead, the Kool-Aid Guy--a.k.a. Ethan from H3H3 Productions--gently opens the door and walks into the room.)

Kool-Aid Guy: Hey dude, what's up? Yeah... Here's your game, buddy. Your Kool-Aid game here, man. Here you go. I'm the Kool-Aid Guy, yeah. There it is.

Jon: Oh. Thanks.

Kool-Aid Guy: No problem, buddy. Hey, did you want some Kool-Aid before I left, dude?

Jon: Yeah, okay. That's--

Kool-Aid Guy: You wanna try a little Kool-Aid?

Jon: Okay.

Kool-Aid Guy: Punch me in the liver, dude!

Jon: (befuddled) What? Wha- I don't wanna--

Kool-Aid Guy: Punch me in the FUCKIN' LIVER!

Jon: I- I don't- I DON'T WANNA DO IT!!!

(Jon proceeds to deliver a flurry of anime-style punches to Kool-Aid Guy's stomach. As he does this, the Kool-Aid Guy pulls out a jar and starts violently regurgitating Kool-Aid into said jar in slow motion.)

Kool-Aid Guy: (in pain and hobbling) Eccch! Man! (gags and coughs) I said just once, man! Ugh...

Jon (VO): 'That was fucked up! 'Alright, this is Kool-Aid Man (coughs) for the Atari!

(The game begins. The opening cutscene is an abrupt, incredibly simplified version of the Kool-Aid Man bursting through a wall, as usual, to enter the first level.)

Jon (VO): (emotional) I'm gonna remember this moment for the rest of my life!

Jon (VO): In this, you play as a... jug of Kool-Aid, I guess. If you touch any of these cherry bomb guys, your pitcher goes all around the goddamn place, bouncing from wall to wall. But occasionally, the cherry bombs stop to take a... diabetic, sugar-lined piss and then, for some reason at that point you can collect them?

(The game's colors invert and the player character is immobile, implying a loss.)

Jon (VO): Huh? What? I can't move anymore. (it suddenly does move all over the place; referring to that and the black screen) 'The darkest night has only just begun! 'I have no idea what just happened. The game just stopped! I mean, I'm at a real loss. It just went black and stopped. I'm not even tryin' to make a joke here. Can anyone make sense of this? I know it's an old game, but it's not even trying to be coherent.

(Cuts to another try, but this time Jon's done his research.)

Jon (VO): So, I'll fill you in: Apparently, what's happening here is that below all of this is a body of water... very obvious, I know... that these guys, known as Thirsties, are sucking up through straws. (looks at the elongated straws) Yeah, those are straws, I guess. Not sure what the multicolored thing is about, but hey! Like I said, this was, uh, 1983; anything was possible. They elected Ronald Reagan, and he was pictured at least... several times with a chimpanzee. Uh, he ran the United States, uh, was also, uh in the feature film Bedtime for Bonzo. Y'know. You can only collect those guys if they're drinkin' the water. If the water goes down all the way, you lose. Uh, truth be told... I dunno why I didn't buy this game twice.

The California Raisins: The Grape Escape (The California Raisins; NES; unreleased)
Jon (VO): Up next, the California Raisins, also known as one of the most terrifying commercial campaigns to ever grace the United Sates. '''THEY MADE MICHAEL JACKSON A DRIED FRUIT! The King of Pop, they've made him a SUN-BLEACHED GRAPE!! '''Now, you may not even have known that this game existed, but that's because it technically doesn't. This game was fully finished, and then never released. The few real copies of it that do exist are held in very high value, (holds up the game's case) so I happen to have a reproduction cart here.

(Cuts to the title screen of the game.)

Jon (VO): It starts up with this nice splash screen? (zooms in on the Raisins themselves) Oh, okay. There's some judge raisins on a stand. "Calrab"? What does that mean? Is that short for California Raisins Band? If so, then why is it on the judge stand? Do they own the state? The story here is that the California Raisins have been kidnapped along with all their music... but, y'know, did you save an MP3 somewhere? You could just, y'know... burn a couple on a disc, then it's not lost anymore.

(Cuts to the gameplay.)

Jon (VO): In this game, you apparently attack by scooping a... piece of your stomach out and throwing it at the enemy. By the end of this level, there won't be much of him left. It plays pretty close to what you'd expect from a platformer from this era. I mean, it's not great, but I don't see why it was cancelable. I mean, they already spent all the money on making it. There's dead ends on practically every level, which is really annoying. But the bosses are pretty cool, I guess. I mean, I... think, eh, but cool is subjective, really.

(Cuts to one of the boss fights, where a grape bunch wearing a toga and a Roman wreath crown appears resembling a Roman emperor.)

Jon (VO): God has forsaken us!

(Jon defeats the grape boss.)

Jon (VO): Okay, that was the last boss. I put him out of his... misery. I dunno if all this was worth it, guys.

(The end screen appears.)

Jon (VO): "Congraturai--" Oooooh, oka-- (chuckles) When you beat the game, it says "Congraturaisins".

Jon (VO): (unamused) And it waaaaas WORTH it!

Pepsi Invaders (Coca-Cola; Atari 2600)
Jon (VO): Alright, here's a more straightforward one: Pepsi Invaders. It's just Space Invaders, but for Pepsi? Oh, but wait a second. Up there, it says Coke? So who's this game supposed to advertise for; Coke or Pepsi? (zooms in on the full text) Woah-woah, wait a sec! "Coke Wins"? But this is before the game even starts! I didn't do anything. This is irrelevant to the matter at hand. This is just a statement.

(Cuts to the gameplay, where a laser gun shoots at rows of letters composing the word Pepsi, with a little alien creature scuttling around at the end of each Pepsi row.)

Jon (VO): Oh, I see. So you're shooting Pepsi... as Coke. You're destroying them. Very subtle, guys. After some research, I found out that, unsurprisingly, this is an altered version of Space Invaders. But it was commissioned by Coca-Cola themselves for their 1983 sales convention. In some circles, the game is just referred to as Coke Wins. Probably a reference to that. (arrow points at the text from before) Nice one, guys. Classy. I'm sure everyone was very impressed. Can you imagine them putting this up on a big screen at a convention? I mean, how insecure you gotta be? There were only about 125 different copies made total. Nowadays, they can go up for $1300 or more.

(The last invader, the second P in Pepsi, starts quickly descending, as per usual for Space Invaders and its clones.)

Jon (VO): Ohhh! Here she comes!

(Strangely, when the P reaches the point where the player should fail, it keeps moving back in forth just above the Coke ship, never getting any closer. The timer at the bottom of the screen then runs out, ending the game suddenly and making all the text and the Coke ship flash red.)

Jon (VO): (chuckling) Oh... my- What?! If you wait for the P to come down and kill you, it just never does! What can I say, guys? You have such a superior product that Pepsi can't even win when it wins!

(Plays the flashing end screen again, this time exclusively focusing on the "Coke Wins" text.)

'Jon (VO): YEAAAAAH! COKE WINS! FUCK YOU, PEPSI! I'LL FUCK YOUR MOTHER IN YOUR OWN BED!!'

Jon (VO): Okay, Coke. We get it. You had your chance. Let's see how a tasteful company like Pepsi would market their product.

Pepsi Man (Pepsi; PlayStation)
(A cutscene from the game appears, depicting an overweight man in an easy chair laughing crazily while eating chips and watching television.)

Jon: Well, now we're gettin' into some deep shit. I don't know if I'm ready for that. Also, 'what?! (chuckles) WHAT?! Heh, WHAAAT?! WHAAAAAT?!?!!'

Jon (VO): Believe it or not, what you just witnessed was not the confiscated home video tape of a serial killer's mad ramblings... It was an official cutscene from Pepsi's own official PlayStation 1 classic... Pepsiman.

(More live-action cutscenes are shown.)

Jon (VO): I mean, look at this! This is how it really starts from moment one! It looks like a snuff film or something! As puzzling as it is, Pepsi made the choice to include all this live-action footage as part of the game. The game was Japan exclusive, but all the cutscenes take place in Los Angeles, California with... ''this guy. ''(obese man walks with a bunch of Pepsi cans and chip bags in his arms) OG Shoenice over here. He speaks English, too. He's subtitled in Japanese.

(A comparison of the street in the cutscene and the real street in Los Angeles via Google Earth appears.)

Jon (VO): Look, I even found the exact corner he's on in the city of Inglewood. Represent. Let's get together and make this a hallowed site, huh? Put up a monument or two.

(The screen zooms in on the Google Earth of the street; the store featured in the game is no longer there.)

Jon (VO): (chuckling) It looks like this guy left such a legacy, he ran the whole block out of business. Except for that El Pollo Loco, of course! 'Cause let's face it: Errbody need the Crazy Chicken!

(The man looks into his can of Pepsi.)

Jon (VO): Hey... what do you see in there? Actually, don't tell me. I wanna keep that part of myself intact.

(The man, on his easy chair, silently smiles wickedly.)

Man: (laughs) ...You're doin' pretty good!

Jon (VO): That doesn't mean much comin' from you!

(The man takes an audible swig from his Pepsi.)

Jon (VO): In this world, everyone relies on Pepsiman to solve their problems by... uh, restocking Pepsi machines... Yeah, okay. Checks out.

Pepsi Truck Driver: (out of breath) "I got a call that a vending machine ahead... ran out of Pepsi... and I was just on my way there..."

Jon (VO): Oh my God! That's, like, real desperation in that man's voice. He sounds like his family's been taken hostage.

(Footage of gameplay is shown. Pepsiman is seen running down a neighborhood street collecting cans of Pepsi that are strewn about for some reason.)

Jon (VO): Woah! Okay, this is crazy! I can't believe I never heard of this. You run through the streets and even through people's homes while collecting Pepsi cans and dodging Pepsi trucks and other obstacles. The comedic timing here is great. It's very Japanese.

(Pepsiman runs into a shed, crashing through a bunch of trash cans only to have one get stuck on him, revealing only his legs.)

Jon (VO): I dunno, though. There's just something unsettling about this. It's got a Truman Show thing goin' on. There's no music... and everything in this world is... Pepsi. They live, they die, for Pepsi... Pepsi is the currency, but Pepsi is also the enemy. Pepsi stops us, but it keeps us going, too. Pepsi is the hero, and the villain. The good and the bad, the yin and the yang! One thing cannot be wholly good or wholly evil. That would be naïve and unrealistic to assume. Yes... even our corporate titans have a crack in their façade. Well, their logo; it makes so much sense now. The blue represents the Pepsi, and the red represents the Pepsi... and the white represents an intricate inside job carried out by reptilians! Pepsi hung on a cross! He DIED for your sins! He was then jabbed in the side with a spear by the Romans. And a miracle! What came out... was Pepsi! And the Roman soldier, he drank from the Pepsi, and he said "Well, objectively, I just prefer Coke." And then, three days later, the Pepsi was flat.

(Cuts back to Jon's house, where food wrappers and cartons, paper soda cups and their straws, fast food to-go bags, pizza boxes with uneaten slices in them, chip bags, cereal boxes with spilled contents, and uneaten cookies litter the floor and furniture. Food waste is even stuffed into and draped over the neck of the plastic AT-AT in the background

Jon: Everything's goin' dark. (tugs on Grimbo's slave chain again) Oh, Grimbo, bring me a cold one!

(Cuts to Grimbo, who has either passed out or died from drinking too much Pepsi, the cans of which are scattered around his body. Grimbo himself glows with a slight blue aura, as if irradiated by the sweet elixir. Jon continuously tugs the chain in a futile attempt to wake him up.)

Jon: Oh no, Grimbo...! Grimbo drink too muuuuch! Oh... OH NO! GRIMBO! Grimbo, come back to me! Come back to me, Grimbo!

(Jon gives up and slams down onto the couch, the scene cutting to black just as he does. Sometime later, a Bustos delivery guy enters with a brand new Macaulay Culkin head bust to replace the one the miniature horse broke at the beginning of Part 1.)

Delivery Guy: Hey... Anyone home? We noticed that the tracking chip... in your last Macaulay Culkin head bust broke, so we brought you your emergency... replacement. (looks all over the room, noticing the mess caused by the ruckus earlier) Oh, wow... What happened here?

(Jon, asleep on the couch, suddenly wakes up.)

Jon: (sighs) Ah, sorry. I mean, I was playin' these video games based on food, and I guess things got a little carried away.

Delivery Guy: Oh my God. I see now. I finally get it... It's all clear. The true meaning of Thanksgiving... isn't food, or thanks... or family... or being a good, balanced person with personal responsibility. It that videogames... cause everything that's wrong in the world! Like obesity... real-life violence... and misogyny.

Jon: That makes perfect sense! I see now! Thank you, that's hilarious!

Jacques: (greenscreened over a U.S. flag) God bless the U.S. media.

(The episode ends.)

Sponsorship/Outro
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