Bubsy Collection/Transcript

[Text in brackets = actions or text spoken and shown on screen or text just shown on screen]

[The NormalBoots logo appears before being replaced by the JonTron logo in front of metal doors; the doors then open to reveal Jacques, who is calling Jon]

['Hit 'Em Up' by 2Pac plays as Jon's ringtone; Jon answers the call]

Jon: Hello?

Jacques: Jon, where are you?

Jon: Putting this episode off.

Jacques: You need to stack up and come review this game.

Jon: But I'm not hiding, though.

Jacques: Is Jacques gonna have to choke a bitch?

[Jon looks at a rock]

Jon: I think he bought it, Rockington.

[Camera cuts to Rockington, who has had a face drawn on him]

[Jacques teleports Jon to his house]

[Jon is shocked and tries to pretend he was reviewing a game]

Jon: Wh-wha-what?! No, I was reviewing a game the whole time, look! [He laughs nervously and fumbles for a PlayStation 3 box and puts it in the SNES while Jacques' eyes glow red] Jacques, that doesn't go in there, you silly bitch! [laughs, then frowns] Oh... [He takes the box out] You're right...

[Cut to Jon at his desk]

Jon: You're right, Jacques. This has to be done...

[Cut to Jon taking the Bubsy cartridge off the shelf]

Jon off camera: Bubsy.

Jon (VO): Bubsy was a bobcat toon. [I guess...]

Jon (VO): The video game company Accolade tried to push him as their mascot of sorts. You know, someone to rival the likes of Mario and Sonic. You did a good job here, guys!

Jon (VO): It's a cat... and you put him in a shirt-- bam. [It's Bubsy!]

Jon away from microphone: I quit!

[Jon holds the first Bubsy game cartridge in his hand]

Jon: Bubsy: Claws Encounters of the Furrred Kind. How could I fail? I don't-- I don't see how I could fail!

Jon putting the cartridge in: Ahhh, geez, I really don't wanna do this, but-- ah, you know. Contracts and the sort.

[The title screen flashes on the TV, first from the camera’s point of view, then it cuts to recorded footage of the game. The screen then goes blank and cuts to the title of the first chapter: Cheese Wheels of Doom]

Bubsy in-game: What could possibly go wrong?

Jon (VO): I dunno. You’re pretty safe with the Chapter 1 called Cheese Wheels of Doom.

[The camera zooms in on the text, then cuts to the level]

Jon (VO): So I’m willing to wager that [everything could go wrong!]

Jon (VO): The first thing you’ll notice is that this game is something I like to call a [‘float game.’] As in everything’s 'floaty! 'Even Bubsy. In fact, that's one of his main moves! I find it curious that they designed a bobcat that has two abilities: jump, and [float?...] What kinda- what kinda character design is this? It'd be cool if he was like, you know, a flying squirrel or a bat even. Then I'd have reason to feel justified in gliding! [???] I mean, when was the last time you were hiking and a freaking bobcat just came floating by? [It di- IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. 'S CUZ IT CAN'T HAPPEN!]

Jon (VO): I know some of you might call that nitpicking, but look how stupid it looks! It's a pants-less cat with a white exclamation T-shirt, fffucking floating around like Mary Poppins in a hurricane!

Jon (VO): The background is really disorienting. Just watch. When you jump up high, it just sort of stays put and all the platforms around you completely vanish, and it gives you a pretty poor idea of where you reside spatially. Also, every single button jumps!

[Footage is shown of Jon pressing a button on the controller repeatedly]

Jon (VO, slurred): That's a pretty good allocation of your buttons...

[Jon sees a gumball machine; its appearance is reminiscent of the save points in Sonic the Hedgehog]

Jon (VO): Oh, is that a save point? Let’s go check it out.

[Bubsy shatters into pieces when he touches the ‘save point’.]

Jon: Am I stupid? I really thought that was a save point.

Jon (VO): Like, seriously! Doesn’t that look like a midway save point to you? [footage is shown of save points from Super Mario World and Sonic the Hedgehog] Oh, whatever, you’re right. I forgot. Gumball machines are the cause of [200k deaths a year.] [‘This is... it’s serious...’] [— Guy who got Blue Gumball]

Jon (VO): Everything is just really shoddy, th-the hit detection is weird, the jumps are hard to make, and what-- wh- what- what killed me here?

[Replay of Bubsy dying]

Jon (VO): I mean, as you can see, there is a giant space in between me and Steve Martin Jr. here, now, okay, whatever.

Jon (VO): It feels like they wanted to make something like Sonic the Hedgehog here, but the levels are built like it's Mario. He's got some sort of ice momentum going on here. If you start running, he'll build up ridiculous speed, but since you die in one hit, your adventure is bound to end in seconds. It's like they didn't want you to have fun with this game, they wanted you to feel like a four-year-old who just ran out into the ice rink wearin' frickin' frictionless feet!

[Photoshopped boy model doing a walking animation over an image of an ice rink]

[Bubsy does a flip before falling to the ground and wobbling a bit]

Jon (VO): Oh, wh-what's going on here, Bubsy, you feeling alright? [Bubsy melts and the camera zooms in on him] '[I... MELTED?]'

[Replay of Bubsy falling and melting that plays twice]

Jon (VO): Was that... was that falling damage? They put falling damage in their motherfucking 2D platform game?!

[JONTRON QUITS]

{Song: ‘Call On Me’ by Eric Prydz}

Jon (VO): It's optional, but you can take these alternative paths that spice up the gameplay a bit. So let's see where this one takes us.

[The ‘path’ takes Bubsy right back to the beginning.]

[A shot of Jon awkwardly smiling plays; a lollipop with the word 'SUCKER' fades in over his face]

Jon (VO): What? It took me to the beginning of the level. Who cares? I don't care! I don't e-- [I DON’T EVEN CARE!]

[I care immensely.]

Jon (VO): This game wouldn't even be so bad if they slowed down the pace a bit and zoomed the screen out! Everything's too close-up! Before you know it, you get pelted with something you didn't even have a chance to react to.

[Another replay of Bubsy dying plays]

Jon (VO): You never know what to expect next! You just gotta kind of carefully inch along to beat this game, and hey, that's just no fun.

[Bubsy falls from a higher height and is flattened by the impact]

Jon (VO): Nope! No, look, [replay again] th- nope, there- there IS falling damage in this game, I'm not crazy. You- you can't put falling damage in a freaking platformer! That's like putting Sk- gravy... on Skittles.

[Pictures of gravy and Skittles appear]

Jon (VO): Alright, almost done with this level, just gotta... get a lit-da- [Bubsy jumps in a car and dies; replays follow] oh... ah... oh?

Jon: Jumping - in a car- killed me. No, it's, uh, no- really-- [to the tune of Deck the Halls] 🎵That's the way we wash our hands!🎵 [slams controller down and gets up] 🎵FA LA LA LA LAAA LA LAA LAA LA!🎵

[Cut to Jon sitting on his bed looking at the SNES]

Jon: I'll take your hit, Bubsy. I see what you're saying to me. Don't you worry, we're on the same level. [takes the cartridge out and throws it across the room] Jesus.

Jon: Let's try Bubsy 2. Maybe this one's a little better. What could possibly go wrong? [grabs the cartridge and holds it lcose and away from the camera intermittently] Yeah! Bubsy 2! Bubsy 3! Bubsy fuckin' 2!

[Cut to the opening title with Bubsy's theme while Bubsy changes the word "Personality" to "Purrsonality".]

Jon: Oh, don't expect those amazing puns to stop anytime soon. If anything, it speeds up from here.

Bubsy in game: Remember! I am a trained purrfessionall!

[Cuts to the title screen, it then cuts to Jon looking at the camera and the tv very confused.]

Jon(VO): I'm not exactly sure what is happening here on the intro screen but I do know that Bubsy turns around and is like "What the fuck iiiiiiiiiis this shit?!".

Bubsy in game: I like it!

Jon(VO):Apparently though, he likes it.

[Cuts to the game mode select screen.]

Jon(VO): So I can choose between 1 player, grand tour(whatever that is) and play for points. Yeah! Play for points! Gotta get that gamer score up and post it to SNES live yo!

(Yo! GATORADE ME BITCH.)

[Cuts to the opening level]

Jon(VO): Uhhh. Was the ending of Bubsy 1 that fantastical?? Did some plot development end up causing the Bubsy Universe to become a 1994 esque dystopian future? Well, clearly one thing's for sure. I gotta pick from West Wing or East Wing! Nevermind Bubsy 1 and Bubsy 2 over here, you know, WHOEVER THEY ARE.

Jon(VO): So what appears is Bubsy is in some weird place where he's gotta go to all these places where he's gotta beat all these levels- d- don't worry it's all explained perfectly.

Jon(VO): Well at least this time around we have more buttons to work with. You can jump, glide and use an item. Now by far the best feature in this game is whenever Bubsy dies, he'll say the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life!