The Zoo Race

Jon plays a very questionable religious game for Christmas.

Synopsis
It's Christmas time, and Jon asks Jesus how his birthday is going, before telling him that some really bad things are going to happen to him!

Playing games is hard work. A horse is shot out of a cannon, and Jon asks the viewer to brace themselves for The Zoo Race. Jon shows one picture to show what this game is all about. Jon wants everyone to get sad for Christmas!

The opening cutscene plays, and Hannah starts by questioning everybody's beliefs before walking off. Jon compares The Noah's Ark to Pokémon! A lady walks out of the room as soon as she gets within earshot, and Ruben asks loaded questions.

Hannah insults Ruben for everything, and Jon compares this conversation to two five year old's arguing over which ninja turtle is the best. Suddenly Ruben wants a race, and runs off! Jon is speechless and Ruben pops up from behind a desk. The people all turn into animals.

Jon sees the menu screen, and there are people running away on it, with J Pop playing. Jon watches the very slow credits. Dan Silverman is singled out for designing the tiger. Jon watches the animal party and sings about it, and finds a pharaoh goat. All of the screens look like a website from the early days of the internet. Jon reads the introduction text, and is relieved to find that this is a fictional story! Each animal has a title like a warrior, courageous and swim champion? Jon wonders how someone should be credited for making a 3D tiger render. Jon chooses to play as the pig.

The word nectarine appears on the screen for some reason, and the race begins. Jon is speechless as the race begins. Jon finds a goat that is stuck falling down into a wall. The pig glitches down a hole - wait, it wasn't a glitch! The track reminds him of Super Mario 64. Jon begins to have fun as barrels are thrown at him. The pig somehow wins. Noah comes running towards the screen.

The sheep goes from being hit by a train to driving it. The train crashes into a sign! Jon decides that he is done, only to find that the sheep are still alive in front of the sign it just crashed into. The only interesting thing about this game is looking at the weird designs and scripted events.

Most of the rest of the game is just confusion. The horse is way too eager on getting into the cannon. There is a pizza on the ground for some reason, and Jon gets stuck outside a fence. He gets onto a rocket and is launched to the moon. There is a NASA Space shuttle, a goat, and a bear with a hat on the moon.

Jon decides to call up to cancel Christmas. Jon thinks the fireworks should be placed further away from the pig - unless they are trying to make bacon. This game is a beautiful train wreck. The controls are wonky, the courses are mostly straight tracks with 90 degree turns, and there is no goal apart from winning the race and looking at Noah.

The next track tells Jon to avoid the obstacles - and has a picture of God. This level is pirate and Egyptian themed. The graphics aren't good enough to be able to tell if Noah is standing in a room of gold or banana peels.

Jon sings a song about saying no to drugs. The third track tells Jon to avoid the dinosaurs in Seth's Safari, but the whole track is covered in fire and fireworks. Jon preys asking where this game is going.

Trivia

 * This episode uses the Christmas theme