Space Ace!/Transcript

Video Here ---\/ [Text in square brackets = text not spoken but shown on screen]

{Text in curly brackets = text both spoken and shown on screen}

(The episode begins with part of the intro cutscene to Space Ace, where Dexter is running from Commander Borf's drones until the screen flashes red, the word "ENERGIZE" appears on screen, and Dexter assumes his muscular Ace form, allowing him to fight back against the drones.)

Jon (VO): Space Ace! The less successful cousin of Don Bluth's smash 1983 arcade hit, Dragon's Lair! I know what you're thinking: "Arcade hit? But what's this? It's like some sorta movie. This isn't a movie theatre! We're not watchin' The Lion King!" You're right! We're not!

[You're Right

WE'RE NOT]

Jon (VO): Don Bluth is ex-Disney! DUHHHH!

[DDDDDUUUUUHHHHHH] (Note: this text is in the Disney font)

Jon (VO): (chuckles) Fuck. It's weird now to think that there would ever be a successful arcade game that was basically the equivalent of joystick DDR, but you gotta think about it from the point of view of the average kid that thrived in the video gaming scene two decades ago: They'd walk into an arcade and you'd see somethin' like this (shows Donkey Kong Junior cabinet), somethin' like this (shows Dig Dug cabinet), and then-- w-WHOA! (shows Space Ace cabinet) What's that? The future?! Is that Blade Runner?! Izzat Elijah Wood in Back to the Future Two?!... (chuckles)

[GREAT SCRIPTWRITING.]

Jon (VO): These games were made by the living legend Don Bluth, or as he's better known: The Half Second-Cousin of Mitt Romney!

[THIS IS ACTUALLY TRUE]

Jon (VO): Or as he's BETTER known: The visionary behind such movies like Secret of NIMH, The Land Before Time, and An American Tail. At the time, this was really impressive. I mean, they were fully animated features. And look at this! (shows some animation cels from Space Ace and Dragon's Lair) I've even got some of the original cels from Space Ace, and the opening sequence from Dragon's Lair! Neato, right?

(Suddenly, Ross O'Donovan and Holly Conrad walk into the room, surprised to see Jon. Jon looks up from his Dragon's Lair cels.)

Ross O'Donovan: JON, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN OUR HOUSE?!

Jon (VO): Ahmeh-gah-ge-gah-ge--!

Holly Conrad: I'll get the guns.

Jon (VO): Even though it wasn't as recognized as its predecessor, and even though it's not really a game in the way we know today, it's still a dazzling experience to play Space Ace. So y'know what?

Jon: I think I wanna play me some Space Ace right now. You think I got me one of those Space Ace half-chubs, if you know what I'm sayin'. Can ya give me a high five? Can a brother relate?

(Jacques fires a hand that slaps Jon in the face.)

Jon: ...Well, if you wanna say it like that, I mean- I guess, that- it's how it's gonna be...

(Cuts to Jon standing at a Namco Cyber Lead arcade cabinet and fiddling with the controls. The screen and marquee are blank.)

Jon: I wanna play ssssssSPACE ACE, dangit! I'm gonna go figure this shit out. (kneels down)

(Cuts to the inner workings of the cabinet. Bats screech and fly by as Jon removes a panel from the cabinet's exterior and looks inside.)

Jon: Ergh!... Shit... I don't think this is gonna work.

(Cuts to the the interior of Arin's toy room.)

Jon: (walks in angrily) Gosh dangit, I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE m...

(Jon looks on in disbelief as lo and behold, on one of the Transformers shelves, a TFC Toys Hercules--a.k.a. Devastator--proudly holds the Space Ace cartridge. Jon slowly points at the cartridge.)

Jon: (offscreen) ...IT'S A SSSPACE ACE! IT'S FOR THE SSSSUPER NINTENDO! (accidentally knocks cartridge out of Devastator's hand) Thank y-- ahhhhh!

(Cuts back to Jon in Arin's game room.)

Jon: Space Ace on SNES, huh? Wonder if it's any good... I mean, after all, we're not dealin' with Sega CD and full motion video here. Bring the Sega CD footage.

(Shows footage of an old Sega CD footage from 1992, showing hectic, fast-paced footage of Night Trap while "Blood is Thin" by the avant-garde band Naked City plays in the background. The text [FULL MOTION VIDEO] violently shakes around said footage and changes colors between red, yellow, and purple. The footage ends with a slowed-down shot of the boy in the commercial. Flames and the word [CONTROL] in red partially fade in over him)

(Cut to Jon inserting the Space Ace cartridge into his SNES in reverse accompanied by stock Hanna-Barbera sound effects. The game's intro begins to play.)

(Cuts back to Jon and swings in on his excited face.)

Jon: Ohhhh...!

Jon (VO): Aw, yeah! Look at that! Snazzy to say the least.

(Cuts to footage of the game's opening crawl, which unfortunately goes by too fast for Jon to read properly.)

Jon (VO): Alright. "Borf: Alien. Seeks to establish his power on planet--" Uhhh, d- Okay... "Infanto-Ray. Weapon to render Earthlings--" Uh, d- ah, hey- Hey, um- Okay... would you mind slowing down the text a bit, or at least package in your game with a Fresh Prince of Bel-Air throne? 'Cause otherwise, I THINK WE'RE GONNA HAVE A PROBLEM! The fuck?!

(The screen fades from black to a cinematic showing off the main characters of the game. At first it shows just Dexter in his Ace form and Kimberly, but then it scrolls to the right away from Dexter to reveal the villain, Commander Borf.)

Jon (VO): So here we get a look of our main characters. Ace, our titular hero; Kimberly, the stereotypical damsel-in-distress; and Borf. Blue dude... He's fuckin' blue. Here's a list of ta- uh, tax receipts.

[Here's a list of

TA Uuhhgn

TAX RECEIPTS]

(Briefly shows a picture of several tax recipts accompanied by a 'cha-ching' sound before cutting right back to the cutscene. The perspective shifts back and forth between Borf and Dexter as Kimberly eyes them both.)

Jon (VO): Oh, okay! Hmm! Apparently, they really like the look of each other. Hey, Ace. You don't gotta 'splain nothin' to me! I know that feel right there. Can't take your eyes off each other. Don't worry, I'm just as confused as you, lady.

(The cutscene ends with the perspective shifted back to Dexter. Kimberly's eyes turn to the player and she winks at you before the screen fades to black.)

Jon (VO): The f-... Th- The fuck was-... The fuck was that? Why'd you wink at me?... What do you know that I don't?! I don't even know.

(Fades into the first few seconds of the game where Commander Borf stands on a floating platform firing his laser gun at Dexter, who runs around trying to avoid it. Upon being hit, however, the screen quickly fades to black and a small screen appears that at first shows static, but then reveals Dexter being hit by a laser, wobbling a bit, then collapsing.)

Dexter: "Hmm-hmm!"

(Cuts to Jon, looking at what he just saw in sheer disbelief.)

Jon: Oh... (wipes forehead) What was... What was tha--? Oh, here-- oh-- here it comes!- No, ah-- OH, I CAN'T STOP IT!

(Flames transition the screen to a flashing image of Christopher Walken in space. Surrounding him is the text [SPACE WALKEN] that flashes between red and yellow.)

Jon: (modulated voice) DRAAAAGH.

Jon (VO): What the fuck?! It's like five seconds in the game, and I already died due to some bullshitly hard laser. And what- What sound did he make upon dying?!

Dexter: "Hmm-hmm!"

Jon: Hmm-hmm??

Dexter: "Hmm-hmm!"

Jon: Hmm-hmm...... ' HMM-HMM?!?!! '

Jon (VO): No, d- I mean, what kind of death sound is this?! Like, I can't even get over it! I think this is the absolute fastest a game has left me speechless. No, literally! It's-a-mothafuckin' humming, and th- Bring on the mariachi band!

(An image of a mariachi band appears, but they begin playing a section of "Embodied Deception" by Fleshgod Apocalypse while flames appear behind them.)

Jon (VO): THAT'S NOT MARIACHI!

(Cuts back to gameplay.)

Jon (VO): The very first thing you'll notice about this game is, well, I'm pretty sure they didn't want you to control it. I mean, this guy controls like he's having a romp through a field o' honey! Okay, maybe I can dodge the laser by goin' up here...

(Jon has Dexter jump up toward the edge of the platform, only to cut to a screen where Dexter screams as he falls off a cliff.)

Jon (VO): Ah, jeez... FUCK! Come on, this is the first goddamn screen of the game! Why is it so HARD?!

[SO HARD?!]

Jon (VO): What is it with the adaptations of the Don Bluth arcade games and having notoriously difficult first screens?! Can't be coincidence. But hey, we are dealing with a game made by Absolute here. Yeah, the same people that made the Home Improvement game. Ah- dzeh- I- This is a home improvement over nothing. [NOTHING.] (snorts) So it turns out this is just a firing pattern you have to memorize. How gracious of the creators to aid you in this challenge by giving you a straight-up one-hit death. It's one o' those games. You know, no matter what it is, one hit and you're dead. And I mean, if it's so much as touches the area around your tiniest pixel, you're DEAD!

(Shows footage of the arcade version of Space Ace, comparing it side by side with the SNES version.)

Jon (VO): If you take a look at the arcade game, you see that they were pretty much trying to emulate it to a T. Looks cool here... not so much here... Awesome here...! but hey, I don't know, when it's here... I think I gotta catch a bus or somethin'. Couldn't they have at least used the Space Ace music or something? I mean, that was awesome! Instead, we literally get a loop of... this!

(Shows gameplay footage overlaid with the endlessly-looping snippet of music that plays throughout the entire game.)

Jon (VO): Ugh, this?! What is this?! It hurts!

(Shows gameplay of Dexter running from Borf's drones. Dexter jumps from platform to platform, but every time he lands, he grunts painfully.)

Dexter: "Nnngh!"

(Jon, confused over this, makes Dexter jump again to another platform, only to receive a very similar result.)

Dexter: "Ohh!"

Jon: He makes... a painful sound... when he jumps-- He makes the SOUND... of AGONY, FROM HIS BASIC JUMP ABILITY! WHAT?!? I--

Jon (VO): Is this game a piece of conceptual art, an experiment in making the player feel self-loathing for attempting to play the game? If so... I applaud them. (audibly claps) In what game-- No, I mean, seriously- e- e- even among the worst games ever created, in what game does your character cry in agony from jumping?!

Dexter: "Nnngh!"

Jon (VO): Th- Seriously, it makes me feel bad! I don't wanna make him jump now! It's li- It's like when grandma is getting up when you want to go to the store and she's like, "Ech, ech, nyech!" and you're like: "Ah, 's- Ah, it's alright, grandma. Just sit down, don't worry about it." I mean, what if you were playing Braid, and he's just like: "ACH, OW! OH GOD! Please stop playing! Please! Stop!" Man, you wouldn't want to solve time puzzles anymore! You just want to get him a fuckin', eh, chocolate milk or somethin'! These jumps are absolutely impossible to make sometimes. Quite unbelievable, in fact. The game is going for some sort of semi-isometric perspective, but it all looks like it's on the same plane, so when you try to make a jump like this, you're bound to fall. It's borderline random!

Dexter: (falling off cliff) "AAAAAAAAH--!!"

Jon (VO): Not to mention, you have to hold down the B button to jump higher, and the MOMENT you let go, he'll fall no matter where you are in the jump. So you have to time it just right, or you'll fall. {IT AIN'T}... {FUN}. But hey, at least you get a little animation after you die! Here's a lollipop after your doctor's visit... D'uh, you may have herpes, but it's s- s-... tastes like... cinnamon. Also, apparently, I'm supposed to be able to turn into a muscular version of Ace here where it says "Energize," but I'm pushing every damn button on the controller, and nothing's happening! So, okay, I assume that I had to maybe collect enough of these, uh, floor... things [THINGS?] to do it. That's how you know you made a good game, when you make the player question: "{Hmmm...} maybe if I collect [MAYBE IF I COLLECT] enough of these fucking floor panels, then the game will work!"

Jon (VO): SOMEBODY... Gr- Grab me a... whiskey!

Dexter: (collecting red disks) "Far out. Far out."

Jon: (leans into camera) ...Far out.

Jon (VO): So after about three hundred million tries, Ace gets in his space ship and zooms off. Alright, on to the next level: Space Maze!... N- de- eh... Space Maze...

(A laugh track plays.)

(Cuts to ship gameplay where Dexter flies his ship through a slightly narrow maze, firing its laser cannons at random.)

Jon (VO): JESUS, WE'RE GOIN' IN HARD! STRAP IN! (grabs a Guy-Manuel de Homem-Christo Daft Punk helmet and puts it on, popping into place with a squeak)

(Shows more footage of the Space Maze level, showing Dexter firing his ship's cannons at a green sphere.)

(Cuts back to Jon in his helmet, now holding a Star Trek phaser in his right hand and a joystick in his left. The entire screen is red and an alarm blares in the background.)

Jon: (firing phaser at random) WE'RE IN FOR SOME CHOP!

(Shows more craziness of Space Maze)

(Cuts back to Jon firing lasers again)

Jon: ''IN THE PIPE! FIVE BY FIVE!''

Well, at least it lives up to it's name: "space maze."

Where do I fricken' go!? What is this, how do I d-what is it--? WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO GO?!

So it turns out you ARE supposed to go into these black hole things, but only... sometimes, I guess? They take you to the different levels, but only... sometimes. Hey, some labels would have been nice! You know, like any other game ever?

Alright, well, I finally found one that works, let's see where this takes us.

D'uh, I guess it's some side-scrolling level. Eh, that guy sure has some good aim.

Jesus Christ! How are you expected to do this, all in one life? This is absolutely masochistic! It's not even fair! These pillars are sprouting up everywhere, and if you even barely scrape by one, you're dead and have to start all over! I CAN'T! MMMMM!!!

Oh, everybody's favourite, Space Maze. Oh... I don't care, next level.

"Barren Wasteland."

Yeah, you hit that nail right in the head.

Oh. Bunnies?

Don't worry everyone! It's just the level with the fucking mutant bunnies! You know, the one with the GOD DAMN PURPLE BAH-KNEES?

Dff, what?! Jesus! That was f-brutal!

When you die by the bunnies, all three of you just fall of the cliff simultaneously, jeez! 9 Haaaaah, they fell, they all fell. Dust in the wind. Sh-I'mma get sued by Kansas!

Oh, who's this guy? Hey, is that toast? Uh, nope. It's just a giant hand of death.

Alright, almost at the end of the level here.

Oh my god, what do I do- where- where do I go, what do I do, WHAT DO I DO?!?

Okay. UH-KAY. UH-KA. UH-K. UH-CH.

What? The...the screen just stops scrolling! What was I supposed to go? I was almost at the end! Now I gotta go back and do all of this shit again... I can just...

Okay.. almost there again!

You... you beat the level... WITH A LEAP... OF FAITH?!! ...

I give up, that's it.