Bubsy Collection/Transcript

[Text in brackets = actions or text spoken and shown on screen or text just shown on screen]

[The NormalBoots logo appears before being replaced by the JonTron logo in front of metal doors; the doors then open to reveal Jacques, who is calling Jon]

['Hit 'Em Up' by 2Pac plays as Jon's ringtone; Jon answers the call]

Jon: Hello?

Jacques: Jon, where are you?

Jon: Putting this episode off.

Jacques: You need to stack up and come review this game.

Jon: But I'm not hiding, though.

Jacques: Is Jacques gonna have to choke a bitch?

[Jon looks at a rock]

Jon: I think he bought it, Rockington.

[Camera cuts to Rockington, who has had a face drawn on him]

[Jacques teleports Jon to his house]

[Jon is shocked and tries to pretend he was reviewing a game]

Jon: Wh-wha-what?! No, I was reviewing a game the whole time, look! [He laughs nervously and fumbles for a PlayStation 3 box and puts it in the SNES while Jacques' eyes glow red] Jacques, that doesn't go in there, you silly bitch! [laughs, then frowns] Oh... [He takes the box out] You're right...

[Cut to Jon at his desk]

Jon: You're right, Jacques. This has to be done...

[Cut to Jon taking the Bubsy cartridge off the shelf]

Jon off camera: Bubsy.

Jon (VO): Bubsy was a bobcat toon. [I guess...]

Jon (VO): The video game company Accolade tried to push him as their mascot of sorts. You know, someone to rival the likes of Mario and Sonic. You did a good job here, guys!

Jon (VO): It's a cat... and you put him in a shirt-- bam. [It's Bubsy!]

Jon away from microphone: I quit!

[Jon holds the first Bubsy game cartridge in his hand]

Jon: Bubsy: Claws Encounters of the Furrred Kind. How could I fail? I don't-- I don't see how I could fail!

Jon putting the cartridge in: Ahhh, geez, I really don't wanna do this, but-- ah, you know. Contracts and the sort.

[The title screen flashes on the TV, first from the camera’s point of view, then it cuts to recorded footage of the game. The screen then goes blank and cuts to the title of the first chapter: Cheese Wheels of Doom]

Bubsy in-game: What could possibly go wrong?

Jon (VO): I dunno. You’re pretty safe with the Chapter 1 called Cheese Wheels of Doom.

[The camera zooms in on the text, then cuts to the level]

Jon (VO): So I’m willing to wager that [everything could go wrong!]

Jon (VO): The first thing you’ll notice is that this game is something I like to call a [‘float game.’] As in everything’s 'floaty! 'Even Bubsy. In fact, that's one of his main moves! I find it curious that they designed a bobcat that has two abilities: jump, and [float?...] What kinda- what kinda character design is this? It'd be cool if he was like, you know, a flying squirrel or a bat even. Then I'd have reason to feel justified in gliding! [???] I mean, when was the last time you were hiking and a freaking bobcat just came floating by? [It di- IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. 'S CUZ IT CAN'T HAPPEN!]

Jon (VO): I know some of you might call that nitpicking, but look how stupid it looks! It's a pants-less cat with a white exclamation T-shirt, fffucking floating around like Mary Poppins in a hurricane!

Jon (VO): The background is really disorienting. Just watch. When you jump up high, it just sort of stays put and all the platforms around you completely vanish, and it gives you a pretty poor idea of where you reside spatially. Also, every single button jumps!

[Footage is shown of Jon pressing a button on the controller repeatedly]

Jon (VO, slurred): That's a pretty good allocation of your buttons...

[Jon sees a gumball machine; its appearance is reminiscent of the save points in Sonic the Hedgehog]

Jon (VO): Oh, is that a save point? Let’s go check it out.

[Bubsy shatters into pieces when he touches the ‘save point’.]

Jon: Am I stupid? I really thought that was a save point.

Jon (VO): Like, seriously! Doesn’t that look like a midway save point to you? [footage is shown of save points from Super Mario World and Sonic the Hedgehog] Oh, whatever, you’re right. I forgot. Gumball machines are the cause of [200k deaths a year.] [‘This is... it’s serious...’] [— Guy who got Blue Gumball]

Jon (VO): Everything is just really shoddy, th-the hit detection is weird, the jumps are hard to make, and what-- wh- what- what killed me here?

[Replay of Bubsy dying]

Jon (VO): I mean, as you can see, there is a giant space in between me and Steve Martin Jr. here, now, okay, whatever.

Jon (VO): It feels like they wanted to make something like Sonic the Hedgehog here, but the levels are built like it's Mario. He's got some sort of ice momentum going on here. If you start running, he'll build up ridiculous speed, but since you die in one hit, your adventure is bound to end in seconds. It's like they didn't want you to have fun with this game, they wanted you to feel like a four-year-old who just ran out into the ice rink wearin' frickin' frictionless feet!

[Photoshopped boy model doing a walking animation over an image of an ice rink]

[Bubsy does a flip before falling to the ground and wobbling a bit]

Jon (VO): Oh, wh-what's going on here, Bubsy, you feeling alright? [Bubsy melts and the camera zooms in on him] '[I... MELTED?]'

[Replay of Bubsy falling and melting that plays twice]

Jon (VO): Was that... was that falling damage? They put falling damage in their motherfucking 2D platform game?!

[JONTRON QUITS]

{Song: ‘Call On Me’ by Eric Prydz}

Jon (VO): It's optional, but you can take these alternative paths that spice up the gameplay a bit. So let's see where this one takes us.

[The ‘path’ takes Bubsy right back to the beginning.]

[A shot of Jon awkwardly smiling plays; a lollipop with the word 'SUCKER' fades in over his face]

Jon (VO): What? It took me to the beginning of the level. Who cares? I don't care! I don't e-- [I DON’T EVEN CARE!]

[I care immensely.]

Jon (VO): This game wouldn't even be so bad if they slowed down the pace a bit and zoomed the screen out! Everything's too close-up! Before you know it, you get pelted with something you didn't even have a chance to react to.

[Another replay of Bubsy dying plays]

Jon (VO): You never know what to expect next! You just gotta kind of carefully inch along to beat this game, and hey, that's just no fun.

[Bubsy falls from a higher height and is flattened by the impact]

Jon (VO): Nope! No, look, [replay again] th- nope, there- there IS falling damage in this game, I'm not crazy. You- you can't put falling damage in a freaking platformer! That's like putting Sk- gravy... on Skittles.

[Pictures of gravy and Skittles appear]

Jon (VO): Alright, almost done with this level, just gotta... get a lit-da- [Bubsy jumps in a car and dies; replays follow] oh... ah... oh?

Jon: Jumping - in a car- killed me. No, it's, uh, no- really-- [to the tune of Deck the Halls] 🎵That's the way we wash our hands!🎵 [slams controller down and gets up] 🎵FA LA LA LA LAAA LA LAA LAA LA!🎵

[Cut to Jon sitting on his bed looking at the SNES]

Jon: I'll take your hit, Bubsy. I see what you're saying to me. Don't you worry, we're on the same level. [takes the cartridge out and throws it across the room] Jesus.

Jon: Let's try Bubsy 2. Maybe this one's a little better. What could possibly go wrong? [grabs the cartridge and holds it lcose and away from the camera intermittently] Yeah! Bubsy 2! Bubsy 3! Bubsy fuckin' 2!

[Cut to the opening title with Bubsy's theme while Bubsy changes the word "Personality" to "Purrsonality".]

Jon (VO): Oh, don't expect those amazing puns to stop anytime soon. If anything, it speeds up from here.

Bubsy in game: Remember! I am a trained purrfessionall!

[Cuts to the title screen, it then cuts to Jon looking at the camera and the tv very confused.]

Jon (VO): I'm not exactly sure what is happening here on the intro screen but I do know that Bubsy turns around and is like "What the fuck iiiiiiiiiis this shit?!".

Bubsy in game: I like it!

Jon (VO): Apparently though, he likes it.

[Cuts to the game mode select screen.]

Jon (VO): So I can choose between 1 player, grand tour(whatever that is) and play for points. Yeah! Play for points! Gotta get that gamer score up and post it to SNES live yo!

(Yo! GATORADE ME BITCH.)

[Cuts to the opening level]

Jon (VO): Uhhh. Was the ending of Bubsy 1 that fantastical?? Did some plot development end up causing the Bubsy Universe to become a 1994 esque dystopian future? Well, clearly one thing's for sure. I gotta pick from West Wing or East Wing! Nevermind Bubsy 1 and Bubsy 2 over here, you know, WHOEVER THEY ARE.

Jon (VO): So what appears is Bubsy is in some weird place where he's gotta go to all these places where he's gotta beat all these levels- d- don't worry it's all explained perfectly.

Jon (VO): Well at least this time around we have more buttons to work with. You can jump, glide and use an item. Now by far the best feature in this game is whenever Bubsy dies, he'll say the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life!

Bubsy in game: I'll be back!

Bubsy in game: Ah, nuts!

Bubsy in game: Oooh!

Bubsy in game: Keep it up, just keep it up!

Jon (VO): He'll make some quote from a famous movie or something. Although dissimilar to the likes of Duke Nukem, when Bubsy makes these references, it's not in theory, it's just annoying.

Bubsy in game: Is the record strike over yet?

Jon (VO): Apparently not, Bubsy, apparently not.

Jon (VO): Wow, they should have called this game Drugsy! (laughs) [Becauhs uhmean wow], looks like it's on drugs. What's going on in this picture? It's like some Salvador Dali shit. You got pig statues, and bouncing pigs, and pig lady, what is this, what, is it [Pig World?] Oh okay, it's- it's Hamalot. ['S H-- It's Ha-- Iss Hamalot...]

Jon (VO): Good one, Bubsy. Hey, wanna be a cast member on Sat-purr-day Night Live? I know you'll make the MEOWST OF IT! [Suddenly distant] I'm leavin' ya, Bubsy!

Jon (VO): It's just like they drew up about two hundred assets and dump them all into this world with no cohesiveness whatsoever! I mean, I guess it seems like they're really trying here, but my God, it's a clusterfuck to the eyes! I-I can't play this, it's like a fever dream!

Jon (VO): Why is he doing that? Why is uh.. Wh- Why is he doing that for? What is the rea- What is the reason for this?

Jon (VO): It's hard to explain, but you don't get the same kind of environmental feedback like you would in Donkey Kong. Bubsy doesn't have much weight or feel like he's really there, so it's hard to play and control. You'd have to be really young to get any enjoyment out of this. I mean, Bubsy 2 is marginally better than Bubsy 1, but it's honestly only because of a better art design.

Jon (VO): Okay, this whole situation's starting to make me vomit my mouth too bit, so let's graduate to our final stop on this... journey.

Jon: You don't want this. You think you want this now, but trust me, you don't want this.

Jon (VO): Bubsy 3D for the PlayStation 1.

Jon (VO): Apparently, it's winner of the Gold X Award. "One of the sleeper hits a '96". Yeah, quote from the guy who made Bubsy 3D.

Jon (VO): "Run, jump, swim, and fly anywhere"! "Get your paws on a mess of atoms for extra lives"? Okay, hold the phone, having 1-Ups in your game is not a selling point, let alone a bullet on the back of the box! I mean you can just tell they were really stretching to say even one good thing about this game. "Play 'Cat and Mouse' in a unique two-player mode"! Yeah, okay.

Jon (VO): But hey, this games from the good old days where the game manual is actually the cover of the jewel-case. And by "good old days", I mean, good Lord, is it hard to get this thing out! It's got these two little bumps here that keep it from slipping out and four pins holding it in place. There's really no easy way to get it out. Not like you're gonna need instructions on how to play Bubsy 3D, an instruction manual on better game selection might be more useful to you at this point.

Jon: I don't want to do this, I'm just letting you know... that this is a baaaaaad idea!

Jon: What could possibly go wrong?

Jon (VO): Whoa, hey, woah now, I think we know where all the budget went.

Jon (VO): So as it would seem, the bad guys in Bubsy 3D are the sneezing enemies from the first game, and like, Hell, that's actually what they went with, as if they were like "[NOPE], they were the first enemies in the first one! [THASSIT]. The-They have to be the main enemy, we can't come up with anything better than this, than fuckin' THIS!".

Jon (VO): Dude, parallel universe Shigeru Miyamoto's like "[Uhhhh, da goombas] st- are the first enemies seen the first game. Wh- [That's it]. [Main villain]". 5 STARS! A+! 4 STARS!

Jon (VO): Man, if these are the cutscene graphics, I don't know that I want to see the real game.

Jon (VO): Bubsy is 3D in Furbitten Planet, [because talent].

Jon (VO): Well, there you have it, Bubsy 3D! Now this is truly art right here. Yeah, you are lookin' at fine art. Where do we even begin with this?

Jon (VO): Bubsy 3D's controls can't even be categorized as bad, they're closer to unfinished. It's nonsensical how you move in this game and it goes beyond every gaming convention.

Jon (VO): It's hard to explain, but you can't run around freely like in Mario 64, you can only go straight forward and straight back. To turn, you literally have to move your trajectory left and right and then go forward when you got the direction you want to go. In turn, this makes Bubsy 3D feel more like a freakin' strategy game than a platformer. And, oh, don't you forget, this game wants you to know that this is the true essence of a platformer.

Bubsy in game: Now, what would a platform game be without platforms? Hmm...

Jon (VO): Now, if you would just take a nice look at these, uh, platforms, yep, that sure is a platform alright. A non colored, non-polygonal, non-textured platform. Bubsy 3D! ["LITERALLY A PLATFORMER"]!

Jon (VO): Oh, God! OH, GOD!! Who looked at this and thought it was okay?! This is what the Alpha Version 0.0.1 of a game should look like, not the finished product!

Jon (VO): Now it is true that Mario 64 revolutionized 3D platformers and changed the way we expect them to function, but Mario 64 came out on June 23rd 1996, whereas this game came out October 31st 1996. That's about three months later. And if you're blaming the PlayStation 1's 32-bit limitations, just take a look at Crash Bandicoot, still before Bubsy 3D on August 31st 1996!

Jon (VO): So let's talk about jumping. When you jump, and this is every time you jump, for some reason, the camera pans down at the ground, I suppose to help you see where you're gonna land, but after a while, it just kind of gets nauseating and obstructs your view. There were just so many poor design choices here that it's impossible to count them all off the top of my head. And, oh, don't lose any sleep, Bubsy still says things. Oh, does he ever still say things.

Bubsy in game: Oh look, an arrow, aren't these game designers wonderful?

Jon (VO): And how truly ironic! A game developer’s job in most cases is to create a living world that ceases to be fake in the mind of the player, I mean think about it. Even if the game constantly breaks the fourth wall like in Duke Nukem or Monkey Island, the world is still believable. Your suspension of belief kicks in and your mind allows you to meld with game environment as if you were actually there! When a game like Bubsy 3D makes self-referencial humor, i-i-it just seems foolish. Having the designers of this game refer to themselves as designers, ugh, somethin' just feels wrong about it. [GAAAME THEORY TIIIIIME]! The more you know.

Jon (VO): I mean look at the walls and the ground, it's about as basic as you can get for polygonal game. Bubsy himself is the best looking model in the game, and even he has only like five frames per animation. I suppose what your goal in this game is is to find the 32 missing pieces of your escape rocket or something. There's 16 levels in this game, so I suppose that would be two rocket pieces per level?

Jon (VO): The game actually comes with a little map of the first three levels. Ah! From way up here, it looks like Sonic 3D Blast, almost makes you feel a little bad. Someone put their heart and soul into this game, and maybe it was really the best they could do. I mean, they even named different areas and gave the levels clever little names like "Claws for Alarm" and "Clawstrophobic" and "Catatomic Catastrophe".

Jon: Did I just say I felt bad? Let me rephrase that. I feel bad for me.

Jon (VO): You think I'm skipping you here or somethin'? No. This is all there is to show. There's nothing more, you just walk around this place and grab atoms. [That's]... [it]! And it's hard to even grab them, the hit detection is so precise. I mean, if you can't even get the coins in your game right, I mean, you want it to be gratifying, you want to be like "[YEAAAAAAAAHHH CUOINS!]" (coughs) You don't want it to be like "Um, hi, yes, I- um, oh, excuse me, sorry, I just, uh, trying to grab that coin... Jeff Goldblum". [Jeff Bubsbloom]

Jon (VO): Wait, wh-... What?! Turns out, if you leave your controller idle for too long, Bubsy starts messing around your TV settings.

Jon: No, look! Seriously, look! That's it, that's the best thing... That's the best thing in the whole game, he just- he's fuckin' with my TV. [Good.]

Jon (VO): I think you know, admit it or not, you just have to know that you failed at making your game when the player has a hard time walking from point A to point B. Now, no distractions, no obstacles, just walking in a straight line. Watch the fuck out, citizens of Bubsyland. Captain Bubsy is drunk as shit again and heavily armed with puns!

Jon: You know, Jacques, we didn't have to do all that, play all those games, you know, uh- Rockington agrees with me, okay? You can be a bit of a, you know, a Type A personality sometimes, and... I don'- I don't care, I'm gon- I'm gonna say it, I'm gonna speak the truth. I DIDN'T MEAN IT!!

['Bad Day' by Daniel Powter plays]

[Jon doesn't know how to end videos]