Titanic: The Legend Goes On/Transcript

Video Here \/ [Text in brackets = text not spoken but shown on screen]

(JonTron intro)

(Title card shows Jon holding a DVD of Titanic: The Legend Goes On, then cuts to the RMS Titanic growing wings and flying away with the intro music from the movie playing in the background before the card fades to black.)

Jon (VO): I will wait a lifetime my love, for I know you will return to me one day. Every last of the 3500 miles from Southampton to the Big Apple feels like a dagger of infinity, thrust between our hearts. My sweet darling, we were to be reunited once again as man and bride, we were to finally able to escape the persecution of our family's name, but as fate would have it all our hopes and dreams were swallowed whole with you into the ocean's abyss. I could swear it were all a lie and I could see your ship there just on the horizon, the rest have forgotten, but that was so many years ago now, but I have not forsaken you. Oh dear. What's this? Titanic: The Legend Goes On? "A full-length animated feature, based on the legend of the Titanic?"

Jon: Wait, it's just a legend? It's just a silly old legend? I thought it was a real thing, like a real boat with people on it that sank and they died. I s'pose that means my girlfriend's not real then. I guess there were some signs along the way.

(Cuts to a scene where a waiter walks over to Jon)

Jon (VO): When we were at that restaurant, the waiter, he said, "Why did you order two meals and not eat one of them? You just left it there to get cold." and I said, "Curb your tongue! That's my lady, and soon she will be departing on the great steam liner known as the Titanic that is definitely a real ship in the real world." and he said, "...Wait, what?"

[Cuts back to Jon]

Jon: She was real to me...

(Cuts to Jon sitting on his couch.)

Jon: Today's topic of discussion; the animated... children's film? Titanic: The Legend Goes On. Yeah, I don't even know where to begin with this one.

Jon (VO): This movie was released in Italy in the year 2000 and for some reason it's based on the infamously tragic story of the RMS Titanic. Of course, why wouldn't it be? It's perfect material for a kid's film. Think of all the funny slapstick situations that could arise here. First Titenic, now this. I'm forced to talk about the Titanic yet again. What can I say, I guess a true story about a bunch of people freezing to death really makes for some good media.

Jon: This of course takes a close second of my other favorite questionably topic youth feature; Beauty and the Trail of Tears, or as it's known in the American localized version Pocahontas. I don't really know what more to say about this. I mean, this film provides a great deal more questions than answers. It's somewhat of a rite of passage to see this for yourself, so, without further ado... let the pain begin.

Jon (VO): As you can see, the man, nay, the legend responsible for this is a guy named Camillo Teti.

Jon: Sure to go down in history as one of El Italiano Primo. Ah he-hey! Y'know what I'm saying?

Jon (VO): What's with these names? Jymn Magon? Okay, I guess it's just a foreign name, but SSSSSS S.C.Ar.l.?

[?]

Jon (VO): Poor bastard. His name was so beautiful before the accident. So much potential.

(The film opens with Angelica and a young brown haired boy rowing the lifeboat with the officer on board, then cuts to the sinking Titanic, with a firework going off.)

Jon (VO): Mm-hmm-hmm, would you look at that?

Jon: They got to the point real fast on that one, huh? They sank that son of a bitch right away.

Jon (VO): So throughout this bizarre first scene, we're shown a diverse cast of characters that I can only assume are from the events preceding this one. You know, like, before the ship sinks. I guess they were just trying to do a little something special here. Little Memento meets Titanic, really bold filmmaking. What sorrow I feel for these characters, so close to my own heart. Red-haired lady. Brown-haired guy. Old Woman 1 and 2, currently drowning human, and of course, 101 Dalmat-

Jon: 101 what?

(Beat)

Jon: 101 what now?

Jon (VO): Pongo! Is that you?! Hey, why save more people when you could save two dogs who'll live for a collective three years after the end of this film? I guess Disney royalty would get you far in this life.

(Next clips show William grabbing on to a rope, followed by an old woman who is seen in a state of shock, followed by terrible shots of the wood and debris breaking off the Titanic. After, Jon is seen laughing hysterically.)

Jon: Oh my god! Jesus, that's terrible!

(After a clip where William falls into the water with a child in his arms, we see two old ladies, in which one is seen to look like she's laughing and the other is seen smiling.)

Jon (VO): What?! What are you two laughing at, what changed here? I'm glad this man's violent death brought you momentary joy in distraction from the sinking of your ship.

Jon: Maybe they were just enjoying his, uh, perfect 10 here.

(The audience clapping cues after William and the child land into the ocean.)

Jon (VO): It's so weird they just keep looping the same shots over and over and showing things that don't even look like they pertain to the moment at hand.

(A clip shows a close-up shot of Angelica being brought to tears while looking into the water. After this, the movie finally begins with a flashback. Very original.)

Jon (VO): Oh, and it's over. The movie now decides to start for real.

Jon: Hope everyone's ready for some laughs, for some fun. Let's go on this animated adventure together. Maybe by the end of it, we'll be laughing like two old ladies on the verge of death on the lifeboat. Huh? It could happen.

Jon (VO): How can anyone be expected to try to enjoy this movie after being shown that intro? Going into this movie, everyone already knows how it's gonna end, but then they just reminded us in painstaking detail. You want to now have to anticipate all these characters dying, I'm supposed to be invested in them emotionally? Camillo, you just gave me a f-fucking Final Destination vision of all my friends' deaths, you lunatic! So the story begins, for real this time, with the girl we saw in the previous scene on a train opening a locket, which seems to have a picture of herself inside it?

(Cuts to Jon doing the exact same thing she is doing.)

Jon: I'll never forget you... me.

(Angelica closes her locket and sighed.)

Gertrude: Stop moping over that picture. You're never going to find your precious mother.

Hortense and Bernice: Your precious mother!

Jon (VO): Yeah! And for all intents and purposes, I hope that bitch is dead! Serves you right for sitting quietly on a train!

Angelica: You’re wrong. I will find her, and my father, too. I’ll find them both.

Jon (VO): Well, I guess that's that. That came together very well. Here we have the obligatory scene where all the characters and introducers are boarding the ship, although only about 1/3 seem to have any semblance of originallity, if you could call any of this original.

Maxie's Father: What have you got in there?

Jon (VO): What? W-Why are there anthropomorphic animals boarding the ship? And not to mention, every last one of them is based on some Disney or Don Bluth character. No, in fact, just about every character in this film is ripped off from something else. You've got Granny from Looney Tunes, you got a Cinderella thing going on here with the main character, there's the Dalmations as previously discussed, the mice from American Tale, the crow from the Secret of NIMH, Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland, Belle from Beauty and the Beast, and the geese straight out of the Aristocats, and it goes on from there. I just really don't understand where they could have come from when they were making this. Ripping off a bunch of classic cartoon characters and putting them on the Titanic? Camillo, you trying to make some sort of sick, twisted reality show? Camillo, what are you donig, huh? What are you doing to us? What are you doing to yourself?!

(Clip shows Angelica dropping a briefcase on a cat, which would then open with a box and her locket.)

Jon (VO): Oh no, Angelica here dropped her thing.

Gertrude: Oh, Angelica. You really are-

Jon (VO): What a nice man, picking it up for her.

Old Man: Here you are. Let's hope it's a smooth crossing. (Gives a sinister smile and wiggles his eyebrows)

Jon: Excuse me, uh, the fuck did you just say!? Do you know something we don't? You got something to say? Why so devious? Wait a second... I recognize that voice. You're not really an old man! (He goes up and pulls the guy's head off) '''I knew it! He was the iceberg all along!'''

Jon (VO): I suppose it's easy pickings at this point, but what's with the jerky animation? Half the time it doesn't seem like the animators knew what they wanted from each shot. It's as if two directors constantly battled about what emotion the character in question should be displaying at any given moment. Not to mention, the downright abruptly timed dialogue.

(Cuts to Bernice holding a box)

Bernice: This is yours!

(Cuts back to Jon, who catches the box)

Jon: Oh, thanks. I must have drop this. I-I really owe you one.

(Cuts to Maxie falling off the box onto the bag with his head)

Maxie: Eee!

["EEEEEEE"]

Jon: Is that all you have to say Italian mouse? I suppose you're gonna forget about A, I, O, and U. It's near impossible to follow what's going on in this movie. I'm not even exaggerating, there are so many characters doing so many things in such a short span of time, I even found myself mixing the characters up for real. The first time I watched this, I legitimately didn't know these two old ladies were different characters. They're different characters! there's just two evil stepmothers in this! Hey, more evil's better right?!

(Cuts to Hector stealing a pin from a squirrels hat. The Squirrel looks up at Hector, who is whistling, and somehow ignored it and went on to the Titanic. What the hell were they thinking?)

[ACTUAL SCENE]

Jon: Oh, okay. Let me get this straight: The crow, he stole the pin out of the, uh, squirrel's hat there, the squirrel noticed and turn around. And the significance of that... was...?

(Cuts to a scene of the movie where a racially insensitive trio of Mexican Mice are seen wearing sombreros and carrying their instruments. The short is carrying a guitar, the fat one is holding the maracas, and the tall one is noticably blinded by his sombrero.)

Hector: Eh, what's with the costumes guys?

Short Mexican Mouse: We’ve been on tour, senor, and cannot wait to get home, eh muchachos!

(While this scene goes on, Jon becomes surprised)

Tall Mexican Mouse: For a decent bowl of chili!


 * Note: The mouth on the tall one isn't moving when he is speaking.

Short and Fat Mexican Mice: A decent bowl of chili!

Hector: Mind if I join you? I play wicked bongos, you know?

(We then cut to Jon getting up from his couch and walking towards the mouse wearing sombreros under his lamp.)

Jon: Hey, listen. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you guys uncomfortable. I'll turn the movie off now if it helps. And, if you don't mind me, I'll be over there in the corner celebrating the death of my own innocence.

(We then cut to a seemingly empty room until the camera pans to the left where we see Jon wearing a charro suit while tooting a horn.)

Jon: *toot* Hoy, Papa! *toot* I can still hear the screams, Papa! *toot*

(Cuts to a scene where we are introduced to a guy who dresses like a Sherlock Holmes reject.)

Sam Bradbury: The Vanderplank copper mine.

Jon (VO): Hey, guy, I don't think the captain can hear you. What you're saying is interesting and all, but at this moment, I think his brain is internally swelling.

Captain Edward Smith: Go easy pulling out of the harbour, we don't want to disturb the other liners with our wash.

POPE'S GAY

(Cuts to the RMS Titanic departing the harbour of South Hampton)

Jon (VO): And away she goes, beginning the most magical of legends that definitely never happened at all, I swear.

(Next, we see Bernice in her underwear sobbing and complaining about her dress, which was ripped and torn with a suggestive tear in it. Avert your eyes, children.)

Jon (VO): In the next scene, we're met with the two evil stepsisters seemingly deciding what to wear.

Bernice: Call her, mummy! Call her at once!

(We hear squishy noises as she pokes through the hole.)

Bernice: This is Angelica's fault!

Hortense: Make her put our clothes in order!

Bernice and Hortense: Clothes in order!

(Cuts back to Jon, a bit confused.)

Jon: Did I stroke out? Did they stroke out? Someone has strokin' out.

(The scene repeats.)

Jon (VO): I didn't do anything to alter that, that's how the movie comes packaged! That's how it's meant to be, it's art!

Bernice:

'''THIS IS UNFINISHED! DO NOT TAMPER WITH, PLEASE!'''