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Anti Drug Games - JonTron
[Text in square brackets = text not spoken but shown on screen]
{Text in curly brackets = text both spoken and shown on screen}
(Title card shows Jon on a dark alley selling his shady wares to some random kid. A light appears behind them, and they both flee in fear of being arrested. Jacques then pops his head out from behind the left wall, and the video's title appears at the top of the screen, with a subtitle of "[Wally Bear and the No Gang]".)
(Cuts to Jon and Jacques looking at some pictures of John Lennon, George Harrison, Paul McCartney, and Alf on Jon's wall above the couch.)
Jon: ...Jacques, you think... is somethin' like... Somethin' off there? You missin' somethin'? Eh, you're right; it's probably okay.
(A packet of seeds falls to the floor. Jon beds down and picks it up.)
Jon: Jacques... what is this? W- Where'd you learn to do this?! Have you been doing seed?!
Jacques: Back off, old-timer. This is cool stuff.
Jon: Jacques, come on, man! You're smarter than this! Winners don't do drugs, remember? Just like all the arcades in the '80s told us.
Jacques: When I'm high, I feel like a winn-her.
Jon: We gotta get you straight, Jacques. Scared straight!
(Cuts to a clip of A&E's Beyond Scared Straight)
Man: "You see this comb?! I'mma treat you like a bitch! You gon comb my m(bleeeeep)n' chest hair, whenever I tell you!"
Jon: Okay, maybe not THAT straight!
Jon (VO): The date is October 14th, 1982. Drugs are rampant in the streets of the United States. President Ronald Reagan declares them a threat to national security. The following decades will be shaped by these actions forever, as the war on drugs continues to this very day. The message was clear.
(Old PSA plays)
Man: "Remember! Winners don't do drugs!"
(A skull appears and explodes.)
Jon (VO): Remember when you'd play an arcade game back in the '80s or '90s? It would show you that screen before you played the game. Not to mention the numerous D.A.R.E. campaigns that would tour school to school.
Jon: I mean, truth be told, we didn't even give it much thought as kids. I mean, it was just so ingrained in our collective unconscious. I mean, drugs were such as problem... in the '70s and '80s; by the time we were grown up, this was just accepted... and expected.
Jon (VO): Anyone living back then will be able to recall for you the wealth of PSA's on the topic, arranged from realistic to ludicrous!
(Cuts to another PSA where a father is holding a cigarette carton in front of his son who is sitting on his bed.)
Father: "Who taught you how to do this stuff?"
Son: "...You, alright?! I learned it by watching you!"
Jon (VO): (laughs) That- that never gets old. But that's not even scratching the surface. Have a look at this.
(Cuts to yet another PSA where three surgeons are standing behind an operating table, the first of which is seen very clearly smoking marijuana.)
Surgeon: (takes puff) "Now... what's wrong with you? Tonsillitis?"
Patient: "Appendicitis!"
Surgeon: "Yeah?!" (laughs)
Jon (VO): Hey, y'know what? I- I think you got a point there! It would be bad if my surgeon was smoking pot while operating on me. Here's a list of other things I wouldn't want him doing: {ANYTHING ELSE BUT MY FUCKING SURGERY}!
Surgeon: "Now, let's see if I can still make a straight line." (puts on surgical mask and slowly moves scalpel towards camera)
Jon (VO): (laughs) You're really a piece of shit, aren't you? And then, of course, there's the one that lives in infamy.
(Cuts to another PSA where a teacher picks up a pan that has an egg cooking in it.)
Teacher: "This is your brain on drugs. (sets pan down) Any questions?"
Jon: Yeah, I th- I think I got a few. So, you're telling me that my brain on drugs is a healthy, nutritious breakfast that helps my brain grow?... Shit, I should do some drugs!
Jon (VO): How could the point not have been driven home? Even our celebrity idols were telling us that drugs were the spawn of Satan! It even got to the point when Hanna-Barbera and Peewee Herman were telling us to stay away!
(Cuts to a PSA featuring Peewee Herman sitting in a chair and facing a camera, illuminated by a light on each side of him. He holds up a small bottle containing a sample of crack cocaine.)
Peewee Herman: "This... is crack."
Jon (VO): Y'know, I'm just not sure how to deal with the emotions that come up after Peewee Herman tells me about crack rock cocaine. E- me- eh- th- This guy!
(Cuts to a clip of Peewee Herman performing a silly dance greenscreened over a clip of people dancing.)
Jon (VO): Just- just ushered a serious warning to me with that... (zooms into Peewee's face from the PSA) look in his eyes. I d- I- I- This is a state of national emergency.
Jon: Y'see, Jacques? You're gonna find out one way or another. You gotta get off this stuff. I mean, Peewee Herman himself was so upset, he went into a dirty porno theatre and... jacked his wiener right off... Can you blame the man? He was feelin' emotional. He had to go make his dick cry.
Jacques: I'm still not convinced.
(Cuts to yet another PSA commercial where a man named Snake describes what kinds of drugs he specializes in.)
Snake: "Heyyyy, little dude! Send yo momma and daddy out of the room."
Jon: Oh, I live by myself, thanks. I don't got- I don't have parents anymore.
Snake: "You know who I am... Snake. Dealin' in weed, coke, crack; your choice."
Jon: One of each, please!
Snake: "Take one hit, and you'll do anything to cop more. Steal from yo momma..."
(Jon notices that Snake's face seems to distort a bit as he talks.)
Jon: Hey, man. Did you get bit by, like, a mosquito or somethin'? You don't look so good.
Snake: (now a snake person) "Do I look like the kind of guy that would do that to a kid like you?"
Jon: YOU LOOK LIKE A SNAKE!
Snake: (hissing) "Yessssssssss!"
Jon: WHAT?!?......... WHAT THE FUCK--?!?!?
Jacques: I'm basically half-reptile, so he just reminds me of one of my brethren.
Jon: ...Okay, yeah, alright. Y- alright. Y- You won't make this easy for us? That's fine! We'll take this to the only place you understand... to the world of video gaming.
NARC (Arcade)[]
Jon (VO): In the '80s, arcades were the cool hangouts for kids. They had Galaga, Donkey Kong, and of course, hard drug dealers! Now, what can I say? It was a sign of the times; Pac-Man poppin' pills, Mario's eatin' mushrooms, and Simon Belmont? Terrible off-screen addiction to heroin. Look at him in Part IV... He could barely hold his whip. It's sad, really. That made arcades a prime target for the anti-drug campaign, which led to the creation of games like Narc. In this game, you're assuming the role of a narcotics officer named Max... Force. Oh, and if you get a second player in there, they can play as Hit Man. (chuckling) Lord have mercy. I guess, uhhh, nobody told me cops started doin' wrestler names? I mean, not that I'm even upset; I just woulda liked to know. Oh, this is great! Now we can finally teach kids good moral standards!
(Cuts to Narc's gameplay, where a police officer in blue one-hands an assault rifle and a missile launcher, using them to murder identical druggies clad in brown.)
Max Force: "You're busted!"
Jon: (emotional) ...This woulda put a tear in ol' Ronnie Reagan's eye.
Jon (VO): Well, alright. Maybe those guys were just resisting arrest, y'know? I mean, they had to be dealt with. After all, we're just going in there with enough firepower to protect ourselves!
(Max Force fires his missile launcher twice, blowing multiple druggies apart into flaming gibs.)
Jon: {NOT}. {EVEN}. {ONCE}.
Jon (VO): That... was amazing! Well, to be honest, I guess they were just trying to portray with utmost realism how we handle drug offenders in this country.
Max Force: "You're busted!"
[YOU'RE BUSTED.]
Jon: Cocaine is really popular with, umm...... the same guy.
(Max Force is shown killing more druggies, not all of them identical for once. He fires a missile that blows multiple druggies apart.)
Druggie: {"I GIVE UP!"}
Jon (VO): Too little, too late, talking leg!
(Cuts to a segment of gameplay on a road where Max Force is in a red car equipped with machine guns and is attempting to drive it, but cannot do so without colliding with the multiple dumpsters on the road.)
Jon (VO): I'll be able to put an end to this drug ring once I... fi- agh, figure out how to drive a stick! How's a ye-... What's a- How's a clutch work again?
(Cuts to a screen seemingly inside the car from before. The screen initially shows a screenshot of the final level with the final boss, Mr. Big, in his wheelchair, before Max Force hits some buttons that cause the screen to show an image of Mr. Big all in green.)
Jon (VO): Finally, you get to the game's antagonist, Mr. Big, who's apparently a- (chukcles) a real good Tokyo Drifter over here! He's got a picture of himself labeled "ME"... Now, there's so many things wrong with this, I don't even know where to begin.
(Max Force fires a missile at Mr. Big, which destroys Mr. Big's wheelchair and flings him into the air. Once he lands, he crawls away. Mr. Big's flight is shown again, this time accompanies by music to show how graceful it is. A crowd can be heard cheering in the background.)
Jon: (holds up a piece of paper reading "10" semi-crudely drawn) Ten.
(Cuts to the final encounter with Mr. Big, who is now composed of his own oversized head, sunglasses, and hat seated in a futuristic platform. Jon looks in complete disbelief, before cutting to the actual fight where Mr. Big has lost his sunglasses and is shooting fire blasts from his eyes.)
Jon: I guess Lou Bega had some hard time getting work after Mambo No. 5.
(Cuts to the next phase of the final Mr. Big fight, where Mr. Big twitches a bit before all of his flesh explodes off of him, leaving nothing but his skull anchored to his platform by his elastic spine. He now attacks by firing his tongue as a projectile that somehow instantly regrows.)
Jon (VO): Now, I've never seen a game go from a perfect zero to a perfect 10 this quickly... Is this real life?
Wally Bear and the NO! Gang (NES)[]
Jon: Jacques, I'm not gonna sugarcoat this for you. You gotta get with it. Gotta get clean. And to show you the light of the sober individual, we're gonna have to take the most extreme measure possible: playin' Wally Bear and the NO! Gang. Under no circumstances would I do this otherwise. Because it's basically akin to torture.
Jacques: This is madness. Why is that bear not wearing a helmet on his skateboard?
Jon: That's besides the point, Jacques! This is officially your intervention.
Jon (VO): Welcome to Wally Bear and the NO! Gang! As you can see, the cartridge is kinda weird because it's not officially licensed by Nintendo. Also, on part of the label, there's a circle that says "PRESS HERE". And when you push it, it plays a Jeff VanVonderen sound bite.
Jon: (as Jeff VanVonderen): "We're gonna get you on a plane goin' to Florida."
Jon (VO): (laughs) I'm j- I'm just playin' with ya; it doesn't do jack shit! Why is it here?! Who was even out there manufacturing their own NES cartridges, anyway?
Jon: (sniffs) Ah, what is that? (sniffs) Chinese glue? Mothballs? How many kids rented this before, huh?... Probably got a disease now.
Jon (VO): This game was made in 1992, exclusively for a North American audience by American Video Entertainment. They're also known for such other classics as Blackjack... Puzzle, and of course, how can we forget Dudes with Attitude?
(Slowly zooms in on the Dudes with Attitude cover as the screen turns a shade of red and ominous music plays in the background.)
Jon: So in short... that's how you know it's gonna be good.
Jon (VO): Wally Bear and the NO! Gang. Now, I can already see him saying no to society's norms. Now, as you can see, he does not wear his hat straight. No, i- it's perfect, because if a drug dealer walks up to that side of his body, he d- ah- he doesn't have to say no to him; his clothes do it for him. Ah, what was the color palette on this one? Public restroom? Greens and browns! Jesus Christ.
(Cuts to a cutscene where Wally Bear is having a conversation with his parents.)
[UNCLE GARY GRIZZLY HAS BEEN PLANNING A PARTY FOR YOU AND THE NO GANG.]
Jon (VO): "Uncle Gary Grizzly has been planning a party for you and the NO! Gang."
(The screen zooms in on Wally Bear's dad, who does not seem to be wearing any form of pants.)
Jon (VO): Uh, hey, dad? I- I know you like to live your life on the free and easy, but you think you could do- uhhh, do away with the whole no-pants thing 'til after I leave?! Get a pair of s-... tear-away pants or goddamn anything?! For God's sake!
Jon: Yeah, Wally... I know you you feel. My dad doesn't wear pants, either.
(An Egyptian canopic jar full of Jon's dad's ashes tips over, knocking the lid off and spilling its contents.)
Jon: DAD!
[INVITE ALL YOUR FRIENDS, AND TRY TO REACH HIS HOUSE BEFORE DARK.
TAKE CARE WALLY, AND REMEMBER TO SAY NO! STAY SMART! DON'T START!]
Jon (VO): "Invite all your friends, and try to reach his house before dark. Take care Wally, and remember to say no! Stay smart! Don't start!" Don't start what? Fires?... Ah, okay, no; that's a different bear.
(Cuts to the intro screen of Level 1, showing how many lives the player has.)
Jon (VO): Kids, Wally Bear may have five lives, but you only have one.
(Cuts to the gameplay.)
Jon (VO): So, the game starts out in this suburban town. You play as this bear named Wally, who rides his skateboard everywhere! Also, even though you play as an anthropomorphic bear, dogs are still dogs and birds are still birds. And I mean, I can't blame him for being mad; I'd be pissed too if no one transformed me into a radical sunglass-wearing, skateboarding version of myself.
(Wally is hit by a dog enemy and slumps to the ground, looking dizzy before disappearing.)
Jon (VO): Oh God. Seriously, that's it? One hit and you're dead? If you die, you have to go all the way back, and each level is, eh- ridiculously repetitive and difficult. I think it's worth noting that GamePro gave this game a 5 out of 5 on the FunFactor and the Challenge. Sister Sinister, you're FULL OF SHIT!
(Jon notices a segment of the GamePro magazine on a completely different page detailing the winners of a contest from a previous GamePro issue based around the game Nightshade, which Jon had previously made a video on.)
Jon (VO): Also, looks like they had a Nightshade competition in this issue. Why'd no one tell me? I AIIIIIIIIIIIIIN'T gonna take that sitting down.
(Cuts back to the gameplay.)
Jon (VO): The one saving grace is picking up what I assume to be a frisbee? Or, uh, perhaps it's a one-way boomerang pie. E- I dunno, somethin' like that. When you get it, you can actually shoot the enemies and finally kill them. Even though it's still really hard, 'cause these birds are endless and you're just on a skateboard the whole time! Imagine i- d- No, really, imagine this: if every level in a video game was the ice level... That's this game! And it's got PLATFORMING!
Jon: (slumped back on his couch) Ohhh. My faaaavourite.
Jon (VO): Now, you can actually take one extra hit when you equip the frisbee. You can even just breeze through some of these levels if you just keep shooting in a straight line. But, if you take any damage, the frisbee goes away and you can't throw it anymore, so you might as well reset. Because this game is nearly impossible without it. Also, I think somehow you can stack up to two frisbees in four hits using the skateboard as well, but I d- I don't fuckin' know.
(Cuts to a cutscene where Wally Bear is having a conversation with a rabbit character.)
[RICKY RAT WAS TRYING TO GET TOBY TURTLE TO JOIN HIS GANG.]
Jon (VO): "Ricky Rat was trying to get Toby Turtle to join his gang."... Who's Ricky Rat?... Who's Toby Turtle?!... Who the fuck are YOU?!
[HE SAID TOBY WOULD HAVE TO TAKE SOME PILLS.]
Jon (VO): "He said Toby would have to take some pills"?
Jon: Oh, well, maybe I should go talk to Ricky Rat, then, and get some acetaminophen for the HEADACHE YOU'RE GIVIN' ME RIGHT NOW!
Jon (VO): Yeah, by the way, uh, skateboarding on the train is most definitely encouraged, kids. Eventually, you make your way out of the subway, which was, uh, in the suburbs, may I remind you. You find yourself in another neighborhood that looks exactly like the last one.
(Wally Bear reaches a building labeled "[TRAIN STATION]".)
Jon (VO): Oh, okay. Then you're supposed to go into another subway? How many subway connections I gotta make to get to my uncle's house?! Maybe my parents coulda given me a ride if they weren't so busy mauling each other's privates. HAAAANES! LEVI'S! DOCKERS! Take a trip to the Gap, dad! It's not that hard!
(Cuts to a segment of gameplay where Wally Bear is standing outside of a building directing labeled "[SUBWAY]", with arrows next to it pointing to the left.)
Jon (VO): Oh, okay. So this subway is a castle... Thi- thi- this one's a c- a castle... It's a castle. (in the distance) WHAT?!? [WHAT?]
(Cuts to a segment of gameplay where Wally Bear rides past a series of brick buildings. Bats fly around, a dog walks around on the sidewalk and is hit by one of Wally's frisbees, and one particularly disgruntled rat pops out of a window and drops bombs onto the ground.)
Jon: I think gettin' there before dark mighta been the least of Wally's worries.
Jon (VO): Hey, Wally. You think you coulda maybe, y'know, taken a detour around this part of town? This guy's literally dropping bombs out of his window... all day. That's- that's his job. Man, I guess the economy really has gotten bad. So, after you get out of the real, d- actual demilitarized ghetto where no kid should ever be, [WTF?] you go into this M. C. Escher garage with a- a cat man! Okay, I- I think, uh... I think I might be gettin' a bit of a contact high from this.
(The background of the garage within the cutscene becomes a psychedelic rainbow vortex. Jon appears on top of this and raises his arms, revealing that his hands are hidden away within his sleeves.)
Jon: Where's my hands?
[I JUST SAW LARRY LIZARD GOING INTO THIS GARAGE.]
Jon (VO): "I just saw... uh, d- Larry Lizard going into this garage"? Okay, wonderful, yet another person I have no context for.
[HE WAS DRINKING OUT OF A FUNNY LOOKING BOTTLE, AND ACTING REALLY STRANGE.]
Jon (VO): "He was drinking out of a funny-looking bottle, and acting really strange."
[IT SOUNDS LIKE LARRY'S BEEN DRINKING.]
Jon (VO): "It sounds like Larry's been drinking."
Jon: Wow... How do ya get that good?
[REMEMBER, EVEN GROWNUPS SHOULDN'T DRINK AND DRIVE.]
Jon (VO): (chuckling) "Remember, even grownups shouldn't drink and drive."
Jon: Now, this really needed to be said. I mean, all those drunk-driving kids were tearin' this country apart.
(Cuts to a segment of gameplay where Wally is riding around in a parking garage while what appears to be Larry Lizard is throwing green-and-white balls at Wally from the lowest floor of the garage.)
Jon (VO): Huh... Well, I'll assume this is Larry.
(Wally Bear throws a frisbee at Larry Lizard, who disappears on impact.)
Jon (VO): Oops, I killed him...
(Wally Bear is absent as the level's score is totaled.)
Jon (VO): Moving on.
(The game fades to black, then fades back into a sewer level where pipes interlace with each other above, toxic green droplets of liquid fall from the ceiling, and a green snake slithers around.)
Jon: Alright. I have to admit... This time I've been caught off guard.
Jon (VO): How exactly did that door... (a hand points to a doorway in the parking garage) lead to this?... (as Wally's dad) "Hey, Wally! Don't forget to take the shortcut to Uncle Gary Grizzly's through the snake cave! It's right after the- uh, it's- it's comin' to me, uh, it's the bomb ghetto? Yeah, you'll find it. Don't worry about it." This part, is IMPOSSIBLE. There are just so many things, and there's huge platforming pitfalls everywhere. It would take anyone many, many tries to even get through this part. And don't forget: everything is an ice level! How did this teach kids anything when they couldn't even get to the end of the game to learn the freakin' message?!
(Wally Bear encounters a strange door within the sewer. Jon looks on in confusion.)
Jon (VO): What the fuck is this supposed to BE?! This game has a chronic condition of never explaining anything! Two minutes ago, we were in the suburbs; now we're... what? Takin' a stroll through Nikolai Tesla's secret underground LAIR?!?! Apparently, according to Wally, I gotta infiltrate a freakin' fortress just to get to my uncle's house!
(Wally Bear passes through the door and enters a very non-sewer-like room where the floor is just water, brick pillars rise up from said water as platforms, and a very strange structure extends along the wall that features men's faces surrounded on either side by columns with vines twisting around them. The faces themselves spit globs of green gunk at Wally.)
Jon: What the fuuuuck??? I promise I'll never do drugs again, dad.
Jon (VO): By the way, this is literally the only room in the entire game that's like this. It's- It's so out of place. Freakin' Play-Dohs up here hockin' loogies down at me while I'm tryin' to... balance atop pillars on a fucking skateboard! Ladies and gentlemen... this is art. There's a million doors here and there's only one of them that leads to the WAY OUT!!! To get past this part, you just gotta keep relentlessly scaling the castle and trying doors until you find the right one. Come on, come on, come on- YES! Oh, finally!
(The game fades to black again, then fades back to a cutscene within a strange corridor where a character of unknown species talks to Wally Bear.)
[WATCH OUT FOR A MAN GIVING AWAY CANDY.]
Jon (VO): "Watch out for a man giving away candy."
Jon: Uh, a- are you aware that our city has an UNDERGROUND... DEMON... FORTRESS IN IT?! And e- wh- I- apparently, the subway... just passes right through that shit! G- g- gimme the man... Gimme the man right now. I'll t- I'll take the fucking candy right off his hands. 'S amazing compared to what I've just been through!
(The game fades from black into a segment of the game where Wally is standing outside of another subway building.)
Jon (VO): Oh! Okay! Yeah, that's fine! I j- let's just resume then, huh? Back to business as usual! Just tryin' to play it cool after the shit I've seen! Just gonna keep this secret, nice and tucked away in my soul until it burns a HOLE THROUGH IT! This must be what Buzz Aldrin felt like when he got back from the moon.
(Wally Bear rides through another area of brick buildings until he comes one that has an arrow flashing above its front door, pointing at it. The game's music cuts out immediately as Jon begins talking)
Jon (VO): Wait... this? I gotta go in there? What is this, a crack den? I thought I was supposed to be gettin' off drugs! This house's windows are broken. It doesn't even look like anyone's inhabited it for years. Also, the neighboring house is just completely blown up. Just blown half up. Alright... Here goes nothin'.
(Wally Bear enters the building, and the game enters a cutscene where Wally's uncle Gary Grizzly greets him.)
Jon: Is that...... Is that- Is that my uncle? Is this my uncle?
Jon (VO): Oh, nothing wrong here! Just my uncle happens to live in Mad Max and no one thought it was appropriate to TELL me! So, tell me; what's this, uh, what's this award here on your shelf for? For, uh, stayin' alive this long? And I'm not even gonna comment on your pants situation, because the squalor you live in is astounding. Does anyone know you live here? Do you get... Do you get running water and electricity?... Can you even afford pants?
[I SEE YOU'VE BROUGHT A NEW FRIEND.]
Jon (VO): Well, what do you mean "new friend"?... I didn't bring a friend.
Jon: That me he's talkin' about?... Am I the new friend?... I- I didn't ask for this.
(The game ends with one final cutscene where Wally Bear standing triumphantly as his friends stand in the background and balloons float in the air.)
[ALWAYS REMEMBER, IF SOMEONE TRIES TO MAKE YOU DO SOMETHING,]
Jon (VO): Well, that- that's it? That... tha- that's the whole party? Just this... one slide where it looks like my face had an arrangement with the pavement?
Jon: (sniffs) ...Aw, I'm restless... I can't deal... I gotta relax.
Jacques: Then get ganja with the wind.
Jon: ...That wasn't even funny... Alright, screw it, gimme a toke. (gets up)
(While getting high, Jon lays on his couch watching a video made by conspiracy theorist Bart Sibrel where Bart encounters Buzz Aldrin and attempts--and fails--to get Buzz to admit the Apollo 11 moon landing was faked.)
Bart Sibrel: "--didn't... Callin' the kettle black. If I ever thought of- saying I misrepresented myself?"
Buzz Aldrin: "You... get away from me..."
Bart Sibrel: "You're a coward, and a liar... and a (gets punched by Buzz) thief--!
Jon: (high off his ass) That guy went to the moon.
Outro[]
Jon: Thanks for watching JonTron. And if you wanna support the show, you can help us out by signing up for a 30-day trial at Audible.com at this link: Audible.com-slash-JonTron. If you sign up right now, you get a free audiobook, and you can cancel any time. My recommendation to you this month is Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, narrated by Stephen Fry. He's a funny motherfucker. I mean, this show is really expensive to make! (holds up canopic jar from earlier) This is a real Egyptian urn! Cost me $20,000, came with Nefertiti's dead cat inside! Which I'm aware, by the way. That's a steal for the price.
Jon (VO): Don't forget to subscribe and follow me on Facebook and Twitter. If you wanna watch more JonTron, here are some suggestions. And also, the link for Audible.com is in the description. See ya!