Charlies Angels for Gamecube - JonTron
{Text in arched brackets = describes what's happening in the video, not shown on screen}
[Text in straight brackets = text shown on screen]
{NormalBoots logo animation, transitions to JonTron logo, which parts to reveal Jon at his desk.}
{Jon is holding a Game Boy Advance, with Jacques on his shoulder; he's talking but the audio does not reflect his lip movements.}
Jon (VO): {slurred speech} I don't even know what's going on right now, I got some sort of thing in my hands... and I don't give a shit about this... {explosion effect as he slams a trophy down, camera zooms in} this trophy...
{Camera zooms in on Jacques, whose eye glows red.}
Jacques: Allow me to appraise that for you, Jon. {Jacques shoots the trophy with a laser and makes it better} Wow, Jon, that trophy is worth $4,000,000. You are so generous and kind.
{Camera cuts to Jon.}
Jon: Hey, now, where's the real Jacques, and what'd you do with 'im, huh? {chuckles} You're t-- you're too kind to me.
{Camera cuts to Jacques.}
Jacques: But, Jon, you rewired my circuits to give you exaggerated praise at all times.
Jon: {puts finger to his lips} A-shushshushushsh!
Jacques: I live to serve you, Your Majest--
Jon: A-SHUHSHUHSHUSH!
{continues shushing as Jacques licks his finger}
{Camera zooms back out.}
Jon: Well, now all we gotta do is find a game for us to review. {game box falls down} That'll do. {picks up case} So let's see what we got here. {frowns, music changes} Oh, no... I should've been more careful about what I wished for. {turns game box around} Charlie's Angels for the Nintendo GameCube! {winces}
{Cuts to PowerPoint-like presentation, box art is shown.}
Jon (VO): This little gem right here is a game developed by Neko Entertainment, and published by Ubisoft in 2003. It's based off of the films of the same name that came out around the same time.
{Cuts to the blurb of the game case.}
Jon: Hey, this is some real heavy stuff right here. "Featuring the all-star cast of Cameron Diaz, Lucy Liu and Drew Barrymore." They actually got them to do the voices! That's surprising.
{Cuts to a montage of reviews of the game.}
Jon (VO): Now, this game right here has been universally panned by critics, I mean all across the board. The Official PlayStation 2 Magazine UK gave it its lowest possible score, a 1 out of 10.
{Cuts back to Jon.}
Jon: Could it really be that bad? Let's find out.
{Camera zooms in on Jacques.}
Jacques: Let me push that start button for you, sugartits. {an animation of Ryu from Street Fighter appears from his eye and onto the GameCube console}
{Camera cuts back to Jon.}
Jon: You are so goddamn beautiful, you know that?
{An old logo animation for Ubisoft is shown.}
Jon (VO): Ubisoft, huh? More like "You're-gonna-need-to-start-a-new-company-soft".
{'Get Free' by The Vines plays from the title screen.}
Jon (VO): Wait, what? Okay. The Vines' song {footage of the "Get Free" music video is shown} Get Free is the menu music for this game. {cuts back to the title screen} That's kinda strange, don't you think? {title screen spins away} Better cut away from this quick before {animation of the Viacom logo and a red hexagon with a white outline captioned "CEASE AND DESIST" is shown} Viacom comes and slams me up a butt with a cease and desist.
{The options menu is shown.}
Jon (VO): Let's see what we've got here in the way of graphics options.
{Cuts to the graphics menu, where only one setting is available: "change screen position."}
Jon (VO): Ah, change screen position. That's it. Yeah, reasonable. No, that's [REASONABLE.]
{The camera zooms in on the strange button guide.}
Jon (VO): I'm sorry, push B for Back and A for [VALID??] Okay, are you too cool for normal words like ["ACCEPT"] and ["OKAY"], Charlie's Angels? Just wanna be different? {camera zooms in and out} Eh, oh, I'mma c- I'mma- [No...] [NO]! [IT'S WEIRD]!
{Jon flicks through a series of menus; of particular note for later on is that a memory card isn't inserted in the console.}
Jon (VO): So let's begin! No reason to stall, except every single reason.
{A name entry screen is shown.}
Jon (VO): My name? Uh, Buals, naturally.
{The opening cutscene is shown, with the Statue of Liberty as its opening shot.}
Jon (VO): Okay, so what do we got here, the Statue of Liberty? All seems normal-- oh-- {the city lights go out} lights went out-– {the lights come back on; Lady Liberty is gone} a-- th-- ah-– are you fuckin' kidding me?
{Cuts to Jon}
Jon: The story of this game is that someone stole the Statue of Liberty. Noth-– Touché. No, bravo. I can dig it. LET'S GET THE PARTY GOING ON IN THIS PARTY WAGON! {he pops a can of beer open}
{Cuts back to footage of the opening cutscene}
Jon (VO): Okay, I thought this was Charlie's Angels, not Carmen Sandiego.
{'Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?' by Rockapella plays}
{A replay of the previous scene is shown.}
Jon (VO): Just hold on a second here. They figured out how to cut the power to the entirety of New York City and they use that immense knowledge base to steal... {a picture of Liberty is shown} the Statue of Liberty. {the picture spins away} Okay, now [FIRST OF ALL], that's not even possible to do in, like, five seconds!
{Cuts back to Jon}
Jon: I'm questioning the possibility of a Charlie's Angels game again, aren't I? Okay. Let's go. Just– let's go.
{The cutscene cuts to a news show, where the voiceover of the anchorman doesn't match up with his lips.}
Anchorman: New Yorkers woke up this morning only to discover the shocking disappearance of their Lady Liberty.
Jon (VO): Now that... is a good voice acting.
{Cuts to Jon}
Jon: Wow. Really? Is there a news anchor sitting right in front of me right now? I can't tell. {waves his arm in front of him} No. There isn't. It's dumb.
{The opening credits of the Charlie's Angels TV show are shown.}
Jon (VO): Now, for those of you who don't know about Charlie's Angels, it was originally a television show from the '70s about three women who worked for a private investigation agency and solve crimes in a very PACHOW, BA-BOOM kinda way, if you know what I'm sayin. Ha-haaa! {photos of a bikini-clad woman and two men are shown} Their boss Charlie is never seen on camera, but he speaks to them through this little radio thing, and also Bosley's there, ya know. I don't know, h- [He's Bosley]. In the early 2000s, director [McG?] {a photo of McG is shown along with a snippet of his filmography} (yeah, he goes by McG) {cuts to footage of the Charlie's Angels film} created a movie remake of a '70s television show and subsequently another one three years later. They were decent movies, but nothing spectacular. And the reason I'm telling you is because {cuts to a PowerPoint-like presentation with an animation of the Charlie's Angels game box and film posters} this–- that game is where that-– the movie came from that movie. Those movies, they birthed that game–- this game.
{Footage of the CGI Angels and Bosley is shown.}
Jon (VO): So to try to get to the bottom of this mystery, Bosley explains that the girls will have to go investigate a nearby cargo ship. The method of doing this, you ask? Well, isn't it obvious? The girls sign up for a Miss Bikini contest on the beach nearby. Now, speaking of Bosley, I don't– uh, I don't– I don't think that's Bosley. I see the likenesses of the real-life actresses portraying the Angels, but apparently, {a photo of Bernie Mac is shown} Bernie Mac was just too good for this. Bernie, I can't say I blame you, buddy, and may you rest in peace. Honestly, everyone's voice acting in this is horrible, even the Angels.
Natalie: That oughta keep the sailors occupied.
Alex: While we gain access to the ship.
Natalie: Good point, Boz, we'll try not to blow anything up.
Alex: If we encounter a hitch...
Dylan: We'll keep a lid on collateral damage.
{A photo of the live-action Angels is shown.}
Jon (VO): Now, these three may not be as prestigious as Meryl Streep, but good God, they're decent actresses. How did the final cut of the voiceovers end up so bad? I mean, it's really bad! {an animation of a black hole with the Charlie's Angels game box slapped on the center is shown} Oh, you know what they say about the Charlie's Angels game, don't you? {the heads of various actors are shown being sucked into it} Even talent can't escape its gravitational pull. {cuts back to the CGI cutscene} Just listen to Bosley!
Bosley: Well, if they're any interesting clues, the captain's got them. Find him and convince him to cooperate.
Jon (VO): This is what it sounds like to do half-assed voice acting.
Charlie: {over radio} Anchors aweigh, Angels! Find that captain and see if Bosley's theory holds water.
Jon (VO): {in a feminine tone} Oh, Charlie, you always CRACK ME UP! {over-the-top laughing}
{The opening credits of the game are shown, then the first level of the game: a beach resort.}
Jon (VO): {in a dramatic voice while a drumroll plays} And the award for Most Depressing Bikini Contest goes to...
{Cuts to Jon}
Jon: They didn't even wait. They did NOT even wait past the literal beginning of the game to exploit the sex appeal. I-- I gotta hand it to 'em. They're a buncha assholes.
{Cuts back to footage of the game}
Jon: (VO): So you start off here as Cameron Diaz on the beach, and, oh... {Natalie starts doing a sexually provocative dance} great idle animation. Fi-- fits the mood perfectly.
{Footage is shown of Natalie running from a group of beachgoers.}
Jon: (VO): Whoa, [WHAT?!] The literal SECOND you take your first step, these people on the beach start running after you. And I mean, you can run these guys in circles for hours, and they'll just keep on tailgating you. Like, WHAT?! {a picture of a confused Jackie Chan pops up} Who ARE these people?! Can someone please tell me why it's suddenly socially acceptable to begin beating upon a frail bikini-clad woman in public? [IN A FUCKING PACK.] {a replay of the catwalk intro scene is shown} She didn't even do anything to reveal her identity yet, these are just normal people.
{Cuts back to Jon}
Jon: {head in his hands, laughing} No, I-- I-- I'm so-- I'm sorry, it's not very often the game just immediately breaks me. Just immediately. I don't-- I don't even know what to say to this.
{The footage of Natalie being chased is shown again.}
Jon (VO): So here it is, folks, cards on the table. You're looking at Charlie's Angels for GameCube. You had enough yet?
{Clips are shown of Natalie being beaten up; her hit sound is, like the rest of the dialogue, also half-assed.}
Jon (VO): Are you-- are you SHITTIN' me? THAT is the actual sound effect that they used for her taking damage? THAT SOUND?!
{Cuts to Jon}
Jon: How do you even make that sound? {he mocks the hit sound} "Huehn! Huehnnn!"
{Camera zooms in on Jacques}
Jacques: Sing me more songs, sugartits.
{More footage of Natalie being beaten up is shown.}
Jon (VO): That was the best take they got, huh? [That's what you're telling me?] {coughs as both the text and footage move mostly off-screen} That's not an occasional sound bite, by the way, that is the sound that this particular Angel makes every time she gets hit.
{Yet more footage of Natalie running around and "fighting".}
Jon (VO): Okay, so if this already weren't stupid enough, she's fighting in a freakin' bikini. It's just so absurdly stupid. {cover art of the Charlie's Angels film is shown on a PowerPoint slide} If she were maybe wearing the sleek spy jumpsuits they're wearing in the cover {zooms in on the cover art}, it may have been believable, {cuts back to footage} but am I really expected to believe that {zooms in on Natalie} Cameron Diaz in a bikini can take out hordes of hardened male construction workers with nothing but her {a photo of a fist is shown} [BARE FISTS?!] It sounds like nitpicking, but details like this can go a long way. This should have been an unlockable costume or something, not the main outfits.
{Cuts to Natalie at the dock next to a speedboat, calling Alex.}
Natalie: I'm off to the boat. I'll swing by and get you, Alex!
{Cuts to Jon}
Jon: No, that was a good take.
{Cuts to footage of Natalie driving off on the speedboat.}
Jon (VO): Is that really-– that-– Is that really the best take they could get?
{A replay of Natalie calling Alex is shown.}
Natalie: I'll swing by and get you, Alex!
{Natalie is shown running around the level.}
Jon (VO): It sounds like it was the first time she was reciting a line ever, so she was like {an image of Cameron Diaz is shown against a black background} "[Oh, Ok... You Know... Lets Try That] at least even [ONE MORE FUCKING TIME]" and they're like {the Charlie's angels game box moves upwards into view and spins around before moving right off-screen} "Nah, it's fine, let's ship the game!"
{Footage is shown of Natalie running into an invisible wall that moves closer as she runs towards the end of the level.}
Jon (VO): A great feature they've included are the revolutionary shifting invisible walls! I've never seen anything like it. ['S Because Most People Aren't Stupid]! Now let's just have a listen here; invisible walls form behind you as you go, so you can never go back to an area you just left. But was that really necessary? It's not like you can get lost in a straight line. I mean, literally, they follow the back of your heels, just take a look! I mean, it's basically just a brawler, like Final Fight or something. A terrible... terrible Final Fight, with Bosley. There is literally nothing more to it than this. {cuts to footage of Aquaman: Battle for Atlantis} I seriously think Aquaman: Battle for Atlantis was more fun than this. Wow! You have no idea how hard it was for me to say that.
{Cuts back to footage of Charlie's Angels}
Jon (VO): Occasionally, you get to the end of a level, see a red circle, push A and start the next segment, but there's nothing more to it than that.
{Alex jumps down in a bikini and crouches behind a crate; replays follow before cutting to footage of her running around the level.}
Jon (VO): Oh, Lucy, that's a nice little stealth walk you got there. But don't worry, I don't think anyone saw you. I mean, you are perfectly disguised after all. So yeah, you're basically just alternating segments with each one of the Angels. At the end of their linear missions, they'll usually just pull a walkie-talkie out of their snatch and talk to one another.
{Alex calls Dylan on a high ledge.}
Alex: Dylan, immediate boarding!
Jon (VO): You know, I don't know the related health risks to that, but I'm assuming you might wanna just, you know, bring a walkie-talkie clip next time.
{Alex runs into invisible walls.}
Jon (VO): {laughing} Just look a– Just look how strange the walk cycle is, they look like they belong more in a SpongeBob cartoon. {cuts to footage of SpongeBob walking strangely.}
Jon (VO): Genius! {cuts to Natalie's boat speeding away.} By the way, that's a great boat animation. [Good.]
{Cuts to Alex's idle animation; a provocative dance. The camera then cuts back to Jon.}
Jon: {rubs his eyes in disbelief} N'eah. N'eah.
{Cuts back to footage of the game.}
Jon (VO): [REAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLY?] Amazing! Truly amazing! I-- I'm not even kidding! That made my day right there, and I'd be willing to bet it made yours, too! You can't script something as horrifically amazing as this. Dance, Lucy, dance! Your career depends on it!
{Cuts to Alex trying to climb a ladder.}
Jon (VO): How do I mount this ladder? I-- I seriously can't figure it out, I've been here for like two minutes trying to do it. Occasionally I step on the ladder quickly than this mount, I-- I have no idea how to make this work. {Cuts to Jon pushing buttons on the GameCube controller} I'm pushing all the goddamn buttons-- {Alex finally mounts the ladder} Oh. Oh, okay, you have to be perfectly still in an exact spot near the ladder {Jon pushes A} and then push A. I don't really know why either. I don't know-– [I DON'T REALLY KNOW] how you screw up something as easy as mounting a ladder.
{Alex climbs the ladder while wiggling her butt.}
Jon (VO): Oh. Ooooh. Ooooooooh, that's a looooong ladder. How do you even get a game this wrong? Why would they put a ladder this long in a game for no reason? When you do-- when you do something like this, there has to be a point, [OK!?] {cuts to footage of Snake climbing the long ladder in Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater} Snake Eater did a long ladder, [AND IT WAS AWESOME]! But, okay, now wh-- why am I even comparing this to Snake Eater? Why am I-- why am I even playing this? {cuts to footage of Alex's idle animation again} Dance, Lucy. D-- Dance.
{Cuts to footage of the third level; Dylan is the player character for this one.}
Jon (VO): Okay, so now I'm Drew Barrymore's character, and apparently they didn't think she was good enough to be topless. [That Must'a Hurt...] {cuts to footage of Dylan fighting enemies} Just going around fighting butlers named {zooms in on names} Jared and Jarrod, you know, nothing unusual there. Except... wait a second... oh my God, [IS THAT A PIANA?!]
{Cuts to footage of Alex running around the level.}
Jon (VO): I'm about done with this. I'm-- I'm abo-- That and this. This isn't exactly going anywhere fast. {cuts to sped-up footage of Natalie beating up enemies} So blah, blah, blah, beat this section of the level to each of the Angels, and voila, finish the mission and on to the next level.
{The level repeats itself because Jon didn't put a memory card in.}
Jon (VO): N'eah. Hmm. Yeah. This, uh, this looks oddly familiar. Is it perhaps cuz [IT'S THE SAME LEVEL AGAIN?!] What? Oh, I checked. I went back and checked everything on this 100%, and yes, the level looped. [THE LEVEL FUCKING LOOPED]! {sped-up footage of Natalie again} Just because of my burning curiosity, I went back and played through the entire level again just to see, I mean, maybe it was supposed to be this way. Alright, so here we are once again, I complete this level and...
{The level restarts again.}
Jon (VO): Yep! Loops! Loops again! This could just be a defect on this item specifically, but I just like to imagine the creators of the game being like "Aah, I'll never play that far, just have it loop," but how hilariously fitting. The game is already so repetitive that I could barely tell if it was looping at all! I actually thought they intended it to be that way and it was just a similar mission. I had to play through the level twice entirely just to be sure when it looped for the third time. I mean, surely they wouldn't do that intentionally.
{Cuts to Jon.}
Jon: Would you, Charlie's Angels for GameCube? Would you? Yeah, I think you would, you slut. {throws the game box away}
{Camera zooms in on Jacques.}
Jacques: {short-circuits} Jon, were you messing with my circuits again?
{Cuts back to Jon.}
Jon: {laughs awkardly} Pssh, no, I didn't, I- No. No.
{Cuts back to Jacques.}
Jacques: {suspenseful music plays} Okay, because if you did I would have had to do something drastic.
{Cuts back to Jon.}
Jon: Like-- like what, Jacques?
{Cuts to Jon petting Jacques.}
Jacques: Oh, oh, yeah, that's nice, you're in, forgiven.