DinoCity BRO!!!/Transcript

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DinoCity BRO!!! - JonTron

[Text in brackets = text not spoken but shown on screen]

Jon: It’s been a while. It’s been a while. Now, I’m not one to do the whole ‘retro review’ thing. Cuz you know it’s a bit overdone on the internet, but you know, I did start off that way. You know after being inspired by people like James Rolfe and Spoony. And then they kiss! 

[Shows the two kissing]

Jon: But you know, there’s a game from my childhood, you know that’s always mystified me. And I thought to myself recently, I can’t go my whole life without sharing this game with the world. I think it’s safe to say that maybe like 3 of you watching this even know what the hell I’m about to talk about. So, you know, you’ll probably be happy to see it again, cause no one else...Let’s cut the bull shiggin shat and get right to it, shall we? Alright. Jacques...BRING IT DOWN!!

[Jacques, who is suddenly a falcon, soars down carrying the game while letting out a screech]

Jacques: Holy shit, I am a falcon. (Flies off) 

[Jon grabs the game]

Jon: DINO CITY! Now, for all I know, this game could’ve just crash-landed in my backyard straight from space, cause I’ve never heard of anyone owning it before or since. Only one thing left to do. Show you...the game.

[Walks over to PlayStation 3]

Jon: Now if I can just remember how to play this thing. No, no. It’s not on the PS3. [Tries to put it in Playstation 3, than the Gamecube] That’s a silly thing to be on it, too. [Puts it in computer tray] Well, let’s just put it in the PC tray, see what happens. [Closes the tray, game falls off of it] Well, that’s unfortunate. [Tries to stick in Nintendo DS] I...the DS usually can play a game, so...[Goes over to the wireless router] Oh, it’s a done deal, it’s the wireless router! It’s...this is not worked. [Puts it in dishwasher] Dishwasher, no. Dishwasher, no. Dishwasher...yea...[Goes to Super Nintendo] OH MY GOD, HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO STUPID, THE SMBS. HMMMM. [Jams it in] “Sweet tide on the rocks...with baby Jesus by your side...”

[Game starts with a screen saying: Irem Corporation]

Jon: Ah yes, this game is made by: IREM. As in: I remember them! Oh wait! No, I don’t! The storyline here is that 2 wonderfully unique kids Jamie and Timmy are dickin’ around in their dad’s laboratory.

[Shows text bubble]

Jon: “Is it okay to enter the lab?” Jamie asks. Well, it seems a bit too late for that question, doesn’t it? You know, seeing as you’re already standing in the lab! But much to their dismay, an accidental button press causes them to be sucked into the TV Screen. [Shows text bubble] “Timmy entered the TV World when he touched his dad’s science... device..?”

[Jon mouths ‘Oh My God’]

Jon: Hmm...if Timmy’s dad isn’t careful, his science device just may land him 10 to 20 years in prison. So, where do the kids get sucked off to, you ask? I dunno. Dino city? I guess? Why? How? Who cares...Let’s just play DINOCITY, BRO!

[Jon goes to character select and picks the boy]

Jon: Alright, I’m a boy. I can identify with boys. So, I’ll pick the boy! Yea! Let’s play some fuckin’ Dinocity, Bro!

{Yes! Let us partake in some Dinocity. Brother.}

[Starts level]

Jon: Okay, so this is...uh...Dinocity...I guess...Not so much city, but hey, there’s dinos! Works for me! 

[Shows character’s punch move]

Jon: Yeah, okay, not too fond of this character’s punch. Let’s try the other one.

[Returns to character select] Jon: Hmm...how do you get that there other character? Alright, goin’ left and right don’t work. [Moves left and right on the d-pad] Hmm...up and down don’t work either. [Moves up and down on the d-pad] Although I don’t see why you’d use that...Oh, I know! Select’ll do the trick! [Presses select] No? What? How do you select the goddamn character?! R? No. L? No. Start? No. B-Y-X-A?! [Other character is finally selected] A?! The only button you can select the character with is A?! What the fuck, why?! ‘A’ is the least likely button to use in this situation! It should be right, or left or select. Not A!! Okay, before I get stuck ranting about this, let’s just move on. 

[Shows the purple dinosaur throwing spikes]

Jon: This dinosaur, the girl one I guess, is way better cause you get a projectile attack instead of that stupid punch. [Christopher Walken impression] Man, such a weird game. Pretty graphics, and music, and quite a nice atmospheric feel to it. Yeah, it’s your normal stuff: Shoot, jump, make your dinosaur catatonic and use a little girl to freak the shit up! You know, you’re normal stuff!

[Shows colored doors]

Jon: Now, there’s one thing you gotta remember in Dinosity. Red door’s in, and yellow door is sooooo last week. It’s kinda cool, cause this essentially means the game has a branching path sort of thing going on, so you can technically experience the game in different ways on different playthroughs. Usually, the red door is harder to get to and sometimes leads you to a bonus stage. It kinda reminds me of Super Mario Land. Yeah, who played that one? I did! Really, though. This game has some damn nice visuals for the Super Nintendo era. I mean, look at this! [Shows background changing from day to sunset to night] The background changes from day to sunset to night! That’s nice, I like that! Thassalright by me!

[Shows level's time limit]

Jon: And hey, can someone tell me what’s the deal with timers that don’t actually go by, by real seconds? In Super Mario Bros., the timer acts like it just did a line of cocaine...

{Hurry up, you’re gonna dieeeeee!}

Jon: ...and in Dinocity, it looks like it just shot up a needle full of heroin! 

{Take your time, broo, wanna hit the bong?}

Jon: Seems kinda pointless to me. People are accustomed to real seconds. Not shmeconds, or whatever these are. Or whatever these are! 

[Shows a picture of durians]

Jon: Now, there’s some pretty cool boss battles in this game. Ones with stone pillars, ones who are quite...flamin’, and some fat birds! I think.

Jacques: That looks like my Uncle Montesquieu. 

Jon: You have an Uncle Montesquieu? 

Jacques: Yes. He died in the Pigeon Harvest of 2546.

[Jon just stares, puzzled, at Jacques]

Jon: The enemies in this game, I tell ya...they’re somethin’ else. They’re not even congruent with one another! Bouncy things, gulping things, red ballerina guys...Cavemen, cavegirls...

[Shows cave-girl dancing, Jon joins in]

Jon: Okay, so, this part. How do I get down? [Jon’s character stands on a slope with an enemy blocking the pit on the way down] I can’t attack them, cause I can’t get in range...and jumping on them just bounces me back up! What do I do? [Gets hurt by enemy and falls down] Oh, of course! Let my dinosaur fall on them. Well, at least I fin- 

[Jon’s character falls down a bottomless pit. Satanic music plays]  

Jon: What is this? What is that?! What is—oh my—what is—WHAT??!! Okay, so it’s not hard enough figuring out what the hell to do here, but then there’s a pit that’s pretty much impossible to avoid, right below it? This game’s one of those games where you gotta harvest lives, or there’s no way you’re gonna make it through. 

[Shows life counter]

Jon: So, here we go. Got 9 lives and I’m gonna get me my 10th life. [Gets a 1up] Hmm...Still got 9 lives there. 9...? 9?!?

[Shows a clip from Inglorious Basterds of Adolf Hitler yelling ‘no’]

Hitler: NINE! 9! NINE! 9! NINE! 9! NINE?!

Jon: 9 is the maximum life you can get? Okay, let’s give Dinosity the benefit of the doubt here and say that was a glitch. 

[Get’s 1up and stock doesn’t change]

{*Life Get*}

Jon: Nope. Mmmm. Nawp. 9 is it. That’s it. Hmm. I remember why no one remembers IREM - cause they can’t program higher than 9! How’d they make all of this - [Shows multiple screens] but they can’t count higher than this?!

{9!}

{Mental breakdown}

Jon: It’s fine. It’s fine. I’ll—I’ll be the better obscure company and let it slide. [Loses life] Oh, damn it, I died. It would’ve been helpful in this case if it counted those other lives I got, cause it’s so damn hard to get them in the first place! Now I’m down to...[shows life counter, still remaining at 9] N--N--Nine? Wha...What? Have I broken the game? Did they not even think anyone would get this many lives? [Dies again] Shit! [Life counter changes to 8] Oh. OH! Oh, now I’m down to 8?! So the g—the game was counting my lives, but it just didn’t show it! 

OK, yeah! No thats fine. Nothing wrong there! I don’t see. I dontseeanythinwrongwiththat. [Puts game in dishwasher] Dishwasher? YES. 

[Shows characters in a castle]

Jon: Okay, moving on. So...here’s the obligatory castle level. Yeah, you saw it coming. Cause what’s a dino city, without a dino CASTLE?! [Shows boss. He has his hands in his coat pockets] Oh, look. It’s the king of Dino City. More like the king of fuckin’ around. Look at this guy. He doesn’t even consider us a threat. He’s got his hands...in his friggin’ pockets! You know what? I respect this dino. He couldn’t give a shit about 2 corn cobs! In fact he’s sooooo sly and handsome, that he even changes his jackets mid-fight. [Changes jacket from blue to white] How much of a less of a shit could you give about your life? That’s like if Bowser was like: “Oh, Mario. You got me. Here’s a new tie, you like it? I don’t give a shit, here’s some bowling balls.” [Jon defeats dino king] And that ends the game. Woah! Look at those FX. Mooooode 7!

[Small bird appears on screen and takes heroes away]

Jon: So this birdie comes and grabs that McMuffin and flies out the super castle. We were in a super castle? Ok...

[The characters return to the lab] 

Jon: So, now we’re back somewhere, where Forry informs us that we got the fuse box and saved the world. Harrah! Wait a minute, WHO THE FUCK IS FORRY? [Text box appears] “Can we go back to the real world now?” Asks Jamie. [Another text box appears] “Yes, we can. Dont’t worry, anymore.” Oh, don’t worry, Forry. I Wont’t. And look at these exclamation points. It’s like they’re caught in a friggin’ hurricane. It just cracks me up. 

[The kids appear on screen, but they are much more detailed]

Jon: Wait, wait. Who’s that? That’s what the girl looked like this whole time? In fact-In fact, yea. Neither of these kids look remotely like their in-game sprites. Look at the difference! [Shows the credits, where the enemies have names.] And here’s somethin’ I just love in these old SNES games. When they show the enemies and their names at the end. You didn’t know their names before, so now this comes along and shatters your reality.

[Shows bouncy enemies.]

Jon: What was that? I don’t know. Mr. Squishy or some shit. Bouncalicious? Who cares, I don’t. Oh, but I’m sorry. You were wrong. That’s ‘Trampo’. Didn’t know? Great. Oh, what about ‘Spread’ and ‘Cindy’? Yeah. [Shows dancing cave girl] That was Cindy in case you didn’t know. More like Cindy Spreads...her legs..? I got nothin’...

[Jon holds game in his hands]

Jon: Dinocity! Dinosity. Yeah, that just happened. You know, I’m probably 1 outta a half people that will ever talk about that game, but...Ish Blashm blush. Now, I do rather like it, and I wish, I wish that this game was inspired by just pure inspiration and nothing else. And I hate to spoil the magic for you, but this was actually based off like some crappy movie called: Adventures in Dinosaur City. Yeah, don’t you wish you can un-know that? Undoubtly, this game is wayyyy better than the movie, and you know what? I rather like it.

[Katy Perry’s ‘firework’ starts playing. Jon stands.]

Jon: Well...I’m glad I could finally share this game with everyone. “Do you ever feel, like a plastic bag driftin’ through the wind, wantin’ to start again? Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin, like a house of cards, one blow and cavin’ in? Do you ever feel? Already buried deep? 6 feet under screaming, no one seems to hear a thing? Do you know that there’s still a chance for you, there’s a spark in you...You just gotta ignite...the light...and let...it shine! Just own...the night! Like a full bull delight! Cause baby, you’re a firework! Come on, show ‘em what you’re worth! Make ‘em go ‘Ah! Ah! Ah!’ As you shoot across the ska-a-a! Cause, Baby, you’re a firework! Come on, let your colors burst. Make ‘em go, ‘Ah! Ah! Ahow! Dinocity is a ga-a-ame!” [Jon turns. All of a sudden, the music glitches and a red ‘Death comes to us ALL’ marker text shows up on the screen, ending the episode]