Mighty Maxed Out - JonTron
Jon (VO): Mighty Max, yeah! I used to love this show when I was a kid. I loved it! All the uh... that kid, and uh.. tha- that guy's name is Norman, right? Uh... O-Okay, I don't remember anything about this show, all I remember is that I used to love it. I guess I just watched it because it was right there in front of me. I had that whole '90s thing goin' on.
Max: Once again, Maxie shreds an automotive obstacle course with a greatness to the East, thank you very much!
Jon (Vo) What the FUCK... is goin' on here?! That's fine. I don't care. Like seriously, listen to the music here, it's too painful to listen.
Jon: They sure went all out on that soundtrack, woof!
Jon (VO): Apparently, Mighty Max is made to promote the line of Mighty Max toys that were kind of like a... I don't know, guy's version of Polly Pockets?
Jon: Actually... nah, this is all coming back to me. I remember those!
Jon (VO): Who knew this show was just to promote some meaningless toys?
Jon: But they didn't stop there... They did not stop there... They had to go one.. step further. This game, it's uh... It's somethin'. Wanna see what I mean? Let's go.
Jon (VO): So once you start the game, you're able to choose from freakin' Betty Boop, a girl with a mollusk on her head, and Mighty Max himself. He must use a lot of hairspray, am I right?
Jon (VO): Oh no, Mighty Max has been decapitated! Oh, no, wait, his head's just there. Oh, and I guess this here's what we're gonna be up against. Uh, rock golems, penguins, fire... uh... um? A- a bat? T-Toaster? What?
Jon (VO): Good. Mm-hmm, good. We're in for a great ride on this one, aren't we? For one thing, everything about this game is just too freakin' fast and small! The bullets are tiny and jump like you're on the Moon, the enemies are barely visible. You know it's a good thing when your first impression from a game is "WHAT?!". Not to mention, your bullets are like... I don't know, they're like... to go everywhere, and they bounce fffffuckin' everywhere, and they come back to you, and they kind of look like enemy fire, so you get all confused and disoriented.
What do you do in this game? Oh, okay. What do you do in this game? Hey, hey, check, please. What do you do in this game? It's one of those, they just drop you in, pants or not, and expect you to find out exactly what to do. The best kind of game. All you need to know is that in here, everybody wants your head on a silver platter, especially the bats, and they're ready to just gear up and make a high-speed molten shit on you for all I care. And I don't care all that much sake, it's, you know, they're bats.
It turns out, your gun only stuns these enemies for a short time, and the objective of the game is to gather these parts and throw them into this portal. Once you've gathered all the parts, you can move on to the next stage. Riveting. Who, who when they were playing Super Mario Bros. 3 stopped and said to themselves "You know, uh, Shigeru Miyamoto, it's all right and shit, but I wish you could just patch up the end of this here level with some drywall, make me collect some shit throwing the portals"? No one! No one fuckin' said that! That's why it's a shitty fuckin' idea!
I love playing Mighty Max. One might say I'm Mighty Maxed out on the thrills that this game has provided me.
Jon (VO): Yeah, you heard me. I love picking shit up and thrown it into portals! Practically more fun than a day job at the local McDonald's.
Look at all this shit, you can't dodge and it's too small and it blends in with the background! Games are fun because they reward the skill you put into them by allowing you to reach your goal in the end leaving into the sense that you thwarted a challenge that was laid out before you. This game's like "I don't even care if I reach my goal because to get there, I have to walk through six miles of barbed wire". Yeah, I'll get there, but it wasn't satisfying. It just left me with lots of cuts.
You eventually find out you can actually kill these enemies by just throwing something on top of them or picking them up and throwing them all together. And then you– W- Holy shit, w– what was that? This game is insane! I can never tell what's going on. I hit one bat, and I'm like "What happened here?". So you throw all these objects into the portal and you're off to the next level.
Ah, yeah! Look at that, we beat mediocrity! That's some epic fanfare right there, and it's just for us. Can't wait to see the next level.
Jon (VO): It's just the same thing as the first level, crappy music and all. No. No. No, I'm not doing this, I'm not playing! This game is not tricking me into playing three of a goddamn same boring level, I'm putting a password.
Jon (VO): Next level is Space! You got Marvin the Martian, Marvin the Martian, Marvin the Martian, Marvin the Martian, and the child molester down the street who really has to take a tinkle. Good.
[Good.]
[Good?]
Jon (VO): Well, that's good to know. The girl character is no different at all for Mighty Max. So why even ever? She just takes up more space that could have used to make a better frickin' game! But of course, when she gets hit, she still sounds like a man. Just beautiful.
I mean, there's like, trash and shit floating around in the back, it was like "That's different", but it's pretty much the same as lava city, so... next.
Pyramid world. Yay. Chicken enemy? NEXT!!
This one's like, Waterworld? You know what, this one is actually not that bad if, you know, you're just looking at it. It's kind of cool. The best you can hope for in Mighty Max is that the backgrounds won't make your eyes bleed. That's about as good as it's gonna get. 'Cause you know, unless the game suddenly turns into Super Contra, all you're getting with each new level is a palette swap.
Last world, thank God, Caveman world, yeah, because we're going back in time and shit. Post-apocalyptic world, a space world, a Pyramid world the canned water level world to Caveman world. THIS GAME IS A PUTRID MESS!!
You know me, I'm not one to just sit here and make exaggerated gestures about crappy games, but THIS, this is just one of the most embarrassing productions I've ever seen: Floaty controls, alternate characters that are all the same, horrible looping music, stuff flying everywhere, crappy graphics, tiny graphics, shit that blends into the background, shit that's just, what the fuck?
(Can someone continue this?)