[Text in brackets = text not spoken but shown on screen]
Jon: Once upon a time, there was a land that had no heroes. Crime ran amok. People, they were stuck in dead-end jobs, and sometimes in dirt, gravel, molasses, etcetera. And then, there was light. From the hilltops, a shadowy figure emerged. He was light, but also shadow. He also had super strength, was made of metal and had the properties of water. (mumbles) Had great hair. It was JonTronman and his trusty falcon, Greased Lightning! Together, they had really good hair. (vocalizations indicative of fighting) And then they made a billion dollars.
(cuts back to reality, Jon closes and throws a book)
Jon: Well, that was a load of shit. I think they used our likenesses. Can we sue?
Jacques: Out the butt.
Jon: Yeah, we should sue. Man, reality sucks. At least there was superheroes in fake! Let's go play one about it. Let's see, what game do we want to play today. Uh, oh. Willem Dafoe Basketball.
(Jon puts the cartridge back on the shelf)
Jon: Oh, hey...
(Jon grabs the Nightshade cartridge)
Nightshade, starring the neighborhood watch guy. Don't let him touch your kids. Nightshade is an interesting beast. It's a game made by Beam Software, the people who would go on to make Shadowrun. This game almost defies genre, it seems to mix and match 'em all over the place. But hey, most importantly...
[IT'S ABOUT SUPERHEROES]
(Jon throws cartridge at NES)
Jon: I don't think we're--,
Nightshade: The Claws of HEUGH. "So, pathetic meddler! Your career is over before it has begun!" Damn you, Heugh! Oh. Uh-- Oh? Oh, oh! I'm, (laughs) I'm actually playing? Well. What a start. I'm about to die. I got it! Come on. Come--, Come on. Oh, Yeah, Yeah! Come on, oh, I got it! This is gonna be a good game. I think this should be the new standard, It's like, "Hey, do you want to play some Sonic 2?" Buh-bum.
Well, I may have gotten blown up by a bomb, but apparently that's what happens when your unpopular. Like Nightshade. Oh, what's this? Let's pick it up. Woah, what? Excuse me, I didn't believe I was playing Tetris! So apparently, if you push the A button, Nightshade disappears and transforms into a--, a blinking square. Yeah. [Yeh.] I suppose what we have here is some sort of point-and-click adventure game hybrid. To interact with the environment, you move the cursor around and click on stuff.
Now herein lies the problem with Nightshade. The A button is used to examine things and the B button is used to operate things, but you come up to this crowbar and your like, "Alright, it's time to pick it up, just gonna, you know, fucking--, Oh! "Nothing unusual here"? What about the fucking snake-ass crowbar? It's--, Obviously, it's different from the bricks."
Nightshade's hard to impress. You take him to a history museum and you're like, "Look at that giant bronze horse from the early BCE times", and he's like, "Eh, nothing unusual here". You take him to the future history museum and you're like, "Hey, look at that giant hologram horse from the distant C.I. Tie--, C.E. Times", and he's like "Nightshade can't do that".
So, I'm pretty sure you're supposed to pick this up, but A don't do it, and B don't do it, so what do it? This controller only got two-it. Them buttons.
[THAT WAS A JOKE THX 4 COMING]
So, get this. You gotta walk over to it just in the right spot, push select to bring up your menu, mosey on over to the Pick Up icon, move the reticule over to the crowbar, and then Nightshade decides "Woah, that suddenly looks pretty unusual, I'm gonna bend down to pick it up." Oh, boy. Now it doesn't sound like that big of a deal now, but this shit gets so convoluted. It's like, "What are all these menu options? I just wanna play the game! What is this, system settings?" (laughs) By the way, watch out, that button doesn't quit the menu, it quits the game. I learned that the hard way, and it doesn't even go "Are you sure?", it's just like, r̼̊.
So like, you go up to this statue and examine it, right? And it's like, "the statue has keyhole. Well ain't that just a pickled peach. I picked one up in the other room. Well, let's use it on the statue so we can advance. Uh, so i push A, scroll over the key. Hm. Nothing. Of course. What you actually have to do is hit select, go to use, select the key, move the reticle over the item of interest, and then push A. THAT'S how you do it. And you just keep fucking up and going back and getting lost in all these menus. Not to mention, on top of the stress of navigating the menus, sometimes there's even a time constraint. H-how am i supposed to do that? How am i supposed to do that?
It's hard not to get flustered what you're just sitting there going "uh,I juh- I Just want to open this. I just uh,how? How do open this fucking thing?! Shiet! I get what this game i going for, I really do. It's trying to be a point-and-click adventure game like King's Quest or Monkey Island. But in THOSE games, you have a whole keyboard and mouse. here you have a D-pad,4 buttons and a disaporating protagonist. Hey, it's called a point-and click. Not slow, scroll over there. Go-going in the menu. Keep going. Keep going. Ah, but that's OK, I-I can forgive it-WOAH!
Look at that cop. Look at that old timey cop. Look at him just tip-tapping around. Happier than a mongoose on snake Saturday. Hello there fine sir-woah. I wasn't expecting that. (laughs). Ho ho ho, this game went from check minus to check plus. Oh, if it's a fight you want, it's a fight you'll get! Come here. Come here. I'ma getcha. I'ma getcha.
Jon: Oh, hey look, i'm popular now. Okay. So, i guess there's nothing in this room then, except from that cop. I'm going around trying everything, nothing's happening. These curtains look important. Nah, Nightshade likes it to be night. In the shade. Doesn't want to acknowledge curtains-uh fuck cut that, just cut that. So now, as always, we come upon the age old point-and-click adventure game adage of having to try everything with everything. You on you. And occasionally trying you with you. On you. It didn't work. Let's try using the crowbar on this Anubis for a second
I'm sorry what? Congratulations you've just won the "Jef and Paul award for excellence in shopping centers?". Actually the crowbar snaps in two. Just kidding. Fool me once, i'm mad. Fool me twice, how could you? Fool me three time you're officially that guy, okay, you know, you know the one. You go to the bar and he's like "This suit is uh, Officially, it's a Giorgio Armani, actually my dad knows him". Fuck You! I Aaaaain't having that shit.
So, what your actually supposed to do is look at the painting from a distance. Let me go ahead a break that down for you, your supposed to look at the painting from a distance, walk up to it quickly, and scuttle through it. This is clearly the obvious. So after all this nonsense, you turn off the water, and now you can finally exit the grate in the fist area to enter the game's overworld. Oh, great. The grate's stuck. Cool! What a great grate! My great-great grandfather had a grate that was greater-bleh.
(Sounds of Jon being sick)
Jon: Jeez, this is a biiiig overworld. How'd they fit so much onto this little cartridge? In fact, it seems everyone around Nightshade's town requires some sort of saving or another. Help! Save me! Well, your oddly complacent for someone who is about to die a fiery death! U no? Oooh! Ooooh! Your...oh my god! You stay up there! Just stay up! I'm coming! I'm coming right up! Oh, jeez!
Oh Nightshade! My hero! Ah shit. Well, i guess that's it. Aw man. Okay, so this one of those games that gives you no feedback whatsoever. I'm just going around doing random thing waiting for something to happen, but all my luck. It never does. Oh, you know? A giant rat. Oh god, did he just sneeze at me? Gross. Fuck it, I ain't above punching rats! Yeah!
(Jon sees an old lady being beat up by a man)
Jon: I'm sick of your shit!
(Jon trashes the cartridge while singing "She's a Lady")