This video has a transcript page. View it here: Starfox Adventures: Stairfax Temperatures/Transcript.
Jon reviews StarFox Adventures. This is the sixth episode of JonTron and marks the series' one year Anniversary.
It has been a whole year since Jon's first ever JonTron video. Jon questions what he has been doing, when he finds Star Fox Adventures. Jon then remembers why he endured it - to show to the masses those repressed memories of bad games.
Jon begins by discussing the history of Rare and how "Stairfax Temperatures" came about, which is depicted by him using an exaggerated portrait of Mario and Zelda creator, Shigeru Miyamoto superimposed onto photographs of Great Britain. He speaks of how RareWare was in the development of a new game for the Nintendo 64, titled Dinosaur Planet, and how Miyamoto coaxed RareWare into slapping the StarFox IP onto it. Jacques attempts to make a joke but suffers a fatal error a self-destructs.
Jon starts the review in high hopes and shows a clip of the game, only for his hopes to be dashed by what the clip presented him with. Jon then brokenly tries to keep the review going. He notes very quickly that the starting mission has the player controlling Krystal, whom Jon nicknames "Blueboobs McFurrydream".
Jon plays more of the first mission and finds the PukPuk Eggs (a health item), noting the over-the-top reaction from Krystal and becomes somewhat bothered by the fact that the game states, "Don't worry! They're not dinosaur eggs." but is seemingly alright with the player consuming them, despite them being bird eggs. Jacques reappears inexplicably and is concerned, prompting brief acknowledgment despite his death transpiring just minutes earlier.
Eventually, the StarFox theme music and the Great Fox show up, prompting more hope from Jon, until he sees the main characters appear, causing him to vomit. The game seems like it's finally starting with a space level, prompting even more hope on Jon's part. He gets overly excited to be in familiar territory, only to land shortly after the segment begins, forcing him into gameplay situations similar to Krystal's. It's at this point Jon's hopes are dashed and he begins sobbing, wondering why someone would do something like that to him before his sad words devolve into sobs. He starts criticizing various aspects of the game, from its use of environmental protection as an excuse for Fox not having a blaster, and the game utilizing many stock royalty-free sound effects.
It's at this point Jon gets stuck with a baby dinosaur. He remarks he's never cared so little for anything in his life, likely due to the overly cute presentation of the cutscene. After a good bit of fetch quests, including finding currency beetles and collecting mushroom food for the dinosaur, Jon needs to bring an item to a woolly mammoth. This item turns out to be a Bafomdad, whose name and presence alone drives Jon to insanity. Jon calms and begins singing about the game itself, then devolving the song into an incoherent mess regarding Falco's absence in the game.
Following the song, Jon is transported to a green limbo where Slippy Toad's head approaches him, speaking in a demonic voice and telling him that he still has a chance to escape the hell he's endured. Jon asks if the head can help him, only for it to respond with a vague, "Ahhh! I'm hit!" from Starfox 64. Jon spontaneously interprets this as meaning he needs to help himself. Jon appears back in the real world on his balcony, screaming "freedom" repeatedly. He commends StarFox Adventures for its efforts but claims that those efforts weren't enough and proceeds to launch it into outer space.
In a post-credits sequence, the disc is seen closing in on another game floating in space, Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts.
- The footage Jon shows when he mentions Super Smash Bros. is actually Street Fighter II on Super Nintendo.
- The ending of the episode foreshadows the sixteenth JonTron episode, Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts.
- A bafomdad acts as an extra life in the game, similar to a fairy in the Zelda series.