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Starfox Adventures Stairfax Temperatures - JonTron
[Text in square brackets = text shown but not spoken]
{Text in curly brackets = text both shown and spoken}
(The NormalBoots logo plays, followed by the JonTron intro.)
(Fades from black to Jon standing in front of a bookshelf, reading a book while Jaqcues perches on his shoulder. "Token Tango" from Donkey Kong Country 2 plays in the background.)
Jon: (chuckles, turns a page, then chuckles again before turning to camera) Oh... (closes book and drops it on shelf) Hey there. Uh, sorry, I was just, uh... (sits down) fuckin' around with the books on my shelf and, uh... (grabs a pack of cigarettes and puts one in his mouth) y'know, uh, reading ones and gigglin' at 'em. You know what I'm sayin'?
(He attempts to light the cigarette, but notices the clock.)
Jon: Well, look at the time! It's exactly 365 days from the day I put myself in the line of fire. Y'know, that game was so bad... I didn't think I'd make it through the day!
(Cuts to footage of Jon's old Daikatana video with a sepia filter over it.)
Jon (VO): So then comes the lovely gaming sin of backtracking out of desperation. Now, may I remind you...
Jon: THIS IS THE FIRST THREE MINUTES OF THE GAME.
(Cut back to present day.)
Jon: Ah... human spirit... She is resilient, isn't she? Yeah, here I am, a whole year later, still... truckin' along like a... sack of potatoes on a long, open road, wishin' he'd stop for gas at the last rest stop, and then, on the interstate 12, he gets hijacked and murdered by a bunch of Quaker ghosts... They haven't moved on from the war of 1723-- Fffffffuck, what even--?! (stands up)
(Cuts to Jon in the bathroom, walking to and looking into the mirror.)
Jon: What even is my purpose? What am I doing here? What am I... doing?!
(Cuts back to Jon's study.)
Jon: What is all this shit, anyways?! (grabs a binder and attempts to yank it out) It's just a... bunch of... workplace...
(Cuts to a view of the Star Fox Adventures disc partially laying on the pack of cigarettes.)
Jon: Bunch of work... (fake crying) I'm gonna tell your mama what you did to me! (briefly fake sobs)
(Cuts to Jon turned around and looking at the disc. "Arrival to Earth" from Transformers starts playing in the background.)
Jon: Wait... What's that? Could it be? (picks up the disc) Star Fox Adventures? (sits down) I thought they burned all these in the Great Cleansing of (in Spanish accent) Rodrigo Sanchez!*
(*accompanied by note reading [This is not funny.])
Jon: Heh. This game... Some crazy times with this game. Y'know, most people don't even remember it. I mean, they remember the game, but they don't remember... it.
(Cuts to from another angle as he looks to the left.)
Jon: No... It's all so clear now... I'm not here for nothin'... (slowly stands up) I'm here to bring these repressed memories back to the masses! I'm here to shed light on the betrayed heart of the man, woman, and child that'd been... brushed under the rug like last week's sawdust!
(Cuts to yet another angle as Jon stares at the disc.)
Jon: It's not right... IT'S NOT RIGHT!... We will never forget! NOT WHILE I'M HERE, WE WON'T!
(Cuts to Jaqcues.)
Jaqcues: Bro. Like... holy fucking shit. Just calm down. Like... bro. Seriously. Do you need a glass of water or something?
Jon: I DON'T NEED WATER!... But- But thank you. Tha- Thanks. What I need... is a Nintendo GameCube.
(Fades to black as narration begins.)
Jon (VO): Where to begin? Well, I guess let's just start now. Long, long ago, before Rareware made avatars and...
[AND...]
Jon (VO): they were actually a game company! They made some really standout stuff back in the day for the N64 like Banjo-Kazooie and Conker's Bad Fur Day. Man... some people might've called them the best! But as we all know, even the great must eventually fall. First in a rather lengthy series of blunders is a little GameCube title known as Star Fox Adventures. {StairFax Temperatures} was originally a game slated for the N64 under the jaw-droppingly brilliant name "Dinosaur Planet". Mm-hm. Suck it in.
[SUCK IT IN.]
Jon (VO): At some point during the development, though, the game shifted from the N64 to the Nintendo GameCube. And then, an amazing thing happened.
(Cuts to a goofy animation featuring Shigeru Miyamoto's face slapped onto a stock image of a person)
Jon (VO): Y'see, it all started out when Shigeru was walkin' around the England one day lookin' for trouble when he happened to stop by Rare's studios. Upon takin' one look at Dinosaur Planet, he was all like, "Okay, I- I see what you got goin' on here... I see how you got a fox; we got a fox, actually. You put him in, he's like 'cOcKy LiTtLe fReAk!' S'perfect."
[S'PERFECT.]
Jon (VO): Rare was stunned by the utter brilliance of this magnificent conclusion, and Dinosaur Planet was now to become Stair Fax Temperatures.
(Fades to black, then cuts back to Jon.)
Jon: Well, that's enough history lessons for one day. What do you think, Prav-Jaqcues?
Jaqcues: Those who can't teach, preach. And those who teach also teeeeach... (eyes start flashing red as alarm blares) ERROR. ERROR. ERROR.
(Jaqcues then literally explodes, startling Jon and lighting his shoulder on fire. Jon wipes his face as if some of Jaqcues innards splattered there and looks at the proverbial mess.)
Jon: No... (starts becoming increasingly distraught) Oh no... Oh no! Ohhh nooo! He's dead--!
(Immediately cuts to Star Fox Adventures' title screen animation.)
Jon (VO): Ahhh, just lookin' at that title screen brings me right back. After all, Star Fox 64 is one of my favorite games of all time, and y'know what, it still stands up well today! Everything about it was perfect; the sound effects, the music, the standout and memorable characters, the gameplay... and especially those cheesy one-liners!
Peppy Hare: "{You've got an enemy on your tail!}"
Falco Lombardi: "{Pretty smooth flying, Fox.}"
Peppy: "{Do a barrel roll!}"
Falco: "{Hey, Einstein! I'm on your side!}"
Peppy: "{You're becoming more like your father.}"
Jon (VO): Just lookin' at all this gives me a nostalgia meltdown. It had great replayability, too, the kind some games couldn't even hope to achieve! There were branchin' paths and objectives you had to fulfill to get to the real final boss. Basically... pure gaming bliss. But then... silence. No Star Fox games for nearly 5 years, until...
(The cover art for Star Fox Adventures appears on screen.)
Jon (VO): You guessed it, Star Fox Adventures! We all saw it in the gaming magazines, and yeah... we were all pretty fuckin' excited for it! Finally! Another Star Fox game, and not just any one! One with sweet, cutting edge graphics coming out for the GameCube, made by our favorite company Rareware! This was gonna be sweet! What could go wrong? All the elements were right, all the fuckin' planets were aligned in favor of this epic rainbow bombshell! Let's finally dive in and see what we've been missing all our LIVES!
CloudRunner: (in Dino Talk) "Kxaj aj kxo Krazoa Palace!" (translated as "[This is Krazoa Palace.]")
(The screen freezes on the CloudRunner, then begins to violently shake and slowly turn an angry red as a creaking sound is heard in the background. The screen then cuts to gameplay)
Jon (VO): Well... this is it! There ya have it! This is actually the next Star Fox game after Star Fox 64. You start off on a pterodactyl... as a blue fox girl, speakin' in a... well, you decide what it is.
Krystal: "Cokx vadt kxo jeihso ev kxo tajkhojj jawduc!" (translated as "[Let's find the source of the distress signal.]"
Jon (VO): Y'know... I've gotta hand it to 'em. I've really gotta hand it to 'em! They did it! Rareware trolled the entire planet with one fell swoop!... And don't give me any of that bullshit that this was Nintendo's decision! (shows an image of the Virtual Boy) Eh, this was also Nintendo's decision! (shows an image of R.O.B.) THIS... was also Nintendo's decision! Not to mention... here's another decision by Nintendo. (shows the Nintendo Wii with a spinning Wiimote) You say NO... NO!
[YOU SAY NO. NO.]
Jon (VO): Like you're talkin' to a dog that just peed on your rug. NO. Artistic integrity is important. In fact, it might just be omni-important [OMNI IMPORTANT], okay?! I ju- I jus put 'omni-' in front of that shit! That's how important it is!
Jon (VO): Okay. Okay, whatever... Maybe it'll get better from here on out. Can't judge a book by its cover! Unless it's fuckin', like, "Stuff on My Cat," 'cause I think you're pretty much gettin' the, y'know, the entire s- spirit's right there. So to recap, you start off the game not as Fox McCloud, but as, uh, Blueboobs McFurrydream, also known as Krystal. Some sorta fox lady that speaks some sorta stupid language they made up. I always find that to sound so foolish, too, whenever they do that in movies or games. I dunno why, it just sounds so stupid!
General Scales: (chuckles) "Mo wahc, A um dek olac." (translated as "[My girl, I am not evil.]"
Jon (VO): The best part, though, is that every now and then they just say somethin' in English.
General Scales: "...dek eloh! De edo sud tovouk... General Scales!" (translated as "[No one can defeat General Scales!]" Note: the first two words are not captioned in-game as they are from an entirely different phrase from a few seconds later in the cutscene that was duplicated here for some reason.)
Jon (VO): I mean, WHY?! That's so STUPID, I just... It's laughably stupid to a ridiculous degree! If you're gonna go so far in depth that you actually create a language for your game... why even do that?! I don't get what the- what the reason could possibly be, because they were fuckin' stupid?!
[FUCKING STUPID?!]
Jon (VO): Anyways, she gets off the ship and reaches, uh... (sighs) Krazoa Palace.
CloudRunner: "Krazoa Palace!"
Jon (VO): ......Yeah... That place. Up here, there are dinosaurs everywhere, all dyin' and shit. Maybe she shoulda brought some Tylenol or somethin'. Probably coulda... helped, y'know.
[PROLLY..COULDA HELPED YOU KNOW]
Jon (VO): Y'know, for dinosaurs on the verge of death, they sure give some good tutorials. But you start to notice somethin' a little funny... These controls are just Zelda controls! Instead of mortally wounding a buncha dinosaurs just to have a tutorial level, they shoulda just had some guy standin' around goin' "Hey, you ever played Ocarina of Time? Alright, you should be fine. I'mma go play this harpsichord."
(Tutorial man then starts playing a harpsichord.)
(Note: Once Jon starts voicing this theoretical tutorial person, the screen goes black and yellow text reads [JUST PRETEND I EDITED THIS PART SHHHHH])
(Cuts to gameplay where Krystal has just found an item.)
Jon (VO): Oh... What's this? It appears Blue Tits has found something! Oh man, and she's fuckin' happy about it! So happy, she's lookin' above it! Oh, looks like, um... PukPuk eggs! Huh... Oh, cool, not to worry; they're NOT dinosaur eggs! Looks like everyone's safe-- Oh, wait a second! They come from PukPuk birds? Hold up; it's not cool that they're dinosaur eggs, but since they're bird eggs, it's FINE?!.. What kinda fucked up shit is THAT?!
(Cuts to view of Jaqcues, who has magically reappeared on Jon's shoulder.)
Jaqcues: Bro... the fuck is that?
Jon: (casually) Oh hey, Jaqcues. I thought you died. (scoots up in chair and sniffs)
Jon (VO): Man, now this is gameplay! You get a barrel, you run with said barrel, you throw barrel at given thing, you run back, you get another barrel! Rinse and repeat. Fun fact: distance gets longer each time!
(Some clip plays that I don't know, accompanied by "Deutschlandlied".)
Jon (VO): Y'know what my favorite part of Star Fox 64 was? Throwin' barrels at the jellyfish from King Jabu-Jabu's Belly!
(The cover art for Star Fox Adventures appears, showing the text [JUST PLAY ZELDA] on it.
Jon (VO): Pretty much sums up the 'sperience!
Jon (VO): So you go even farther into (mocking CloudRunner) kRaZoA pAlAcE, run through some fire--'cause who gives two fucks? It doesn't even hurt you in your million health--and you get to every fox's greatest fear: a minigame for six-year-olds!
(Shows gameplay of one of these minigames, which is just the classic cups and balls magic trick, but with six giant cups and a Krazoa Spirit instead of a ball. The camera focuses on the cup that holds said Krazoa Spirit as "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" plays in the background.)
(Cuts to footage of a Mario Party minigame where Wario faces six constantly moving barrels in a variation of the same trick.)
Jon (VO): Y'know what? Y'know what I just realized? The Mario Party minigame of this is harder. Yeah. Somethin's wrong here!
(Cuts to footage of a cutscene in the depths of space, where text reads [Meanwhile in a lost corner of the Lylat System...] The Great Fox, the Star Fox team's mobile headquarters, floats in from offscreen.)
Jon (VO): ...Wait... Wait! What's that? Is th- Is that Star Fox music I hear?! Oh my God, no, is it really happening?!
(The cutscene cuts away to Slippy Toad.)
Jon (VO): (audibly disgusted) O-Oh... Oh! Oh- Oh, Go- Oh God, is that Slippy?!
(Cuts to Jon holding a bucket.)
Jon: Oh... (vomits into bucket profusely) BLEHHHHH! BLEHHHHHH!
(Cuts back to the cutscene.)
Jon (VO): (still disgusted) Oh my- Oh my God, that was terrible-- (sees Peppy) Oh- Oh no, what the fuck is that?!
Jon: Oh! Ohhh! (vomits into bucket again) BLEHHHHHH--!!
Jon (VO): Well... I guess at least Fox is finally in the game... Maybe the intro was just tryin' to, y'know... e- ease us into this. Perhaps now we'll get to experience the pure, virgin GameCube Star Fox Adventure.
(Cuts to a pre-gameplay cutscene where Fox is flying through an asteroid field in his Arwing.)
Jon (VO): Oh... Oh! Oh, yeah! Aww, yeaaaah! Oh! Oh, y- I'm in a SPACESHIP! {AUGHGH}! {OOEUEU}! Ar- Arwing goin' into All-Range Mode! (chuckles confidently) Hell yeah! Peppy! Oh my God, tell me... Tell me to do a barrel roll!
[TELL ME TO DO A BARREL ROLL]
(Cuts to a cutscene at the end of the Arwing segment where Fox pilots his Arwing to the Dinosaur Planet Sauria.)
Jon (VO): Ah... OHHH! Ohhh-- (realizes it's over) Ohhhh... Ohh. That was it? Well... Well, that wasn't even as good as the one on the N64! It was just a straight shot, and there w-... there wasn't even really any variety. Where are we now? Like... more dinosaurs? (as Fox lands his Arwing) Are you sure? Okaaaaaaayyyyyyy......
General Pepper: "--{he'll translate for you!}"
Fox McCloud: "Okay, General, but what about a weapon? Why couldn't I bring my blaster?"
Jon (VO): (distraught) Yeah! Yeah, why couldn't he bring his blaster?! I wanna use his blaster! Y'know, like in Super Smash Brothers?
(Shows a clip from Super Street Fighter II.)
Jon (VO): Oh, okay, so I guess just... we're gonna walk around and talk to more dinosaurs, then! Instead of usin' any blasters to maybe aim around this area. I am... I'm... (totally depressed) Why's this going on?... I'm just- I- Why's this going on?... (sobs softly) Why would someone do this?... (sobs a bit more) Why would somebody do this to another person? A real human?!... A real humAaAn?!... (muffled by sheer sorrow)
Jon (VO): (calmer) Well, at least we're playin' as Fox now, I guess. But... knowin' you want something... and then you get it, and you're not really sure what it is you even wanted in the first place... Yeah. {THAT.}
(Cuts to a scene of Fox climbing down a brick wall)
Jon (VO): (faux Spanish accent) Oh, yeah! Look at dat climb! Is sexy! Put it to music!
("Bamboleo" by Gipsy Kings plays as the camera focuses on Fox's descent, even playing the same scene backwards. A clip of colored stage lights overlaid on top.)
Jon (VO): One thing this game does that just ruins everything for me is it uses those stock royalty-free sound effects for, like, EVERYTHING!
(Shows clips of Krystal on a CloudRunner firing on General Scales' ship with her staff, Fox smacking a dinosaur with that same staff, and Fox using the staff again to hit a mushroom that retaliates by releasing spores at him. The staff firing its magic blasts, the dinosaur moaning, and the mushroom spreading its spores all use stock sound effects.)
Jon (VO): It just takes you right out of the game. And why would the mushroom... be makin' {the sound}... {that's the sound} that the fucking Imps make from DOOM?!
(Shows 3rd-person clip from DOOM where the Doom Marine is surrounded by Imps and being pelted with their fireball attacks. Another clip of the Star Fox Adventures mushrooms is shown, showing that the mushrooms use a slightly pitched-down version of the same sound effect.)
(Cuts to a scene where Fox finds Krystal's staff embedded in the ground and pulls it out, surprised as it flares to life with magical power.)
Jon (VO): Oh, hey, check it out: Something. That's more than anything else we've accomplished thus far.
(Cuts to a scene from a tutorial cutscene where a floating Krystal head instructs Fox how to use her staff.)
Jon (VO): Well, I guess Fox just knows how to use the stick thing. And he's not scared by floatin' heads.
(Cuts to a scene where Fox rides over a snowy area in a floating craft of some sort.)
Jon (VO): So you go and be (shows a clip from 1080° Snowboarding's character select screen where the narrator says "{Ricky Winterborn}!") for a while, and you beat the race and launch off this cliff, (slowly, as Fox falls from the cliff) and this is the longest fall ever. Mm-memam-nem-mum-num...
(Fox continues to fall as Prince Tricky, a purple baby Triceratops with bracelets on all of its legs, looks on curiously. Text on screen reads [STILL GOING?!?!]
Jon (VO): And now you got this little dino fuck followin' you around, and I dunno, he wants blue mushrooms or some shit, 'cause he's bored as fuck bein' in this game; he just wants to get high. Hey, I don't blame him!
[HEY. I DON'T BLAME HIM]
Fox: "{That's right. It was your mother that sent me to find you.}"
Tricky: "{Is she...OK?}"
Fox: "...{She'll be just fine--}"
Jon (VO): Oh, man. Really?... No... I've never cared so little about anything in my life. Here' little fella! Lemme just put this mushroom in your knee so you can get your fix! Perfect...
[PERFECT.]
Jon (VO): Here, just c'mere, Tricky! I just wanna show you somethin'!
(Shows Tricky run through an open flame and run towards Fox while visibly on fire. Zooms in on Tricky while he nonchalantly burns.)
Jon (VO): Thaaat's right, yeahhhhh.
(Cuts to a scene where Fox climbs down a ledge, with Tricky waiting for him at the top.)
Jon (VO): This is really where the game starts to take a turn for the worse. I mean, don't get me wrong, it was already pretty bad! But at least BEFORE, you could go through the game withOUT a baby Triceratops STAPLED to you! (shows an image of a real fox with a baby Triceratops toy stapled to its back, shaking as Jon gets angrier) THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD BEFORE! See, it's all about perspective, this whole life thing. It's like "Awwww, I got stabbed with a sword, but hey, that guy got stabbed with two swords! Man, my life's not so bad!"
[MY LIFE'S NOT SO BAD!]
Jon (VO): That's pretty much... what this whole game is. It's like- It's just like, "Hey, remember when you could play the game and didn't have to feed a baby dinosaur mushrooms? LOOOL [LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL], that was awesome, wasn't it? Why don't you just go back and play that part? Here, I'll clear the save file for you! (shows a Nintendo GameCube memory card as it pops into oblivion) So I guess... I'll just try to get through this... I'll just keep goin'!...
(Cuts to a scene where Fox and Tricky find a cracked patch of dirt, which Tricky digs at to uncover... well, you know.)
Jon (VO): Okay, so... Tricky's diggin' a hole, and-- (Fox holds up a creature called a Bafomdad) Wait... W-Wait, what's that?!
(Cuts back to Jon with his puke bucket.)
Jon: Oh...! O-- (vomits into the bucket) BLEEEEEEUUUUGH!
Jon (VO): A B- a Ba- a Baf- a Bafom- B- Baffom- B- A Bafomdad?! [BA FOM DAD?!] ...WHAT IS THIS?!! ([!?!?!?!?!!?] flashes on screen) {AND WHY IS IT IN MY STAR FOX GAME-- NO.} NNN{NO I'VE HAD IT.} I'VE HAD IT I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!! {IF ONE MORE} FUCKING {WOOLEY MAMMOTH ASKS ME TO PICK UP} THREE DUMBLEDANG PODS I THINK I'M GONNA SNAP--! (The text actually shown on screen is "3 DUMBLE DANG PODS" "THE OVERLORDS WILL TAKE OVER US ALL" "IMMA FLIP" after "asks me to pick up")
(Screen cuts to black as Jon prepares to sing a merry song to the tune of "Waltz for Eva and Che")
Jon (VO): ♩ I'm in a wonderland in ThornTail Hollow ♩
♩ Gotta get past this snoozing dinooooo ♩
♩ Make him do those stock sound eeeeeeffects ♩
♩ 'Cause who gives a shit? No one's playing this, anyways ♩
♩ Chasin' the bugs to buyyyy the things ♩
♩ 'Cause there was chasing bugs to buy the thiiiings in Star Fox ♩
♩ General Scales is the meeeeeanest ♩
♩ He throws blue towels- {I mean foxes- I meant that she was a FOX} ♩
♩ {Where is Falco}? ♩
(slurred) ♩ {He was so awesome ah- (string of gibberish) ♩
♩ {That's why the removed him} ♩
♩ But that's not so cool ♩
♩ You can't kick King K. Rool ♩
♩ 'Cause he's mean and he's green ♩
♩ But they did... in-Donkey-Kong-Country-Returns-and-they-replaced-him-with-wood ♩
♩ Hitting mushrooooms ♩
(slowing down) ♩ Falling knee-deep into the vooooooooid... ♩
(Fades from black into a grey void filled with nothing but purple smoke and the disembodied head of Slippy Toad, who speaks to Jon with a deep, demonic voice.)
Slippy: The Beast calls your name... but you do not answer... You fear the truth... You fear true salvation. It is your time, Tron and bird. God has come to reap the sinners. Step into the light and cleanse yourself. Cleanse yourself of what you have seen. There is still time! Escape! But it comes at a price... Your soul... your dignity... your being...
Jon: ...What do I do?... Can I stop playing the game now? (sobbing) Please help me...!
Slippy: (normal voice) "Aaaaah! I'm hit!"
Jon: I understand now... I have to help... myself.
(Cuts to Jon standing outdoors.)
Jon: Freedom! Freedom! Freeee-dooom!
(Cuts to Jon holding the Star Fox Adventures disc, preparing to throw it.)
Jon (VO): You tried your best, Star Fox Adventures... but I guess your best just wasn't good enough.
(With a classic videogame sound effect, Jon throws the Star Fox Adventures disc off into the ether. As it sails into the sky, the outro theme to Super Mario World begins playing, and the disc itself twinkles as it fades from view.)
(Cuts back to Jon, sitting back down on his computer chair.)
Jon: Y'know... they may have screwed it up. This may be canon forever, and they might be the reason there really hasn't been another Star Fox game since. But heck... as far as this Internet so-and-so's concerned, there's really only one Star Fox game that holds true in my heart... And that's just fine. Oh, and as for me? (chuckles) Well... I think I've got it all sorted out. I'll be here just where I've always been... (brings hand to Jacques, who climbs onto it) doin' just what I've always done: lovin' me some videogames. Nice havin' y'all. Thanks for stoppin' by. See ya next time! Oh... and there will be a next time. (starts playing his emulated Star Fx 64 as the camera tilts upward)
Jacques: (squawks)
Jon: SHUT UP, BIRD!
(Fades back to the Star Fox Adventures disc as it continues to sail through the clouds. The sky turns an orange color, before shifting to gameplay footage from Star Fox 64 and then to the cosmos. The view then tilts from the disc up to the JonTron logo, displaying "[1 Year Anniversary]" underneath as fireworks go off around it and the Super Mario World outro theme ends. The logo then fades away as the case for another game floats into view: Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts. The camera quickly zooms in to Banjo's face as the iconic Psycho music sting plays before cutting to black one last time.)
[TO BE CONTINUED...]
Outro[]
Jon (VO): WOWIES! It's been a whole year, and y'know it's gonna be... two or three... in... two... one year... Because that's how time works. Sincerity makes... me nauseous, but... thanks, guys, for watching... (starts crying) my showwwww... (sobs) Thanks, Barryyyyy... (sobs again) and thanks, George...! You guys really helped meee...!