Jon: Drugs! [a picture of various drugs appear subtitled "Pictured: Los Drogas"] What's wrong with 'em? I want 'em! But hold on; let's go back to the 80s and 90s [a photo of a run down town shows up subtitled "Pictured: 1980s Detroit"], when everyone fucking ever was telling me not to do 'em. Well, maybe I'll change my mind. After all, we know how impartial these advertisments were.
Roanld Reagan: Marijuana, pot, grass, whatever you want to call it, is probably the most dangerous drug in the United States and we haven't begun to find out all of its ill effects.
Jon: These are just so funny and I was just looking at some of them, and some of them are so ridiculous, that I just gotta give it a whirl. Let's go! Let's see what's number one on the list.
Mr. T Talks About Drugs[]
[we see Mr. T at a diner]
Mr. T: I get angry; just thinking about it makes me mad! Little kids doing drugs, it just turns my stomach! [the glass he's holding shatters to pieces]
Jon: Mr. T!? Are you bleeding? Are you alright? A band-aid for ya?
Mr. T: [begins to advance to the fourth wall] It hurts the user. It hurts their family!
Jon: Okay, I'm good! Can you just back up, we're good man!
Mr. T: I JUST WANT TO SHAKE SOME SENSE-
Jon: (scared) Mr. T, let me go!
Mr. T: -SHAKE SOME SENSE INTO YOU KIDS!
Jon: I'M NOT A KID, I'M 26!
Mr. T: SO REMEMBER....DON'T, OR ELSE! (smiles) Okay?
Jon: (trying to calm down) Okay, that's-that's a good point. I don't like the smile. I was good up until the smile. If you're gonna hurt me, hurt me. Don't have me thinking about this ten years later with a therapist office.
Straight Up![]
[the PSA's upbeat rap song begins]
Jon: STRAIGHT UP!
[as the rap proceeds, Jon appears in a stereotypical 80s-90s era rapper costume dancing and mimicking the police officers yelling "Freeze!"]
Rappers and Police: We're here to tell you that drugs are for suckas! STRAIGHT UP!
Frying Pan[]
Jon: This is a classic.
Rachel Leigh Cook: [holding an egg] This is your brain.
Jon: No, it's not.
Rachel Leigh Cook: [with the other hand she takes out a frying pan] And this is heroin.
Jon: No, it's not. It's an egg and a pan.
Rachel Leigh Cook: This is what happens to your brain. [smashes the egg with the pan]
Jon: No, that's what happens when you smash an egg with a pan.
Rachel Leigh Cook: [uses the pan to destroy some plates and a clock] This is what your family goes through!
Jon: Oh, no! Not the dishes! Ohhh, the clock! How are we gonna know what time it is!? You don't have to do any of that, you chose to do that!
Say No To Drugs![]
[Penny from Pee-Wee's Playhouse appears]
Penny: Drugs can get you in big trouble! I could go to the principal's office or go to jail.
Jon: That's a pretty big jump between those two.
Penny: Like too much TV or pizza.
Jon: I'm out. No pizza, can't watch TV, can't eat pizza, go to jail, can't eat pizza, won't do 'em.
Penny: Recess is good, hamsters are good.
Jon: Hamsters are go-hamsters are good? How does this...? You're getting off track.
Penny: Drugs are bad, I don't do drugs. [a large hamster appears and kisses her; the scene replays and zooms in on the kiss and turns red as a loud noise blares]
Who's More Dead?[]
Jon: (confused) "Who's More Dead?" Who's more dead inside; that's the game I play. (whispers) It's just me. [as Jon frowns, the scene zooms in and turns grayscale as sad piano music plays and the red text R.I.P. flashes briefly]
[the PSA opens in a hospital with two body bags being presented by a man]
Man: [pointing to the bag on the left] This kid died from using illegal drugs.
Jon: Are you allowed to be in here?
Man: [pointing to the bag on the right] And this kid died from using prescription drugs.
Jon: (chuckling) "Who's more dead?" He's gonna ask "who's more dead?"
Man: Which one's more dead?
Jon: He just said the f**king thing I just said! He just fucking walks in here and he's like "This guy died from a bullet. This guy, he fell down the stairs. Which one of them is deader?" [the man stares, as if refusing to answer the question] You better answer this! That-that's not a rhetorical question. That's not a rhetorical question. You have to answer that question when you go to that kind of territory! I'm mad!
Toy Soldiers[]
[shows a toy sergeant being interviewed]
Sergeant: Let me introduce my men! You know them all. There's falling-on-the-ground man, and looking-through-binoculars man.
Interviewer: Sergeant, where's smoking-a-cigarette man?
Sergeant: (mournful) He's...gone.
Jon: (faux sad and over footage of a burning tank) Last night, he-he burned himself up with a match.
Announcer: A message from Rat: reject all tobacco.
Terrance the Rat: Take it from Terrance; you've gotta tell somebody!
Jon: I wasn't sold 'till the rat. I wasn't sold until then but when that came on, boy gosh darn it, I wanna throw out all my marijuana leaves in the big old trash can.
Everything Else[]
[we see a teenage girl approaching a group of friends smoking up]
Girl 1: Hey, put it on me.
Girl 2: Give her some.
Girl 1: Yeah, give me some!
Boy: Alright, alright! You want meth, kid?
Announcer: Here's your meth, and here's your meth dealer, and your meth boyfriends.
Jon: And your meth mom and your meth dad and your meth CPA! [all pop into the room]
Announcer: ....and your meth boyfriends.
Jon: Your meth boyfriends? Please take a step back, okay? I understand the personal trouble.
Announcer: ....and your meth baby. [a deformed baby is in the first girl's arms crying]
Jon: Meth baby? I'll never get over the meth baby for as long as I live. I'll never unsee the meth baby.
[Jon holds a crying, roughed up baby doll, which is fed some drugs from a large syringe]
Jon: Yeah, this kid's got to come to an end soon.
Announcer: Don't forget about your meth face. [a mirror is held up to the girl and she looks slightly deformed and miserable]
Jon: I like how the meth face is more important than the meth baby. I just want to point that out. Priorities are a little messed up here, but then again they are on meth.
Smoking Dog[]
Jon: It's called "Smoking Dog"; it can't be bad. [PSA literally shows us a dog lighting up] This dog is cool as ice.
Owner: [from the front door] Dennis! Dennis, dinner!
Jon: "I'm smokin' here!" That's how the dog talks! He talks like a person, just like how he smokes like a person. What is going on in this? [owner goes back inside; Jon laughs] She just gave up! She's just like defeated. He wants to be out there smoking? He wants to kill himself? Fine! You be out there, but you'll stay out there, dog!
Dennis: (coughs) Hey, I'm a dog. What's your excuse?
Jon: Not all dogs, excuse me. #NotAllDogs thanks. Some dogs these days think they can put us all in a box.
Michael Jordan Talks for McDonalds[]
Michael Jordan: I'm Michael Jordan.
Jon: Hi, Michael Jordan.
Michael Jordan: McDonalds restaurants have given me this time....
Jon: Why did it have to be McDonalds? Who gave you this opportunity? It was just a camera and a background and you're in a suit.
Michael Jordan: McDonalds restaurants have given me this time to talk to you about something we both really care about. Kids. (text saying WHAT? appears)
Jon: (acting like Jordan) Kids and...McDonalds, boys, girls, their education, children, McDonalds, Chicken McNuggets.
Michael Jordan: You can be just about anything you want to be. (an odd fade in to a close-up of Jordan occurs) Listen....
Jon: I lo-I love the cut. I love how it couldn't jus-no, this is basically rambling.
Michael Jordan: Listen....
Jon: I was already listening Michael; I was already with you!
Michael Jordan: But don't blow it; don't do drugs. If you're doing it, stop it, get some help.
Jon: I'll definitely eat the biggest Big Mac, large size, biggest one, get a small fries with it, no harm. Just a small fries.
Michael Jordan: McDonalds wants you to give yourself a chance...and so do I.
[scene zooms into the McDonalds logo as the X-Files theme plays]
Ghoul[]
Jon: Is it really called "Ghoul"? (chuckling) Just called "Ghoul"?
Drugged Man: They come to my place....
Jon: "Ghoul".
Drugged Man: ..for a little....
Jon: "Ghoul".
Drugged Man: You like my friends? They're good listeners.
Jon: Are they ghouls?
Drugged Man: Bill here is sixteen.
Jon: Was. Unless he's alive in there just sleeping in one of those little Japanese sleep hotels.
Drugged Man: So, join the party.
Jon: "Ghoul".
Drugged Man: Try crack.
Jon: "Ghoul".
[scene zooms away with spooky noises blaring]
Jon: What was ghoul about that? Nothing about that was ghoul. There's a weird guy, a weird guy, not a ghoul, I didn't see a single-hold up, there's still a second left. Let me check for a ghoul. [plays the last second of the ad; it only fades out] No ghoul, no ghoul; this one is false advertising. I wanted to be scared by a fucking ghoul!
Hip Choice[]
Drug Pusher: [off-scene] Hey, you ever thought about taking drugs? [commercial reveals that all the characters are low-budget puppets]
Boy: I never thought about it.
Jon: I don't think you guys need ANY more drugs. Looks like you've got all the drugs needed.
Drug Pusher: [presents drugs to the kids; they're strewn all over his hands] Think hard! Just find me when you need more.
Jon: [dressed as the pusher with drugs plastered all over his body] Come on, kids! Don't you wanna bite one of these babies?
Boy: No, it's just not worth the time.
[as the kids leave, the pusher whips off his shades to reveal the toll his drugs took on his eyes]
Jon: What the fuck!? Can we go back for a second? [replays the scene] What exactly is the moral here? Don't buy drugs from secret monster men? Eh, good point, advertisment, thank you. I'll keep that in mind.
Surfing Monkey[]
Announcer: (a fake infomerical for a statue of a surfing monkey appears) Once again folks....
Jon: I'm out. I'm out already on this one. I can't go any farther. That 1/8th of a monkey turns, that's it, that's all I can handle.
Announcer: Now Scott, I understand that you just bought fifteen of our surfing monkey banks. Is that true?
Man: (audibly high) Yeah...
Jon: (through laughter) Is this trying...? I feel like this makes me want to smoke marijuana. Now, what's this? What, did he bought fifteen? About fifteen? Okay, le-let's calculate that out. Let's get out the calculator real quick. [as the scene darkens, he does so and makes the following calculation: 19.95 dollars times 15 monkeys divided by marijuana, and gets....] 363 dollars. I mean, what's that, three tickets to Disneyland? [a Disneyland plane speeds by and explodes off-screen] You'll get that much fun out of a monkey surfboard piggy bank. GOD BLESS YOU!! God bless you!
Drugs Drugs Drugs[]
[another upbeat rap plays]
Singers: Drugs, drugs, drugs! Which are good, which are bad? Drugs, drugs, drugs! Ask your mom or ask your dad. [repeats several times]
[as the song continues, Jon begins dancing whilst pretending to smoke and inject himself; he then appears in the same rap outfit as before and then as the dad in the advert lip-syncing to the song]
Social Farter[]
Woman: I didn't call myself a farter.
Jon: That's probably a good thing. I don't know if you might go around doing that calling yourself that.
Woman: In my head, I was a social farter. [Jon gives the camera a weird look] I only farted occasionally.
Jon: I'm gett-I'm getting uncomfortable; I don't like this.
Woman: And my boyfriend called me out on it.
Jon: And good on him. He's taking it right where it matters.
Woman: I even woke up in the morning craving a fart.
Jon: [sarcastic; clips of the woman saying "fart" appear as he speaks] Nice one, guys. Sick allegory. You slipped it right in. I can't believe how SMART you were for writing that. Just change farting to smoking and you're done. Tobacco companies have lost all their shares. We get it! WE GOT IT-[fart]
Marijuana Does Not Make You Attractive[]
[a low budget cartoon of a couple dating with the man smoking weed appears]
Jon: "Sick dude, I'm getting fat ribs!" And she's like "Not again, he smoked. Not again, an alien's coming along, my boyfriend's smoking weed. NOT AGAIN, ALIENS ARE COMING UP TO ME; GOT A WEED POTATO FACE!! IT ALWAYS HAPPENS; JUST TRYING TO HAVE A GOOD DAY!" [alien steals the girl and flies back to space with her] Whoa, shit. That alien just stole that dude's chick. That is one pimping alien! [the upset man pops up from the bottom] "Not again". [Jon pretends to smoke weed] And she's gone. Don't let aliens steal your girlfriend from smoking weed kids.
[a live-action remake of the commercial plays, with Jon as the alien]
Jon: Wow, real great man. Real sick; nice weed, wow! What are you doin' smokin' this grass, puffing this harsh grass, that is a disgrace, I just only got here and what're you-what....[motions to the lovestruck girl to join him for a walk] Come on, get with me girl. This guy's a loser. PFFYEAH!! See you dude, you suck!
Girl: See ya!
Jon: You suck.
[the boy looks down at his joint and starts to gag]
Captain Lou Albano[]
Lou Albano: [in costume as Mario] My name's Captain Lou Albano-
Jon: [visibly shocked] I wasn't expecting that!
Lou Albano: Anyone that uses drugs is not your friend. Drugs can and will kill!
Jon: But Mario, you're always eating the mushrooms. Get it? [screen flashes as the text "Obligatory Mushroom Joke" appears]
Lou Albano: Remember, don't be afraid to turn to your priest, rabbi, administer, your moms and dads and your teachers, because drugs can kill, and if you do drugs, you will go to Hell before you die.
Jon: Mario, you'll scar the kids for life there! You'll just tell me I'll go to actual Hell before I die? I just want to jump on the goombas, Mario; just want to ride the Yoshi. I guess he was really affected by Luigi's fatal drug addiction.
[sketch with Jon playing a drugged up Luigi holding a bag of mushrooms]
Jon: Mario, it's me Luigi. Well, I just can't stop eating the mushrooms. [mumbles as he chews on some mushrooms] So, I'm such a very funny fucking guy. [throws bag away; sad piano plays as a black-and-white iris circles Jon's head and the following text appears: MARIO MUSHROOM JOKES KILL 6 MILLION EACH YEAR; HELP THE FIND THE CURE; DONATE TODAY]
Lou Albano: GO TO HELL!!!
Pablo the Mule Dog[]
Jon: Pablo...is that his real name? Pablo the Mule Dog. Show me.
[a dog with a visible scar on his chest appears; his name is presented classic film style]
Announcer: PABLO!!
Jon: [befuddled] What?
[cut to Pablo passed out on the floor as some gloved hands open his chest to remove smuggled drugs]
Pablo: Turns out, I've been used to smuggle cocaine into the country.
Jon: Don't make a drug PSA abou....this doesn't make me not want to do drugs; this makes me feel sad for Pablo, who've a bunch of Mexicans shoved coacine into. That's what's making me worry.
Pablo: Which does rather prompt the question: what's the big deal? [Pablo is suddenly awake]
Jon: You should be dead, ghoul dog. Stay dead!
Pablo: [sees a girl in the restroom snorting coke] I went to this nasty toilet and this girl asked me.
Girl: Could you spare us some breathers?
Pablo: No, I'm a dog. [Jon is even more confused; Pablo finds another man snorting up] Look who we have here, a bleeding nostril. Perfect.
Man: I'm bleeding!
Pablo: Yes, you are! [Pablo then appears at a phone booth] So, I picked up a phone...somehow, and talked to Frank.
Announcer: There's a darker side to coke. To find out more, visit TalkToFrank.com. [Jon is still speechless]
Jon Talks About Drugs[]
[in the style of the Michael Jordan PSA, Jon appears to deliver a statement]
Jon: Hi, I'm Jon, and after watching Pablo the Mule Dog being stuffed with handfuls and handfuls of COCAINE, I've come here-me and McDonalds have come here to tell you what we know to truly be important. The families, the Big Mac, the McNuggets, come on down and grab some four pack four piece McNuggets from God's green soil itself, growing from our strip of McDonalds farms, 1.99 only, two piece chicken on August 1st to get it for free.
Listen, if you're doing drugs, stop it, or else Mr. T's gonna come and shake all the loose change out of your pockets. How are you gonna get a six piece Chicken McNugget then?
Reopen that 9/11 investigation; it won't really happen there. You just gotta know the facts; just read, just reopen, take a look, you never know what's gonna be inside. That's me Jon, see you later.
[The episode ends on a splash screen reading "PRESIDENT REAGAN - Leadership That's Working" with a picture of Ronald Reagan grinning labeled "Paid for by Reagan-Bush '84". Suddenly, a Big Mac with ajoint in it appears over the picture, with a fart noise and the X-Files theme]
Announcer: The time is now for strong leadership. Reagan for president.