Jon reviews games about Titanic. One one of which is called Titenic...
|Date||July 17th 2014|
Jon is at a boat sitting on the dock. He is on the phone, saying that he doesn't think a game about boats that haven't sunk yet would work, and Shows a copy of Call of Duty: Sunk Boats DLC which apparently sold really well. Someone decided it was a good idea to make a game about Titanic! Jon talks about how horrible of an idea it was, and compares it to making a game about Pompeii!
With Titanic: Adventure out of Time, Jon can see where they were coming from. It is a point and click adventure, and feels like a 90's atmospheric PC game vibe. There is a woman who talks, and appears to be missing a few frames of her mouth moving. Jon freaks out. Jon checks out some of the other people on the ship.
Jon finds a bootleg Famicom game about Titanic: The Movie! Jon discusses how successful the movie was, and is confused as to how this Chinese bootleg came into existence. Who was this game marketed to? This game came out after the Nintendo 64 was released! No one would buy that! Jon puts the cartridge into his Famicom and puts it into a fish tank and watches it sink!
You can pick from Rose or Jack, and Jon thinks that Rose would be a better option, knowing how the movie pans out. He decides to go with Jack anyway. Jack's name has blood splattered on it! Jon hasn't even touched the controller yet, and Jack has a lot of idle animations! This game barely has any controls, and Jon rants about it. He dies to a rat!
Jon can't find out how to attack. Picking up hearts gives the player life savers - what gives him hearts? Jon gets stuck on a level with spikes all over the floor and can't progress. Getting a Game Over sinks the ship! Jon has never felt so guilty seeing a game over screen. Rose picks up her dress as she jumps.
Surely there wasn't a second company that was crazy enough to make a Titanic game. Jon finds the other Titanic game on a 15 in 1 cartridge. He takes the Titanic cartridge game out of the Famicon (which is still in the fish tank!), and replaces it with the 15 in 1 cart.
Sometimes when loading the game, it gives the game list in Chinese, sometimes in English, and sometimes it doesn't have the entire game list! The game is split into two separate games. Jack's is called Hacker, and Rose's is Heroine.
The title screen says 'Titenic'! Jon sings a slightly altered version of 'I'd Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That)'. Jon complains that people probably thought that he made a mistake when making the title for the episode. Jon reads the poorly written introduction, which again misspells Titanic!
Jack beats up all the people on the ship in this game. Jon thinks that Jack killed all those people, not the iceberg. This game actually controls well. Jack draws, like he did in the movie. This is accurate to the movie! The chef begins to fight Jack. Jack picks up lobsters and wine for health! This is the bougiest of beat 'em ups! (Jon is dressed in formal attire complete with monocle). Jon comments on the cobras that are everywhere!
They act like they don't see the punches coming too. The life savers try to kill Jack - the opposite to what a life saver should do! Both of these Titanic games inappropriately use life savers! Jon then plays as Rose, and a flying eggplant! Jon defeats Herman Munster.
The end credits are shown.
Jon is back on the phone at the boat, and decides that the game won't work out, and decides to make an HD Remix for Schindler's List instead.
[Text in brackets = not spoken but shown on screen]
(Fades into a boat in a port at the boardwalk)
Jon (off screen): ...Yeah, no, yeah, no, I--I see what you're talking about...she's right there on the water, but I don't know, man, I just don't think we can make a game out of this.
(Cuts to Jon talking on his phone on the boardwalk)
Jon: Nah, man, plenty of games have boats that ain't sank yet, I mean, look at Call of Duty Boats, mediocre sales.
(Jon holds up a fake Xbox One cover for a fake game called Call of Duty Sunk Boats DLC)
Jon (off screen): But Sunk Boats DLC...platinum seller!
Jon: Oh, okay, so I suppose what you're telling me is that we should NOT make a game about the Titanic sinking?!
Jon (narrating): Yeah...believe it or not, someone out there actually decided it would be a good idea to make a game based off of the Titanic. You know, the great Titanic disaster of 1912 where 1500 people met their fate with Davy Jones in one of the deadliest maritime disasters in history!
That's like making a game about the Pompeii volcano incident! "Tap A quickly to not die as fast!!"
(Titanic: Adventure Out of Time title screen)
For some of the games like this one, Titanic: Adventure Out of Time, I can kinda see where they were coming from, at least. The Titanic was sort of a mysterious event, so they tapped into that and created a point-and-click adventure mystery game about it. It's pretty atmospheric, but it has that old quirky 90s PC game vibe. You know the one...this one.
Female NPC: You came! After all this time!
Jon: Ack! Come on, lady, give me some space!
Male NPC: (offscreen) Come here.
Jon (narrating): Mm, I'm trying...I--I--I'm gonna get there--oh, there he is!
Male NPC: Mac Sidelman, Philadelphia, PA.
Jon (narrating): Jim Belushi, is that you? Did you travel back in time to hide from the fact that you were in Hoodwinked?
Captain NPC: It is good to see up and about. You've been in your cabin the whole voyage.
(Cuts to a Photoshopped picture of Jon which imitates the cutscene style)
Jon (picture): I bought the ticket, I'll do what I want!
Jon: But that's not why we're here today. Now that game may be silly, but what I have to show you right now defies...explanation.
(holds the cartridge for Titanic on NES)
An NES game...based on Titanic...the movie.
Jon (narrating): With any major commercial success there's an inevitable influx of off brand or unlicensed merchandise to capitalize on the hype. And apparently, James Cameron's 1997 film Titanic was no exception. The movie grossed over $2,000,000,000 worldwide and the only film to pass it up since is James Cameron's very own Avatar with $2.7 billion. I get it was popular, but a video game about Titanic the movie? And an NES game?
We have a Chinese company to thank for blessing us with this game. Specifically, Shenzen Nanjing, true prophets of our time!
Jon: Titanic came out in 1997, I mean, the N64 and the PS1 were already out! W--who was this meant to be marketed to, no, really? Wh--moms? Kids? Anyone? I--Iceberg fans?? Anyone at all?! Would you buy that?
None of y'all wouldn't buy that, you're not fuckin' stupid!
(Jon puts the cartridge into his Famicom console and drops it into a SpongeBob Squarepants-themed fish tank)
(Title screen with 8 bit version of "My Heart Will Go On" plays)
Jon (narrating): Oh, would you just listen to that! Majesty! Celine Dion would be so proud if she was still with us...
You can pick from Rose or Jack, but with my thorough understanding of the film I'm gonna say that Rose is probably the better option...hey, but what can I say, I've always been a fan of certain doom, let's go with Jack!
For some reason, Jack's name has like a--a...blood splatter on it. I--Is that supposed to be symbolic...?
Jon: Good god, China! All about symbols! Couldn't even make the Alphabet!
Jon (narrating): "Do not give up, do not be discouraged! You will be able to get out of here!" It's not even poetic, it's just like they're on opposite balconies yelling practical advice to each other!
Now I gotta say, they knew what they were doing with this one, starting us off right in everyone's favorite scene...next to the sex car.
(Jack's sprite wipes his head and spits repeatedly)
Eh, so far so good...I haven't even touched the controller yet, this is just what he does what he does when you stand still. Wipes head, spits, turns around, repeat, alright, this is fantastic...
Oh, wow, okay--th--this game barely has any controls, apparently. I--I don't even understand, I don't--but--I be--I bet you--controlling the--robot on Mars right now'd be easier than this, and to do that you'd to...send a--goddamn signal off the sun, and then a robot and then BACK TO EARTH--!! ...I BET THERE'D BE LESS INPUT LAG!
What did I expect? You're just trying to get from one end to the other while dodging rats and ghost barrels. Just another day on the Titanic, folks!
I can't quite--I--I can't quite get on the crate here--ah--!! GAH--!
Okay, died to a rat. Probably should have waited to die the cool way, Jack, alright? It was coming in like 20 minutes. You blew it on a rat. You blew it on a fucking rat.
You can't even attack, or if you can--I don't know how.
Jon: But they had to stay true to the film, didn't they? I mean, can you blame 'em? This is a story about love, not violence!
Jon (narrating): Man, low on hearts, I better pick one up so the rat doesn't get me again.
(Jack gets a heart but the lifesaver counter goes up from 04 to 05 instead of the heart counter)
Oh...so hearts equals...lifesaver?
Jon: Then what equals heart...?
Jon (narrating): I--I--I can't even begin to wrap to wrap my head around that. I have no idea how to replenish health, and I don't even think you can.
The next level's the hull of the boat or something.
Wha--I can't get past this part, where do you go? Seriously, there's spikes on the floor and there's no way around that I can see. This sucks.
(The game over screen has the Titanic sinking)
Oho my god, there she goes!
Jon: I have never experienced a continue screen that made me feel that guilty, I mean, it's my fault that happened! ...I did the Titanic!
Jon (narrating): Also, I just want to point out that the two choices we're given here are Continue and Start.
Jon: Guys, stop, you're giving me too many options, I'm only one man here!
Jon (narrating): Playing with Rose is hilarious though, she actually picks up her dress to jump. Hey, game journalists, look at that! They're not sexualizing your women for once! Isn't it all you hoped for?
Jon: So thank god that's over! (laughs) I mean, it's over, right? There's not--there's not more, right? I mean, surely there weren't two companies crazy enough to do something like this....right??
Everyone at home, are you sitting? I mean, 'd probably be weird if you were standing watching this, I mean who--what you--(laughs)--got some sort of standing desk...?
Think you're better than me, don't you...?
Now there was one more company that made a game based off this Titanic movie craze, and it's not really possible to find it as a whole game or at least I couldn't. (holds up the Super New Year 15 in 1 Cart) It comes on this cartridge called the Super New Year 15 in 1 Cart. ...ACCURATE NAME!
(Jon takes the Titanic cartridge out of the Famicom which is still in the tank and puts the Super New Year 15 in 1 Cart in its place)
(The menu is a mixture of both Chinese and English)
Jon (narrating): Oh, let me tell you, this game's expertly programmed. When you boot this game up you're presented with a random selection screen that's sometimes in Chinese, sometimes in English and sometimes without the full...game list? If you're lucky and you get the right screen with all the games on it, you won't even know where to find the game because for some reason it's been split up into two peices...? If you want to play as Jack it's called "Hacker" and if you want to play as Rose it's called "Heroine". B--mu--bu--uh--But why, though?
(The game's title screen comes up with an 8 bit version of the movie poster image and the title TITANIC intentionally misspelled as TITENIC)
(An instrumental version of I'd Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That) by Meat Loaf starts playing)
Chorus: ♫ Ahh...you better believe it... ♫
(Fades to Jon dressed in attire similar to that of Meat Loaf himself)
Jon: ♫ I would play any game on earth...yes, I would play any game on earth...! I would play any game on earth...but I won't play that! (points at the game) ♫
(Quickly zooms in on Rose and Jack in the image and then pans down to the misspelled title)
Jon (narrating): OH MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT?!?
Jon: I bet you thought that was a typo, huh? The name of the episode? "Hey guys, look! Jon made a mistake on the Internet!" (points down towards the comment section) I bet there's a bunch of comments down there already about it, but I'll tell you what...I wish that was a typo, because no one wants something like for mankind. The fact that this exists...means we already lost.
Jon (narrating): Why bother changing the name if you're just going to steal the likenesses of the two main characters ANYWAYS?!? Oh, let me tell ya, it's a good thing they didn't misspell Leonardo DiCaprio's FACE, or we would have REALLY had a problem!!
Alright, let's begin...
"In 1912, there is a noble American girl - Rose, she tried to get away from her arranged married which is forced by her mother. At the same time, she met Jack, who is the young man on Ti--"
(Jon gasps quickly before resuming)
"--Titenic. Since Rose made a friend with Jack he lighted on her life."
Jon: Yeah, based on that car scene from the movie I think he might have "lighted" on a couple of her other things, too.
Jon (narrating): "They were also fall in love with each other. It made up a very touching and tragic love story."
(Cuts to the title screen)
This is mostly just tragic.
(Cuts to the gameplay which confirms the game is a side scrolling fighting game despite being based on Titanic)
Oh...OHH!! Hey, Jack! I know the ship's sinking, but gotta keep our cool here! You want to add to the list of casualties?
(Cuts to an iceberg in water and pans down)
I don't think it was the iceberg that killed all those people...
(An image of Jack's sprite appears on the bottom of the iceberg)
...I think it was Jack!
Jon: Oh, the first thing when I saw the movie, the first thing I said out the theater, I interrupted the whole group, I said, "Where's the fightin'?"
Jon (narrating): Well to my surprise this game actually controls well. The fighting is tight and responsive. It's pretty satisfying to punch dudes. You can finally punch the rats this time around, that's good.
(Jack's sprite sits down and draws in a notebook)
Is he, uh--is he reading a newspaper...? Oh, he's drawing! Get it? 'Cause he draws in the movie? Remember? This is definitely accurate to the movie! Remember?
(On Jon's last line the picture fades to a shade of red in a slightly demonic way)
(Jack's sprite walks by a grandfather clock whose pendulum to one looks like a penis)
Uh, excuse me, uh, T--Titenic management? I think you may have a well-endowed man standing in one of your grandfather clocks, I just thought I'd warn you...
Ohoho, the chef's fightin'! The chef's mad, I'll tell you what, that's bad. Chefs are natural pacifists. You piss a chef off, you've done something wrong.
(Jack accidentally hits one of the female NPCs)
Oh shit, sorry about that, I didn't see you standing there!
Jon: What can I say? Tensions were high.
Jon (narrating): In most games that involve burly men destroying everything, health power-ups consists of something like a turkey leg or a roast chicken. But in this game you pick up lobster and wine.
Jon: (In a old outfit with a monocle) The booziest of beat-'em-ups!
Jon (narrating): Eventually you get to fight a boss that's essentially if Mr. T was infused with Donatello from the Ninja Turtles. Now that's a pretty dangerous combo right there!
Alright, we're on the next level...NO, ALRIGHT--! OKAY, HOLD THE PHONE! Rats? Understandable. Bats? A bit weird, but I guess I can see, but COBRAS?! Unless this ship was headed to a snake charming convention this is absolutely unreasonable.
Hey, okay, it's no wonder the ship went down between Jack beating up every capable person running it and...fuckin' GODDAMN COBRAS EVERYWHERE! I can hear the captain right now: "Uh, yes, I'm looking out for icebergs, but currently I'm fending off a nest of cobras and a very aggressive man from Wisconsin."
Also, I love when you punch the cobras they react like they didn't even see it coming. They're just like "Whoa, I'm out, that was a bad one!"
(A lifesaver is bouncing around the ship)
Ah, okay...the lifesavers try to kill you in this game. I'm pretty sure this is the literal opposite of what a lifesaver is named for and supposed to do...? How did both of these games fail to use lifesavers as some sort of appropriate object? I--If you're asking me, that is proof of a...grand deity right there, or the proof of a lack of one?
Aw, yeah, that's right! I remember the part where Jack fights Herman Munster on top of a smaller ship on top of the Titanic! (The scene spins around) That was the best part!
I don't even know what's this guy's problem. He attacks you by firing a gun angrily and thrusting his dick at you. I dunno, we're on international waters, I guess anything goes. But once you beat this guy he's like "You have bested me! Here is the deed proving so!"
Jon: Man, 1910 times were weird...
Jon (narrating): This time around you're playing as Rose, who's a Gashin ninja, apparently. Oh yeah, come on, get him--! Get him, Rose! YOU'RE AN INDEPENDENT WOMAN!
Can't forget the flying eggplant!
Jon: Man, 1910 times were scary!
(When Jon says "scary" the background turns into a one with a skull and he is given a Sony Wave effect. Also, his audio track is duplicated and pitched up to give it a demonic effect.)
Jon (narrating): Alright, finally, beat him. See you later, Herman Munster, again for some reason...
(The game's credits start playing)
Jon (whispering): Every night in my dreams...I see you...I feel you...
(The next line's audio track is given a reverberation effect)
Jon (narrating): It's beautiful...it was the most beatiful love story I've ever seen...when we have kids...we're sitting out on a beautiful summer's night, I'm gonna look you and the eyes, Rose, I'm gonna be like, "Remember when...you beat up that fat guy who was trying to kill you with a shotgun and knocked Herman Munster off the Titanic a couple times? I'm glad we made it through that...I love you."
(Fades back into the opening scene, where Jon is still talking on his phone)
Jon: Yeah, you know what, I think you're right. On second thought, I--I don't think it's gonna work. But I got one for you better: (turns around) Schindler's List: HD Remix!
(Cuts to a scene where Jon's head is Photoshopped onto a white business suit sitting in a chair with a lens flare moving, and the background filled with money falling. In the background a crowd is screaming, cameras are flashing and the song "Whoa I'm In Space Cuba" from the Mighty Switch Force! OST is playing)